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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by notfred on November 11, 2006, at 4:21:22
Cat Bathing As a Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed.They say cats lick themselves clean. Supposedly cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I, too, have spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a Meowmie must simply face reality, when she must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce, "You, my darling furkid, smell like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub.
Know that although your cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with your furbaby and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions!)
Remember that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. But you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.
Draw the water. Place the bottle of kitty shampoo inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and squirt him with shampoo. You have just begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (By the way, the national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. Why? Because the cat is now semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel, and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. (Be aware - some cats have the ability to jump from the bathtub up to the top of the shower enclosure and then to the floor. Just thought you might like to know.)
In a few days, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now, he smells a lot better.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 11, 2006, at 6:22:57
In reply to Warning, Cats have no handles, posted by notfred on November 11, 2006, at 4:21:22
Simply, the best cat washing instructions ever written.
Thanks for posting it!
CS
Posted by Gabbi~G~ on November 11, 2006, at 11:37:48
In reply to Warning, Cats have no handles, posted by notfred on November 11, 2006, at 4:21:22
That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, especially because it's hardly an exaggeration!
I learned that lesson years ago, after bathing my cat, and then having him using my arm and the shower curtain for traction, shoot out of the bathroom run straight into his litterbox,
which was filled with *sigh* clay.. kitty litter.
Posted by Phillipa on November 11, 2006, at 11:45:02
In reply to Re: Warning, Cats have no handles » notfred, posted by Gabbi~G~ on November 11, 2006, at 11:37:48
I think having an indoor cat has solved the problem for me as once I tried to bathe a cat never again. Fred you are a brave soul. And thanks for the instuctions completely written out. Love Jan
Posted by Poet on November 11, 2006, at 12:09:08
In reply to Warning, Cats have no handles, posted by notfred on November 11, 2006, at 4:21:22
Thank you Notfred, I feel better prepared in the event of an emergency cat bath situation. I don't have a glass enclosed tub, so I may have to resort to bunge cords to keep the cat in the tub. I'm afraid duct tape would stick to the fur, and I'd end up with a clean, but bald cat. Though that would solve that hairball issue.
Poet
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 13:46:31
In reply to Re: Warning, Cats have no handles, posted by Poet on November 11, 2006, at 12:09:08
We bathe our cat about once a month. takes two people. she's front declawed. struggles for about a minute, but then adopts this attitude of learned helplessness. as long as there is a firm hand on her, and she sees no opportunity for escape, she will stay put.
2 latherings, creamy conditioner.
she gets bathed because she gets dandruff and matts.
then she gets blowdried- she walks around the bathroom floor dripping and we aim the hair dryer at her. she is grumpy, but at least really warm during this part. now the entire tub drain and bathroom floor is covered with huge lumps of wet cat fuzz. gross! after the cat is reasonably dry, we let her go. then we have to pour sulfuric acid down the tub drain to dissolve the pound of cat fuzz that is preventing it from draining.
ugh. takes an hour get lots of scratches (back claws) and i'm allergic to cats, so by this time I'm covered in red welts and ready to pass out from the preventative benedryl double dose.
lately we pay the groomer 50 bucks. every 3 mos cat gets a bath and a lion cut. now we're all happier.
-Li
notfred, that's the funniest story ever- you should submit it for publication!
Posted by TexasChic on November 11, 2006, at 18:54:28
In reply to Re: Warning, Cats have no handles » Poet, posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 13:46:31
> notfred, that's the funniest story ever- you should submit it for publication!
Totally! That was awesome!
-T
(See, it was so great that I just reverted back to the 80's).
Posted by tootercat on November 14, 2006, at 17:07:30
In reply to Warning, Cats have no handles, posted by notfred on November 11, 2006, at 4:21:22
OMG! Notfred I nearly had an "accident" reading this! You truly should submit this this to a cat magazine. I had to bathe my darling Lucy a few years ago when she had ringworm. My battle uniform consisted of a set of clothes under a set of orange denim coveralls, heavy rubber gloves, and boots. Fortunately for me once my baby got wet she clung to the front of me in terror (she still thought of me as her safety net) and I was able to shampoo/rinse and then gently pry her claws from the coveralls in order to dry her. Not something I ever hope to repeat as it sent both of us to therapy....
Hugs,
Pam
Posted by 10derHeart on November 16, 2006, at 11:43:59
In reply to Warning, Cats have no handles, posted by notfred on November 11, 2006, at 4:21:22
OMgoodness...that was so freakin' hilarious!!!
I nearly spit Diet Pepsi through my nose..not good as I'm in a college library!!!
Thanks for that, nf.
This is the end of the thread.
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