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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on January 3, 2011, at 2:20:22
It is just past three in the morning. I've been a awake for hours worrying. Worrying mostly about my future. One that I really haven't got. I am so alone. I don't have any great memories of anything except for childhood. I am greateful I at least had that.
But you know how old people live their memories over and over because they forget the present, or want to forget the present, I won't have any memories that I will want to remember. And what about when I get old and sick, I won't have a husband to help take care of me, or for me to take of him. Even when my mom dies I will have no one, because based on past behaviour, my brother will do nothing to help me. I want a true partner. Two people who love each other so much that they would do anything for that other person. Grab tge moon if they had to.
It's not that I always need someone to help me because I do do a lot on my own. But I am tired of being on my own. Tired of it. I never have a enough money to do anything because I don't earn much. So I never really have the chance to meet anyone new.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I felt healthy.
I have been crying for hours now and I can't stop.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on January 3, 2011, at 7:33:19
In reply to Sad, sad, sad, sad, posted by Maxime on January 3, 2011, at 2:20:22
Well, yikes Maxime. I hope that you're sleeping now (it's morning and I just got up). Worrying about the future is a BIG one and hard to avoid.
Who knows what the future brings for any of us? I look at my in-laws and I am terrified - I don't want to become those people. I look at my mother, who is more intimate with strangers than she is with her family and the children she brought into the world, and I don't want to become her either.
I hope you're feeling better when you wake up. The fact is we won't become our parents; we have our own paths to follow and they will be different in many ways.
pc
Posted by Maxime on January 3, 2011, at 19:02:41
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad » Maxime, posted by PartlyCloudy on January 3, 2011, at 7:33:19
Thanks PC. I never did get back to sleep. I ended up cutting a lot and going into a world of my own. I did climb back into bed, but I just lay there.
Today I am numb.
Posted by Maxime on January 4, 2011, at 4:30:27
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger' » PartlyCloudy, posted by Maxime on January 3, 2011, at 19:02:41
It's 5:30 am and I still haven't slept. So now that is two night in a row wih no sleep.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on January 4, 2011, at 8:03:07
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger', posted by Maxime on January 4, 2011, at 4:30:27
> It's 5:30 am and I still haven't slept. So now that is two night in a row wih no sleep.
Oof. That's tough, and it definitely messes with your mood. I became downright militant with my sleep regime because everything else - my functionality, my depressive state, and increasing anxiety, comes after it.
I hope your SI wasn't too bad the other night. Again, I'm sorry you felt you had to do that to relieve your internal pain.
My therapist worked with me pretty extensively to get my "sleep hygiene" cleaned up. I worked with my psychiatrist to find the right meds to push me into slumber. It was hard work, and I have a lot of rules for myself. When I'm in an anxious state - like having gone through the holidays - it isn't easy to stay with the routine, but I do it.
My nighttime medications, btw, are 15mg (such a tiny dose, but anything more makes me eat like a garbage disposal unit) of Remeron, and 200mg of Seroquel, which also helps as an antidepressant. If, after one hour I am not close to sleep, I take a second 15mg of Remeron to put me out. I no longer take any of the traditional sleep aids like Ambien or Lunesta. And drinking is out for me, plus it's a lousy sleep aid as you don't get a good night's sleep in my opinion, you pass out and miss the restorative REM sleep your body craves.
pc
Posted by Maxime on January 4, 2011, at 22:39:01
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger' » Maxime, posted by PartlyCloudy on January 4, 2011, at 8:03:07
I know, none of the traditional sleep meds work for me either. Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I hope I sleep well tonight otherwise I will be a zombie.
That's great that you are so deligent about your sleep hygiene. It's hard, I know.
Maybe just throw some purple faery dust my way. Floatingbridge and I used to do that for each other and it seemed to work. ;)
Posted by PartlyCloudy on January 5, 2011, at 7:43:44
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger' » PartlyCloudy, posted by Maxime on January 4, 2011, at 22:39:01
Purple faery dust is the only true remedy for sleeplessness.
Failing having any of that on hand, I could give you a list of the things I have tried (and what has stuck) to help me relax for sleep.
hugs
pc
Posted by Maxime on January 5, 2011, at 13:53:20
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger' » Maxime, posted by PartlyCloudy on January 5, 2011, at 7:43:44
> Purple faery dust is the only true remedy for sleeplessness.
>
> Failing having any of that on hand, I could give you a list of the things I have tried (and what has stuck) to help me relax for sleep.
>
> hugs
> pcPC, I would really appreciate if you would share your list of things you have tried. I did sleep last night, but only because I took Thorazine. I didn't have a purple faery dust on hand myself.Today is my first day back at work and I needed to get some sleep. I slept for 4 hours.
hugs back at you!
Maxie
Posted by Maxime on January 7, 2011, at 19:48:15
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger' » PartlyCloudy, posted by Maxime on January 5, 2011, at 13:53:20
Very sad and upset today. I want to cut, but I am trying not to. It's hard. Been crying on and off today. I can't wait to crawl into bed for the night.
Posted by Maxime on January 8, 2011, at 9:10:38
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger', posted by Maxime on January 7, 2011, at 19:48:15
I am sad. :( Yesterday the director went over my evaluations with me and they were all REALLY good. He said that he was really pleased and impressed with my work. It made me feel so good! But then he said that the person who was doing it before will be returning and that I will be let go. I don't understand, it doesn't seem fair at all. The woman who had this job went to a college for an intensive programming course. I never thought that she would be returning. Why would she? Surely she would earn more than minimum wage if she found a programming job. I am really attached to all of the seniors. Last night I took one of them to an outlying area to the Jones of New York Outlet. She bought so much! We had a lot of fun together. I have gone for lunch with a couple of them. I am going to miss everyone. I have a job until June, and then I get the summer off. However in September, the woman will be back and I will be gone.
This is enough information to keep me in bed all weekend with my electric blanket going.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on January 8, 2011, at 11:10:35
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, sad *SI trigger' » PartlyCloudy, posted by Maxime on January 5, 2011, at 13:53:20
> > Purple faery dust is the only true remedy for sleeplessness.
> >
> > Failing having any of that on hand, I could give you a list of the things I have tried (and what has stuck) to help me relax for sleep.
> >
> > hugs
> > pc
>
> PC, I would really appreciate if you would share your list of things you have tried. I did sleep last night, but only because I took Thorazine. I didn't have a purple faery dust on hand myself.Today is my first day back at work and I needed to get some sleep. I slept for 4 hours.
>
> hugs back at you!
> MaxieMaxie, I see that you're upset over your job; you're crying and worried about self injury. I have a boatload of suggestions about the sleep stuff, but please don't take any of them as gospel. They are just meant to be things that might help you - and some might not apply at all. You already achieve tons more than I do in that you are employed; I stopped working some time ago and have not ever stopped beating myself up for it.
Anyways... I'll start my sleep suggestions thread on its own thread in case others here have their own ideas to contribute.
hugs as always
pc
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