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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 33 to 57 of 157. Go back in thread:
Posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 20:04:37
In reply to Re: Okay, I've had a good cry » TexasChic, posted by Phillipa on July 12, 2008, at 19:32:46
I've been getting a newsletter from this T named Jennifer Ryan, this is her website http://www.ichoosechange.com./home.html
The latest newsletter is about controlling negative thoughts. Here are four steps to feel and act differently:
1. Recognize the negative emotion
2. Isolate the thought that causes the emotion
3. Decide if you want to hold onto that thought (is it serving you well?)
4. Choose a new thought (something that will create the desired emotion)I haven't gotten through step four yet. But I can now recognize the thoughts that are causing my negative emotions, and they are not serving me well at all.
-T
Posted by Kath on July 12, 2008, at 20:16:19
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 10, 2008, at 19:45:11
> I wish I could just go live in the wilderness or something.
****can I come with you? & my husband too? His department is being outsourced at the end of the year & we might have to retire before we can afford it. I SO want my son's problems to go away.
You know, my husband had (has) a bad boss also & I had told him about yours. Now he won't have to worry about the boss, but at what cost?
TC - did you give the complaint to HR BEFORE the boss-from-Hades "wrote you up"? I know you'd expected that she might write you up at some point if you applied for another job.
You are in my loving thoughts. You deserve to NOT have all this stuff to go through. Life sometimes feels so hard. It seems to sometimes deliver ONE after ANOTHER after ANOTHER after yet ANOTHER dose of awful stuff to deal with.
((((((((((you)))))))))
love, Kath
Posted by Kath on July 12, 2008, at 20:31:43
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 10, 2008, at 21:18:34
> So I think I managed to turn around a potential mistake. I think I will be supported if I just try to work hard and prove myself.
****TC you did amazingly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, now the BIG BIG boss knows & you've corresponded personally with that boss. I think it's great.
My concern is about you getting things in writing. Does it mean that your yuck-boss has to write down instructions for everything you do? And then there'll be a record of how you perform?
I REALLY hope so, because that'd be proof for you. It sounds like HR told you to do that, but will the HR-3rd-person ensure that that happens? I'm afraid yuck-boss will be able to be weasely. What do you think?luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on July 12, 2008, at 20:53:16
In reply to Yesterday, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 10:01:11
> When I got back, I wrote my bosses boss an email and told him that when I found my action plan on the printer I was so upset I didn't realize the fact that it was just sitting there for anyone to see! In fact, there were several copies, and one was over on the table where we put stuff that
> people have left on the printer for a long time and hadn't picked up. So someone had taken it and put it on the table, probably seeing what it said.
>
> I also told him (I forgot to mention this earlier) that when I was talking to him that morning that rudegirl had come in the office beside us and acted like she was looking for something. A little while later another coworker came and told me that rudegirl had run over to her and said, "What's going on? I think T is getting written up! Do you know anything about it???" My coworker said she was so disgusted she just turned back to her computer and started working again. So I told him all of this as well as how my coworker had told me BossLady told her about it, and I told him that it looks like everyone will know before it even happens. I also said with all this going on, I have a hard time trusting that BossLady would be willing to work this out with me. So I sent that to him and another copy to HR saying how humiliated I was by the whole thing. The reason I did this was because I have been reading up on harassment and found out that one thing that qualifies is a supervisor belittling you in front of other coworkers. So I wanted it documented that I had complained about this. They were both already gone for the day, so I won't find out what they have to say about it until Monday.
>
> Its so hard to figure out what to report so that you're covered when you complain of harassment, and what is going to just sound like whining and make me look bad. But I'm handling it the best I know how. I try to always be very careful of my emails so that I'm not sending out something that is all crazy emotional. And Hopefully I will be over being mad by Monday and can talk to BossLady with a positive attitude. I really don't want to get another job, but I can't go on like this unless something changes.
>
> -T*****Dear TC - I think it's perfect that you wrote boss's boss what you did!!! I think it's very important that all those things are known.
I also am blown away by the WHOLE lunch thing & her knowing etc & not contacting you. I think you did well to pretend you were just looking around the mall. That was quick thinking & Huge maturity & self-control on your part.
I think you have a HUGE amount of justified anger & I strongly urge you to get some of it out in possibly various ways. Some people do well with writing; some with talking; some with physical stuff. Here are some suggestions. Hopefully some of them might work for you 'cuz I really think you need to get some of it OUTTTTTTTTTT:
- depending on how much your neighbours can hear, throw ice cubes one by one viciously into the bathtub, along with a verbal diatribe (had to look it up, but it IS the right word - "a bitter or malicious harangue; an abusive discourse"). The volume of the diatribe will depend on the soundproofness of your place! Everything you'd LOVE to say to each of them.
- I have a rubber camping mallet that I used to hit large empty plastic water, kitty litter or vinegar bottles with, while saying along with the hits, whatever I wanted to say to whoever I was angry with.
- put whoever's name you want to address - just their first name or a rude name, in the 'address' line of an email & compose whatever you'd love to say to them. Probably the more swear words or mean words the better! Be sure not to put a REAL email address in, just in case!!!!
- get felt pens & draw a picture of them, almost like a kid would, making them as ugly & outrageous as you like & also perhaps drawing what you'd like to happen to them. This can be a good thing to do with your 'non-dominant hand' - left, if you're righthanded etc. This is a way to let out inner child have a say in things! Words can also be part of the picture.
- write a letter to boss & to coworker, Dear Idiot Carol (or whoever) & put it in an envelope & put her initial on the front & drop it into a real mailbox. I did this once with my DAD, who'd been dead for years. I was actually afraid to put even his first name on the envelope!! even tho he'd been dead for years!! LOL So I put "B" on the envelope!!! I was amazed at how much emotion lifted out of me once I 'posted' it!
- take a pillow or cushion & with each punch, say one or two words -
Punch - I
Punch - HATE
Punch - your
Punch - Dam**d
Punch - Guts!
Punch - & I know
Punch - that you
etc etc.I am so sorry you're going through this TC. Please keep us up to date.
luv, Kath
Posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 21:03:10
In reply to Re: Bullies » TexasChic, posted by Kath on July 12, 2008, at 20:31:43
> My concern is about you getting things in writing. Does it mean that your yuck-boss has to write down instructions for everything you do? And then there'll be a record of how you perform?
That's the idea. I haven't actually talked to her yet, I haven't actually gotten the write up yet! I just talked to her boss about it, and then ran my idea by him (having everything in writing) and he said it was a great idea!
> I REALLY hope so, because that'd be proof for you. It sounds like HR told you to do that, but will the HR-3rd-person ensure that that happens? I'm afraid yuck-boss will be able to be weasely. What do you think?
No, no one has told her to do that yet. And really what has me freaking out is that she WILL try to warp the results. I try to think positive, my bosses boss said this was a chance to turn things around. He told me about an employee he wrote up once who turned things around and was later his favorite employee. I just wish I could believe that she wants to work with me. But then I think, so why hasn't she tried before now? I'm really torn between believing she wants to make things work, and that she's trying to set me up.
Funny that I told my coworker 2 months ago that I felt like she was setting me up so that she could give me a bad review and get rid of me. I'm definitely going to keep listening to those instincts. From what I've read about Highly Sensitive People http://www.hsperson.com/, which I believe I am, they pick up on things like peoples moods before anyone else. I have always known when something was up with my boss, whether it was about me or she was pissed off about something. I always email my coworker and say, "is anything going on?" And she'll say, "I don't know, let me find out". And then she comes back and says, "yeah, she's pissed because so and so said something to her". I've never been wrong so far.
And from what I understand, the 3rd party HR person is supposed to insure things are done fairly.
One other thing, and this has been really bothering me, when I was talking to my bosses boss, he said she had told him she was concerned because I don't have all my categories and sub categories memorized. And he said after two years I should know all that and if he went to the other two girls in my position he guarantees they would know them. Well I asked one of them and she said no way did she have that memorized!
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 22:50:33
In reply to IMPORTANT - Get That Anger OUT))))))) » TexasChic, posted by Kath on July 12, 2008, at 20:53:16
> *****Dear TC - I think it's perfect that you wrote boss's boss what you did!!! I think it's very important that all those things are known.
>
> I also am blown away by the WHOLE lunch thing & her knowing etc & not contacting you. I think you did well to pretend you were just looking around the mall. That was quick thinking & Huge maturity & self-control on your part.It took all my effort to turn around and go back there. I wanted to just leave with no explanation. But I knew I was acting on emotion so I thought I better do what I thought was the right thing, rather than what would have felt better.
Thanks for saying it was justified. I know I have to figure things out for myself, but its good to know someone else thought all of it was way out of line.
I love all your anger suggestions! I like the writing what I want to say without sending it idea. That might help get it out of my head. I think I'll do that tomorrow to try to get my mind right for work on Monday. I want to go in like nothing is bothering me. I'm feeling ok now, but I seem to go through cycles of getting all upset about it, and then getting control for a while again.
Thanks so much Kath!
-T
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2008, at 11:21:36
In reply to Okay, I've had a good cry, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 15:51:52
I think that's a great idea. Hopefully she'll be a good match for you in terms of what you need.
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2008, at 12:27:32
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 21:03:10
It also occurs to me, although I admit total ignorance on the topic, that there is a lot of talking going on in your office about what's going on in your office. Perhaps my husband's stance of obliviousness is a wise one to make in action, even if it can't be accomplished in feelings or thoughts. If others in your office are talking about office politics or your boss, maybe the best part of valor would be to feign ignorance and change the topic to last night's tv or some project you're working on? If your coworkers are talking a lot about your boss and other coworkers and various relations between them, I wouldn't count on them not talking about you to, for example, your boss. Not even directly, but just let something slip. Maybe even third hand.
I have discovered even in my small office that coworkers are coworkers, not friends really. They might be friendly coworkers, but it's a different dynamic. It could be painful to look upon them as friends and have them turn out to be just friendly coworkers. Their main purpose in being there is to earn their pay and do their jobs. Friendship is secondary. I wouldn't put too much reliance on friendships forged under those conditions.
I'm not suggesting that you be paranoid. Most people aren't malicious. Most people mean well and try to be helpful and friendly. But it might be a good idea to be wary of interoffice talk.
One thing I do remember about my books on bullies is that bullies thrive in an environment of alliances. So it might be a good idea to steer clear of them as much as possible.
And, like I said, I've never worked in a big office, so I may be totally ignorant of what goes on.
Posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2008, at 12:36:00
In reply to Okay, I've had a good cry, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 15:51:52
This is the letter I wrote her but didn't send.
For the last two years, you and I have discussed our numerous problems with our boss. You are the one person who REALLY knows how unreasonable she is, what these past two years have been like, and what I have gone through. You even told me your husband calls her psycho bitch because of all he has heard from you about her.
I told you two months ago that I felt like our boss was planing to write me up, and nothing I could do would change that. You told me to be sure and document everything. Unfortunately I was too busy trying to live up to our boss's unreasonable demands to do much documenting. I told you when I saw she went to HR that it was about me. You said you would try to find out what was going on.
She then took you out to an early impromptu lunch without saying anything to me. I was sitting there for 30 minutes waiting for you two to come back in so I could go. Since I found that suspicious I called you later that day. You never returned the call.
Then I find my action plan on the public printer (when our boss has one in her office) just laying there for who knows how long for everyone to see. There were several copies, and somebody had put one of them on the table where we lay stuff that has been setting on the printer for a long time without being picked up. Once again I tried to remain the professional and just went back to my work.
After this our boss starts acting especially nice to me, although it was transparently fake. I couldn't help but wonder what you would think of all this. Then I see you at the store and I wait for you to say something about it. You never did, so I thought you must not know about it! So I tell you what happened, and you nonchalantly say, "Oh yeah, [our boss] told me about that." You knew all that time that I had found my action plan on the printer, and not only did you never bother to contact me and maybe see how I was, you pretend nothing was going on when you did see me! I was so shocked I turned around and walked out. I almost got to my car when I realized I needed to act professionally, go back in there, and make it through that lunch. So I did, and I got to sit there and hear all about you and our boss going out and getting drunk. It took every bit of my self control to remain there.
I feel completely betrayed by you. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to trust you! When I think of all those times I confided in you - you probably told our boss everything! Its obvious to me now that you are just as fake as our boss. But you're even worse, because you're not only two faced, but you're also a coward who won't stand up for a person you know is being mistreated, when you are the one person who could confirm everything. You have hurt me way worse than our boss ever could, because I trusted you.
I needed to tell you these things. I needed to express how I felt about you. I can still work with you, but I don't have to like you. Don't pretend to be my friend when you obviously aren't.
Posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2008, at 13:00:14
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2008, at 12:27:32
No, everything you said makes sense. I really only completely confided in my coworker that I wrote the letter to above, but its obvious now I shouldn't have trusted her. But its so hard when you're being mistreated and somebody acts compassionate! But other than her I have kept this all to myself until recently, when I felt I may need some witnesses, which is why I've started speaking to others about it. But yeah, it sounds like your husband has the right idea. But it seems like its easier for men to get away with that attitude. However, I could probably do it if I really tried. In fact I really did try at first. I didn't tell my coworker anything personal for the entire first year we worked together. It was her that finally came to me to talk about the problems she was having with our boss.
I'm so confused right now. I think I should get out of there and get another job, but then I think I need to stay and stand up for myself rather than go somewhere else only to have it repeat all over again.
I decided yesterday I was going to go do something today, like go to the bookstore and Walmart, and try to stop obsessing. I have a little money set aside to spend, and I have gotten into the bad habit of never leaving the house when I'm off work. So that's what I'm going to do now. Thanks everyone for your advice and for listening. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
-T
Posted by Kath on July 13, 2008, at 19:50:16
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2008, at 12:27:32
Posted by Kath on July 13, 2008, at 19:55:57
In reply to Re: Bullies, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2008, at 21:03:10
TC - I think your going in as though nothing's bothering you is a great strategy.
I DO hope you get some of that anger out out out :-)
I personally doubt that your boss wants to work anything out, however, I think it's important to try to get to a place where you care as little as possible about that.
I say keep those 'highly sensitive radar waves' tuned to doing whatever you can to keep the process fair. Is there any way that you can memorize those things that you & the other girl don't know off by heart? About what % do you think you know now? I'm just thinking that if there's any way you COULD memorize them, it'd be great, as it would be a very tangible 'improvement'. Pisses me off that you have to prove yourself, as it sounds like you work really really hard & are an asset to the organization! Oh well.
I'm sending SUCH supportive thoughts & vibes your way, you couldn't even believe it!
Much love, Kath
PS - how will the "boss-putting-things-in-writing" thing come about, do you think?
Posted by Kath on July 13, 2008, at 20:01:49
In reply to The letter I didn't send to my so called friend, posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2008, at 12:36:00
Way to GO!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW - although you don't need to post it & it would probably be filled with so many ******'s that we wouldn't be able to read it anyway - NOW - I think you need to get the really angry stuff out TC.
Not one you'd send her, but one where you say all the little-kid-foot-stamping stuff that is the RAW EMOTION of you having been betrayed, hurt, disrespected, etc, etc.
love & hugs & maybe it's just me who would need to get THAT stuff out, but you've certainly been treated in a way that warrants having BIG outraged stuff that probably would need alot of ****'s to post here!
Love YOU, Kath
Posted by Kath on July 13, 2008, at 20:03:05
In reply to The letter I didn't send to my so called friend, posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2008, at 12:36:00
Way to GO!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW - although you don't need to post it & it would probably be filled with so many ******'s that we wouldn't be able to read it anyway - NOW - I think you need to get the really angry stuff out TC.
Not one you'd send her, but one where you say all the little-kid-foot-stamping stuff that is the RAW EMOTION of you having been betrayed, hurt, disrespected, etc, etc.
love & hugs & maybe it's just me who would need to get THAT stuff out, but you've certainly been treated in a way that warrants having BIG outraged stuff that probably would need alot of ****'s to post here!
Love YOU, Kath
Posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2008, at 19:12:15
In reply to Re: The letter I didn't send to my so called friend » TexasChic, posted by Kath on July 13, 2008, at 20:03:05
It was pretty non-eventful today. She's still being all nicey nice. At the end of the day she scheduled a meeting with me, her and her boss for Wed. I had requested it last week, and just today she responded and said she wanted to wait until next week because we were so busy, but I believe her boss may have initiated it as a result of the last email I sent him. So we'll see what happens!
I have a lot of things going around in my mind, so I'll have to write down what I want to say. I think I'm more worried about saying what I shouldn't say. I don't think it would be a good idea to go in there and start telling her off. It would be satisfying, but probably not smart.
I can't help but wonder if her boss has told her some of what I've said, like about the ADD thing. He swore on his CHILDREN lives (or was it their names?) that he wouldn't repeat anything I said. But I'm just not completely convinced. For one thing I find saying you swear on your children's lives (or even names) is a deplorable thing to say. He certainly didn't make me believe he was more honest because he said that. In fact, I can't believe anybody would say that and actually mean it, which means they're lying to you, which kind of defeats the purpose. But I digress... I've always wanted to say that. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything else to say!
-T
Posted by Kath on July 14, 2008, at 19:43:24
In reply to Meeting scheduled for Wed morning, posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2008, at 19:12:15
yeah - I digress is a pretty cool thing to be able to say. I must remember to say it while talking to my daughter on the phone. We are word-lovers......
That seems like a VERY strange thing for him to say, doesn't it! Weird.
Yes, I think you're right to be very aware of what you want to say, and also perhaps of what you DON'T want to say!
Keep us posted please.
luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on July 15, 2008, at 9:19:11
In reply to Meeting scheduled for Wed morning, posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2008, at 19:12:15
http://www.howtohaveabullyfreeworkplace.com/?gclid=COjagtGJwpQCFQJtFQodwhFjFg
Just saw this as an onscreen 'ad'.
Putting it here in case it's of help or interest.
xoxo Kath
Posted by Dinah on July 16, 2008, at 14:13:50
In reply to Meeting scheduled for Wed morning, posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2008, at 19:12:15
And hoping it went well.
Posted by Kath on July 16, 2008, at 14:30:22
In reply to I'm thinking of you » TexasChic, posted by Dinah on July 16, 2008, at 14:13:50
Posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 21:42:05
In reply to I'm thinking of you » TexasChic, posted by Dinah on July 16, 2008, at 14:13:50
They just blew off everything I said. My bosses boss completely flipped sides from the last time I talked to him. He said I was just not doing as well as the others in my position, even one who had been there a shorter time than me. I started to say something because the others in my position have both been there over 10 years, but he interrupted me and said he wasn't going to get into that. I also tried to point out that my boss had never brought up any of this stuff I'm supposedly sucking at until about 2-3 months ago (the HR lady even made a point of saying that when I met with her), but my boss said she HAD written stuff like that on my review and she could show it to me. At that point I didn't even want to continue. I knew she would just twist something to fit what she wanted. And believe me, I was sick to death of both of them by that time.
Its ridiculous because everybody who works with me and actually knows something about what I do (which believe me, my boss doesn't) thinks I do a better than average job. I'm the one who everybody comes to with questions for crying out loud!
As for the ADD stuff, they said if it interfered with my job then I needed to find another one. I didn't even get to the part about her putting things in writing. At the end I was just like, okay, then I have nothing else to say. Then I got to work until 9PM tonight. Nice, huh? I cried the whole last 3 hours (nobody else was there - my boss was in the building but elsewhere).
I have a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning, maybe she'll say I'm unfit for work. Then later I have an appointment with HR (that I made). I don't expect anything to come of it, but I figured I could at least tell her what happened at the meeting, and maybe find out what's going on with the investigation. I also called the employee assistance line that is a benefit from my insurance, which provides three free visits with a T. I could choose pretty much whoever took my insurance. So I have an appointment on Saturday.
I'd still like to go to my bosses bosses boss. He's really nice and seems to like me. But I just don't think I can go through it again. I am really bottoming out here. I'm not in the mind to do myself hard, but I'm feeling really bad.
I didn't talk to my coworker who works with me under my boss and she didn't talk to me. I think she just knew to leave me alone. Eventually we'll have to talk since we work together, but I just don't know what I'll end up saying.
Time to start the heavy duty job hunt I guess. Did I mention that I've applied to over 50 jobs online in the last month and a half? Maybe something will come through for me.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 22:04:03
In reply to Thanks, it went terribly, posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 21:42:05
I thought my title came out like, gee thanks, which I didn't mean for it to.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 22:13:27
In reply to I'm thinking of you » TexasChic, posted by Dinah on July 16, 2008, at 14:13:50
I think its time to go smoke one of my stale *ss cigarettes. I save them for stressful times and believe it or not the pack is really old. But I think tonight qualifies.
I'm never going to be able sleep tonight!
-T
Posted by Dinah on July 16, 2008, at 22:20:26
In reply to Re: I'm thinking of you, posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 22:13:27
I'm so sorry. :(
Posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 22:37:14
In reply to ((((((((((TC))))))))))))), posted by Dinah on July 16, 2008, at 22:20:26
Thank you Dinah. I'm just so sick of it all. Just everything.
-T
Posted by Kath on July 17, 2008, at 14:36:12
In reply to Thanks, it went terribly, posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2008, at 21:42:05
Oh hunnee,
I am so very sorry. WHAT an ordeal. I would have thought there'd be an HR person at the meeting. Maybe there was & I misunderstood.
I wish you could go to the next level boss up.
Oh TC.
(((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))
much much love, Kath
PS - let me know if there's anything I can do. I'll "hold light" for you for sure.
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