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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zonked on June 5, 2011, at 17:19:00
Thanks again to the board for being my surrogate therapist.. with the type of insurance I have and on my income, it has proven challenging to find someone to work with me. I don't blame most therapists for not taking Medicare/Medicaid, as I understand reimbursement rates are very low compared to private insurers or people who can afford to pay out of pocket.
Is it wrong of me to want to see someone with experience, rather than an intern at a sliding scale clinic?
SLS, I tagged you specifically because you've struggled a lot longer than I have and seem to be on the mend, but this applies to everyone else too...
I have a huge guilt/shame complex around being on federal disability for depression. I guess what I'm about to say may sound controversial, but I am going to say it anyway: when I am around those sicker than I am, such as in the lobby of my doctor's office, I instantly lump myself in with the group and think .. "I'm one of THEM. DISABLED. An invalid, I'll never work again." I think about days when the world only held promise for me, and wish I could feel that way again...instead, I feel like I'm damaged goods and it's just too late.
It's been so long since I've worked, I am afraid to even try...Who would hire me?
Has anyone been able to successfully get off the disability rolls? What did it take? Do you know of anyone who's done this successfully?
Perhaps this isn't the best place to ask -- as a doctor once told me, folks in remission or asymptomatic (myself included, I confess) don't tend to frequent online support forums...
I just hope I can do it. I can't imagine a lifetime of this--not acceptable.
Sorry to sound negative. :-/
-z
Posted by sigismund on June 5, 2011, at 18:02:59
In reply to Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS?, posted by zonked on June 5, 2011, at 17:19:00
>I have a huge guilt/shame complex around being on federal disability for depression.
You have not ripped off the economy for trillions of dollars and expected to be told you are doing God's work.
Posted by sigismund on June 5, 2011, at 18:03:29
In reply to Re: Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS? » zonked, posted by sigismund on June 5, 2011, at 18:02:59
I realise that is setting the bar pretty low.
Posted by Christ_empowered on June 6, 2011, at 19:06:27
In reply to Re: Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS?, posted by sigismund on June 5, 2011, at 18:03:29
I'm living off my parents, which involves a lot less bureaucracy than disability, but probably about the same amount of guilt.
I'm looking for a job right now, I'm probably going back to school to get into health care, but I know how you feel about being "one of them--the professional mental patients." When I'm in the waiting room for my (public health) shrink, I sometimes see people with relatively mild TD. I hear people talking about how their antidepressants (note the plural) aren't working. And I think...is this what I have become?
It gets better, or so I'm told. If you can't find a job, can you volunteer? That might be a good use of your time, and if you do it long enough you could use it on as experience when applying for jobs. Just a thought.
Good luck!
Posted by zonked on June 6, 2011, at 19:51:58
In reply to Re: Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS?, posted by Christ_empowered on June 6, 2011, at 19:06:27
> I'm living off my parents, which involves a lot less bureaucracy than disability, but probably about the same amount of guilt.
>I know how you feel about being "one of them--the professional mental patients." When I'm in the waiting room for my (public health) shrink, I sometimes see people with relatively mild TD. I hear people talking about how their antidepressants (note the plural) aren't working. And I think...is this what I have become?
>The same --
And then I feel guilty for thinking I'm any better, or should be. The complex is rather, well, complex :-) But I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who feels this way.CE: You're obviously a bright guy, and you and so many others here help me realize I'm not a freak. In fact, sometimes I feel like I am among friends.
> It gets better, or so I'm told. If you can't find a job, can you volunteer? That might be a good use of your time, and if you do it long enough you could use it on as experience when applying for jobs. Just a thought.
There are some things I have in the works. I am feeling just-a-little-teeny-bit-better enough to begin to entertain things like going back to school, or volunteering in a pro-vocational way.
My self esteem will probably climb significantly once I'm again doing the kind of work I used to do... getting there will require time, patience, and careful planning.
Thanks man.
-z
Posted by SLS on June 7, 2011, at 5:16:11
In reply to Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS?, posted by zonked on June 5, 2011, at 17:19:00
Hi Z.
I have been on Social Security Disability for 20 years. At first, I felt quite lowly. Then I felt very guilty for being on the public rolls. I swore I would return to work ASAP. Well, ASAP has meant "not yet". I guess that's better than "never". If my rate of recovery continues at its excruciatingly gradual pace, I don't envision returning to work until September at the earliest.
So, what about the guilt? The more I came to recognize that my illness was as seriously detrimental to my ability to function, the more I began to believe that I deserved the financial support of entitlements no less than someone with cancer or heart failure. If you have ever felt "well", try to remember how easy and painless things were to accomplish. I challenge you to make the comparison in your mind and still feel guilty for being truly disabled.
- Scott
Posted by larryhoover on June 18, 2011, at 19:22:18
In reply to Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS?, posted by zonked on June 5, 2011, at 17:19:00
> Thanks again to the board for being my surrogate therapist.. with the type of insurance I have and on my income, it has proven challenging to find someone to work with me. I don't blame most therapists for not taking Medicare/Medicaid, as I understand reimbursement rates are very low compared to private insurers or people who can afford to pay out of pocket.
Zonker, I have had this post/thread bouncing around in my head/heart since it was posted. I'm sorry I come to it slowly, but it has brought up some very touching concerns.
First and foremost is my heartbroken awareness of how the richest country on Earth cannot/will not provide health care to each person, indiscriminately of anything but need. The idea that your insurance status might have any bearing on the quality of your treatment/support is beyond my ken.
> Is it wrong of me to want to see someone with experience, rather than an intern at a sliding scale clinic?
It is not wrong to begin with an intern, as reasonable medical support should benefit the typical patient. But not every patient will respond to basic treatment, and at that point, a specialist should be supervising your care.
> SLS, I tagged you specifically because you've struggled a lot longer than I have and seem to be on the mend, but this applies to everyone else too...
>
> I have a huge guilt/shame complex around being on federal disability for depression. I guess what I'm about to say may sound controversial, but I am going to say it anyway: when I am around those sicker than I am, such as in the lobby of my doctor's office, I instantly lump myself in with the group and think .. "I'm one of THEM. DISABLED. An invalid, I'll never work again." I think about days when the world only held promise for me, and wish I could feel that way again...instead, I feel like I'm damaged goods and it's just too late.
>
> It's been so long since I've worked, I am afraid to even try...Who would hire me?
>
> Has anyone been able to successfully get off the disability rolls?Yes.
I have been on provincial/federal disability supports from 1995 until this year. Technically, I required evidence of income to leave disability status, insofar as it represents financial support, and I met the test for independence this last tax year. I am told I have permanent elegibility for future supports, but that is a safety net for me, should I require it down the road.
> What did it take? Do you know of anyone who's done this successfully?
It took me learning to take measure of myself. One of the biggest challenges I faced was my own memory of who I once was, what I once was able to do. Those memories are no longer relevant, and serve no purpose. What matters is what I am able to do today. And, how I might apply that ability, to advance my relationships with those around me.
> Perhaps this isn't the best place to ask -- as a doctor once told me, folks in remission or asymptomatic (myself included, I confess) don't tend to frequent online support forums...
I left here a few years ago because I got worse, not better. I was unable to communicate, whether by text or voice. I was "locked in", unable to express my distress, or to seek aid. I was overwhelmed by physical pain (CRPS), which certainly didn't help, in respect of my chronic depressive state. But, what I learned in management of my pain (mindfulness meditation, especially), was also applicable to depression. I simply never lost hope. I refused to give up hope. And the teachers I needed came to me, and I learned what I needed to learn.
> I just hope I can do it. I can't imagine a lifetime of this--not acceptable.So, stop imagining a lifetime of it.
I am med free for six years, apart from what I need for sleep. I learned that sleep is my most critical variable. Unless I have restorative sleep, all the rest cannot follow.
> Sorry to sound negative. :-/
>
> -zI know that, since you wrote this message, you have begun a new med therapy. Has your worldview changed? If so, I ask you this.....why did you not have that worldview all along?
Lar
Posted by zonked on June 19, 2011, at 22:35:53
In reply to Re: Self-stigma, leaving disability rolls...SLS? » zonked, posted by larryhoover on June 18, 2011, at 19:22:18
> First and foremost is my heartbroken awareness of how the richest country on Earth cannot/will not provide health care to each person, indiscriminately of anything but need. The idea that your insurance status might have any bearing on the quality of your treatment/support is beyond my ken.Since I've began responding to Nardil, I feel much much more fortunate and am somewhat embarassed. My drugs cost me either $0 or $1.10 or $3.30 - without having to apply for patient assistance programs. Americans without any coverage who make too much money to qualify for patient assistance programs (generally, you have to be DIRT poor) must pay out of pocket, and often just can't afford the care they need - psychiatric or otherwise.
My choice of physicians is limited because Medicare/Medicaid reimbursements are very low, but it's more than some people have. And I feel better about those I'm seeing now that my head isn't clouded with intense, dysphoric depression and anxiety.
Still, that we don't have universal coverage is an embarassment. I don't know exactly what Obama's health care bill did or will do, but I *do* know it's a step in the right direction.
The republicans are trying to destroy Medicare (they've been trying to destroy Medicare and Social Security for decades) but they won't succeed...
> Yes.
>
> I have been on provincial/federal disability supports from 1995 until this year. Technically, I required evidence of income to leave disability status, insofar as it represents financial support, and I met the test for independence this last tax year. I am told I have permanent elegibility for future supports, but that is a safety net for me, should I require it down the road.Actually I have more or less the same option. :-) The SSA is very generous about trial work periods, and gives you a _LONG_ time of "stable work history" before they make you reapply from scratch, should you need federal disability again. This is good.
> It took me learning to take measure of myself. One of the biggest challenges I faced was my own memory of who I once was, what I once was able to do.Tell me about it!
>
I simply never lost hope. I refused to give up hope. And the teachers I needed came to me, and I learned what I needed to learn.I truly believe I've begun the same process. It won't be easy, but few things in life really worth having come easily. And the harder you have to work for something, the more you appreciate it. At least, that's true for me.
> So, stop imagining a lifetime of it.I'm trying. :D
> I am med free for six years, apart from what I need for sleep. I learned that sleep is my most critical variable. Unless I have restorative sleep, all the rest cannot follow.Good to know. At some point, when I get around to it, I may ask for a sleep study. (My insurance covers this.)
>
I know that, since you wrote this message, you have begun a new med therapy. Has your worldview changed? If so, I ask you this.....why did you not have that worldview all along?
<It has began to. I didn't have it because in depression I'm not *capable* of having it.
Depression is so, so, SO weird. But I'm glad I'm getting out of it. The pills provide the foundation, it is up to me now to do the work required for a fulfilling life.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's meant a lot to me.
-z
> Lar
This is the end of the thread.
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