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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 21:55:18
I just went out and brought a bunch of food that doesn't need to be refrigerated or cooked. To reduce my need to go into the kitchen. Things are at the point where people are listening out for when I go into the kitchen so they can zip in there and figure some excuse for getting in my way / getting my attention. If I ask why (I've done so in the past) the answer is: 'because otherwise we never see you'. And / or: 'because we worry about whether you are okay'.
What part of: 'I just want a quiet place where I can write my thesis' is so f*ck*ng hard for people?
Again: What part of: 'I think I need to live by myself. Whenever I live with people they eventually get upset that I don't want to hang out with them. I just want a quiet place where I can write my thesis' is so f*ck*ng hard for people?
Again: What part of: 'I think I need to live by myself. Whenever I live with people they eventually get upset that I don't want to hang out with them. It gets to the point where I can't make a cup of coffee without them racing in to stand in front of the kettle and talk at me - and the reason I'm making coffee is because I'm stuck on a problem that I'm trying to focus through. I really just want a quiet place where people can leave me alone so I can just focus on writing my thesis' is so f*ck*ng hard for people?
I keep my shelf food on one shelf in the kitchen. People keep putting their things in my section of the shelf / moving some of my things to a different shelf section. I will now keep it in my room. If I arrive 5 minutes after my load of washing finishes I'll arrive to someone else groping through it (even though it is not at all constantly in use). I will now set my timer and make sure I'm waiting for it as the cycle finishes.
Why can't people take the AND BACK THE F*CK OFF signals and back the f*ck off?
Why?
Posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 22:11:16
In reply to It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 21:55:18
The problem is just where I'm at right now. The limbo in finishing up. Purgatory.
And I live with people where the highlight of their life isn't in coming to understand something about the way the world works... Getting closer to a cure for cancer, or even doing a paint by numbers or creating some art work... But watching an episode of a soap opera. Interspersed with informative desirable things. Longing...
And I think: What is the difference between you and me?
And I (occasionally) listen to the frantic ramblings of the Person Standing In Front Of The Kettle talk about how their great grandmothers second cousins boyfriends auntie knows the bus drivers third cousin. And his daughter said that she was related to the king of england...
And see ...
admiration. delight. fascination. interest.
is required.
And what is there more to life than hanging out with everybody all the time and looking and smiling and looking and smiling and connection with everyone who is descended from the gods looking and smiling and laughing like the birds and calling and togetherness.
noise noise noise noise noise everywhere all the time always.
and that is how you help people yeah? you listen to them talk about the pain in their ankle that started in their lower back then moved up their arm and then their house was blessed and the gods the gods said to them let it be cured so now all they have is little stabby pains sometimes in their left finger.
and, well, that is admirable really, of course. delightful.
coo.
the rise of allied health!
the decentralization of power (who do those doctors think they are with their knowledge)!
answering to the health needs of the world's population!
(you don't need to be literate to coo)!you can have this back now thanks, i do not like the noise it makes
coo.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 22:29:47
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 22:11:16
they like to think of it as a different world.
the maaori world.
and then there is the pakeha world.problems lie in not being able to adapt oneself,
to shift between them.the maaori world is hardest for me.
it is alien for me.
emotional resonance.
never mind content or sense.
mind your tone. pretend you don't speak the language...
listen to the... feeling.they can feel me, you see, as i feel them.
they can feel me angsting in my room
(a necessary part of thesis writing)
but it is (of course) me bringing negative vibes into the house
and so... they worry about me.they want to check i can coo.
because... that is what maaori life is about.
communing with the gods in all of us because we are descended from them
(though technically i'm not because i'm pakeha but whatever)and of course they have trouble adapting to the pakeha world.
with the requirements for keeping ones mouth shut.
following instructions (with their literal meanings)
reading and writing
focusing on the spatio-temporally distantadaptedness...
tis hard for us all.
never mind the EEA
http://www.anth.ucsb.edu/projects/human/epfaq/eea.htmlwhat matters is the now.
Posted by tetrix on July 24, 2013, at 23:10:09
In reply to It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 21:55:18
When I need a place where I can't be bothered by anyone, I just go to my lab and work there. No distractions, no phone, no friends or family - just me and the cold maze of rooms. I take a break every few hours to get coffee or a snack or just chat a bit with a friend but otherwise no one is in my field of vision.
Can you find a space where you can be alone? Library, lab, office?
Posted by alexandra_k on July 24, 2013, at 23:51:38
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by tetrix on July 24, 2013, at 23:10:09
I used to have my own office on campus. Used to have my own room, too, in a graduate student hall of residence. We had a 24/7 zero tolerance to noise policy. Which was wonderful. Meant you could sleep when you wanted, work when you wanted, and you simply got used to going out to socialize, and putting on headphones if you wanted to listen to noise at home. There were lots of places all around campus, too. Even cafes. People would talk... But it was a soothing background murmering. Often if you did intentionally tune in to the conversation it was something about work.
I was there for... about 5 years. And now I'm grumpy to discover that the rest of the world is different.
I purposely moved just across the road from a university library. Because I figured that I could work in the library, if worst came to worst, yeah. But then it turned out that the 'library' (actually 'information commons') was mostly set up with desks in a group work arrangement. While there were a few individual desks the noise carried to them. The 'silence' signs weren't enforced. When the librarians would (occasionally) make loudspeaker announcements for quiet you could hear them reading the speel they were supposed to and sniggering and laughing about it while they were reading it.
The quality of the noise was different... The noise of those *trying* - but being incapable of - individual work.Groups of students would come and sit in a circle round their group desks and pull out their books. And much sniggering and laughing and pretending to be stern and flipping of pages and arranging of pens would ensue. Incessant sighing. Kicking of ankles when looks and smiles weren't responded to. Coughs. Little squeals. There is no soothing background murmur. There is only the struggle to be the loudest, the most attention capturing. The point of which is that... It really is impossible to ignore.
I can't work. So... I won't let you work, either.
Heads up: Just because you sit around talking all the time, does not mean you have good social skills.
______
There is another university in the city center. I can work there... I have applied to study there next year, actually, once I've finished my thesis. I just applied to move into a grad hall of residence... Will see how that goes. The semester started last week but the automatic form let me put in an application for the grad hall I am interested in, so we will see whether they have a place and whether they will consider me as a visiting grad and what they will make of me more generally with respect to next year when technically I will be an undergrad rather than grad...
I'm not entirely sure this is financially feasible...
But I guess if I get offered a place it might give me options. And... It is really just across the road from the medical library... Please oh please let this work out for me. Self contained. Right in the city. Surrounded by grads. F*ck yeah.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on July 25, 2013, at 8:37:38
In reply to It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 21:55:18
Finishing a thesis is a tremendous task. It certainly does require a lot of solitude. I like to be alone too.
People like you. They want to see you. It might not be so bad if you weren't so preoccupied right now.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on July 25, 2013, at 8:39:10
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2013, at 22:11:16
Mmmm...
Any way to find a university crowd to live with?
Posted by sigismund on July 25, 2013, at 19:29:56
In reply to Re: It is happening again... » alexandra_k, posted by sleepygirl2 on July 25, 2013, at 8:39:10
>Any way to find a university crowd to live with?
My kids use a site. Could it be called gum tree?
In which case
http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-real-estate/sydney/c9296l3003435
but I'm really not sure.
Generally there is this mafia of young people who help each other out.
Posted by tetrix on July 25, 2013, at 23:06:25
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 24, 2013, at 23:51:38
I hope it works out for you!!
I hate noise.. by the way why not use ear plugs? I use them all the time.I also sometimes turn my AC on fan mode for white noise when I know that garbage trucks pass early in the morning.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2013, at 19:47:37
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by tetrix on July 25, 2013, at 23:06:25
There is usually a mafia of undergraduates, but much harder to find graduate student accommodation. It is hard to find people who are reliable, too, with respect to paying their rent, and not stealing your stuff, and not having friends who like to steal your stuff, and not having loud parties all the time. I'll be 35 soon... Most people in my position have partners who are working / financially supporting them through this phase of their lives. And / or financially supportive families.
But... There is usually some graduate student accommodation for the international PhD's... And they like to have a local student or two for marketing...
I have been informed that there is a room available in a stand alone town-house in the city with 4 PhD students but they will have to ask since I'm not currently enrolled at this particular university. That bodes well, actually. I thought it might since it is an awkward time of year for them to try and fill it and if they don't give it to me it will likely remain empty until March of next year.
I am keen to get into PhD student accommodation since once you are in... They are typically reluctant for you to leave. I don't think I could face having to live in an undergraduate hall for next year... Once they see that I am not a freak to live with (surprisingly, I'm not, I'm very tidy and easygoing, actually) they will probably be happy for me to stay on. And there may be opportunities for tutoring etc the students of the undergraduate halls... Or (potentially even better) mentoring grad students.
I found some more... Less formal stuff... On the medical program last night. I am not entirely sure it is for me. It seems... Or perhaps this is just what they are wanting to convey... But it seems... As though what they are really trying to do / get at... Is that AFTER the basic grade cut-off requirements (2x the number of places on offer) Is to then take the most popular students. Which... Which would really make a lot of sense why they make EVERYONE do the same first year program (well, two options, but the 'overlapping 4' courses are critical) at the same University and then pick students from there. They want to know who was THE captain of the rugby team. Because of course EVERYBODY was captain of their high school one but now new hierarchies need to be established...
Sigh.
I am an academic.
I... Typically struggle with people who *want* to be popular (and of course even though everybody likes to credit such things as 'natural' it takes a lot of dedication and hard work, actually). And people who *want* to be popular typically don't have much time for me since... Well... Those who are popular have no power over me. Which makes everybody uncomfortable. Since... That is why people want to be popular - yes? For the power?
Or maybe not...
Maybe it is good for doctors to be swayed by popular opinion since they are answerable to it (in the form of juries etc) at the end of the day. Um... As are we all.
Dunno.
Probably I'll end up being a researcher.
*Again*
Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2013, at 20:00:55
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2013, at 19:47:37
It is because those are the kids who are likely to stay. The ones who are successful in NZ society for the things that are valued here. There is inter-professional rugby and netball: The medical kids are expected to kick *ss. There is revue which seems to be about... Drama / music. Again: The medical kids are expected to kick *ss. And then of course the program is most selective (since the numbers have to be capped because of the cost of training the kids) and so it becomes a scarce therefore desirable therefore exclusive therefore even more desirable cycle...
But...
Now I'm thinking it is more like being a politician, really. Or a pharma rep.
I am an academic, really. I listen to someone get excited about how she just *had* to work on that biomolecule because it is *beautiful* (oh and by the way it might have anti-cancer properties). Listening to the passion...
And I'm sold.
And... Well... That isn't what medicine is about. It seems to me.
Not here, anyway.
I don't know that we train many specialists. I think typically people go overseas to Aussie or even further abroad if they want to train as a specialist. Then... Once you are trained as a specialist... You earn more money for less hours (and less on-call hours too, I hear) so... Well... Why the hell would you come back to NZ?
Unless... You prefer being the 'big man' in your local rugby club rather than being 'mediocre man' in Sydney. Or finding that the country doesn't really give a crap about Rugby anyways, and Aussie rules or perhaps League is where it is at...
Different sort of person, I guess.
I chose to be worst in the best program. I'd choose it again. Here everybody tells me that I just need to stand up... But... It isn't me. Somehow... It simply isn't me.
I'm not sure what it is.
I don't think I am particularly smart. Or dedicated. Or ambitious. Or... Anything special, really. What encourages me to be better is to look at people who are doing better than me. My drive to better myself depends on people around me being greater. I don't want to be the leader. I'm incompetent. Of course others are even more incompetent. But that pains me. It doesn't make me feel good. Some people thrive on it. But it doesn't make me feel good.
I think that is it.
Reluctant leader.
But certainly not yet. I've got a lot more learning to do... I'm only 35 ffs.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2013, at 22:47:41
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2013, at 20:00:55
sigh. and that isn't it. that isn't a helpful way to look at it... i just hope i find my place... somewhere... doing something... it might be a process of discovering philosophy. it might not. i feel frantic sometimes. haven't found my fit since arriving back in this country. or if i see a fit... opportunities are denied me. feeling... underappreciated. unappreciated. it gets you down. me.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 28, 2013, at 18:40:43
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2013, at 22:47:41
well... fingers crossed this accommodation works out for me. it isn't ideal in not being self contained, but at this point the most important thing is for me to get away from the people out here.
i've figured it out.
i am used to one kind of silo... and i did have some reservations about shutting myself away in that kind of environment and not properly interacting with 'the common man' (whatever the f*ck that is). but where i am at now... isn't normal society either (whatever the f*ck that is). it is its own special kind of silo once again.
but this silo takes the kids who got kicked out of school, who couldn't find a job, who didn't have entry to university. the government contributes a bit of money for keeping kids off streets and the kids get degrees because, you know, they paid for them (by student loan that all students are entitled to) and that is the way it is these days.
I could get 2 PhD's and most of those people will STILL treat me like i'm illiterate, incapable of following simple instructions, and incapable of communicating simple literal truths in my native language. because most of these people aren't capable of it, either. they aren't intentionally treating me like i'm stupid... dammit.
it is not a race thing. it is not a socio-economic class thing.
i found something...
it said that there is as much difference (in standard deviations anyway) between the 'gifted' and the 'normal / average' as there is between the 'normal / average' and the 'intellectually handicapped'. most people have a lot of empathy for the intellectually handicapped. don't hurt them. try and help from them. learn from them... especially those downs syndrome kids who are so sweet and compassionate...
but then imagine how the 'normal / average' person would feel if society was run / if the positions of power in society were populated by the intellectually handicapped. imagine all kinds of things... the road rules, the bus timetables, the political systems, the education systems, the policing systems. the whole world... it would be remarkable how things would work at all (insofar as things did). and... one would become greatly irritated at peoples inability / unwillingness to see / to listen to reason, wouldn't one? I think... Compassion would eventually erode away... To be replaced with... Frustration. Bitterness. Resentment. One couldn't function in such a society.
And in a way this is not a very nice thing to think. It smacks of (dangerous) socio-biology or evolutionary psychology or human behavioral ecology... Just like the Nazi's yes? What do you think, Lou? Just one step removed from viewing them as less than human... And the way (most people think) it is justified to treat animals... I mean... WHy don't we just raise them specially to eat them? Is that really what I'm trying to say?
Of course not.
(I actually believe that morally we owe much more to animals including that we view them as having ends apart from our own that should be respected such as to give proper maternal care (cows) and to live and not be eaten. Because they are capable of suffering (though slightly diminished from relative lack of cognitive capacity they are still capable of suffering.)
And these thoughts make me feel uncomfortable... But it has been gnawing at me...
I think it really comes down to valuing peoples strengths as their strengths (there are amazing athletes and musicians and artists in these parts... people with amazing ability to resonate with pre-verbal critters of whatever species). and stopping with the blowing smoke up their *ss*s for stuff they are sh*t at. hey you sport degree person - why don't you lecture anatomy!! doesn't matter if the information is presented confusingly because the lecturer doesn't get it because most (all?) of the students wouldn't do any better if it was straightforwardly presented. they still wouldn't get it. they would still find it just as confusing. they can't notice the difference. they aren't actually listening anyway. and most of them didn't even bother to come. Only that line of reasoning is not employed because lines of reasoning are not employed. The hiring people don't get that the person they are hiring doesn't get it.
i suspect this is part of the governments cunning plan to bond people (forever) to this country (to pay back their student loan). given the exchange rate... the logical next step is to eliminate quality (internationally recognized) education in this country. at the moment the *best* are claiming 'we are internationally recognized'. oh sh*t. we have nothing that is considered 'internationally good'. my degree... doesn't tell the world that i am literate. that i am able to follow simple instructions (given in my native language)... it doesn't mean sh*t.
getting away from this silo will help considerably...
the problem isn't that out here is like high school, you see (which was horrible because kids that age can be fairly horrible to each other). the problem is that out here is like the lower quarter of the kids found in high school. topped up with all the kids who got kicked for non-attendance. they get their degrees... and then they go on to lecture. and... to get their phd's too, of course. and because... why not? I think I'm better than them? The fact that they hung around that long... Suggested that they *could indeed* have got some kind of job... So the fact they hung around that long suggests a level of committment or effort. The scariest people are those that are in earnest.
(Perhaps that is why it is so hard for people to try. And why we blow smoke rather than admitting)
Why is it that we both have no trouble admitting that you are better at sports?
I see... Because not giving you your degree would be racist. Would be prejudiced against the socio-economically disadvantaged. Total sense you are making. Uh huh. For sure.
Of course these people need employment. Something meaningful. But anatomy lecturer? Dean of Undergraduates for the Department of Interprofessional Health? Senior Lecturer of Sports Studies?
I really don't think you people meant to become a university. The thing is... YOu make more money from offering degree programs. And, well, kids don't have attendance requirements for your university and they don't have to wear a uniform which makes it more attractive than school. Especially when you don't have concerns about paying back your loan because it is just marks on paper yeah.
(Not that I feel any differently about the loan thing, heh)
Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2013, at 21:29:07
In reply to Re: It is happening again..., posted by alexandra_k on July 28, 2013, at 18:40:43
1) It is not a silo - it is an ivory tower :-)
2) I had forgotten how hard it was to grade the work of people who don't speak English. Because you don't want to penalize them for it. But then, you don't want to reward them for it, neither. I suspect some of them purposely make their answer sound inkblot-ish. It is the modern day equivalent of writing messily so the examiner can't interpret the answer. I mean 'is the argument valid'. Argument validly sometimes demonstrates aspects thereof no. Aargh.
3) You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. I'm actually (almost) enjoying this grading. Because it is grading work that I've got. Even though... Things have come full circle. This was the kind of grading work that I did as an honors student... 10 years ago.
4) The most depressing thing of all is how others are (or would be) impressed if I told them I had this work.
5) The problem is that I've been socialized to being a professor. But all bets are off until I've finished my thesis.
This is the end of the thread.
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