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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yellowbird01 on February 9, 2009, at 19:26:15
My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up this weekend. It's a long story but the breakup was basically because we both agree there is no future long term for us because we want different things in terms of family etc... NOT because we dont want to be together NOW. He is my best friend, and really.. only real friend. He's the only person I feel I can really be myself with. He knows everything about me, and I know everything about him. This is a HUGE loss. I am miserable. Barely functioning. Laid in bed in the dark for several hours this morning but then pulled it together and went to work for a few hours.. but didnt get anything done. I know I'm not the only person who has ever had an important relationship end, but I feel like I'll never survive this. It almost hurts to breathe. There is nothing in my life that doesnt remind me of him. We talked 3 or more times a day and even though we havent cut off communication completely, it's so hard.... so hard. The hardest thing I've ever felt in my life. How do you deal? How do you get past this? How do I even function? I love him so much and I cant imagine that never again in my life will I kiss him, cuddle on the couch... never again. Not once. Never. Oh my god...... how will I ever do it? I cant. It hurts.
Posted by TexasChic on February 9, 2009, at 21:50:19
In reply to Miserable, posted by yellowbird01 on February 9, 2009, at 19:26:15
I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm not the best person to advise on this, but I think maybe you should give yourself some time to grieve, maybe even set a time limit, and then plan to do something that gets you out of the house. Maybe an ongoing activity, like an art class or whatever hobby you might enjoy - something that involves other people.
Like I said, I may not be the best person to give advise on this, but I hope it helps.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on February 10, 2009, at 0:22:42
In reply to Re: Miserable » yellowbird01, posted by TexasChic on February 9, 2009, at 21:50:19
I'm not either any chance you will get back together? Phillipa
Posted by Gabbette on February 10, 2009, at 23:13:30
In reply to Miserable, posted by yellowbird01 on February 9, 2009, at 19:26:15
Wow I'm amazed you managed to get up to go to work.
Breakups like that are ghoulishly painful.To quote Andrew Solomon
"It's like vomiting pain without a mouth"
I think just knowing that it's going to be awful for a little while and there will be moments that you think you can't stand it any longer somehow helps. It's actually "normal"
It's amazing how you can adjust and even get better though.You might be thinking that applies to everyone but you but that's normal too.
It does somehow with a few setbacks .. get easier and
you find new things, new parts of yourself that don't replace him, but make life worth living again.
I was in hell after my last breakup, it felt like I was burning alive,I went to the hospital because the anguish was
just .. unbearable, and the mental health nurse told me, in a sisterly reassuring way."what you're going through is just what you have to go through. You can cry your eyes out here, or go home and do it, but it's going to happen, losing someone you love is the hardest thing in the world"
I couldn't fathom, couldn't stand the thought of life without him, and that was after almost a year. I knew how pathetic it sounded but I just didn't think I could.
We made the "mistake" of staying friends, which I thought made it easier, in fact I didn't get over him completely until we stopped contact..
He was my best friend too.
Another thing I told myself, morbid as it may sound is, you'd have to survive and thrive
if you lost him in a car accident, you have to
know that you can have a satisfying if not "ideal" life without him.I feel for you, but it will get better.
Posted by Kath on February 11, 2009, at 14:55:36
In reply to Miserable, posted by yellowbird01 on February 9, 2009, at 19:26:15
So very very sorry.
I know the pain I went through when my ex-husband left me. Actual physical pain in my heart.
Yours must be so much more wrenching in a way! Although it was pretty heavy-duty NOT being wanted any more.
Please view us as a support for you through this. I wish I could offer you some kind of thought that would help.
Please let us know how you're doing.
There's a saying "one day at a time" There have been times in my life when I've had to do it "one minute at a time" - just get through This minute, then after that's done, - just get through This minute.
(((((((((((you))))))))))))
Here to hear you, Kath
Posted by yellowbird01 on February 11, 2009, at 17:01:51
In reply to Re: Miserable » yellowbird01, posted by Kath on February 11, 2009, at 14:55:36
Thanks you all for the support...
Yes Kath, it truly is physically painful. I feel it physically in every part of my body, especially in my heart. Every breath hurts.
I went back to work today and it was so hard. Coworkers all know, but they were talking about husbands/VDay/etc right there, and I had to leave the room. I work in child welfare and the idea of dealing with my cases right now is next to impossible. Not without coming home to a hug and kiss after it all. We never lived together, but he was here enough it felt like it.
I sit in my living room right now where I can see my front door. I can picture him walking in that door, walking over to give me a kiss hello. It's a 1 BR apartment so there's no getting away from the areas that scream "him" and "us".
He'd bought me a beautiful slip piece from Victorias Secret a few weeks ago. I'd never had anything like it before and I was so excited to wear it, waiting for the right moment. I saw his eyes when I tried it on and I loved it. I never got to wear it. It's still in my closet. For some reason, of all the little things, that one really stings.
We're still in touch. I dont know if that's good or bad. I feel better when we talk. I really think I'd feel worse all around if we werent talking at all. But who knows.
My therapist is a wonderful woman. I saw her yesterday and held it together mostly all session. I was so mad at myself for that. I left her a message very upset asking her to call, then after calming down, left another saying nevermind that I was okay. She called back anyway, around 9:30pm. She said she was just worried and wanted to check in. It was a really good conversation. She helps. Unfortunately, nothing else matters right now except the fact that my John is no longer my John. It's about to storm here and I want him here with me on the couch. I feel like I've a huge chunk of myself and my heart.
I know they say it always gets better, even though it feels like it wont. I just cant imagine this ever getting better. How will I ever accept and be okay with the fact that he's not coming back in the way he used to be here? How can I ever go back to the places that we went together? It's a small town so that was a lot of places. I cant stop running the things through my head... the good times, the smallest things at home, everything. How do I do it?
I'm an idiot for not really having other friends and putting so much into this relationship. Boy, it hurts.
BTW, most of you do know who I am, without realizing it. Not a stranger.. not really anyway. I switched my posting name on admin recently. If you're curious, feel free to babblemail me.
Posted by Kath on February 12, 2009, at 19:56:24
In reply to Re: Miserable, posted by yellowbird01 on February 11, 2009, at 17:01:51
> every part of my body, especially in my heart. Every breath hurts.
~ ~ I can remember waking up in the night, sitting bolt upright & my heart hurting like heck.
> I went back to work today and it was so hard. Coworkers all know, but they were talking about husbands/VDay/etc right there, and I had to leave the room.
~ ~ That must have been horrible. People can be very insensitive, I find.
I would think that working in that line, having good solid support would be really a god-send.I can understand why the VS slip thing would be really painful. I'd have to hide it so I wouldn't see it!
> We're still in touch. I dont know if that's good or bad. I feel better when we talk. I really think I'd feel worse all around if we werent talking at all. But who knows.
~ ~ Maybe right now you still need that amount of contact.
~ ~ I think it's wonderful that your T called back & that you have that support.
> How do I do it?
~ ~ I don't mean to be insensitive. I didn't really feel any better until I started to fill the gaps that my ex's leaving caused. Is there anything that you like to do? I'm wondering if you can redirect yourself even in a small area of your life. When ex left me there was so much emptiness in my life. It felt awful. I joined a single parents' group & that felt even worse, because they all knew each other & I felt lonely in a group which is an awful feeling. But I think if I'd been in a group that shared a common interest it might have been different.
Hugs, Kath
Posted by yellowbird01 on February 13, 2009, at 12:48:51
In reply to Re: Miserable » yellowbird01, posted by Kath on February 12, 2009, at 19:56:24
Just received a call from ex today. He saw his therapist today. He's going into the partial hospitalization program beginning Monday at the local hospital. I went through that program twice a year or so ago when my depression was really bad. Its hard to think of him now going to what feels like MY program. The guy who leads it is SO good... but how can he go to that program and not even talk to me? Not even care? I hate that. I'm somewhat jealous even.
The other part is he's decided he wants no contact for awhile. Last night he said for a week. That was hard to imagine but liveable. Now he's saying for a full month. HOW will I go without contact with the man I've spoken to 3+ times every day, for an entire month?
The anger is kicking in next to the hurt. I think it actually helps some... but I worry about this weekend. I have Monday off work because of Presidents Day. Tomorrow if of course Valentines Day. Those things after a breakup are hard enough, but now I wont even talk to him. I've never gone a weekend without talking to him in years. I'm fairly calm right now, but I see a big breakdown coming. This will be so hard.
Posted by Kath on February 13, 2009, at 13:50:50
In reply to Re: Miserable, posted by yellowbird01 on February 13, 2009, at 12:48:51
Sounds VERY hard.
Can you put some structures into place for the weekend?
Preferrably with other people involved, but if not, maybe a schedule of your time.
love & hugs, Kath
((((((((((you))))))))))
Posted by yellowbird01 on February 13, 2009, at 17:14:54
In reply to Re: Miserable » yellowbird01, posted by Kath on February 13, 2009, at 13:50:50
Unfortunately I dont really have friends aside from John.
I left work today and cried so hard driving I almost had to pull over. My coworkers and I staff cases every afternoon 4-5pm. It's always part work, part laughing/chatting/etc. A good end to the day usually. Today they were talking about getting flowers, Valentines Day plans etc. I asked them nicely but clearly to talk about something else.. they all know what happened with my ex... and they did temporarily. Then they got back onto the topic for the last 10 minutes in even more detail. Then one of the women went and got the roses her husband had sent her today to the office to show everyone. At about that point I walked out and sat at my desk and cried. No one noticed. How can they be SO insensitive? I'm happy for them and I'm not asking for everyone to pretend the holiday doesnt exist, but come on. I'm a mess.
I realized partly why I'm so upset that my ex is going to the partial day program. It's because... I've given things up, given him many chances, hurt a lot for most of our relationship in an effort to give him the time/space he needed to deal with his issues etc. I never really got much reward for it, especially not in the end. I never got much support. Now he gets hurt by the relationship ONCE and he gets all the support in the world. The program is great and they wont let him go until he's feeling a bit better. Meanwhile I'll be at home crying my eyes out with no contact with anyone except my T one hour per week. It's so unfair.
I dont even have the words to describe how any of this feels.
Thank you kath for continuing to respond to me. I feel invisible everywhere else.
Posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2009, at 20:31:56
In reply to Re: Miserable, posted by yellowbird01 on February 13, 2009, at 17:14:54
So sorry your're hurting so badly. Hopefully people will post or e-mail over the weekend. I'm here all the time. Weather will not be conducive to being out. Love Phillipa
Posted by yellowbird01 on February 13, 2009, at 21:15:01
In reply to Re: Miserable » yellowbird01, posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2009, at 20:31:56
Thank you phillipa. I really appreciate it.
Posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2009, at 23:43:49
In reply to Re: Miserable » Phillipa, posted by yellowbird01 on February 13, 2009, at 21:15:01
You're welcome heah if it means anything don't even exchange cards here. Remember I'll be around Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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