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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ron1953 on December 1, 2005, at 15:28:15
Hi!
It's been quite a while since I've posted, although there's plenty going on. Judi found the following on a 'family dynamics' web site; thought you might find it interesting.
BTW: Judi & I are still doing very well. We'll celebrate our first anniversary next month!
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There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.)
“Responsible Child” - “Family Hero”
This is the child who is “9 going on 40.” This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve “success” on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.
“Acting out child” - “Scapegoat”
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive.
“Placater” - “Mascot”
This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families ‘social director” and clown, diverting the family’s attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don’t know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to “save” the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt.
“Adjuster” - “Lost Child”
This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and “don’t bother getting upset.”
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are ‘lost children’ who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.
It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities. We are, of course, born with a certain personality. What happens with the roles we adapt in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, distorted view of who we are as a result of our personality melding with the roles. This is dysfunctional because it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. The false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is always some Truth in it. For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and are not doing what they do simply out of Codependence. Nothing is black and white. Recovery is about getting honest with ourselves and finding some balance in our life.
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Posted by alesta on December 2, 2005, at 8:04:47
In reply to Family Dynamics + personal update, posted by ron1953 on December 1, 2005, at 15:28:15
hi ron! nice to see you!:) glad to hear about you and judi...and interesting info...omigod...couldst one of those be me? :-
amy:)
Posted by allisonross on December 2, 2005, at 8:24:52
In reply to Family Dynamics + personal update, posted by ron1953 on December 1, 2005, at 15:28:15
What fascinates me, is that I became none of these 4 things. I read a book called The Transcendent Child---i am that child.
I've written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice in the world), and have a publisher interested.
Until I read that book, I had no idea about how, when, or why..(some children can transcend the evil/brutality, abuse, and some cannot)...no one does.....i think most of it is genetic. In my case, I know it is..
My t asked me how I was able to overcome a childhood of violence/verbal abuse, physical abuse, being molested, poverty, etc.....
I told him: "My faith, wicked wit and sense of humor."
Without my sense of humor, I would be drooling in a corner, somewhere!Smiles, Ally (born standin' up and talkin' back!)
Posted by allisonross on December 2, 2005, at 8:32:33
In reply to Re: Family Dynamics + personal update » ron1953, posted by alesta on December 2, 2005, at 8:04:47
Hi, Ron: Nice to "meet" you here. I am pretty new. Fortunately, I am one of the "transcendent children' of whom the author (Lillian Rubin) speaks of, in her book: The Transcendent Child.
Until I read the book, I was unaware of what, how, why, etc......we transcenders.....do...transcend. No one really knows why, still. I have a feeling it might be genetic; I know that in my case it must be.
My t asked how I am so "normal" (well, most people call me eccentric and bad, lOL); i said: 'My faith, twisted wit and wicked sense of humor"
If not for my sense of humor, I would probably be drooling in a corner somewhere!
I overcame a childhood of violence; mentally-ill mother who was physically and verbally abusive......molested....never knew my father, and extreme poverty...and that is just the POSITIVE stuff, LOL....
my story was published with the Ph.D's (pretty amazed at that one): www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
So, enough about ME, what do YOU think about ME?!
....and congratulations.......Smiles, Ally
Posted by ron1953 on December 2, 2005, at 16:26:18
In reply to Re: Family Dynamics + personal update/Transcendenc » alesta, posted by allisonross on December 2, 2005, at 8:32:33
Allison:
Nice to meet you, too. The Transcender role is interesting. I read a few excerpts from the book on Amazon. I'm attempting to transcend at age 52!
I'm a bit baffled, though......why do you go to a therapist?
Ron
Posted by allisonross on December 3, 2005, at 3:46:03
In reply to Re: Family Dynamics + personal update/Transcendenc, posted by ron1953 on December 2, 2005, at 16:26:18
> Allison:
>
> Nice to meet you, too. The Transcender role is interesting. I read a few excerpts from the book on Amazon. I'm attempting to transcend at age 52!
>
> I'm a bit baffled, though......why do you go to a therapist?
>
Hi, Ron: Well, do you want the WHOLE story, or just the Reader's Digest Version?I'll try to make it brief. You can read the story on www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com, and I was also published with the Ph.D's (amazingly) at www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse.
I went to a therapist, because my church of 31 years was going to take my business before the whole church (because I was getting a divorce after 31 years of abuse).
I had never heard the term "spiritual" abuse until my therapist (expert in spiritual abuse, and the exact...person I needed to journey with me)...told me what was happening.
I fought the system for 18 months (principle of the thing) to try and stop the pastor (of disaster, LOL) from "counseling' any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide.
In the end (on my birthday, no less), my name was put up on a big screen, followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD. Something beautiful came from the ashes: my churchabusepoetry website
My therapist taught me the most important and powerful words I'd ever heard: "Restorative Justice"--This is what you did, this is how it made me feel. So empowering to someone who had lived (except for 3 years in the army) a lifetime of abuse.I did "restorative justice"--waited 2 years and wrote to everyone in that church, then to the pastor, requesting compensation for what I had to spend in therapy. Received a token payment, but at least I stood up for my principles.
That's the short version.
I coped by myself my whole life, and my resiliency allowed me to do that (along with my faith and wicked sense of humor), but when it came to the church (debacle), I needed someone knowledgeable bout church stuff, etc...and my t was sent to me at the exact moment I needed him.
I have stayed with him, because now I am alone after this divorce thing..transition, etc.
It's interesting. I process all of that pain (divorce stuff), and angst all week long, but when I go and see my t, all I want to do is talk about social stuff, and tease and play. I told him that. That in itself, is therapeutic for me.
As he said, even though I am NOT talking about the pain of divorce, in a sense I AM talking about it. I understand what he means by that.
I could leave at any time, (been standing on my own 2 feet for a lifetime), but I choose to see him still. He's wonderfully supportive and celebrates me. I believe he is the best t on the planet (and he agrees, LOL)..
That's it in a nutshell!
Again, lovely to meet you, Ron!
> Ron
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