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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kath on June 11, 2007, at 9:50:00
I feel SO messed up.
Three guesses what it's about! :-)
Yup - my son! His landlady sold some properties & he has to be out by the end of July. He decided he would leave by the end of June. Originally was really 'proactive' about looking for a place, but when he found out that his Disability pension only allowed him to spend about $430/mo on rent it really threw him.
The only option is a room unless he could get a friend to share an apt, but there aren't many options in that area. His friends are messed up too; some don't work; some live at home.SOOO he has decided he'll live on the street....his plan is to pitch his tent in some 'dry' underpass under the road (where he says they used to go to smoke weed).
He's been on the street before & I get SO upset each time.
I'm really stressed. All these various thoughts/worries go through my head & each time my stomach clenches. THAT hasn't happened to me for decades.
I'm attending Nar-Anon meetings, but I am feeling SO upset. Hubby & I were just away for a week at a lovely little cottage, with a pretty flower garden...the surrounding area (Bruce Penninsula, Ontario, Canada) had hundreds of yellow Lady Slipper orchids all along the country roads & the scenery along the water is wonderful but it was really hard for me to enjoy & be relaxed 'cuz I had this NAGGING worry inside me.
I could use support. Lately each time a 'crisis' happens I feel like I have LESS reserves to cope with it. Sometimes I feel like 'how can I go on, when I know this isn't going to end & is only going to get worse?'
:-(( Kath
Posted by scratchpad on June 11, 2007, at 12:27:30
In reply to I am feeling so scared, posted by Kath on June 11, 2007, at 9:50:00
((((Kath)))) I'm sorry that your son's solutions to his housing problems are problems in themselves. Does it ring true to you that he's not able to find an appropriate roommate? or that accepting a room instead of an apartment is not as good as living in a tent?
It kind of sounds to me like he isn't accepting this new reality that his disability pension has created. For me a room somewhere would be a better option than pitching a tent.
This is his decision, though, and his alone. As poor a choice as this appears to be, my take is that in a round-about way he's been wanting to get back to the familiar "people and places" where he used to use.I'm glad that you went away (the Bruce is such a gorgeous area!) and it's perfectly understandable that you were distracted from the beauty. Keep putting yourself in places where the beauty of nature confronts you. Keep stopping on your walks to look around and notice the wonderful perfection of the world around us. Keep reminding yourself that such beauty and perfection can exist in our imperfect world.
more hugs to you,
Scratchpad
Posted by TexasChic on June 11, 2007, at 20:27:51
In reply to Re: I am feeling so scared » Kath, posted by scratchpad on June 11, 2007, at 12:27:30
Like scratchpad reminded me in my thread, we can't control how our family chooses to behave. I know you can't not worry, but try to take your mind off it now and then. You deserve that.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on June 11, 2007, at 21:49:06
In reply to Re: I am feeling so scared, posted by TexasChic on June 11, 2007, at 20:27:51
Kath time for another vacation. Your Son will do what he wants like mine did if only I always say but doesn't every parent? keep going to the groups. Love Jan
Posted by Sigismund on June 12, 2007, at 3:47:06
In reply to Re: I am feeling so scared, posted by Phillipa on June 11, 2007, at 21:49:06
I don't know, Kath. I suppose it will tear you apart.
I couldn't stand to have a kid of mine living on the street, and wouldn't like him to use the threat of it against me either.
I don't see what you can do about it. And how can you live with it?If it was my kid, I would say something like this to him.
Posted by Sigismund on June 12, 2007, at 3:48:15
In reply to Re: I am feeling so scared........... Kath, posted by Sigismund on June 12, 2007, at 3:47:06
Maybe
Posted by Kath on June 12, 2007, at 9:55:03
In reply to Re: I am feeling so scared » Kath, posted by scratchpad on June 11, 2007, at 12:27:30
> ((((Kath)))) I'm sorry that your son's solutions to his housing problems are problems in themselves. Does it ring true to you that he's not able to find an appropriate roommate? or that accepting a room instead of an apartment is not as good as living in a tent?
*********Hi Scratchpad - thx for your support. You're SO diplomatic!!! It rings true to me that none of he probably can't find an appropriate roommate among his friends because most live at home & don't seem to be interested in going out on their own. Some are still in school & some don't have jobs.
The part about living on the street rather than get a room just boggles my mind! He has always been a person who will get a thought in his mind & be immovable on it, & he's even worse since the substance-induced psychosis. He sort of isn't the same person (sort of different personality in a way) that he was. It's really distressing. I can't get over the fact that he'd rather choose the street!*****> It kind of sounds to me like he isn't accepting this new reality that his disability pension has created. For me a room somewhere would be a better option than pitching a tent.
*******Yeah. I agree totally.******
> This is his decision, though, and his alone. As poor a choice as this appears to be, my take is that in a round-about way he's been wanting to get back to the familiar "people and places" where he used to use.*****Well, he's actually hanging out with all his same old friends & drinks daily & has been using cocaine at least sometimes. It's really horrible for me to know these things. Yet he says his life is ruined. He's REALLY depressed about his girlfriend (of 3 years) leaving him. He says she was his 'life' & now his life is gone. He doesn't seem to have the least thought of trying to go forward positively right now. He's said that all that 'works'for him is to hang out with friends & to numb himself with alcohol or drugs. I guess it's a positive in that at least he realizes he's numbing his feelings. I dunno.****
>
> I'm glad that you went away (the Bruce is such a gorgeous area!) and it's perfectly understandable that you were distracted from the beauty. Keep putting yourself in places where the beauty of nature confronts you. Keep stopping on your walks to look around and notice the wonderful perfection of the world around us. Keep reminding yourself that such beauty and perfection can exist in our imperfect world.*******Thanks. Those are good suggestions. I go away for "Kath's week away" soon, camping at Killbear Provincial Park. I'm looking forward to it in a way, but the thought of preparing is overwhelming & so often lately my stomach goes tight due to anxiety.
I haven't had that happen for years.
I really appreciate your caring.
Thanks so much, & of course hugs are ALWAYS welcome!!! luv, Kath> more hugs to you,
> Scratchpad
Posted by Kath on June 12, 2007, at 9:56:07
In reply to Re: I am feeling so scared, posted by Phillipa on June 11, 2007, at 21:49:06
Thanks for all your replies.
Don't have time to reply to all right now; will later though.
It helps me to hear from you; don't feel so alone.
Kath
Posted by Kath on June 13, 2007, at 15:10:54
In reply to To all......thanks!, posted by Kath on June 12, 2007, at 9:56:07
Once again, I appreciate your replies.
So much widsom - yes - he will do what he will do; I have no control over it, etc. Those things are always true & always good to be reminded of.
The BIG fear of him living on the street might not turn into reality, thank God. Over the past years our home has had a 'revolving door'. He'd live here, not abide by the requirements to continue living here, not do anthing to prepare for NOT living here, have nowhere to go, be OUT, and finally, us (son, hubby & I) negotiating a return - due to whatever circumstance (the only one I can remember is him being in hospital with kidney problems & the doctor sort of begging us to take him back).
At the 12-step meetings they say, 'nothing changes if nothing changes' & I can't go through those same 'dance steps' yet again. Apart from anything else, reasons for him not living here again are:
- he smokes like a chimney & stinks of smoke & it causes health problems in both myself & husband.- he continues to drink & use drugs even while taking anti-psychotic meds due to psychosis most probably CAUSED from drugs.
- don't know if he is right now, but periodically is involved in selling at least weed.
Part of me tends to feel MEAN & a horrible Mom for not rescuing him from living on the street. In a couple or few years hubby & I will be retiring & moving away. We won't be here to rescue him. It's better if he learns to not rely on us now. His worker also said that she didn't see him living with us as an option (that helps me to not feel as awful about it)
I don't know HOW I'd be able to live with it yet again, but thankfully, a friend who I didn't think of has 'surfaced'. He's living with my son & his roommate so he's also looking for a place for the end of June. He has 2 jobs & is planning to go to school in the Fall, so he's more stable than either of the others. This friend mentioned getting a place with the other roommate. He didn't mention my son though, so I wondered about that. When I asked my son about it, he said that his roommate knows that he wants to live with them also. The good thing is that my son wants to!! I was wondering if he was seeing living on the streets as a way of having more money for 'recreation'!! Happily it seems that's not the case.
I now have to just relax & silence my worry of "oh jeez, maybe they don't want my son to live with them" - which was the worry that my mind very unkindly generated!!I went today to a counsellor provided by my husband's work Employee Assistance Plan & she's GREAT. I'd been to her before.
I want you all to know I am feeling SO much better. Not all panicky like I was.
Big sigh of relief.
hugs to ALL of you, Kath
Posted by zenhussy on June 13, 2007, at 18:28:16
In reply to Re: To all............, posted by Kath on June 13, 2007, at 15:10:54
Posted by Kath on June 17, 2007, at 17:22:42
In reply to u r not mean n horrible mom! u r STRONG LOVING mom (nm) » Kath, posted by zenhussy on June 13, 2007, at 18:28:16
Posted by muffled on June 17, 2007, at 23:30:39
In reply to To all......thanks!, posted by Kath on June 12, 2007, at 9:56:07
Y'know, living outside in summer is not so bad so longs your son keeps himself to himself and is careful. Maybe you could get him a bus pass so he can ride busses on bad days, and/or stay further away from town in a nicer place in a bush somewhere.
Guess it comes down to what he chooses to do with himself whether he living outside or in an apt.
I'd rather be in the street than in a shelter, or sharing with another with probs.
I lived in a car for a bit. It was pretty good actually. I still would choose to live in car rather than in a room or sharing (if I was alone that is, of course I got kids).
Even with kids I think I would still choose to live in a car than live in certain neighborhoods....
So i can't imagine how this all feels to you, all this stuff with your son. God it must hurt. But I hope you can set him free and be at peace that you have done all that you can. I think you a fantstic mom too.
Take care of yourself.
Muffled
Posted by Kath on June 18, 2007, at 15:30:36
In reply to Re: To all......thanks! » Kath, posted by muffled on June 17, 2007, at 23:30:39
Thanks Muffled,
I'm reading Echkart Tolle - Stillness Speaks & wow, it is actually helping me to detach!! well, somewhat - more than I thought I could.
He's now staying where he is 'til the end of July & he, roommate & their friend plan to share.
SIGH of relief. It's hard to let go, but let go I must, since he chooses such a different life.
I truly hope that at some point he chooses to seek help to heal from his addiction.
Thx very much for your support.
How are you doing?
luv, Kath
PS - how many kids? ages?
Posted by muffled on June 18, 2007, at 15:51:12
In reply to Re: To all......thanks! » muffled, posted by Kath on June 18, 2007, at 15:30:36
Girl 8 boy 10.
Both good kids so far.
I have already shown them drug addicts that are way wacked, so they can know its a bad thing.
Alcohol addiction is a nightmare I still fight now and again in myownself.(mental battles, I dry long time so far)
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Kath on June 18, 2007, at 20:49:35
In reply to Re: To all......thanks! » Kath, posted by muffled on June 18, 2007, at 15:51:12
Congrats on nice kids/dry time & generally seeming like a very nice person.
hugs, Kath
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