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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by JenStar on September 30, 2005, at 17:30:53
hi all,
I think a friend of mine is blowing me off because I told her I was depressed. I don't think she understands.The truth is, she called me to see if I wanted to go out a few weekends ago; she called on Friday and Saturday and I didn't call back at all, even though we had tentatively discussed seeing a movie a few days prior. I didn't call b/c I was feeling really low and depressed and anxious, and I couldn't bear to be with anybody, and I just completely didn't want to talk or hang out or anything.
On Monday I told her that I wasn't trying to be a b**ch and I wasn't blowing her off, and that I was sorry, but I was having a rough patch and just didn't want to talk. I apologized for not calling her back. She was kind of distant and cold and didn't really seem to understand or care. Then, since then, she's ignored my emails and has not called at all.
This is a friend with whom I been friends for years. Lately I've felt we're growing apart, and we've both been spending more time with other, separate friends. But I don't want to lose her ENTIRELY.
I know it was bad of me not to call her and just quickly explain that I was not feeling up to going out or even chatting on the phone. I should not have just ignored her calls. I feel bad about that, and it was probably a stupid and insensitive thing to do. But I was hoping, since we'd been friends for so long, that she'd understand after the fact. Instead, she's really being kind of a jerk about it.
Any advice?
JenSTar
Posted by wildcard on September 30, 2005, at 17:40:50
In reply to a friend blowing me off b/c I told her..., posted by JenStar on September 30, 2005, at 17:30:53
Oh i have avoided friends so many times b/c of my depression/anxiety. I know how u feel! (((hugs))) The best thing i wld. do is be honest w/ her about ur depression. If she is a true friend, she may not understand what u go through but she may understand that it is not directed towards her. If she doesn't understand or seem to care, sometimes u have to let go.
Posted by lynn970 on September 30, 2005, at 21:16:33
In reply to a friend blowing me off b/c I told her..., posted by JenStar on September 30, 2005, at 17:30:53
You apologized for not returning her calls and that is all you can do. If she doesn't accept your apology, then that is her problem. A true friend would understand that you were going throug a hard time. When I am going through severe anxiety or depression, I cannot be around anybody. It is not my fault. I try, I just cant.
On the other hand. She might not understand depression. She may have taken it personal. Like you were deliberately trying to hurt or ignore her. She may have issues of her own. Just pray about the situation. There is nothing more that you can do. The ball is in her court now.
I have a good friend that understands me completely. When I am having anxiety, I ask her the same question over and over. She keeps reassuring me that everything is ok. My husband gets mad and fusses if I keep asking him. (the question is usually related to whatever I am obsessing over). It is good to have a friend who understands and does not judge.
Luv ya,
Lynn
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2005, at 0:01:16
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her..., posted by lynn970 on September 30, 2005, at 21:16:33
hi Lynn,
it's so nice that you have such an understanding friend!I think my friend probably did not understand, and I think that SHE thinks I *was* blowing her off out of some bad intent, rather than needing to be alone. She is pretty me-centric and sensitive that way. Sometimes we need to baby her if she gets upset about stuff. But she's a LOT of fun at parties - she's kind of a "life of the party" kind of person.
I can't always trust her with secrets, because she blabs to other people. That's why, I think, I didn't tell her EVERYTHING about why I didn't call. Understandably, since there were gaps, she probably assumed the worst. I tried to make it clear that I wasn't being "mean" and that I was NOT trying to be a b**ch (I even used that word!) I told her that I value her friendship and I was just having a very rough weekend. But I don't think she "got" it. I'm afraid to tell her about meds/theraphy/issues b/c she DOES tell other people. And since we have some work friends in common, I just don't want them getting that information.
I guess I'll try calling her again next week and hopefully she'll come around. I feel guilty for not calling her back, but it's always such a drama with her. We'll see what happens...
thanks for your support and advice!
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2005, at 0:03:07
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her... » JenStar, posted by wildcard on September 30, 2005, at 17:40:50
hi wildcard, thanks for understanding and for the virtual hugs! I know I'm being defensive about this whole thing, even though I brought it on myself by not returning her call (such a simple thing!) It's just that I don't always trust her with super-personal information, because she tells others things without regard sometimes. I just don't have 100% confidence that she won't blab, even if she promises. So it's hard for me to open up to her.
Anyway, thanks for the advice & thoughts!
have a nice weekend!
JenStar
Posted by wildcard on October 1, 2005, at 5:36:51
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her... » wildcard, posted by JenStar on October 1, 2005, at 0:03:07
Hey JenStar! Yeah, if this friend would tell ur personal business to others, i wldn't go into detail either. I'm sure she has had a bad day in her life and although she may be upset that u didn't call, it seems that u have apologized enough and she is acting a bit childish. A real friend wld. hug ur neck and ask if things were any better, not shut u out. U didn't do anything wrong, u were sick and an apology should be enough. Hope it works out. ; )
Posted by lynn970 on October 1, 2005, at 7:27:18
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her... » lynn970, posted by JenStar on October 1, 2005, at 0:01:16
> I'm afraid to tell her about meds/theraphy/issues b/c she DOES tell other people. And since we have some work friends in common, I just don't want them getting that information.
If you are afraid to tell her everything then dont. Dont feel guilty about it either. If she continues to act that way, then she is the one with the problem (I am not trying to be mean to her). I hope that she gets over it soon. You are not responsible for the way she is acting. You are not responsible for her happiness.I am sorry that I am going off like this. It is just that my mom used to try to control me by giving me the "cold shoulder" to get what she wanted from me.
Your friend needs to step out of her own little world.
Someone once told me "It is better to have 1 or 2
good friends that are "real" friends, than a dozen friends who dont really care."Love ya lots,
Lynn
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2005, at 14:43:19
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her..., posted by lynn970 on October 1, 2005, at 7:27:18
I used to have one friend I could talk to but I moved and was afraid to call. Horrible but I was always in better shape and I always felt better after talking to her because her problems were worse. Does this make me selfish? And I don't call her since I moved. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by wildcard on October 1, 2005, at 14:54:09
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her... » lynn970, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2005, at 14:43:19
>No it does not make u selfish. You have a fear of calling. There is a huge difference. I have done the same thing b/c of that fear?! You are not alone.
Posted by sunny10 on October 3, 2005, at 10:23:31
In reply to Re: a friend blowing me off b/c I told her... » Phillipa, posted by wildcard on October 1, 2005, at 14:54:09
might I suggest that if she
a) doesn't understand, and
b) doesn't keep your secretsshe may not actually BE a friend? Perhaps you have simply outgrown this friendship with a friend who didn't mature at the same rate as you...
Posted by dominique on October 3, 2005, at 21:12:57
In reply to a friend blowing me off b/c I told her..., posted by JenStar on September 30, 2005, at 17:30:53
> hi all,
> I think a friend of mine is blowing me off because I told her I was depressed. I don't think she understands.
>
> The truth is, she called me to see if I wanted to go out a few weekends ago; she called on Friday and Saturday and I didn't call back at all, even though we had tentatively discussed seeing a movie a few days prior. I didn't call b/c I was feeling really low and depressed and anxious, and I couldn't bear to be with anybody, and I just completely didn't want to talk or hang out or anything.
>
> On Monday I told her that I wasn't trying to be a b**ch and I wasn't blowing her off, and that I was sorry, but I was having a rough patch and just didn't want to talk. I apologized for not calling her back. She was kind of distant and cold and didn't really seem to understand or care. Then, since then, she's ignored my emails and has not called at all.
>
> This is a friend with whom I been friends for years. Lately I've felt we're growing apart, and we've both been spending more time with other, separate friends. But I don't want to lose her ENTIRELY.
>
> I know it was bad of me not to call her and just quickly explain that I was not feeling up to going out or even chatting on the phone. I should not have just ignored her calls. I feel bad about that, and it was probably a stupid and insensitive thing to do. But I was hoping, since we'd been friends for so long, that she'd understand after the fact. Instead, she's really being kind of a jerk about it.
>
> Any advice?
> JenSTarTough one....
I'm sure we've all been through trials like this. There are times when I myself want to talk with no one and being around people only P!$$e$ me off (as if I could strangle them); if your friend doesn't understand what you are going through then you have other friends/babblers to talk through. If you truly want to keep this friendship then email her a note that you two need to talk (not a forward) and/or leave her a phone message saying the same. If she doesn't reply or not take you up on the offer, it isn't as if you haven't tried. And she may be going through some things also. It may not be that she doesn't want to talk to you, maybe she just doesn't understand you, or feels she can't help you?????? Some people run from these kind of things. Hopefully she will come around and you two may mend your friendship....don't give up!!!
Smiles
Dom
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