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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:38:29
Dad called me last night to say how worried he is about me, and we talked for about an hour. I’m still amazed recalling how I felt I was talking with a good friend instead of my Dad, whom I’ve always tried to impress as being a good girl. I told him exactly how I feel and all the difficulty I’ve had with anxiety and depression. He assured me that Mom and him love me, and offered to do anything he can to help. We talked about my job a lot and he tried to offer suggestions to help. It was truly a heart-to-heart conversation. I told him how good it felt to talk to him that way, and that I always felt that if I had nothing positive /nice to say, then keep quiet. Dad said he wanted me to speak from my heart, no matter whether it was pleasant or unpleasant. Well, he got a lot of unpleasant from me last night. I explained how I often feel like a shell of a person; that I’m like a ghost in my own house and with my family. I cried off and on throughout our conversation. Dad suggested I quit my job and find something I like to do. I explained that I’m afraid if I quit my job, I’ll still be “sick” but then realize the job wasn’t the cause of it. I can’t throw away a good-paying job. Actually, I don’t think the job is the only cause, but I can’t otherwise pinpoint what the problem is. How do I explain to someone that I just might be this way regardless of my environment, and there’s nothing that can be done about it except keep trying to find the right medication? Dad kept saying my job is killing me, but I don’t know. Everyone would feel more comfortable being able to blame a certain thing in my life so I can change it and get better, but what if that’s not possible? That would make them powerless to help, and they’d have to acknowledge the fact that I have a chronic mental illness. I know that no one can save me…I have to save myself but I don’t know how.
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:50:37
I often feel like a shell of a person; that I’m like a ghost in my own house and with my family.
I hate my job. Friends and family tell me to quit and find something I want to do. I explain that I’m afraid if I quit my job, I’ll still be “sick” but then realize the job wasn’t the cause of it. I can’t throw away a good-paying job. Actually, I don’t think the job is the only cause of my anxiety and depression, but I can’t otherwise pinpoint what the problem is. How do I explain to someone that I just might be this way regardless of my environment, and there’s nothing that can be done about it except keep trying to find the right medication? They tell me my job is killing me, but I don’t know.
Everyone would feel more comfortable being able to blame a certain thing in my life so I can change it and get better, but what if that’s not possible? That would make them powerless to help, and they’d have to acknowledge the fact that I have a chronic mental illness.
I know that no one can save me…I have to save myself but I don’t know how.
I'm so tired of the shrinks, therapists and constant trials of medications. I want off this hellish ride.
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 14:09:08
In reply to How can I save myself?, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:38:29
Oh, damn. I didn't mean to post this message this way. This one revealed too much. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed.
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 14:13:35
In reply to How do I save myself?, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:50:37
Posted by woolav on July 25, 2005, at 14:21:25
In reply to Everyone please ignore me! (nm), posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 14:13:35
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 14:33:28
In reply to we all care, dont feel embarresed ever!!!! (nm), posted by woolav on July 25, 2005, at 14:21:25
Thank you. I just feel awful today. And now I feel foolish too.
Posted by pinkeye on July 25, 2005, at 14:42:13
In reply to Re: we all care, dont feel embarresed ever!!!!, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 14:33:28
I have been in the same boat. Everyone kept blaming one thing or the other in my life - that it is my job, or my dad, or my husband, or my health issues. But I always knew it was not really any one single issue that was contributing to the problem. Intensive therapy helped me finally find that I have a huge problem with self guilt and self acceptance and approval. And I am trying to work on it.
don't be embarrased though.
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 15:12:37
In reply to Re: we all care, dont feel embarresed ever!!!! » Sonya, posted by pinkeye on July 25, 2005, at 14:42:13
I think you hit the nail on the head. My self-esteem is very poor and I'm often wracked with guilt over my inadequacies as a daughter, mother, wife and friend. Unfortunately, years of therapy and meds haven't helped much.
I think menopause is making me more unstable. These hot flashes are relentless. At times I just don't feel like trying to cope anymore. This is one of those days.
Posted by CAROLINA on July 25, 2005, at 16:14:24
In reply to Thank you, Pinkeye!, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 15:12:37
a lot of us have felt how u r feeling and it's ok. we all have days like that and lean on each other when we need it b/c a lot of us have family,friends.etc...that don't and may never understand. i tried to cash in my ticket on this hellish ride a long X ago but it just won't stop but it does slow down a little at times(right b4 a huge twist)LOL.....take care-carolina
Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 16:27:24
In reply to Re: Thank you, Pinkeye!, posted by CAROLINA on July 25, 2005, at 16:14:24
It's wonderful to feel understood...even if by strangers.
You're understanding and support mean the world to me. Your remarks have lifted my spirits considerably.
Posted by JenStar on July 25, 2005, at 18:54:16
In reply to How do I save myself?, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:50:37
hi Sonya,
it's a tricky situation, for sure! It's possible that quitting the job would help your stress/depression, but it also might INCREASE it. If the stress wasn't caused 100% by the job, maybe being temp. unemployed, making less $$, and being home alone all day would actually make things WORSE.On the other hand, if the job is making you very upset, maybe it WOULD be better to quit (and taking time to think of what you really want to do. It can be so freeing and exciting to try something new!
Don't be embarrassed...I think we all feel this way sometimes. I did. It's funny b/c I was in a very similar situation to you a while back! I HATED my job, even though I was making a lot of $$$ and was "important." With the support of my hubby, I quit to try something new. It was very hard at first, and for a while my anxiety got much worse. But now that things have stabilized, I'm happier than I was at the old job. I'm glad I did it.
I know that my story won't be the same story for you or for everyone, but it's at least one piece of data to examine!
Good luck to you. Let us know what you decide!
JenStar
Posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2005, at 22:15:11
In reply to Re: How do I save myself? » Sonya, posted by JenStar on July 25, 2005, at 18:54:16
This is a wonderful Thread. I relate to everything each of you has said. Everything in this Thread is crashing through my head right now. So what is the firs step to begin sorting it out. I mean #l, #2,etc. Seriously our own Therapy by those who have walked the walk. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by sleepygirl on July 25, 2005, at 22:38:09
In reply to How do I save myself?, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:50:37
These are VERY good questions. I have pondered them many times. It sucks to be sick.
Posted by Sonya on July 26, 2005, at 2:51:13
In reply to Re: How do I save myself?, posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2005, at 22:15:11
I wish I knew, Phillipa. I feel so lost right now that I don't know where to turn. It doesn't help that I can't sleep (it's now 3:40am).
Someone recently said in a post here that if it weren't for the fact that we could escape through death, life would be intolerable. I still think about my pill stash that was destroyed in the hospital after my suicide attempt last year. I felt it was my safety net. But now I feel so trapped because it's gone and I've promised my family never to do that again. Please, is someone up at this hour. Please reply. I don't care, say anything.
Posted by Sonya on July 26, 2005, at 3:02:14
In reply to Re: How do I save myself? » Sonya, posted by JenStar on July 25, 2005, at 18:54:16
I'm such a coward because I'm afraid to make any changes in my life. I'm only 51 but feel my life is over so I may as well just coast the rest of the way. This kind of thinking is why therapy didn't work for me. I'm too damn pessimistic:-( I really try to appreciate what I have and not catastrophize, but things just seem beyond my control.
Posted by Sonya on July 26, 2005, at 3:04:02
In reply to Re: How do I save myself?, posted by sleepygirl on July 25, 2005, at 22:38:09
It sure does...
Posted by nout on July 26, 2005, at 5:27:36
In reply to *trigger* » Phillipa, posted by Sonya on July 26, 2005, at 2:51:13
"anything"...Hey, you brought me from the sidelines and into the game. I feel for you not having the (safety net,crutch,security blanket)taken away and not able to have it back. It reminds me of growing up and having to abandon "childish" things that were familiar and safe for us as we entered a new level or phase of our lives. We can't stagnate our existance or we will regress into a place that makes it increasingly difficult to escape from; we require fresh air.
Your "stash" was involuntarily taken away from you- I would be pissed too. I believe if you were made to give it up voluntarily, like babies with their pacificers and sippy cups, then you would feel like your decision was made BY you and not FOR you. Loss of control is detremental to our self esteem which, especially for me, is always lower than it should be and it seems that everyone wants to keep knocking it down.
I hope this helps you to some degree because I feel better now that you got me in the game.
Posted by Sonya on July 26, 2005, at 6:39:17
In reply to Re: *trigger* » Sonya, posted by nout on July 26, 2005, at 5:27:36
I'm really glad you joined the game. Thank you for your understanding and support.
Posted by caraher on July 27, 2005, at 14:38:29
In reply to How can I save myself?, posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:38:29
I'm sorry you feel embarrassed about your post. I've been there, quit the job, started school, gotten depressed. I'm also sure I didn't really want that job in the first place.
Perhaps you can do both? By which I mean, look for a better job (better for *you*) AND keep looking for the right meds, therapy, etc.
It's not hopeless... that's just your illness talking. Keep trying!
This is the end of the thread.
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