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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 5:58:16
Last post to you. I can't take anymore and I'm not alone.
I have screamed for help one time, one, in 10 years. I didn't do 100's of suicide posts I did one. AFTER, I literally dangled from an extension cord. I was so close to death I could see Jesus in my headlights. My neck was crunched and it hurt like hell.
You posted great support to me and I was proud of you. Thank you.
But the next post you couldn't take it and said suicide again. You absolutely have to have all the attention here 24/7.
Here everyone comes..it's OK deneb, etc. It makes me want to puke that over and over you rope these people in and many are gullible enough to buy it. Not I, not now, not ever.
Analogy: War time, I've been shot 3 times and everyone is frantic trying to save me. You yell out that you lost your gun for the 800th time. They leave me bleeding to death because deneb lost her gun. wtf?
You are an intelligent girl. The coursework you do, I could never do..ever. And I do know that you have very serious problems to face. But like I've said before, babble ain't your daddy and we aren't equipped to help you. We can support you and most everybody does but you have to do the work and you aren't doing it from all I can see.
I wrote versions of this post 3 times at 1 a.m.
I didn't send them because I'm not here to hurt you, trigger you, make you sad or any of that. Many here desperately love you and would do anything to help, and they try. But it bounces off like a tennis ball off of my head when I try tennis...which is never.deneb, it's your choice how you deal with my post, and I know it's the roughest post I've ever written here.
I would say the exact same thing to a close friend in real life and I did just that to a man I've known since we were 5, when he was hooked on meth. I would die for him right now. He's as close as a friend can get. Anyway, after the showdown, nose to nose, he didn't talk to me for 2 months. That was 20 years ago. And he did stop, two!!! years ago.
Some people can't see the trees for the forest, me included.
Yes I get irritated with you but I'm probably more screwed up. I just keep it inside which was one reason I couldn't take it anymore on June 9th, 2009. I will never forget that date because I don't ever want to repeat it and by the grace of god, I won't.
I won't say I love you deneb because I don't know you. But, despite it all, you're a precious child of god and if you and I let him, he will see us through.
You may not believe me, but if something tragic occured in your life(not suicide, we both need to lose that word) I'd be on a plane to your awesome country in a heartbeat. We could cry together and as long as the tears were flowing I'd stay.
Longest post in history, Jesus Christ.
One more thing before I close this novel.
I used to work with a guy named Ken M at a store I managed. One of the guys had a 357 magnum and Ken asked to borrow it because some 'guys were after him.'
Ken was truly a gentle soul and I always cared for him. One night he and I and my gf, were at my apt swimming pool. We talked for hours with our 'britches rolled up and our feet in the water.
About a month later, Ken drove out Blanco Rd in San Antonio, walked out in the pasture and blew his brains out. Everybody that worked for me wept, even the jerks.
His father came in my store a few weeks later to pick up something Ken had left there. He was a broken man. He was devastated obviously. I cried when he left just seeing him..it was awful.
That's what we leave behind when we take our own lives. I still think of Ken, I can hear his voice, the way he talked I mean.
The more we talk about S, the more it sinks into our brain. The more it sinks into our brain, the more we talk about it. It becomes the solution for every problem that life throws at us.
We must be smarter.
If we stick it out no matter what I'm convinced when we walk through those pearly gates, Jesus himself will be there. What will this wise man say to you deneb? I'm proud of you, I love you, I was with you every step.
Welcome home.
Posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 16:39:46
In reply to deneb, you made a big mistake, with me, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 5:58:16
I was in group 8 years ago. I thought group was where people discussed their troubles and everyone chimed in their support.
I had no idea I was walking into a shark tank.I'd be talking and someone would say WHAT? You were then front and center while the two of you worked through the problem...or didn't. It was hard because I had depression and no one else did.
At the end of one meeting, a guy said to me, It's always about YOU, YOU, YOU.
I was so p*ssed I never went back, which is a no-no in group.
It was only recently I realized that he was right
and I missed the biggest opportunity of my life by walking away and not working through the problem and asking him what he meant and fixing it.I felt that no one there liked me cause some of them were very confrontational. But that was another key. Why did I feel that no one liked me?
And if they didn't like me, was that my problem, or was it their problem.Group is very effective but it isn't for the faint of heart.
What's the saying?
Hold your friends close, hold your enemies closer.
Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2009, at 12:01:10
In reply to Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 16:39:46
Phil you okay? Seriously? Are you alone or with others? I do care Phillipa
Posted by Phil on July 30, 2009, at 14:37:12
In reply to Re: Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a » Phil, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2009, at 12:01:10
Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2009, at 20:59:01
In reply to por que//why exactly are you asking? (nm) » Phillipa, posted by Phil on July 30, 2009, at 14:37:12
Cause I care. Phillipa
Posted by Tabitha on July 31, 2009, at 0:35:55
In reply to Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 16:39:46
I flunked out of 2 groups. First one, I got mad and walked out 5 minutes before the end. Can't recall at all what it was about. They never forgave me, and after returning from a vacation, I discovered they'd voted me off the island. Ouch!
Second one, I got into conflict with a woman I perceived as mean. Couldn't resolve it, I spiraled downward, and left the second my six month minimum commitment ended.
Not sure I learned much. I can vaguely see I was too reactive & sensitive. But I'm still not sure mean woman wasn't just mean.
Posted by Sigismund on July 31, 2009, at 2:10:20
In reply to Re: Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a » Phil, posted by Tabitha on July 31, 2009, at 0:35:55
Those groups!
It's like with AA and NA.....they make you realise 'People like you was why I took it all the time'.
One time at the station they were trying to train us and to 'break the ice' we were asked to tell the room 2 stories, one of which was true and one false, and everyone in the room had to vote the one they felt was true. I was speechless (of course). I said to my neighbour 'This isn't happening. It can't be.'
So this year I said to them that if there were any bonding exercises whatever I would walk.
Posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 4:41:53
In reply to Re: por que//why exactly are you asking? » Phil, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2009, at 20:59:01
Wow. You got me there. I'm OK sweetie. But it's 430 am and I'm just like I was at noon. Definitely not depressed but cannot sleep.
Thank you Phillipa. Honestly, I'm touched.
Posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 4:51:47
In reply to Re: Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a » Phil, posted by Tabitha on July 31, 2009, at 0:35:55
Group was hell and no one prepared me.
One lady was totally freaked out by me. Her ex bf was in the movie Slackers and he was a slacker in real life.
When I did individual with the therapist she said Phil, I met her ex and you aren't him.
But that chick gave me sh^t constantly.She was very attractive in a librarian porn flick sort of way and would sit across from me with her dress up to her *ss. I'm thinking, I'm getting mixed messages here and I really prefer the dress message.
It's 5 am I'm buzzing like an alarm clock. BP sucks
Posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 4:54:03
In reply to Re: Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a, posted by Sigismund on July 31, 2009, at 2:10:20
Posted by Angela2 on July 31, 2009, at 8:43:33
In reply to Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 16:39:46
groups suck-Guess I am one of the faint of heart. I'm learning to deal tho. One thing someone said to me that made a lot of sense recently is that we may be overly sensitive, but a lot of people in the world are under sensitive (is that a word?) and it doesn't mix. just made sense to me.
Posted by Phillipa on July 31, 2009, at 20:15:07
In reply to Re: por que//why exactly are you asking? » Phillipa, posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 4:41:53
Thanks we stay up til three am and sleep late. Wierd I am. Phil sleep during the day there are no rules on sleep. What if you worked the night shift???? Love Phillipa
Posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 21:07:05
In reply to Re: Now for my mistake. One of thousands!!! a, posted by Angela2 on July 31, 2009, at 8:43:33
There's a book called "Group". Not sure if there's anymore to the title.
Bunch of high performers in NYC. A famous rock musician, sorry can't remember the rest, but there was a guy very big in theatre, etc.
No names, you know. Big book and I could not put it down. It was fascinating and even came with a very bizarre ending. One of the best book ever along with the "Noonday Demon".On a scale of 1-10 Group 75
Noonday Demon 65
I loaned my copy of group to a group member. Never got it back.
Posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 21:12:39
In reply to Re: por que//why exactly are you asking? » Phil, posted by Phillipa on July 31, 2009, at 20:15:07
I'm a drummer but not playing right now. I loved working all night, sleeping all day.
It;s as easy as fishin' you can be a musician
If you play the songs hard or mellow
Taking Care of Business
Bachman Turner Overdrive out of Canada
Posted by Phillipa on July 31, 2009, at 21:23:08
In reply to Re: por que//why exactly are you asking? » Phillipa, posted by Phil on July 31, 2009, at 21:12:39
Phil must be why you can't sleep you have a wierd sleep schedule like me as worked til 12 and takes time to wind down. Go with you own body rhythms for now. Love Phillipa. Ka Boom!!!!!!
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