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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 11:40:26
I'm feeling like a major loser right now. All my friends are getting married and buying houses with two garages.
Meanwhile I'm struggling to finish my degree and not succeeding very well and working part-time. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to move up to a higher position at work because of my social anxiety. I've worked for about a year now and I still have not talked to anyone or made any friends.
At this rate, I'll never be able to afford to live on my own.
I'm seriously starting to think maybe I'm disabled or something. The other day I met up with a friend who decided to bring me to a vegetarian meet up. I totally freaked. I was incapacitated. I couldn't talk. I couldn't even order food. I think I made a fool of myself.
Sigh. There are so many things I can't do. I'll never make it out there in the real world.
I'm such a loser. I'll never move out or have my own home. I'll never made enough money to do so.
Without my parents helping me, I would probably be homeless. :-(
Posted by MissK on February 3, 2008, at 12:29:15
In reply to I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 11:40:26
Well, you are not homeless. Be glad! Don't try to measure yourself so much with others. You are just at a different point in your life. Not everyone has the same thing in life at the same time. Believe in yourself, and you will be alright.
Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:05:57
In reply to Re: I need help in life » Deneb, posted by MissK on February 3, 2008, at 12:29:15
I think working at a call centre part-time and making $10.25/hour is as good as it gets for me. :-(
At the rate I'm taking classes (one class per semester), it will take me 2 more years to get my degree and then what? I'm not qualified to do anything.
I want a house too. :-( My friends have nice houses in good neighbourhoods. Meanwhile I don't even know how to drive.
I will never be able to afford a house by myself with the job I have.
Sigh, even if I do get my own house I don't know how to live independently. I don't know how to cook.
Posted by MissK on February 3, 2008, at 13:17:40
In reply to Re: I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:05:57
>I don't know how to live independently
Only way to know and learn is to do it. Why not get your own place or a roommate.
Posted by Fivefires on February 3, 2008, at 13:37:37
In reply to I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 11:40:26
I do too Deneb.
I'm wondering why someone doesn't open up a 'Get A Life' shop. I would shop there!
Feels like all I do is suffer.
Hope things will get better for us both soon.
My daughter says I need to stop being angry *inside* and have ... faith.
take care, 5f
Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:37:38
In reply to Re: I need help in life » Deneb, posted by MissK on February 3, 2008, at 13:17:40
I'm not sure I can afford to rent. I don't make very much at all. Plus it's comfy living at home. I don't get lonely and I have everything I need.
Let me research places to rent...I really don't think I make enough money, but I will check. I only make about $800/month. Meds used to cost me $150/month, but thank goodness I have insurance from work now and it's covered 100%. School is expensive too. I don't think I can survive on probably a little less than $800/month.
Posted by Racer on February 3, 2008, at 13:39:11
In reply to Re: I need help in life » Deneb, posted by MissK on February 3, 2008, at 13:17:40
Deneb, all your friends who are getting married right now are on a different path from yours.
If it helps, think of these as "starter marriages" for them...
Seriously, though -- none of what you're describing remotely makes you anything like a loser. It doesn't make you all that different from most of the world, even. The people who made it straight through college often had something I don't think you've ever had: the support structure that allows them to succeed in getting straight through college. From what you've posted over the years, the phrase "support structure" doesn't come to my mind...
Whatever you do, learn not to see today as an absolute. Today is nothing more than today -- it's not a sign of what tomorrow will be. You can learn the skills of independent living, even while you're living at home. Ask your mother to help you learn to cook. Buy a really good cookbook -- "Fannie Farmer" is my favorite, my mother prefers "The Joy Of Cooking," -- and make a few recipes from it. Cooking is often fun, and the results are often even better. Pay some of your own bills. Find a driving school and take lessons -- or don't worry about it.
About driving: I grew up in San Francisco, a city with a fairly great bus system. I never needed to drive, there was never any parking anyway, so I didn't learn until I moved away from the City -- I was in my late twenties, and was terrified. The first time I drove faster than 30 miles per hour, I had to pull over to the side of the road and cry. (The teacher was very nice about it.) My father never drove a car in his life. Neither did his brother. Their father may never even have ridden in an automobile!
That's actually another good lesson for you -- if you look around you, you may find that you're comparing yourself only to one homogeneous group. If you really look around, you may find that you're a heck of a lot more successful than you think.
Maybe you should consider using some of your money to hire a cheerleader to follow you around and boost you up? ;-)
I wish you well, bright star.
Posted by tina on February 3, 2008, at 13:40:49
In reply to I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 11:40:26
Hi Deneb
First, I have to say finishing your degree AND working is amazing. I am incredibly impressed by that.
I divorced back in 2004 and I have had to live with my father since then. I've had one fulltime job that lasted for a little over a year and now I'm unemployed again. Most of my troubles stem from inappropriate bipolar reactions to stressful situations. I shoot myself in the foot most of the time. Anyway, if it weren't for my Dad, I'd be out on the street too and I'm 38 years old. I just keep telling myself that leaning on my parent is going to help me build a future for myself. It's just something I need right now.
As for making friends, I cant manage that either. I think I've made a friend only to discover that he/she is a liar and doesn't mean anything they say. I'm not sure that having friends is all it's cracked up to be anyway.
Sounds like you didn't do anything terrible at the vegetarian meet up. Not like we all haven't been tongue-tied at a social gathering. I'm sure no one noticed but you.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're under a tremendous amount of stress IMO, with working on your degree and working and just living your life. I say "Way to Go" for managing all that.
Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:46:15
In reply to Re: I need help in life, posted by Fivefires on February 3, 2008, at 13:37:37
Thanks Fivefires. I'm not really suffering too much. I avoid the things that scare me and that seems to help. I'm not sure if that's the way to go about things though.
Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:57:47
In reply to There's another way to see it...., posted by Racer on February 3, 2008, at 13:39:11
Thanks Racer.
I think I can probably learn to do some things independently while at home. I pay for Internet and cell phone. I don't really cook. I should learn to do that.
I have to save up money for the future too. I need to learn to manage my money. I think tomorrow I'll go to the bank to set up some sort of savings account. Right now I spend too much on miscellaneous stuff and buy food too often. My account has not grown in the past few months.
Posted by Kath on February 3, 2008, at 17:13:20
In reply to Re: I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:05:57
Baby steps Deneb! Have you seen the movie What About Bob? It's definitely worth seeing - with Bill Murray.
Anyhow, so - what if you start SMALL, by getting your Mom to help you learn how to cook; do laundry; plan meals; shop, etc. There's nothing wrong with not knowing these things.
How old are you Deneb? I'm sorry, but I can't remember.
Please try to stop comparing yourself to other people. It is SO counter-productive. If I compare myself to other people, my self-talk would be "oh great! Their late-teen, or early-twenty kids are going to college or university, or getting engaged...mine is brain-damaged from using too many drugs, is what is his future?" That isn't the LEAST bit positive or productive for me to do...so I CAN'T compare myself to others, - or if I do, I have to try to stop it!
Deneb - Believe me - you are doing SO much better than a year ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So you ARE improving in your life. You truly are.
If a mountain-climber is training, it makes no sense for them to look at a Mount Everest mountain climber. I'd say, look at yourself as YOU. You probably have qualities that your friends don't.....everyone is different. Being a good, caring person is, to my mind, more important than having your own home with 2 garages. And I see you as a good & caring person & sensitive (which you either have or you don't!! & although it can be painful to be sensitive, I think it's a very special thing & I DO see you as sensitive.
I've seen you developing over the past year (at least) & I think you have a right to be very proud of how you're doing.
I send you proud-of-you hugs, luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on February 3, 2008, at 17:22:38
In reply to Re: There's another way to see it...., posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 13:57:47
See, Deneb - listen to you!!!! Read what you've said below!
You're going to be just fine!!! I think that you need positive support & you certainly can get that here!
You have done a lot of positive things for yourself & look how you accept ideas & find ways that they might work for you!
Just be gentle with yourself & don't compare yourself with others. There will ALWAYS be others who are doing "better" than any of us! (Or at least on the surface...we don't know what their bank account looks like, or how they feel when they wake up in the morning....everything can LOOK great, but might not be!)
Anyway, YAY for you!!!!!!!
much love, Kath
PS - I think it might be very difficult to live alone on $800/mo. Maybe if you shared a place, but maybe get some good skills under your belt first & some money in the bank. I always say that it's good to have at LEAST a month's rent in the bank with some extra just in case, if you can.
xoxo K
> I think I can probably learn to do some things independently while at home. I pay for Internet and cell phone. I don't really cook. I should learn to do that.
>
> I have to save up money for the future too. I need to learn to manage my money. I think tomorrow I'll go to the bank to set up some sort of savings account. Right now I spend too much on miscellaneous stuff and buy food too often. My account has not grown in the past few months.
>
>
Posted by Phillipa on February 3, 2008, at 21:07:32
In reply to Re: There's another way to see it.... » Deneb, posted by Kath on February 3, 2008, at 17:22:38
Deneb anyone with a bright mind like yours and your knowledge is awesome will be very wealthy one day or spouse if you chose that route will be. And if it makes you feel any better gave up cooking when went to work I hate to cook. So I don't it's healthy choice for me. Phillipa
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on February 3, 2008, at 23:03:06
In reply to I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 3, 2008, at 11:40:26
Deneb...
I believe I am a fair bit older then you, I am 38, and I live at home with my folks. I know of many people in their 30s who do as well. Its not just anybodys fault, its the economy and politicians fault. They havent created enough good paying jobs; havent raised the minimum wage enough; and dont give people with little experience a chance. Back in the 70s and early 80s, people could get well-paying jobs easy enough without much education or experience. These same people are now the boses, employers, and politicians who tell young people they have to tighten their belt.
Anyhow, many of the people who I know who got married 10 years ago are now divorced. Besides, the stats show that people these days are not getting married until they get older for economic reasons. I REALLY cant stand these parents these days who think they have to boot their kids out of the house at 18, 19, 20, and thats it! My sister and her husband charge her kids, my Niece and nephews, rent, and they are only between 18 and 24. My Niece is 24, unemployed (trying hard to find a job). The thing is, my sister never, ever had to pay a dime of rent when she lived at home with my parents! My Mom and Dad are really pi*sed at her for being like that. Many generations ago, extended families lived together in one big house. Everybody looked after each other. Then we turned to the yuppieish ma and pa and 2.4 kids family, and its been downhill since. Families where made to stick together, to survive as a unit! Not here in North America, I guess!
Anyhow, you just enjoy your life, your time at home, and it will all fall into place as it comes along later. Forget the keeping up with the Jonses stuff. We put way too much emphasis on me me me me me me me.when we should be operating as an us.a family.
Best.and take care
Jay
Posted by Phillipa on February 3, 2008, at 23:31:40
In reply to The BEST way to see it... » Deneb, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on February 3, 2008, at 23:03:06
Yup I was pregnant at l8 and got married moved into a house my Dad had been left by my Mother and had three kids before 27. Then tubed tied. My oldest is only l9 years younger than me. She's the more more more generation as there is no toy her and her husband don't have no kids. But they both work very hard for them. Traveling to work in distant countries . So much stress. I was the Donna Reed generation stayed home and raised kids then went to work and school graduated from nursing school age 38. Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on February 4, 2008, at 0:51:41
In reply to Re: I need help in life » Deneb, posted by Kath on February 3, 2008, at 17:13:20
Thanks Kath!
I've never seen the move "What about Bob". I'll take note of it. ((((Bob)))) LOL I love seeing the word Bob.
I think I'll shadow my Mom when she cooks so I can learn more.
I turned 26 in December. I know, I'm old. I believe I'm very immature for my age, although I've gotten a little better.
My pdoc tells me not to compare myself to others. People shouldn't be compared. We're all different. Sometimes I don't realize this though.
Thanks for the hugs!
((((Kath))))
Posted by Deneb on February 4, 2008, at 0:58:27
In reply to The BEST way to see it... » Deneb, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on February 3, 2008, at 23:03:06
Thanks Jay!
I'm pretty lucky, my parents would never kick me out. We are a tight family. We help each other out. Our family used to live with my aunt's family when we first came to Canada. Then we were also living with my grandparents. We had the whole extended family thing going on for a long time.
I love my family. ((((family))))
Posted by Racer on February 4, 2008, at 9:45:24
In reply to Re: I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 4, 2008, at 0:51:41
>
>
> I turned 26 in December. I know, I'm old. I believe I'm very immature for my age, although I've gotten a little better.
>
First off, if being 26 makes you old, I'm not sure what I should describe myself as -- for reference, if not for my first miscarriage, my first born would be older than you are by a couple of years. And while I do sometimes refer to myself as old, I most often refer to myself as middle aged. That's bad enough.I took my mother to a party a few years back. Many of the people there were roughly her age -- all people I'd known since childhood, age eight or nine -- and Mother was nervous about seeing them all. When we left, I said, "Well, if it makes you feel any better, all of them looked at least ten years older than you do -- even So'N'So and she's had work done!" My sweet mother snapped at me, "Well, there are some benefits to immaturity!"
Just remember that, Deneb: there are benefits to immaturity. If you find yourself feeling immature, remember there are benefits.
Posted by Kath on February 4, 2008, at 10:43:21
In reply to Re: I need help in life, posted by Deneb on February 4, 2008, at 0:51:41
thx for the hugs Deneb, I can always use them!
I think we'd do well to keep Nature in mind - for example, say flowers.....pink roses on a vine are all different!! If we looked carefully at them, each would be different. I agree with your doc.
luv, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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