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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 20:57:41
I'm afraid.
When I told my PCP I was feeling better and off an AD, he got upset!?
Everyone IRL is 'used to me being depressed', and undoing all that 'programming' isn't/can't be easy.
I'm afraid of losing SSD as it pays for my housing and my job has been replaced by voice recognition software.
I'm afraid to recover and lose the support you all have given me.
Something's changing in me. I feel it. Maybe I'm all wrong and a month from now I'll be back on an AD. But maybe I'm right and there are 'some really good things' finally coming into my life or I am going to bring into my life.
I'm a real drama queen and passionate-to-a-fault, but right now I'm not looking for your attention and won't sit by the computer and wait. You all don't need to hurry respond. I'm not going to hurt myself.
I think maybe I'm going to help myself. Maybe I'm going to take a risk. Not tonight or probably tomorrow. But it feels like something's at work in this wild-n-crazy brain of mine.
Recent IRL abuse has shaken my footage a bit, but before that, and still now, I'm feeling good about crying and that's a new feeling! And, I'm feeling a lot of humor coming out of me and at me. Watching comedies wasn't my thing for years as I couldn't identify anymore. I was more comfortable watching a drama. I wouldn't even watch Roseann because it reminded me of the home and family I once had (I know what you're thinking ... wow what a family! ha!). But now, I like, for example ... Rescue Me on FX! It cracks me up! I feel good and am really laughing. I'm actually checking the comedy channel to see what's on. I'm sitting here alone laughing loudly!
I'm a young old woman. I don't look my age, but even more I don't act my age. A few days ago my daughter said 'Mom you're acting like a 12y/o!'. And, I was. And, I didn't care.
It feels like there is going to be a 'lift off' that has been a long time coming.
I've been grieving sooo many years. Recovering is totally frightening! But after sooo many years ... if I have a chance ... you'll still be here; I think you will. (Or, is this the beginning of another strand. Would I be restricted to that strand only? I'm kidding ;)
love, cf
Posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2006, at 21:10:18
In reply to I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 20:57:41
I don't have it in me to say much more than I think I get it. It's a weird conflict, isn't it? Still, I hope you keep moving along that path to wellness in spite of the conflicts and fears. We'll still love you even when you're doing better.
But I get the conflict. I so feel like throwing a two-year old tantrum right now due to some stuff IRL. What's worse, I recognize that I want to. I even almost crave it. And I definitely don't want to try to express what I'm feeling in a more mature way. At best I'm just inhibiting the tantrum for the moment.
And I'm 40.
Sometimes we have to honor that younger part of ourselves, I think.
Take care and sorry to make this about me.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2006, at 22:19:31
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2006, at 21:10:18
I get you too. The familiar is more comfortable than the unknown. It doesn't matter if the unknown has the potential to be dramatically better, its still the unknown.
-T
Posted by Jost on August 4, 2006, at 22:33:50
In reply to I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 20:57:41
That's terrific, corafree!
Makes me smile.
I'm sure you'll have those days-- but sounds as if you've made great changes-- and will continue--
I've done the same this year, and had similar doubts-- will the one or two people I'm close to remember I"m there, or pressure me to do things I'm not ready to do-- then be angry if I'm not-- or will it be discouraging, when I realize there's more to do-- or fall into old patterns.
Being depressed is such an identity,a way of processing experiences- but there are others, that can still be discovered.
That's always something I'll want to hear about from you.
Jost
Posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 23:25:29
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2006, at 21:10:18
Yeah, it is a weird conflict.
There have been times I've acted on these sort of feelings welling up inside me and, 'though awkward', from them, good things have come.
It's been so long since I've been brave enough to take any risk.
tks, cf
Posted by Tabitha on August 5, 2006, at 0:20:40
In reply to I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 20:57:41
Congratulations on your growth. I predict that once you start noticing all the rewards of feeling and functioning better, you won't miss your old self one bit.
Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 1:04:11
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 23:25:29
that is great that you are doing better :-)
and great that you are feeling better :-)
you do deserve it, you know.we will still be here. i imagine you will have good times and bad times. sometimes getting better can be about the bad times coming farther apart and being less intense. enjoy the good times!
and we will still be here :-)
you can come and cheer us up if you like :-)
Posted by llrrrpp on August 5, 2006, at 17:31:02
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » corafree, posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 1:04:11
Corafree,
the mere fact that you recognize the conflict is a good sign, because it means that you can differentiate between feeling healthy and feeling poorly. and when you can recognize these different possibilities, you are in a better place to make a choice to feel healthy. you may not make the choice always, and you may have bad days and wonder what youre missing by choosing a certain path. eventually, your appetite for feeling poorly might shrink and shrink, until you are no longer seeking the unhappy states of mind. then you will be in good shape. you can transition to showing babble what you have learned, and helping others on their own paths towards wellness. thats a nice thing to look forward to, i hope?best to you,
-ll
Posted by Phillipa on August 5, 2006, at 21:54:12
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2006, at 22:19:31
T you're right. I had a pdoc that was very good say that to me in reguards to my ex. My new husband treated like a queen. I was awful to him. My pdoc said you're not comfortable having someone treat you well. Love phillipa
Posted by corafree on August 6, 2006, at 13:16:32
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by llrrrpp on August 5, 2006, at 17:31:02
I don't think 'I actually did anything' to bring this feeling about. Maybe ... I sort of do a lot of 'self talk', sort of 'meditate', say things to myself that I truly feel, then start to believe, and finally, hopefully, behave in the way that I truly feel.
Not sure that's understandable. Dang it's hot here! The heat, the war, the people scrambling about, ... I'm trying to stay out of it (Tho' I tend to wonder if I am guilty of something like 'lieing by omission'!?) and sum it up in my mind. I see small conflicts in my life and compare them to the large ones in our world, and ask myself what I would do to help our world, and then that would apply to my helping myself.
StillWacko,cf
Posted by TexasChic on August 7, 2006, at 20:07:13
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by corafree on August 6, 2006, at 13:16:32
One thing I've learned through babble is how much more sensitive people like us are. I know, duh! But, maybe we have problems like we do because we are just so much more in touch with the feelings of others. Maybe this is a strength or an inate ability that we should be proud of. We just have to figure out how to turn it off so it doesn't hurt us. I don't know, just some musings on my part.
-T
Posted by corafree on August 10, 2006, at 0:41:30
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » corafree, posted by TexasChic on August 7, 2006, at 20:07:13
<But, maybe we have problems like we do because we are just so much more in touch with the feelings of others. Maybe this is a strength or an inate ability that we should be proud of. We just have to figure out how to turn it off so it doesn't hurt us.>
Yep. Rebuilding a life w/o loved ones who deserted me because I was depressing to be around or difficult to console, is hard. I'm all alone.
I've always loved 'passionately' and how do I FORGIVE for 'bailing on me when I needed them the most'.
While they've nearly paid off the mortgage on their home, bought an RV, and built up savings, I've been 'standing still' wishing for a hand. How do I forgive them?
Many aren't interested in my love or friendship anymore. They've moved on somewhere I'm not.
So far, those here, are curious ... expressions on there faces look like they're thinking 'oh now she's psychotic and thinks she's all better'.
If I'm happy, they think I've gone 'over some edge' and are reluctant to join me in it. I've seen and felt it. I will behave in a funny/positive way. They misunderstanding due to having developed a preconceived idea of me.
Sorry; repeating myself.
Anyway, 'trying to communicate w/ those I love that are still in my life', in a new way, and being understood, isn't happening.
I have to explain. (They look at me like 'yeah right?'. It hurts.)
Feels like you take a step back.
The journey back feels insurmountable.
I'm less 'physically fit'.
Strength is being called upon big time.
tks, cf
Posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2006, at 19:35:55
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » TexasChic, posted by corafree on August 10, 2006, at 0:41:30
You know, you're talking about a subject I've been giving alot of thought to lately. What I seem to keep coming back to over and over again is that no one OWES me ANYTHING! I have the same grudges at people who I feel deserted me in my time of need. But the thing is, it was never THEIR problem, it was mine! How can I hold them responsible for my problems? I mean, these people aren't therapists, they don't know what to do to help a depressed person. So they back off to more familiar and safer territory. Its really quite understandable.
Of course, then you start thinking, "Well after all I did for them they couldn't stick by me???" But apparently it doesn't work that way. Its still a hard thing for me to wrap my head around, but I am aware that it is something I need to learn.
I hope this didn't come off as preachy to you or anything. Its just that I'm beginning to discover that expecting too much from people is the reason behind some of my biggest problems! So I thought I'd share. I hope it came out right.
-T
Posted by corafree on August 15, 2006, at 1:11:38
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all » corafree, posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2006, at 19:35:55
It's my problem, not theirs. That's true, but I did not deliberately bring this upon myself. I would describe it as an illness or an unfortunate situation.
I wonder if we should forgive people for saying no when we ask for their help.
I struggle w/ this a lot, and a lot now.
I wanted 'to go back home' so called a day before yesterday. I live 1000m away. Haven't been back since my fa*her passed away.
Years ago I had asked one of my sisters, 'if he passed away, could I come stay at your house' and she said yes.
But, now she says 'My husband and I value our privacy too much. You could only stay for a weekened'.
I'm hurt and angry.
I know I would not respond this way to a sibling of mine that was 'alone and nearly poverty stricken and asking for my companionship', if I had a home, partner, and as much security as she (My mo*her made her manager of her store.).
Ya' think I'm wrong to be angry. There is a web site called something like ... wingsofmadness and it tells you 'what helps' and 'what hurts' someone in some form of pain.
I don't know what to do w/ these angry feelings. I tell myself these people are not worth a second thought. I wonder if that's fair. It's the only thing that seems to ease the pain. I feel 'unworthy' to be a guest at her home. Makes me sad. Yes, 'I've given of myself to her in the past'.
My father taught me, by example, 'to care for family in need'. When he passed, that stopped. My mot*her and siblings collectively began a business w/o any place for me. They will not speak w/ me by phone as say they are 'too busy'. Will only correspond via email.
My girls have told me 'have no further contact w/ them as it only hurts you'.
(My email isn't working well; no one to help. Getting double everything and my virus protection is screwed up. Large files won't download. = reason for slow followup. Sorry.)
Still on no AD as it seems I acted upon suicidal ideation when on ADs, and now I am able to self-talk myself away from such thoughts.
love, cf
Posted by Kath on August 20, 2006, at 19:26:25
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of recovery and losing you all, posted by corafree on August 15, 2006, at 1:11:38
Hi Cora,
Back a week from holiday & just checking in now.
Honey, I think your daughter is right. I know you want it to be alright with your family, but it sounds like they're showed you over & over how they will think & speak & behave.
You asked what to do with the anger.
I'll tell you what has helped me in the past.
There are different things....
- write a letter to each of your family (by hand or on computer). Say EXACTLY what you'd like to say to them if there would be no repercussions. The secret here is that they are never going to see the letter - so you can say exactly what you need to get off your chest & out of your head!! Say whatEVER you need to say now & whatever you wish you could have said ever to them. Next, read it over a few times. Now, put it into an envelope. Seal the envelope. Put their first name on it (in the case with my Dad - who had been dead for years, I was only 'brave' enough to put his initials on the envelope!!!!) OK - now take the envelope to the mailbox, open the box & put the envelope into it!!!!! In my case, I could not believe how this made me feel!!! It felt like I had actually SAID those things to my Dad.
- another thing you can do is go somewhere outside where nobody will see you, hear you or bother you. Choose a tree & let it be whoever you need it to be & tell him/her whatever you need to. Swear, rant - whatever you need to do. This is another great way of actually getting that stuff out of you!!!! It's sort of like lancing a boil to let the poison out.
I think stuff tends to mill around in our minds - things we need to say to people who hurt us in the past or are hurting us now. Often it would serve absolutely no purpose to confront those people - it might even be more harmful to us - but that doesn't mean we don't still need to do it in some form.
I send you biggie fattie hugs, luv Kath
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