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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by YoungLove on June 1, 2013, at 1:29:20
My military fiancé has never cheated on me with an actual person. Physically anyway. However he keeps signing up for those dating, more along the lines of sex sites. Today I caught him and he said he knows he has a problem but he loves me and wants to be with me. But it's like he needs sex (not necissarliy actual sex but porn or someone talk sexually to him). I know this is an issue and I have some deep rooted trust issues and things of that nature and this didnt help. But how do I help him get over this (for lack of better words) addiction? We both want to make this work. Also any help on regaining trust or helping with trust issues would be appreciated. Thank you.
Posted by Dinah on June 2, 2013, at 8:44:45
In reply to My fiancé has issues.. Help?, posted by YoungLove on June 1, 2013, at 1:29:20
There are therapists who specialize in sex addiction. Would he be willing to see one? I believe that often they work with both partners, and trust work would definitely be part of that.
I suppose every person has to decide what is and isn't ok with them. To decide if the good outweighs the bad, and if this is something they want in their lives. I'm no expert, but in my life I've found that one of the biggest things about trust is to really lay out what I'm trusting.
Different people can be trusted to do different things. If you want to trust that he'll never look at porn, or never go to a dating site... Well, that would, for me anyway, have to be pretty darn good therapy. I *wouldn't* trust to that level without such amazing therapy because trust wouldn't be appropriate, given what you already know.
But perhaps it would be possible to be willing to trust on a different level. That he loves you, that he doesn't wish to hurt you, and that he is trying to learn to fill his sexual needs in other ways. You could consider whether to trust him to be open and honest with you about his activities in future. You would have to decide if that was enough for you, and he would have to decide whether to earn or lose your trust with his behavior. As we all do. We all have to make those decisions.
But even then, I'd want to talk things over with an objective therapist.
I really haven't got a lot of experience in this issue specifically. I have somewhat more experience with trying to adjust expectations and limiting my trust in such a way that I trust a person to behave in keeping with the character and behavior they've shown me to have. It's up to me whether that trust in that behavior is sufficient to sustain a relationship.
But it's rarely in my best interests to trust too indiscriminately.
This is the end of the thread.
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