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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on August 21, 2011, at 0:49:18
this poster was under the name "notfred" but this was very helpful to me because it states what I need to do to move out. I'm not in a sitautin where there is abuse. No. It's quite plesant here. I just want to move out... so here it is
When I was working on separating from my parents when I was 19 my therapist was a BIG help with this. Instead of a big showdown and drama I just started to do it, taking little steps. The end goal was to move out but it took a while to get that set up & find the right roommates. I did not throw anything in their face; I just kept on saying that I was a man now and wanted my own space and my own social life. Here are some things that helped me:
1) I got a PO box at the uni and had my mail forwarded from my parents address.
2) I got a locker at the uni and kept whatever personal stuff I wanted to keep private there.
It had a combination lock so there was no key to loose or to indicate I had it. It was registered in my name only.
3) I eased into moving out by staying over with friends on the weekend. First just Friday night,
the Fri-Sat. Then Fri through Sunday. I made a deal where I would pay for one meal a day and provide some entertainment. Buy a pizza and rent a movie. I had a car and my friends often did not so I took them places. People loved having me over;
dinner and a movie plus free rides. My peers understood what I was trying to do, separate from my parents, and were willing to help and were very supportive. They were going through the same thing I was. When people went out of town I stayed at their dorm room or place, "house sitting". I would tidy up the place as payment. Young men's kitchens
are often scary, so I tackled that. Boy that made me popular.If I had some money I would go see a movie. Usually I could get away with seeing several movies on one ticket. Once one finished I would move to the next screening room. That way I did not wear out my welcome with friends who were often busy on week days. Or just go to the mall
and hang out. Take day trips; get out the map and pick a place a hour or so away and drive to it.To this day I still do this one, stay in a hotel.
Scout around and you can find one that is not too race track, has free cable and movies plus Internet. Even today I do this when I want to be alone or my roommate is driving me crazy. $59, which includes a breakfast, cable, movies, a pool, and internet. Ask for an early checking and late check out so you can check in the morning and the next day stay till 2. As I always eat out, the free breakfast (I usually pay $10) plus free movies (if I rented $15-20) means the hotel costs my almost nothing, $29 bucks. If I am just going to chill a salad (Mac D's, $1) and some food bars ($5) are all I need to eat, if I am on a budget.At one point in my life I had a roommate who was stealing my Dex. So I kept it in my pocket all the time. I found some sleeping shorts with pockets so I could keep my dex safe while I slept. I put cotton in the bottle so I would not rattle when I walked.
Ask your doc to start a new chart with no mention of your mom or her address. Use another person as the emergency contact. All bills will go to your PO box, use a friends address as your home/emergency address. You might just want to forward that to the PO Box. There are some cheap cell phones that only offer in town service, get one. I used to sit in my car at home to make personal calls or drive a few blocks away to make calls. Bring a radio into the bathroom, crank up the shower and put a towel under the door if you need to make a private call. Put a lock code on the cell, which you have to enter use the phone.
For me, after staying over at friends houses I found one that I felt the situation was good and they needed another roommate, so I moved in. It even came with a bed, dresser, and study desk
Matt, separating from my parents was a significant
process for me. It took time. Instead of saying "I hate you and am getting out of here" I reminded them that I loved them but I was an adult and was starting to want to do my own stuff and have my own place. I did not start day one with " I am moving out" but gradually built up to it. This allowed me to build my own support systems while showing my parents I was ready and able to start my life apart from them.---------------------------------
I would love if someone could just add on to this. I need instructions on how to move out because its too much for me to handle and I need someone to help me.
Thats all.
regards,Matt
Posted by Solstice on August 21, 2011, at 12:07:56
In reply to this post is from 2006 on moving out, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on August 21, 2011, at 0:49:18
> ---------------------------------
>
> I would love if someone could just add on to this. I need instructions on how to move out because its too much for me to handle and I need someone to help me.
>
> Thats all.
> regards,
>
> MattMatt - whoever wrote about the things they took action on gave you wise guidance. They took small, measured steps.. one at a time. I think you're looking for someone to do it for you - and that's just not gonna happen. If you can't take the kind of steps he described, then you are not 'ready' to live on your own. You have to be the one who initiates those steps, otherwise you will remain dependent on whoever does it for you.. which means you are not 'on your own.' Someone I love is a young adult with ADHD, a slow processing speed, and learning disabilities... unable to live independently. This young person has the potential to live in a support-settting, perhaps with a roommate, but will need a responsible adult or service agency to assist with money management, bill-paying, and other higher-level decision-making adult responsibilities.
The freedom of independent living that you want so badly (in hopes that you can find a doctor who will prescribe drugs you are addicted to) comes with a price. Freedom is not *free* of responsibility - rather - it is laden with responsibilities. Those responsibilities can be overwhelming at times. The first *burden* of freedom and independence is getting and keeping a job so you can be self-supporting. Feeding your addiction with stimulants that you say you will abuse if you get them will not get you what you want. It will not result in your having better performance, and could very well end up with you living on the street or living in and out of jail.
You say you have a pleasant arrangement now - including free living quarters, free food, clothes, everything you need, and a car to drive. There are earnest, good, hard-working people all over the world who live in squalor who would give anything in the world to have what you've got... and if they had it they would not be complaining about (and hating & cursing) the mother or the doctor.
You say you hate yourself for the bad choices you've made. Make a good choice. Volunteer your labor at a homeless shelter. Mow the grass. Be the custodian. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Walk the dogs. Feed them. Clean their cages. Use your car and spend your time doing things that are a service to others. You will earn the respect of your mother - and everyone else. The people running the places where you volunteer will love you - appreciate you - and they won't care if you're overweight or have a slow processing speed. If you do what I'm suggesting - it won't be long and you will begin to see yourself through their eyes - that you are a kind, giving person. The young person I told you about above works at a horse rescue ranch. Cleans the horse stalls, takes care of the ranch pig and cat. And that young person is very loved.. gets hugs every day.. goes to sleep exhausted and happy. They say the pig knows his voice, and follows him around the ranch like a puppy-dog. I saw a picture of him asleep in the afternoon out in the pasture, with his head laying on the pig who was also asleep, sprawled out in the hay.
What you water, grows. Right now you are 'watering' the selfish addict. Turn your back on that part of yourself so it will shrivel up. Take your focus off of feeding your addiction - and put it on serving those who don't have what you have. That will 'water' the best parts of yourself. And it will grow. And during the process, you will earn the recognition and affection you desire.
Solstice
Posted by Solstice on August 21, 2011, at 12:33:36
In reply to Re: this post is from 2006 on moving out, posted by Solstice on August 21, 2011, at 12:07:56
> The young person I told you about above works at a horse rescue ranch.
I said 'works' - - I meant VOLUNTEERS (but it's still very hard work :.
He does not get paid in money - but rather gets paid through an unending stream of being highly valued and appreciated by people who don't care one whit about his slow processing speed and sometimes illogical thinking. and he knows (and loves to tell you about) the background story of every horse out there.. the abusive situation from which that horse was rescued... the ranch staff's hard work at rehabilitating the horse... and the ranch using those horses in equine therapy for children in foster care, children with autism and other mental health issues, etc. He (the young person I'm telling you about) is part of something greater than himself - and he is successful at what he does. That's what gives birth to a self-concept that feels good. That young man feels good every day that he's out there, because he sees the effect he is having and the good things that come from it. that's powerful, Matt. If you don't do anything else - just do that one thing - volunteer some place - you've got a car and you've got the time. Do it - and it will change your life in ways you can't even imagine right now.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't spend my time trying to motivate an addict who right now is making himself miserable by focusing on his consuming desire to find a way to get to drugs he knows he will abuse. If you want to find a way out of your misery - find a place to volunteer. You'll meet people who will be compassionate toward your impairments, will expand your support system, and you may even end up finding a really good person who needs a roommate.
Solstice
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 21, 2011, at 19:22:33
In reply to this post is from 2006 on moving out - correction, posted by Solstice on August 21, 2011, at 12:33:36
I can only say well done! to what Solstice has suggested. You need a life that doesn't revolve around all the things you don't have, want and feel ungrateful for. In NA and AA, sponsors have you write gratitude lists for a reason == to get you to focus on the positive and possible, to accept what you can't change. You are focussed on trying to change the things you can't change but can't accept and making yourself desperately unhappy in the process. Volunteering can be a great way to learn gratitude and acceptance. Short of that, doing service at meetings helps people learn acceptance and build fellowship == chairing meetings, acting as treasurer, making coffee, going on committments.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on August 21, 2011, at 22:26:43
In reply to Re: this post is from 2006 on moving out, posted by Solstice on August 21, 2011, at 12:07:56
I have to say I am very impressed with your response. I didnt get what I wanted but I got something better in return. I really have alot of respect for you solstice. You know many people have told me to go do these things that you have recommended to me for a better life. I just never listened to them and that's why my life isnt where I want it. You know I have alot of thoughts that I don't need to volunteer because its not benefiting anything. No Paycheck. But something you said really changed my view about it. You said people will appriciate the work you do and they will absolutly love you for it. I could live with that over a pay check. I always am seeking love in people, or having their approval. I don't want to disappoint you or make you sad I didnt listen to your advice. See 24/7 I live with thoughts of narcotics that would change the way I feel and that is at work and it would bother me when I'm volentering BUT I think im understanding what your saying. To devote everything to my passion and forget my drug wanting. You know I would love to absolutly forget about all the drugs that I think about I want it out of my mind. It makes me miserable. I have no dealer. I don't know where to get a dealer either but let's not think I'm thinking about that.
I go to NA meetings and they have tons of positions to apply for non paying work. I will have to look into things to volenteer for but one more thing. You said something about watering the addict. See I think I am looking for something I need but i have the "drug addict" label on me when i told everyone and its like when you need water your get thirsty and its very miserable not having it when you need it. That's the exact thing with stimulants. I have to tell people they are helpful to me. Anyways, I will start looking at open positions but the main thing im looking for is a place to work. I've got to move soon. But listen thank you so much for your advice.
regards,
Matt
Posted by Solstice on August 21, 2011, at 23:05:57
In reply to Re: this post is from 2006 on moving out, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on August 21, 2011, at 22:26:43
I'm so glad you wrote back, Matt.. it's very rewarding to me that I was able to say something that caused a positive shift in your thinking.If you'll go ahead and follow through on finding some place to invest your time and energy that you believe in - I think you might be shocked at what it will do for you.
Feeling appreciated.. feeling that your presence is valued... feeling that you're doing something that has a positive effect on others... *spending* yourself.. all of that will give you a 'high' that is easy to get.. legal.. and might go a long way toward replacing an addiction to drugs that you aren't going to be able to satisfy... with a 'high' that will truly benefit you. It will energize you. It will give you a 'reason' to get up. You will learn a lot of things that will prepare you for a paying job. You'll develop relationships with people who will be motivated to lend you a hand. You'll be seen as a person who contributes to the well-being of others.. rather than being seen as an addict. And you'll get that soaring feeling of joy.. that can be quite addictive :-) I'm kinda feeling it just by knowing I was helpful to you.
I look forward to hearing about your adventures!
Solstice
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