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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on December 23, 2004, at 22:12:44
am I so out of sync with the rest of the world? Just everybody, I'm just weird, just everybody thinks so. It hurts and it sucks to be different like this. I don't understand, I want to understand, I want to be dead like everybody else.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 23, 2004, at 22:44:22
In reply to Why, posted by Susan47 on December 23, 2004, at 22:12:44
Susan I don't think you are weird I find you to be sweet and fun
BIG HUGS
Posted by AdaGrace on December 24, 2004, at 6:52:18
In reply to Why, posted by Susan47 on December 23, 2004, at 22:12:44
Susan, I agree with Fallen, there is nothing wierd about you. We all have similarities and differences. You and I, I think have many similarites with our sensuality or desires to achieve that. Does that make me wierd? No, I choose to think that it makes me unique. Tell me what has happened to create these feelings inside you. Susan, you are such a special person. Talk. Talk. Talk. We all care, let us help.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on December 24, 2004, at 7:53:45
In reply to Re: Why » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 24, 2004, at 6:52:18
Susan,
I don't know you very well, but I think I know something of the feelings you are expressing. For a long time I wanted to be like everyone else, and at times I still do. I don't want to stick out; I want to be able to blend in with everyone else and disappear. I want people to stop talking about me.
I think I've begun to learn though that for the most part, they aren't talking about me; that what's really troubling me isn't reality, but my fears. For me, the real challenge is in being me, and not being ashamed of doing so.
I don't know... maybe that's the challenge for all of us...to be out there, and to be ourselves.Dee.
Posted by Angel Girl on December 24, 2004, at 18:10:21
In reply to Re: Why, posted by deirdrehbrt on December 24, 2004, at 7:53:45
> Susan,
> I don't know you very well, but I think I know something of the feelings you are expressing. For a long time I wanted to be like everyone else, and at times I still do. I don't want to stick out; I want to be able to blend in with everyone else and disappear. I want people to stop talking about me.
> I think I've begun to learn though that for the most part, they aren't talking about me; that what's really troubling me isn't reality, but my fears. For me, the real challenge is in being me, and not being ashamed of doing so.
> I don't know... maybe that's the challenge for all of us...to be out there, and to be ourselves.
>
> Dee.
Dee / SusanDee, I agree with what you're saying. I do find it hard to be myself in a world that is so different. I can sympathize with Susan. I feel the same as her. I feel like I'm an alien on a foreign planet and waiting for my spaceship to come back and get me before I go even more crazy than I already am.
AG (who doesn't belong on this planet they call Earth)
Posted by Dinah on December 24, 2004, at 19:53:55
In reply to Why, posted by Susan47 on December 23, 2004, at 22:12:44
I've always felt that way too. Like I wore some sort of neon sign that I couldn't see, but that was easily visible to anyone else, that said "I'm odd".
As I get older, I think I'm more likely to cheerfully volunteer that I'm odd. There are worse things than odd.
And thanks, Babble, for helping me realize that. :) It takes a long time to influence me, but it can be done.
Posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2004, at 23:30:14
In reply to Re: Why, posted by deirdrehbrt on December 24, 2004, at 7:53:45
Dee, that's what a good girlfriend of mine says, too. The challenge is to be out there, and be ourselves. Whatever ourselves may be, and if you think you're ugly, like me, then that's really really scary.
Posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2004, at 23:36:53
In reply to Re: Why » Susan47, posted by Dinah on December 24, 2004, at 19:53:55
I like your attitude, Dinah. Sometimes, when I'm feeling confident about myself, my oddities are okay with me, I even embrace them because I believe they make me more alive.
But other times, when I feel the low, my oddities haunt me, and make me feel the lowest of the low. I'm not a bad person. But I am a scared person.
Posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2004, at 23:40:54
In reply to Re: Why » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 24, 2004, at 6:52:18
Ag, when you feel like your sensuality leaves you in the cold, it's hard to continue living. You know what I mean.
A dear friend of mine said to me today, that it takes a great deal of courage to be human. Knowing that you're going to die one day, being aware of the fragility of life, and having the capacity to understand so much, separates humanity from the rest of creation. It really does take a lot of courage to go on, knowing that you're going to get old, your body'll break down, your mind may become (even more, in my case,) unstable, and you'll lose abilities that you consider special right now.
Do I have the courage? Last night it failed me. Momentarily. But I did the right thing, for my family.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on December 25, 2004, at 4:13:24
In reply to Re: Why » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2004, at 23:40:54
Susan,
I wish that there was something that I could say to make it all better, for you and for me. I know how it feels to be ugly, to be repulsive to so many people, including my family. What do you do when your family, who is supposed to love you 'no matter what', tells you that they'll only accept you if you fit into that rigid mold that was given you when you were growing up?
I have to struggle every single day with fear, and there are so many times I've considered and even tried to give up. I'm fotunate that I have friends around who haven't let me give up, but I still get SO terribly tired.
I know too, something of being ugly, and it hurts so much. It hurts more to know that part of that could have been avoided if my parents had a little more understanding and wisdom while I was growing up. I can't change my past though, or erase all of the horrible decisions that were made on my behalf. I may not be beautiful, but does that mean I should hide myself away?
Honestly though, for me it is still terrifying, and often my courage fails me. It takes alot of effort to be me, and sometimes I run out of strength. If you have friends like I do, and it sounds like you do, then you have some wonderful shoulders to lean on when your strenth does wane.Dee.
Posted by Dinah on December 25, 2004, at 7:53:10
In reply to Re: Why, posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2004, at 23:36:53
If it's not too painful, could you tell me more about how you feel odd? Twice you've referred to the oddness as making you feel alive while others are dead.
My own oddness makes me feel quite the opposite. My oddness makes me feel not quite part of life. An estranged and almost robotic outsider who just doesn't grasp why people feel. How they seem to immerse themselves in life in a way that feels stilted, unnatural, and even unpleasant to me.
Other things about me make me feel odd as well, but regards "alive" or "dead", my oddness comes down on the dead side.
Posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2004, at 20:53:46
In reply to Re: Why » Susan47, posted by Dinah on December 25, 2004, at 7:53:10
From what you've posted, I disagree with your evaluation of yourself, and of course I'm going to be wrong ... but it sounds to me like you're a person who Does feel more deeply and is wondering why others seem to function so well on a level that's more superficial. I just can't function on a superficial level, it's not me and it never has been, and the times in my life when I've tried to do that, such as in my last marriage, it's almost destroyed me. I need creative, smart, talented people around me or I'm just not there.
That's all.
Posted by AdaGrace on December 26, 2004, at 8:23:23
In reply to Re: Why » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2004, at 23:40:54
Susan, I do know what you mean. It scares me to think that this time in my life may be the last time I feel anything sexually. It might as well be over if I can't be with the one I love, and I can't love the one I am with.
It also scares me that the manic episodes will increase and I will be alone. But I'm already alone in this twisted mind.
Posted by Susan47 on December 26, 2004, at 22:10:26
In reply to Re: Why, posted by AdaGrace on December 26, 2004, at 8:23:23
Yup, you definitely are alone in your twisted mind, I have one too and I know how lonely it gets. I kind of enjoy my manic episodes, actually. They're better than my depressive ones. Much, much better. And I haven't yet done anything really serious to atone for. But I need to get laid, I even bought condoms at the supermarket last week. There they sit ... I work with the public right now, I see tons of men everyday, and a friend at work and I were commenting on how few of the men we see we'd actually like to have as partners, if you know what I mean. Maybe one in a hundred. Most guys I see are boors, ignorant, ugly boors. Last week I was out dancing, and was approached by half a dozen different guys, one actually had the temerity to put his hand on my fishnet-stockinged leg .. this is after he spent ten minutes regaling me and spitting peanuts in my face with the story of how he and his ex-wife split up and he's better off without her ... God, what a boor. A boring boor.
The two nice men I met are totally inappropriate even for screwing, but I could dance with them I suppose. Hm. One of them has brain damage from being beaten up fifteen years ago, he tried to commit suicide last week and was in the local psych ward .... the other, nice guy but not my type, not sophisticated enough ... damn I wish sometimes that I was less soph myself .. even though I'm not all THAT, it's still TOO MUCH for most of the men in my town.
Posted by AdaGrace on December 28, 2004, at 6:38:05
In reply to Re: Why » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on December 26, 2004, at 22:10:26
Maybe if you are just wanting to get laid, then perhaps a trip to the Bahamas, where you can meet up with a Don Juan and have lots and lots of mattress dancing with a stranger. Please don't be offended by this, I'm with you here. I wish for once in my entire life that I had extreemly down and steamy sex, enjoyed it, didn't cry or feel dirty afterwards, and had the guts to walk out the door afterwards. So, here is what I propose, lets take a trip to a foreign land, meet some Dons and get laid.
This is the end of the thread.
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