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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 0:22:25
I dunno why, but I'm thinking 'bout the bridge again.
I found some pics of people jumping off.
I want to stand on that ledge after the railing.
I feel it's my destiny.
Posted by daveuk08 on September 10, 2008, at 2:36:06
In reply to There is a small ledge ***trigger***, posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 0:22:25
Don`t you even think about it,I`m hurting enough,
PLEASE DENEB, PLESAE DON`T GO THERE,I couldn`t take loosing another.
() ()
("!")
(__)
(")(")((((((DENEB))))))
XXX
Posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 8:12:02
In reply to There is a small ledge ***trigger***, posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 0:22:25
Sorry, I'm OK again, I dunno what came over me.
Maybe I get obsessive thoughts sometimes.
Anyways, I'm OK.
Posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 12:10:56
In reply to Re: OK again, posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 8:12:02
Did you cut down on your meds again if so go back up . Love Phillipa And if you feel suicidal please call your doc.
Posted by WaterSapphire on September 10, 2008, at 14:08:11
In reply to Re: OK again » Deneb, posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 12:10:56
((((DENEB)))
Push those thoughts far far far away. PLEASE..
Posted by Racer on September 13, 2008, at 12:49:39
In reply to There is a small ledge ***trigger***, posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 0:22:25
Deneb, that isn't your destiny. That's an obsessive thought. You've shown a history here of intrusive, unwanted, and obsessive thoughts, often about this sort of thing. You've also shown that you have a great deal of enjoyment in life, curiosity about What Comes Next, and really have no wish to end your chances of finding out. We don't want to lose you, and you don't want to lose you. This is only one of those intrusive, unwelcome, and obsessive thoughts.
So, what do you do with those intrusive, unwelcome, and obsessive thoughts? I think the Risperdal was helpful for that, wasn't it? Have you and your pdoc worked on techniques to counter those IU&O thoughts?
Do you know the story of Tolstoy's white bear? His older brother said to him one day, "whatever you do, don't think of a white bear." Needless to say, that was all he could think about all day. I don't know what to do about IU&O thoughts, but I get them, too. I'm going to be talking to my T about it, because there are times it gets in the way of my functioning.
(Currently, for example, my IU&O thoughts are focused on something rather pleasant -- I have a friend I find very attractive, and have been having intrusive fantasies about going to bed with him. Even pleasant thoughts can be a problem, though, since they make it hard to concentrate on what I really should be focusing on.)
(And for an example of an unpleasant version I've had: I was walking across a pedestrian bridge with my husband, and too afraid to walk on the side near traffic in case I fell down into the road and was hit, but also too afraid to walk on the side away from traffic, because there was a low railing that I was afraid I would fall or jump over. That's anxiety, and the anxiety was triggering IU&O thoughts. It was a terrible experience, and I very nearly got down on my hands and knees to cross that pedestrian bridge. I cried. I knew it was "only" anxiety -- I knew I wasn't going to jump over, but I was so afraid that that impulse to jump would get too strong and I wouldn't be able to resist. Those thoughts can be very, very strong, but they're still only thoughts. You don't ever have to act on a thought.)
Anyway, maybe it would help -- at least until you get a chance to work on it with your pdoc -- to remind yourself that these are only IU&O thoughts. Nothing to do with destiny. Only with IU&O thoughts.
I hope that helped.
Posted by Deneb on September 13, 2008, at 18:46:46
In reply to Re: There is a small ledge ***trigger*** » Deneb, posted by Racer on September 13, 2008, at 12:49:39
Thanks for your post Racer.
I think I'm OK now. I just get obsessed once in a while. I'm pretty sure I want to live until I'm very old. I enjoy life.
I told my pdoc about them, she seems to think stress triggers them.
Right now I'm back on the original dose of Risperdal. I went like 2 months on the lowered dose, then I got anxious.
We're going to try again sometime.
Thanks for reminding me they are just intrusive thoughts.
Posted by Kath on September 17, 2008, at 21:13:18
In reply to Re: There is a small ledge ***trigger*** » Deneb, posted by Racer on September 13, 2008, at 12:49:39
Dear Racer,
This is not the first time I've seen you be SO sweet & gentle & wonderfully supportive of Deneb.
Thank you for being you.
Dear Deneb,
It seems to me that it's been quite a long time since you've had an episode like that & it seemed to be quite short this time. I think it's important for you to be aware of both of those things.
(((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))
love, Kath
Posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 16:00:32
In reply to Racer + Deneb, posted by Kath on September 17, 2008, at 21:13:18
I'm pretty sure I don't want to die. Right now I'm trying to eat healthy because I want to live a long time.
However, I'm still a bit obsessed with the Ledge.
This is what I'm thinking...
First I will lose 30 pounds. Then when I go to San Francisco, I will walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. Then I will climb over the railing and stand or sit on the Ledge. Then I will climb back onto the bridge.
There is a chance that I might fall off the ledge and plummet to my death. If that happens then it was my destiny. There is also the possibility that I will impulsively jump off, in which case that will also be my destiny.
However, most likely I will want to live and I will climb back onto the bridge.
Hopefully I will not do this because it is just endangering my life recklessly.
Maybe it is that choice of life or death that draws me. I don't know.
There is a part of me that thinks it might be amusing to die for no good reason at all. Not depressed, not suicidal, just decided to end my life just because. No one will understand my death. It will be a puzzle to all. It will also prove that people can commit suicide while happy and content.
Posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 16:29:54
In reply to Re: New Plan ****Trigger****, posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 16:00:32
Sorry, I shouldn't have written that.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe I just want attention or something. I see no good from posting that.
They are most likely just intrusive obsessive thoughts.
There is probably a 0.00001% chance of my stepping out onto that ledge. LOL
No worries.
I just go over in my mind and it just seems so real.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 20, 2008, at 17:54:00
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol, posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 16:29:54
Deneb, how do you reconcile what you have posted here, and what you posted on another board:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852877.html
?
Anonymity aside, of course.
Also, I find it a difficult subject to lol about at the best of times. I'm glad you have changed your mind.
Posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 18:13:47
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol » Deneb, posted by Partlycloudy on September 20, 2008, at 17:54:00
It's hard to get rid of the borderline traits completely.
After I read your reply I got a little upset and I was suprised at how quickly my thoughts turned to overdosing again.
I'm a work in progress.
I'm upset, but I'm just going to ride it out.
Posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 18:46:40
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol, posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 18:13:47
I'm going to shut up now before I dig myself in deeper.
I'm sorry.
I'm OK.
No threatening.
Posted by Racer on September 20, 2008, at 21:38:37
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol, posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 16:29:54
Deneb, I'm going to offer you a little reality check here:
I don't think you really understand how tall the rails are on the Golden Gate Bridge. They're difficult to *see* over, let alone climb over. Even for those of us who are significantly taller than you've said you are would have trouble getting over that rail, and someone would have grabbed you long before you could climb that thing.
Second, any time you say, "I am going to lose weight for this event," you're on an unhealthy track. (And yes, I think those things myself -- but recognizing that that is an unhealthy thought is a good first step on getting healthier.)
Sorry -- it's none of my business, really, but I love it when I see how much healthier you are these days, and hope that you do speak with your pdoc about all this sort of stuff.
Posted by Kath on September 21, 2008, at 20:50:26
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol, posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 16:29:54
> Sorry, I shouldn't have written that.
>
> I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe I just want attention or something. I see no good from posting that.******Hi Deneb. I accept your apology. I also want to let you know that even though you included a **trigger** so I knew there was something potentially upsetting, I was very upset to read what you wrote. I felt scared & disturbed.
I care about you and it was upsetting to hear you talking like that. I'm not trying to guilt-trip you or anything like that; I just need to say how I felt.
I took it very seriously & I found the "lol" in the next post jarring. It seemed as though you couldn't have realized how it might be for your friends to read that. Maybe the lol was to let us know that you were okay?
I think it could be useful for you to print out the posts & discuss them with your therapist. This could give you some insight into what would prompt you to post like that.....or have those thoughts, for that matter.
When you're feeling like posting that kind of a post, I don't know if it's possible for you to stop yourself & ask yourself "what do I need right now?" "what do I want from my PB friends?" "is there anything I can do to help myself feel differently?" It's just a thought Deneb. I do hope you will discuss this stuff with your therapist.
There was a period of time when you were posting like that quite a lot, then there was really a very long time when you weren't. How are you feeling these days? I know you were really stressed about possibly changing your work position. Maybe these thoughts are triggered by how your life is right now?
much love, Kath
Posted by Dinah on September 23, 2008, at 14:43:58
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol, posted by Deneb on September 20, 2008, at 18:13:47
Hi Deneb. Kath and Racer said some good things, and I can't add that much.
But even though I find it best to ignore my obsessive thoughts, or regard them with interest and not attach myself too firmly to them, I do also find it interesting to look behind them to see if there is a reason they're cropping up.
You are having stress at work, because choosing not to be stressed is a stress itself.
But maybe you're also anxious about San Francisco? It looks like a lot of people will be attending. Does that make you anxious? Do you worry that Dr. Bob won't be as accessible as he was in Washington? Or that he won't show his very human side as much? Those are both legitimate things to worry about.
I have a lot of anxieties about San Francisco too. I'll bet lots of people do. If you think that might be what your obsessions are trying to tell you, maybe we could start a thread on the topic. Well, we could start a thread on the topic whether you do or not, of course. You could express yourself on it if you do.
Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2008, at 1:07:05
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it al » Deneb, posted by Racer on September 20, 2008, at 21:38:37
It's OK Racer. You tell me over and over again about how it's too high so I shouldn't worry.
I need to listen and go off obsessing. Thank you for your efforts thought.
There seems to be two parts of me, the part of me who still have some sort of "death wish" and the other part who wants to live to be 125. I think this is another manifistation of my black and white thinking.
Anyways, I talked to pdoc about this. It was nice to talk. I cried a bit.
Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2008, at 1:09:04
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol » Deneb, posted by Kath on September 21, 2008, at 20:50:26
Thanks for caring Kath.
I think I use the LOL sometimes when I feel uncomfortable with something and want to make it more light-hearted.
It's probably not so great to make light of death.
That's something I have to continue to work on.
Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2008, at 1:10:34
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all lol » Deneb, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2008, at 14:43:58
You know Dinah, those all sound like they might be contributors to how I feel.
I seem to have little insight into why I feel the things that I do.
Posted by Kath on September 26, 2008, at 21:30:26
In reply to Re: Sorry, forget it all » Kath, posted by Deneb on September 24, 2008, at 1:09:04
> Thanks for caring Kath.
****you're welcome. You're definitely worth caring about!***
>
> I think I use the LOL sometimes when I feel uncomfortable with something and want to make it more light-hearted.*****that's sorta what I wondered.******
> It's probably not so great to make light of death.
>
> That's something I have to continue to work on.****I'm glad you talked with your pdoc about it Deneb.
How's your job situation?
love, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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