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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 18:20:46
Hello, I've been lurking for a short while, and recently began putting in my 2 cents worth here and there. I feel like I'm coming on like I really know something about something and I just want to clear up that all of my opinions and knowledge come from a life long history of depression and substance abuse, and a 14 year history of poor recovery. The thread on Psychobabble about stopping meds got me to thinking about how much I hate meds. and therapy.
I've been on so many different meds and quit everyone. Some have been pulled off the market for dangers. The pharmeceutical companies and the FDA in this country are corrupt and they are conducting an experiment on this whole nation and we wont know the results for many years.The problem for me is - I've really hurt myself through anger and depression. Many times, very badly. I have to do something to help myself or I'm not going to make it. I've never felt like doing anything to help myself such as - stay sober, take my meds, see a counselor. I want it all my way and I want it to work. I'm never going to voluntarily go into a psych ward again. And I'm not going to take most of this "medicine" for much longer. And I'm tired of crying about this thing and that thing.
If some people didn't care deeply about me, I wouldn't even be here today. I can't let them down so I carry on, but I have to find a way to want it for myself. I have 2 days of out-patient left in this year, then financially it is over. I'm not letting my wife pay for it anymore when I should and could be working.
So I'm somehow going to think myself well. I doubt it. All my sadness fear and confusion turn to anger. That's my way of dealing and it makes me tired and sick.
I need help, I've just never found it or been willing to work for it. I'm at a crossroads in life and it sucks.
sorry for angry tone, I'm venting online I guess
Posted by ClearSkies on December 28, 2005, at 19:24:27
In reply to How I really feel (rant), posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 18:20:46
Hello, James. You said,
"If some people didn't care deeply about me, I wouldn't even be here today."
This is such a voice of hope. That you recognize that we matter to others is key in our struggles with depression, anxiety, abuses...
I'm having a difficult time at the moment myself. Anger is the fuel that is keeping me going, and it is a mean and inefficient power source. I can feel myself burning out with every lash of my tongue.
You can't imagine how it helps me to read your words.Thanks for unlurking.
ClearSkies
Posted by Tamar on December 28, 2005, at 19:48:54
In reply to How I really feel (rant), posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 18:20:46
Hello James,
Your frustration and anger come across in your post, and I can understand that you’re angry if you feel that meds and therapy haven’t helped enough. Anger can be a strong motivating force, but it also takes up a lot of energy that you might find better directed positively rather than negatively (does that make sense?).
I think the most significant sentence in your post is:
> I have to do something to help myself or I'm not going to make it.I agree, but you have to believe you’re worth it. And I wonder if you are directing a lot of anger against yourself when in fact you have been deeply hurt and perhaps your anger would be better directed against the people or situations that have hurt you. Can you imagine that you didn’t deserve the pain you’ve suffered?
> I've never felt like doing anything to help myself such as - stay sober, take my meds, see a counselor. I want it all my way and I want it to work. I'm never going to voluntarily go into a psych ward again. And I'm not going to take most of this "medicine" for much longer. And I'm tired of crying about this thing and that thing.
It is very frustrating, isn’t it? It can take a long time, so be gentle with yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have our weaknesses, no matter how much we’d like to be superhuman.
> If some people didn't care deeply about me, I wouldn't even be here today. I can't let them down so I carry on, but I have to find a way to want it for myself. I have 2 days of out-patient left in this year, then financially it is over. I'm not letting my wife pay for it anymore when I should and could be working.
It’s great that you have people in your life who care deeply about you. I’m sure they want to support you. You say you should and could be working, but sometimes people need time to get better. And sometimes you really need to concentrate on that, so that you will be able to work once you really are well enough. Don’t minimise your illness; take it seriously.
> So I'm somehow going to think myself well. I doubt it. All my sadness fear and confusion turn to anger. That's my way of dealing and it makes me tired and sick.
Anger can feel stronger than sadness and fear. But it takes a special kind of strength of character to acknowledge your sadness and fear. You know the sadness and fear are there, so you know you have that strength of character. Good for you.
> I need help, I've just never found it or been willing to work for it. I'm at a crossroads in life and it sucks.
You need to believe that you deserve it and that you can be helped. I think perhaps you need to identify a vulnerable part of yourself that you want to take care of. If you deny your vulnerability you won’t be able to accept help. But if you can see yourself as someone who needs and deserves help, maybe you’ll be able to accept the help that’s available to you.
> sorry for angry tone, I'm venting online I guessVenting is good. Keep venting. And be kind to yourself. I hope things get easier for you.
Tamar
Posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2005, at 21:28:10
In reply to Re: How I really feel (rant) » James K, posted by Tamar on December 28, 2005, at 19:48:54
I think you've said a lot of what a lot of posters are saying in general the last few days. Anger can be a positive motivator if it is harnassed positively. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 23:02:36
In reply to Re: How I really feel (rant), posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2005, at 21:28:10
It means a lot to me that you read and gave perceptive responses to what I wrote. Tomorrow, I'll get up and go to group, and when I feel the frustration, I can remember some of the things said.
It is true that I'm hard on myself and also that I should feel my real feelings and direct my anger in the right direction. Having someone feel what I'm saying and even read between the lines accurately has helped me get my head straight tonight.
I hope I can give positive and meaningful support when the occasion arises.
Thanks, James K
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2005, at 0:52:18
In reply to Thank you all, posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 23:02:36
hey
i think medication and therapy tended to harm me more than they helped me too.
places like this are good.
though i'm struggling a lot with the 'once posted forever in the archives' idea...
but yeah...
people here have helped me more than any proff ever has.
but it is hard.
and sometimes i really feel the rage
:-(
:-(
:-(take care.
:-)
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 29, 2005, at 8:07:09
In reply to How I really feel (rant), posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 18:20:46
> I've never felt like doing anything to help myself such as - stay sober, take my meds, see a counselor. I want it all my way and I want it to work.
Hi James. A belated welcome to Babble. We've got all sorts here, and I hope you come to feel right at home amongst us.
For some reason (mainly the way my own brain works), those two sentences of your post stood out like they were backlit.
They made me wonder about expectations. Do you ever think about whether there's a contradiction or maybe a divergence built into your second sentence? Doing the same thing, but expecting different outcomes?
Lar
Posted by Declan on December 29, 2005, at 15:28:59
In reply to Re: How I really feel (rant) » James K, posted by Larry Hoover on December 29, 2005, at 8:07:09
Why is it so hard to care for ourselves? It's easier to care for others. It's not some potentially interesting thing such as we suspect we don't really exist or something is it? That sounds like a Buddhist insight. Maybe then we need to value compassion?
Declan
Posted by James K on December 29, 2005, at 16:06:16
In reply to Re: How I really feel (rant) » James K, posted by Larry Hoover on December 29, 2005, at 8:07:09
> > I've never felt like doing anything to help myself such as - stay sober, take my meds, see a counselor. I want it all my way and I want it to work.
>
> For some reason (mainly the way my own brain works), those two sentences of your post stood out like they were backlit.
>
> They made me wonder about expectations. Do you ever think about whether there's a contradiction or maybe a divergence built into your second sentence? Doing the same thing, but expecting different outcomes?
>
> LarYeah, that's what happens when I run my mouth, the truth slips out. Maybe it's about humility. If I know so much why do I repeat the same patterns? Once I determine that someone is an expert or has had sucess helping people, doing what they suggest would be a good idea. I'm working on it. I don't really believe in last chances, but it would be nice to have a last necessity. Thanks for the welcome.
James K
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 29, 2005, at 17:09:25
In reply to Re: How I really feel (rant) » Larry Hoover, posted by James K on December 29, 2005, at 16:06:16
> Yeah, that's what happens when I run my mouth, the truth slips out. Maybe it's about humility. If I know so much why do I repeat the same patterns? Once I determine that someone is an expert or has had sucess helping people, doing what they suggest would be a good idea. I'm working on it. I don't really believe in last chances, but it would be nice to have a last necessity. Thanks for the welcome.
>
> James KWorking on it is good. You never know....necessity might not enter into the equation, if you can change your pattern.
Lar
Posted by spriggy on December 29, 2005, at 22:52:47
In reply to Re: How I really feel (rant) » James K, posted by Larry Hoover on December 29, 2005, at 17:09:25
I'm sorry you are suffering and having such a tough time.
Just know you aren't alone. Mostly all of us have been where you are- some of us still "live there", a few of us have made our way out of there, and a few of us visit that place occasionally still.
But you aren't alone. That's what helps me the most sometimes.
When I'm depressed, angry, feeling like dying but know I can't because I have two kid's, and am just so darn tired- I just tell myself, " I'm not alone."
:)
This is the end of the thread.
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