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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on August 12, 2009, at 22:50:58
The way m***er responds to me when I am looking for comfort is invalidation and then bringing her bro' up. He was perfect in her eyes and they were very close, and he & his best friend were killed in a plane crash and I was conceived in the next 3-4 mos. I was named for them both. Is there something going on here that is damaging? She holds things in. I cry for things to be brought out and figured out and settled. Im seeking comfort at ending a 14yr relationship, but still, invalidates, and reminds me of his demise and its affect/effect on their mother, whom I loved very much. I think it's because she wanted me to be as nearly wonderful as he, and, now, I'm a disappointment. When in high school and very popular and marriage to a man much like me morally and socially she was very good to me. We've never been real kindred, but that was fine. But as my life worsened and as hers did, and he was always mentioned, ... why?? I've always thought it was HE WENT THROUGH THIS SO HOW CAN YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH AND I LOST HIM SO I KNOW MORE ABOUT PAIN THAN YOU, but, what is really happening here?
Insight please?????? I don't want her to leave this world w/o understanding why it feels like she hates me. I'm currently pretty much shunned by whole foo.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on August 13, 2009, at 1:19:38
In reply to Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by Fivefires on August 12, 2009, at 22:50:58
Could you explain more? Phillipa
Posted by manic666 on August 13, 2009, at 3:04:46
In reply to Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by Fivefires on August 12, 2009, at 22:50:58
dont blame yourself,i have a dad still alive at 97 an still hurting me with his lack of emostion an love , sure he loves my sisters but me he just carnt comunicate, he has hurt me all my live with lack of feeling,s an support ,i was in trouble alot , simple no one ever talked to me as a person,or a kid ,well my sisters did,now in his old age he is sharp as a button ,an im distroyed with lack of love from my old man , i stopped seeing the old bastard as now he says i try to steal his money , i give up om him why not ,he never even started with me, he actually gave my wife £1000 an said dont let him ie, me get any , he broke her heart to . i wanted to throw it in his face ,but thought f*** now we hav a new plazma tv an he can spin
Posted by Fivefires on August 13, 2009, at 10:54:32
In reply to Re: Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by manic666 on August 13, 2009, at 3:04:46
He was a wonderful person, just 21yrs/old, and it was another young pilot that asked he and his best friend to go up w/ him the awful day. My m learned of it on radio while in hosp delivering older sister. My d wasn't able to get to her before the broadcast. Then I don't know much but that from outward appearances she was very strong, my m. She said it bothered her how suddenly no one spoke of him anymore. Maybe giving me this name was a way of bringing part of him back to her, and instead of all that he was to become, she got stuck w/ an outlaw(figuratively) like me!
He said 'I am going to earn my life' ... m***er often would tell me, repeat it to me. Well you all know I think I'm not workin'. He was handsome, strong, intelligent, and a forward thinker whom I'd think might have done something wonderful to change the world, all this via pics and stories she's told. I wish Idk why my gm never talked to me of him as we were very close nearer her latter years. She was sharp as a (of my wit it gone) whatever, until given Haldol and I hypothesize developed NMS or SS and tho' here, she wasn't here.
I think of what XXX might have done w/ his life in comparison to what has happened (so much is on my shoulders that feels displaced so I disagree that we make the beds we lie in) in my life, feel I've failed her plan to bring him back, but like displacement of wrong-doing, much has occurred which I did not orchestrate, but which has towed me under.I am completely alone, losing weight, not enuf $ for transportation, grieving still my d/f and having to end the relationship with the chameleon white knight turning to black. I'm so heartbroken yet feel less anxiety about lies, stealing, drugs in home.
I needed foo now and m doesn't want me there; it's clear; none do, ... for her sake.
U are all I have. Last T violated privacy but bill is sitting here next to me. All support for 2+ decades of abuse is 1hr a wk w/o transportation nearby.
The grief of ending life w/ the white knight is heavy. I haven't washed a dish since I first realized he would not stop bad behavior, for me, ever, and reported he violated oop.
So here at this time am alone and ill and I needed them and they not want me, so I have cut off all communication w/ them cuz hurts too much and cannot be pushed one inch closer to the edge. I'm so close now I can see the fire down below.
tks p and m666
5f
Posted by Fivefires on August 13, 2009, at 12:46:46
In reply to Re: Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by manic666 on August 13, 2009, at 3:04:46
I don't think she is knowingly doing it, but m is taking everything I love away. Told me d/f didn't love me as much as I thought, but that he just had extra time on his hands ... blows my whole 'who am I?' away! It can't be true. We talked about it; he and I. I still mourn his passing now 5yrs later. Like she and others kindred, I was w/ him. But now she is taking this; I loved him so very much and thought it was mutual :((((((((( (?)
Then more, more people, more places, and things, either taken from me or not given to me.
It's like punishment.
I never ever would knowingly do her harm. I've tried to talk w/ her about it, and cannot get through! She always, always, says I am imagining it. Everything I see is wrong?? My feelings too? Impossible the latter. She would say it must be a mistake or it is my imagination or they would never do that, always putting a hurt done to me, back on me.
Last saw, mission accomplished. It was to come betw I and one I loved, a chamelion, wonderful to lies, maybe not good, but now I'm empty. He is gone forever.
Two loves, two men, I loved them, but she made sure we were parted, in memory, and in life. She cannot see what she is doing. I give her the benefit of the doubt. But don't we want to know the truth? Are some people just not capable of it? I tried to help her see what she was doing to me, but she'd cut me off. Maybe she truly hates me.
So here I am, I guess as she wanted, completely without the man I loved, transportation, limited funds, and maybe soon I'll be on the streets, like imprisoned and awaiting final sentence.
The man I loved was either man** or a*h* and for the sake of a school system on Ritalin. Then when out of school, taken off. But, I say, what about him? So he turned to illicits. I can see where an illicit would replace that Ritalin used to make the job easier for a school.
This is what she doesn't like in me, that I can see the gray. All is black and white for her. For me there is so many colors. The law says no excuse accepted, but if it is 'a reason', shouldn't we be allowed to be the judge of this?
Yep .. that's some of the outlaw in me. I thought I would expound on what is currently happening Phillipa.
tks all, 5f
Posted by Kath on August 14, 2009, at 10:08:59
In reply to Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by Fivefires on August 12, 2009, at 22:50:58
>I don't think she is knowingly doing it, but m is taking everything I love away. Told me d/f didn't love me as much as I thought, but that he just had extra time on his hands ... blows my whole 'who am I?' away! It can't be true. We talked about it; he and I. I still mourn his passing now 5yrs later. Like she and others kindred, I was w/ him. But now she is taking this; I loved him so very much and thought it was mutual :((((((((( (?)
~ ~ Dear FF,
I don't know if I have insight on this.
PLEASE, please don't let her take that away from you. YOU know your Dad loved you & YOU know the close bond you had with each other. Please try to use what I call the "strainer method" in this case hun.
It means you put what she says in a strainer & only keep what you want & what is good for you. The rest, you let drain right through the strainer & don't keep it.
I think you have good insight about her feeling pain & sort of wanting to say to you something like "You think you're in pain? I have gone through more pain that anyone, including you!!!"
I'm so sorry that she basically isn't a good mother to you. Sounds like the opposite.
((you))
I send my love .
Oh - this just came to my mind. There's a story about Buddha. The Buddha was giving a talk to a group of people. One man kept hurling insults to the Buddha - all through the talk.
The Buddha just kept on talking calmly & kindly. At the end of the talk, he said to the man, 'Dear friend, I have a question for you.' So the man asked what the question was.
Buddha said, 'If someone hands a gift to you but you don't accept the gift, where is the gift left?'
The man said it's left with the person who offered it.
Buddha said, "Well dear friend, thank you , but I do not accept your gifts."I'm probably not telling it exactly right. But Robbi, you can leave her gifts with her. You need accept ONLY what is good for you.
love, Kath Please take care of yourself & I am SO proud of you for leaving the relationship.
PS - if there's a CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) group in your area, I suspect it could offer you tremendous support during this hard time. I think they might have online meetings or support for people also,.
xoxo K
Posted by Kath on August 14, 2009, at 10:12:40
In reply to Re: Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by manic666 on August 13, 2009, at 3:04:46
Dear Manic,
I am so very sorry that your father behaved in a way which, IMO, makes him unworthy of deserving the name, father.
I am sorry for the intense & awful pain that has been caused to you. Everyone deserves to be loved by their parents. Ya know, we need training & qualifications for probably everything else in life, but not for the very most important function - being a loving parent!!! ANYone can be a parent & lots of people should never be parents.
All I can say is: Man - you enjoy that plazma TV BIGTIME!!! (((you)))
love, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on August 15, 2009, at 22:04:56
In reply to Re: Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by Kath on August 14, 2009, at 10:08:59
Hey Kath..you hit the nail on the head here.
The acknowledgement of this by my m, to an extreme, siblings knowing (can't they see?) and not standing beside me to even discretely say 'I understand and am sorry', I desperately heart-broken.
Shortly after posted this, m did it again; another issue; AN ISSUE SHE SUGGESTED I PURSUE(?) came back at me like another boomerang. I decided best to just reply, 'ok'. She won't let me in and they don't want her to because 'I'm not worth it to them. Afterall, I have nothing to give, I guess. Even the love of our father which I tried to keep alive, they messed with this, so I guess my looking to them for comfort, in the words of one of them 'you're making a fool of yourself', really makes sense now.
Myself, I would not want to leave this life w/o admitting to my child any thoughts or ill-feelings she maybe thought were her imagination in 'our relationship' *were legitimate*. I began to practice this years ago, when I saw it happening. I said 'no you're not imagining it. You are right. I am sorry.
I keep remembering times w/ d/f and his mother (She is whom I remember rocking me, singing to me, and rubbing my forehead when I had a headache.) and m far away. They didn't get along. After my d/f's mother drew her last breath, he turned away from my m and ran straight to me!(?) I failed him, I think though, as I was in shock at the loss. I was frozen, numb. I pre-grieved her passing. Anyway, I didn't put my arms around my d/f. He went to another room. I don't remember much more.
My m's mother and I grew very close nearer the end of her life. She ended up w/ her latter years as hard times and needed to talk and to be listened to. She told me I was the only one who understood.
I felt bad if this hurt m. I feel bad d/f's last words were re: me, esp. becuz she told me it upset her that he would say it to her kindred daughter, my youngest sister, feeling it probably hurt her feelings. I didn't learn of his last words until my little sister told me. M withheld from me. No, I was not there. I'd told him a month before, should anything happen please imagine me standing beside you there and holding your hand.
I went the day before and fell on top of him (hope I didn't hurt him) crying 'Im so sorry'.(?) He spoke a beautiful sentence and it was the same one I would have wishes to say to him, and I repeated it. I left. There were only two hands. One was for my m, one for my little sister. And, I guess felt if stayed 'Mighta rocked the boat'. I know he understood, but there still remains some guilt.
We, our family, who are still here, well .. I sorta' started to fall out of the nest and no one grabbeed me.
There is one sibling, the one he looked up to and spoke his last words, who did pass them on to me when I asked(?), who shared my deep grief.
She is lucky to have been/be kindred w/ both my d/f and m, as well. Has good husband and children and 'life'.
She has figurately pulled away from me too soon.
There are actually two sibs who are quite kindred w/ m. I am so not jealous. I am happy for them. (This i do not understand completely Kath. I love my m very much and want her to have her kindreds/her comforters.)
I am just ending this, my longest relationship with a man. I need my family's comfort. When I seek it from m, well there's exactly what you say K.
I brought the talk to me of lost brother always and her suffering, the invalidation, to the siblings. I didn't ask anyone to take sides. I was looking for some comfort there I believe.
I just feel truths, in our final moment, will be very important.
No one must have agreed. They dis'd me and my need for them! Why? They would not have to speak it in front of her. Are their none who felt like me; m and I had an understanding we agree to disagree. I have beautiful dreams of the four of them and I young and happy, just to awaken and realize they don't even want to acknowledge me or my current great sadness.
Bro', about 2yrs after d passed, on phone, said to me 'I thought he/I were the closest:( ' I said 'Oh bro' he loved us all'. I've never spoken 'd/f and I closer to them'. It was his wife who finally just said it .. 'You know you and your d/f were the closest, don't you?' I responded kindly, saying you're the first person who has ever said this to me. I think he loved us all and dropped the subject as soon as able'.
A recent invalidation from m occurred yest. The car daughter and I broke down. M's man friend, in service w/ my d/r, STOOD ME UP AFTER INVITING ME TO GO OUT TO EAT AND HAVE PIEx2, the day before he was ASKED/WELCOMED TO GO TO MY, NOW I AM ACCEPTING, 'NOT' MY HOME :( . This person went froma kind and happy demeanor, telling me I could have his piece of pie since is diabetic, to, when I called to say was gonna' jump in shower, said 'well let's just see how the day plays out'(?) Now, must assume m must have called him re: my communication separation from foo.
I've been able to STRONGLY FEEL and read behind the spoken words, foo does not want me to visit, ever again! Direct opposite to d/f's words 'well you better come HOME for a while' when I was usually in the midst of grieving love dying. (At this time I grieve the longest relationship of the five top ones, w/o anyone at all to comfort me.
My initial contact with foo was about pc safe from hackers, etc., and I think a slight mention of my HUGE NEED FOR COMFORT. (I always hid bad news, but since it has been at least half a century since felt 'any happiness', I might have mentioned my need for their comfort. Remember, I've no trustworthy friends where I live and children are very busy. (Still, I know Kath.)
I sent an email to sisters re: invalidation of myself by oru m. 24hrs passed w/o an I'm Sorry. It was then it really hit home not a single oneof them would stand beside me and discuss this w/ m. Imo, the grief for her bro'6decades ago, still is there w/ her. And, imo, one should receive some ease and forgiveness and peace if they'd talk and cry about it with their most-loved pp, their family, instead of sort of giving it to me w/o really knowing what it was.
I said 'would you stand beside me?' to sibs. I wasn't asking them take sides. What I was looking for was, their time to devote to m and I, so she, even more than I, could let go of these arrows she doesn't realize are dead center my heart. I wished we could discuss the tragedy of his life, the wonders of his short life, the deepness ofher loss, and, ITS RELATIONSHIP TO ME?
aBOUT 24hrs had passed. I knew they all are online at this time, and not one of them replied.
When my d/f was hrs away from passing, he looked @ my bro and said 'take care of my girls'.
It was his own wife who had spoken words re: who was closest to d/f, but then sent me an email saying 'i was exhausting' ... when we suffer from emotional damage it really hurts to be told to shut up about it by those you love so much. No apology incoming. I've sent three outgoing for my response.
It was his own wife who said 'you know, you and your d/f were the closest' and I replied 'Oh? You are the firt person to ever say that to me'.
So when my only bro' said to me 'i thought he and I were closest' I wonder now if she said this to him as well.
Their family lives in my d/m's home now. It was my safe place when meditating. Now I really can't find one.
Very bad is that this dribbled down to our children, their generation, and, now, they have joined the 'dis' 5f's movement' as well. These nieces, I treated like own daughters.
I am doing very well cognitively and w/ my anxiety level. Everything seems TOO clear. When I posted last, I'd rec'd one phone call. I have rec'd one since then. In the eyes of those I love, their 'get' is I am a troublemaker.
There certainly was bad in my 14yr (to this month) relationship, (I erred thinking it was 15yrs. Began in 8/1995.) there was a strong connection w/ challenge (I like.) and maybe the most love I'll ever again feel from a man again. When M here, she pushed me to file oop and alongside her, did her friend. The friend lives here, close by, pays the rent, and the she comes in the winter. Bible say honor father and mother. So, I did. She says do, and I do.
Relationship w/ her and I has become very bad for me, and obviously her, as all foo lives near and stand beside her but not I.
She loved me; I remember, I think. So, I feel/have a great deal of sadness and difficulty thinking the choices which she has made since d/f passed were intended to harm me, as all of them did.
So, w/ so much lost, then losing a man I loved by their constant persuasion and even my own agreement finally, I turned to them for comfort, but, they had none. M had blamed him for so much. It was like whatever m did or said or chose was right no matter the consequence to me. I know there is a diffence between feelings for a sibling and a parent; but in common there should be love. Losing so much the last 5yrs, and now a love, I needed to my family. I begged. I prayed someone would email (they won't call on phone or text message) ... come home for a while.
Instead, they had no feelings one way or the other; none responded. It would be hard for most of them to understand losing or letting love go, as many times as I have, I guess. But then, why didn't they ask me about it. Why didn't someone say 'Are you okay?'. They didn't because they were glad I had followed my m's lead.
I'm was the one reaching for comfort, and for her, denial comforts, whether they see this or not, the most important thing to them was she was okay. None care about me. I've begged for visits, phone calls once in a blue moon, something, anything, but nada.
Are they all angry w/ me because d & I were close?
Are they all angry w/ me because I need my mother to say 'I'm so sorry you're hurting. Maybe you better come home for a while.
Maybe they don't love me!
I told them 'well, I will stay out of your lives then'. So much invalidation was rendering me a nobody.
They are w/ homes, jobs, vehicles, and pp who sleep under their roofs at night who love them, and m's business, a dream realized and in which they all keep together,
but d/f gone, and I, maybe too
5f
This is the end of the thread.
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