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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maynerd on January 10, 2006, at 20:26:44
I hate sharing the deepest parts of myself because of so many past experiences, but with all the wonderful people in here I feel at least somewhat safe. As many may know I got in a little trouble at school around turkey day, the aftermath I am still having to deal with. A part of the repair is that I have to take and pass two drug tests to get my academic 'rights' and financial aid reinstated. This is no problem as I am used to jumping through hoops to get what I want or need in this life if it is important to me. To get this done as rapidly as possible I quit smoking pot completely and on the advice of various people started taking niacin to flush the THC out of my system quicker. While I cannot confirm it for sure, I have a suspicion that the niacin somehow messed with the med levels in my blood because I have been slowly spiralling down into sadness and depression like I haven't experienced since I started taking them steadily. To make it even worse my best friend in the world had a close relative who was killed which has created total chaos in her family, so she has been at home dealing with all that. I totally understand but I really do miss having her around to share with.
I don't know what to do anymore, I wander around because I don't have the energy or desire to put on the 'everything is great' face for people right now. I can't focus on my school work even though there is so much to do. When my roomate is away I sit at my computer and read the various posts here even though many of the stir up the emotional storm inside me again. I know I should take a break when I feelthis way but I can't; reading them makes me sad but sort of eases the hopeless loneliness gripping my heart. The only thing that is going right for me is that it is raining, I walk around in it so nobody can tell that I am crying. I don't know why I start crying. I can hear my step father in my head, "Real men don't cry". I can hear myself answering "then I am not a real man", but still I feel ashamed sometimes. I quit taking the niacin this morning but I don't know how long it will be until this goes away. I miss not having this crud in my head. I sit and look at my uncle who is so calm and stable and I am envious, I wish I could be like that sometimes. I don't know what I want with this post, I know that I am the only one that can fix it by being patient and continuing to take the meds. It does feel good to not hide my feelings deep inside, thank you for allowing me to expose myself a little bit.
Posted by James K on January 10, 2006, at 22:24:04
In reply to sliding into the emotional mud *triggers*, posted by Maynerd on January 10, 2006, at 20:26:44
Hey, I'm sorry to hear you are so down. I don't know the trouble you got into, but it's not important to this. I also can't tell anything about the niacin, that's way out of my territory.
I just wanted to say maybe you should take it easy on yourself. Having extra stressors besides the normal ones of school is going to be hard. This place hasn't been a barrel of laughs just lately either.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but sometimes when I feel sinking, people remind me I don't have to be perfect.
and I've heard that getting somewhere private and crying your eyes out can be cleansing. I'm too much of a real man to find out.
Hang in there,
James K
Posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2006, at 22:26:05
In reply to sliding into the emotional mud *triggers*, posted by Maynerd on January 10, 2006, at 20:26:44
If you were smoking pot regularly and have now stopped, you might need to have your meds adjusted. Can you talk to a pdoc?
Posted by wildcard on January 10, 2006, at 22:26:33
In reply to sliding into the emotional mud *triggers*, posted by Maynerd on January 10, 2006, at 20:26:44
I understand and I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Something you said reminded me of 'The Mask' on writing...Just keep telling yourself that when you're at the bottom you can only go up. Hang in there as you have so many wonderful things to offer. I'm always here.
Posted by ghostshadow on January 11, 2006, at 1:53:08
In reply to sliding into the emotional mud *triggers*, posted by Maynerd on January 10, 2006, at 20:26:44
"real men don't cry", they keel over from heart attacks at a relatively young age or suffer from ulcers. there's nothing wrong with letting the emotions out, especially the poisonous ones.
Posted by Maynerd on January 12, 2006, at 1:25:39
In reply to Re: sliding into the emotional mud *triggers* » Maynerd, posted by ghostshadow on January 11, 2006, at 1:53:08
Thank you all for the support, I really appreciate it AND it did help. It is always good to realize we aren't all alone in the world.
Posted by wildcard on January 12, 2006, at 6:47:30
In reply to Re: sliding into the emotional mud *triggers*, posted by Maynerd on January 12, 2006, at 1:25:39
Posted by Declan on January 13, 2006, at 15:32:18
In reply to Re: sliding into the emotional mud *triggers*, posted by Maynerd on January 12, 2006, at 1:25:39
We need more good male energy of the nonaggressive, affectionate, sensitive, strong sort. There was a lot of the 'real men don't cry' stuff after the (world) wars, maybe whenever the men come home from the wars, but with it a terrible hunger for men, mainly from the children they couldn't relate to. All overgeneralisation and my opinion of course.
Declan
This is the end of the thread.
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