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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
I am not happy. Having another spectacularly poopy day. Had to stop taking Cymbalta cold turkey on Tuesday as my blood pressure went dangerously high and stayed high at a 60mg dose. Now my BP is low-normal. It's the *only* normal thing about me now. I had a terrific case of road rage this morning, yelled at my poor husband for not having made enough coffee so I could have a travel cup while I screamed at the drivers on the road.
Cried in the car. Thought about the collection of tried and rejected antidepressants in the cupboard at home. Nothing works without making me sick in other ways. What happens when you run out of drugs to try... that does not bear thinking about seriously, but it is discouraging to see all those bottles, all those pills, and know that they have not been able to help.
Angry with everyone at work today - for no reason. It's hard to keep it inside, even when you know you're being a jerk. I think they can see the black cloud hanging over my head, as people also notice the grimness in my face and walk quickly by my desk. No doubt afraid of another waterfall of tears.
I can't stand being unmedicated for just 2 days. It is difficult to realize how nasty I am. The ball of anger is hard in my chest. Is all this meant to come out of me? Is this what the medication has been doing - subduing my senseless rage? I'm a hateful, hating person and most of all, I hate who I am.
I wish I was home. I wish I make this day go away. I do not like this version of partlycloudy - no wonder i have no friends.
black, bleak, hurt, sad, angry.
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 13:52:51
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
It is a version of you, a tiny little part that's being all blown out of proportion for just this small moment in time things weren't always like this and they won't always be like this either.
Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:58:28
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
It's always worse ramping up and ramping down. You won't always feel this way.
So what is the plan now? Another AD? Or a mood stabilizer?
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 14:39:21
In reply to Re: I'm not done whining yet. » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:58:28
And don't sit there glaring and yelling and gesticulating at the screen, PC, we see you. :)
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 10, 2005, at 15:03:22
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
PC,
Please excuse my ignorance. Do you feel that the drugs you are taking are necessary?
Posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 15:16:34
In reply to Re: I'm not done whining yet. » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:58:28
I'm to report back to the p-doc with my record of blood pressure readings, with her plan to have me go back on Cymbalta very slowly. I wish I didn't have to pretend everything is okey-dokey while I'm ripped up so much inside. I don't know why, but my p-doc has not wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer; she says the anger is a symptom of my depression. I think it's a symptom that I'm angry!!!! - but even while I rage at that windmill I see not only my futility but the emptiness of the anger. There is no substance behind it. Except for the road rage, of course. It's high tourist season here, so we get all the out-of-towners driving 25 mph in the passing lane. I see 2 or 3 accidents every day, and I take no highway routes, just the slow and scenic roads that the tourists take.
I don't know - it feels like I swing from melancholy to anger quickly and often, with not much time spent being neutral (never mind happy - that doesn't seem like a possibility right now). I really did pour my heart out to the p-doc, about all the family upsets and physical worries I have right now. I do trust her assessment that my GAD makes this all feel much worse. I'm just heartsick at not finding some equilibrium in my emotional life, and not being able to rely on medication to stave the Blue Meanies off while I work on it.
I figure it will either be a very long visit with my T tonight, or a short one with me storming out and looking to find another therapist. We'll see.
Posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 15:27:07
In reply to Re: I'm not done whining yet., posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 10, 2005, at 15:03:22
Hmm. I certainly feel off my rocker without them. When I first saw my p-doc it was because
1. i couldn't stop crying all the time
1a. everything made me cry
2. i was angry with everything and everyone for no reason
3. i couldn't sleep
4. i had no energy
5. i felt completely worthless and undeserving of respect and love.So now, I am crying, angry, can't sleep, and have no energy. BUT - I know that I am worthy and deserving of love. So to me it sounds like a chemical or biological imbalance.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 16:02:02
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
I know this isn't very encouraging, but I really smiled when you said "poopy". It reminded me of one of the first e-mail I got from you, and you used that word. It made me laugh to hear or see a grown woman use that word, and you know me, I am NOT making fun, it just makes me giggle. I remember what you said, "I can't even cuss in an e-mail"......I really enjoy you PC. Really I do. BTW I found extra $, so today I made it through.
Ada, very poopy herself, Grace
Posted by jay on February 10, 2005, at 17:34:40
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
One thing you can count on PC is that it is not *always* going to be like this. Yes, maybe a trial of many meds didn;t work, but what about the many, many combinations of medications? I take 6 different meds to help keep me upright, and it took nearly 10 years of experimentation. I'd take a 100 if I had to. That is part of the fight, bashing the beast in the head with a piece of steel. It's never, ever easy, I know, but remember you *do* count; you have every right to happiness as the next person; you have every right to say what is on your mind.
Anyhow...please take good care...ride out the storm...fade in the sunshine...you *will* make it and do well at it.
Best,
Jay
Posted by 64bowtie on February 11, 2005, at 0:41:04
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
PC
My e - mail is dr10day-deskof at y a h o o dot c o m. Welcome him for me. I won't lavish him with anything so prosaic as an 'ata-boy'! He obviously loves 'who-you-are' and can look past 'what-you-do'! He can use the applause, though!
Rod
Posted by AuntieMel on February 11, 2005, at 8:58:57
In reply to I'm not done whining yet., posted by partlycloudy on February 10, 2005, at 13:36:11
Grabbing a long board. I went out back and just beat the bejaggers out of a tree, so hard I could feel the shock in my shoulders, screaming at the top of my lungs and crying buckets at the same time.
I didn't stop, even when the board broke, for a very long time.
The good news: I really did feel better for it.
The better news: the neighbors didn't call the cops. It was 2am after all.
Posted by partlycloudy on February 11, 2005, at 9:10:49
In reply to Re: I once dealt with anger by.... » partlycloudy, posted by AuntieMel on February 11, 2005, at 8:58:57
Yowza. My therapist (we have made up and firmly scheduled a bunch of appointments) is really, really anti-anger, against "letting it all out". She says it doesn't work. I am not the least bit effective in expressing anger. If anything, screaming or yelling or bashing pillows makes me hysterical and overwrought, bringing no relief whatsoever. I think it must be from being brought up in an uptight British household. No feelings allowed apart from smugness (is that a feeling?).
Today I am xanax mellow, having been encouraged by the doctor and therapist to use this med so make things easier for me while my body gets sorted out.
Just one day later, and the rage seems like it belonged to someone else. All I have to show for it are puffy eyes and I *swear* I am getting new wrinkles every day. I am splurging on a deep-cleaning facial this weekend. I told them to get out the Oxyclean....
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 11, 2005, at 13:08:22
In reply to May I talk to that poor husband of yours? » partlycloudy, posted by 64bowtie on February 11, 2005, at 0:41:04
wow rod?
have you thought the "subject line" to your post may be uncivil?
i do not want to applaude "one person" in a marriage..
applaude them both!
pc was the one looking for support..
'ata-girl'..for putting up with your husbands difficulties!
clap clap clap..
jyl.
pooor poor poor rod for having to put up with the other people of this world...
Posted by partlycloudy on February 11, 2005, at 13:11:42
In reply to Re: May I talk to that poor husband of yours? » 64bowtie, posted by justyourlaugh on February 11, 2005, at 13:08:22
Posted by AuntieMel on February 11, 2005, at 14:04:55
In reply to Re: I once dealt with anger by.... » AuntieMel, posted by partlycloudy on February 11, 2005, at 9:10:49
Well, I agree if the expression of anger is directed towards a person. In that case it not only doesn't work, it's counter-productive.
But in this one case I was exceptionally angry and it was directed at a tree, not a person. It didn't help at first, but I kept it up until my whole upper body hurt and I was exausted.
It did help, but it's not something to do often. I think if it were done very often it would lose it's effectiveness.
Posted by pegasus on February 11, 2005, at 14:31:32
In reply to Re: May I talk to that poor husband of yours? » 64bowtie, posted by justyourlaugh on February 11, 2005, at 13:08:22
Yeah, thanks for saying that jyl. I was a bit taken aback myself with rod's message. After all, PC is going through wild emotion hell right now, and her husband only had one yelling at over coffee. And PC even sounded regretful about that. But she's struggling with a much larger burden than her husband. I felt marginalized on PC's behalf by rod's message.
Hang in there PC. I was glad to hear you had some Xanax and are feeling a bit better today. Going off those ADs can be a tough row to hoe.
pegasus
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 11, 2005, at 14:40:51
In reply to Re: May I talk to that poor husband of yours? » justyourlaugh, posted by pegasus on February 11, 2005, at 14:31:32
I felt marginalized on PC's behalf by rod's message.
>
Me too,Thanks for speaking up
Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 15:55:16
In reply to Re: I once dealt with anger by.... » AuntieMel, posted by partlycloudy on February 11, 2005, at 9:10:49
Let's see: my gut feeling, without the dictionary, says that smug is a feeling rather than .. what? A state of mind? Okay.
Wow.
Smug (adjective) - having a self-satisfied, conceited, complacent, or consciously respectable air; indicative of or characterized by complacency or self-satisfaction.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 12, 2005, at 10:03:29
In reply to Re: I once dealt with anger by.... » partlycloudy, posted by AuntieMel on February 11, 2005, at 14:04:55
I once pulled out lots and lots of ground cover that I had been planning to do someday. I was really really upset about someone's actions, and ripping stuff out like that was very therapeutic. And productive, because I had a new flower bed to fill!
Throwing rolled up bundles of old carpet down the stairs into the basement is therapeutic for me, too. When we were remodelling the house, I loved this task. I "named" all the bundles! Kind of disappointing when they were all gone. Almost made me want to carry them back upstairs and keep going. :-D
This kind of stuff helps me. I feel relaxed and a bit drained in a good kind of way. If I thought it was feeding and escalating the anger, I don't know if I would view it so positively.
gg
Posted by AuntieMel on February 12, 2005, at 23:57:55
In reply to Re: I once dealt with anger by.... » AuntieMel, posted by gardenergirl on February 12, 2005, at 10:03:29
about pulling weeds to handle anger. The weeds represented the people that angered her.
She had the most beautiful garden. Mine's not too bad either.
Posted by AuntieMel on February 13, 2005, at 0:02:41
In reply to Re: May I talk to that poor husband of yours? » pegasus, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 11, 2005, at 14:40:51
I think *all* our spouses deserve an atta-person for what they put up with. At least the ones that do a good job of it deserve it.
They stand by all our mood swings, knowing it's the illness and not us, and for the most part don't retaliate.
Give them all a cookie!
Posted by Dinah on February 13, 2005, at 2:14:27
In reply to Re: In Rod's defense, posted by AuntieMel on February 13, 2005, at 0:02:41
In my admittedly limited experience, the "normals" of the world can be as difficult to live with as anyone.
In fact my son would probably say my husband was the difficult one. I'd disagree and say we both are, but in different ways. My son, on the other hand, is a veritable delight in almost every way, proving that there are indeed those that are not difficult to live with. But I suspect his wife will disagree. :)
Posted by partlycloudy on February 14, 2005, at 7:00:22
In reply to Cookies all around? » AuntieMel, posted by Dinah on February 13, 2005, at 2:14:27
I have posted on the withdrawl board about my current situation. I could not even get to a store to get my precious valentine a card, much less a gift. I shared the morning's tears with him before he had to leave for the week.
Posted by AuntieMel on February 14, 2005, at 9:57:26
In reply to Cookies all around? » AuntieMel, posted by Dinah on February 13, 2005, at 2:14:27
Anyone that handles any bad situation with grace gets a cookie.
Without getting into what defines "normal" /in my opinion it just means "undiagnosed"/ I think in some ways *we* actually have an advantage. At least we a) know that something is wrong with us b) have an idea what it is and c) are working to resolve it.
However, on our journey to get better we go through some horrible ups and downs while finding good doctors and therapists, changing meds constantly and all - on top of the symptoms of the disease itself.
My hat is off to all of us who persevere, and to those wonderful supportive members of our families who love us through it.
Cookies? No, it's valentine's day. Flowers and chocolate all around!
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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