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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:11:47
As I've said in the past, I am worried about my ability to physically care for my father. Yesterday with the spectre of suppositories and breathing treatments, I began to think I might be able to do it. I spent hours yesterday sponging my father off to reduce his fever, and it felt more like caring for my son than my father. If worst came to worst, I might be able to change his diaper or give a suppository. I'm not sure what the emotional toll will be, because that probably won't show till later. But I think I *could* do it.
But my vomit phobia might get in the way of my caring for him in a number of circumstances. I can probably override it short term, but I don't want his health or life resting on my ability to override it, because I'm not that sure I can.
It's hard to find the sort of help he needs at home. I spent hours this morning trying unsuccessfully to line up someone for today after the support system my mother lined up failed as I predicted it would. She insists on looking after my dad with just her and a private worker, rather than an agency. That probably works out better than an agency short term. I like this woman. But she won't be here for Christmas, and in times of crisis, it makes it inordinately difficult to get anyone in. I finally decided this morning that if no one could come in, he'd have to go inpatient because I *couldn't* be relied on, as much as I'd like to be, when we couldn't find anyone.
This morning he had rallied enough that I guess it's ok for my mother to watch him. He ate a big breakfast, and doesn't seem to have a fever or severe trouble breathing.
But I don't know what to do. I want a grownup to tell me what to do.
Posted by alesta on December 12, 2004, at 14:37:56
In reply to Separate issue, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:11:47
hi dinah,
others will probably know much more than i do about your situation, and give better advice. but i'm in a helping mood so i'll give it a go. :)
i know you are overwhelmed. my aunts and uncles waited on my grandmother
night and day and couldn't handle it..and there were 8 of them! they finally put her in a nursing home and everyone was very relieved.i can't make your decision for you, but i think placing your father inpatient is a perfectly fine and decent thing to do.
and when you visit, your visits will be more heartfelt. as it is now, it seems that caring for your father is (naturally) just one big drudgery. he wouldn't want that for you. it sounds like a lot of very difficult demands have been placed on you for some time now, and you've probably handled them much longer than most people could've. i think it's time you give yourself a break. you're just waiting for someone to tell you it's ok, if it comes to that. Dinah, it's OK. :) Truly.take care,
amy
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 12, 2004, at 15:45:23
In reply to Separate issue, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:11:47
> It's hard to find the sort of help he needs at home. I spent hours this morning trying unsuccessfully to line up someone for today after the support system my mother lined up failed as I predicted it would. She insists on looking after my dad with just her and a private worker, rather than an agency. That probably works out better than an agency short term. I like this woman. But she won't be here for Christmas, and in times of crisis, it makes it inordinately difficult to get anyone in. I finally decided this morning that if no one could come in, he'd have to go inpatient because I *couldn't* be relied on, as much as I'd like to be, when we couldn't find anyone.
Again, I hope I can help clarify the decision tree.
With private care, you will be on your own at Christmas, and that will be very likely too much to bear. Your dad will have to go to hospital, if any unusual events unfold.
Alternatively, if an agency is engaged now, you will have assurance of care over Christmas, but at a higher cost, and less personal care.
I hope you will reconsider contracting with an agency, so that the burden on you is not overwhelming. You can still be supportive and caring if you are yourself not overwhelmed. And, you have your own family to consider at Christmas, not just your mom and dad.
I'm sure you want your dad at home on Christmas, if it is at all possible. It's pretty unlikely, if you don't get the agency in soon.
Lar
Posted by alesta on December 12, 2004, at 15:59:18
In reply to Separate issue, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:11:47
hi again di,
listen to lar. he's knowledgeable on this stuff. (i told ya others would probably have better advice than i.:) ) i tried, though! :-)
amy
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 16:16:50
In reply to Re: Separate issue » Dinah, posted by Larry Hoover on December 12, 2004, at 15:45:23
For some reasons the weekend sitters from the sitter service never came more than once. The service messed up some times. Other times it was clearly my mother's fault. She was determined to do it her way, with her handpicked helper. And since she gave in on having help, I gave in on who it was.
But I've seen the problems of not dealing with an agency from the start. The trouble is that nothing stays static. If Daddy starts to do better, he and mother will be adamant (and right short term at least) that they can get by with that one person. But in cases of Christmas and crisis, it has real drawbacks.
Do I have the strength of will to fight my mother again? Will she sabotage any arrangements I make if I do?
What you say makes absolute sense to me. And is in line with what I've tried off and on to do. I just have no stamina. :(
Thanks, Lar.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 16:20:40
In reply to Re: Separate issue » Dinah, posted by alesta on December 12, 2004, at 15:59:18
No, Amy. What you say has a lot of merit, and I'm coming to reluctantly recognize that because of the rapid progression of my father's disease combined with my mother's various illnesses, home health care for my father might not be feasible.
If things don't change soon at my parents house in terms of health and attitude, I may have to do a 180 and start campaigning for inpatient hospice care.
Posted by daisym on December 12, 2004, at 16:27:22
In reply to Re: Separate issue » alesta, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 16:20:40
I've talked about this with all of my parents and my husband's parents. None of them want me caring for them in a personal way because THEY are embarressed. Even if they are at a point mentally where they wouldn't be aware, they don't want me to have to remember this aspect of them. And I'm a caregiver and have NO problems with physical "ick".
My husband, on the other hand, trusts me to care for him. We've talked about this and it feels different somehow. Maybe because we've been so intimate in other ways? And it gives me something to do and makes me feel useful.
But I would never try to go it alone. I think you need back up to your back up in these situations.
Especially over the Holidays.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 17:07:02
In reply to Re: Separate issue » Dinah, posted by daisym on December 12, 2004, at 16:27:22
There seems to be this process going where I'm no longer seeing him as my Daddy, and I'm starting to see him as a helpless loved one. Not unlike my son as a baby. And I do have troubles with "ick". :(
At one time I didn't think I'd ever be able to get passed the taboos. Now I suspect I could. But maybe I'm deluding myself.
I don't delude myself about everything though. If caretaking starts falling into my phobia area, even if I can manage to overcome it, the price would probably be higher than I could pay.
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 12, 2004, at 17:50:43
In reply to I think I got tired of fighting » Larry Hoover, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 16:16:50
> What you say makes absolute sense to me. And is in line with what I've tried off and on to do. I just have no stamina. :(
Okay, let's make it really simple, then. Let's prepare your one-line speech. How about, "The only way we're going to get through Christmas together is by contracting with the agency right now."
Second line, if necessary, "I've already made the phone call."
What do you think?
> Thanks, Lar.
You're welcome.
Lar
Posted by TofuEmmy on December 12, 2004, at 18:16:08
In reply to I think I got tired of fighting » Larry Hoover, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 16:16:50
Dianh - How's about blaming it on Hospice? Where I worked, the social workers would arrange the agency home health aides. Can't Hospice help you out of this jam? You could say that Hospice insisted he have consistant care, and point out the holidays as the example
em
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 18:25:50
In reply to Re: I think I got tired of fighting » Dinah, posted by TofuEmmy on December 12, 2004, at 18:16:08
That's what I've been using as leverage. I wonder if they would cooperate...
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 18:26:22
In reply to Hmmm... Good idea., posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 18:25:50
My dratted brain!
Posted by TofuEmmy on December 12, 2004, at 18:44:23
In reply to Hmmm... Good idea., posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 18:25:50
Hospice staff are VERY used to dealing with uncooperative grumpy folk. ;-) I'll bet they'd gladly help with this situation. They should want your dad at home too - that's one of their main goals. And they will want him to have the best care while there.
emmy
Posted by gardenergirl on December 12, 2004, at 18:46:19
In reply to Above also for Emmy., posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 18:26:22
Emmy's point makes a lot of sense. And Lar's advice to act as if the decision were already made.
I just want to add that while I think it's a wonderful sign of adaptablity that you are feeling as if you could provide personal care for your father if needed, I think your concerns about the potential toll on you are valid. Also, given it is the holidays, I think it would be sad if you were too emotionally drained to spend some quality time with your family...your own and your parents. I say leave the personal caregiving to the pros, albeit they aren't consistent it seems :( and save your physical and emotional energy for more important caring...heart to heart with those who matter.
I'll keep sending you hopeful and helpful energy as best I can.
Take care,
gg
Posted by 64bowtie on December 13, 2004, at 1:44:37
In reply to for dinah, posted by gardenergirl on December 12, 2004, at 18:46:19
(((gg)))'s so good, isn't she?
(((Dinah))), if you could, we KNOW-! you would. Stand back and ask, "Is Dad better off with professionals till I can do it?" I hear you already saying, "...probably"!
Make it a goal to not be blackmailed by bad visions of stuff that hasn't happened yet. Make that a goal, please.
You know I love you and want only what's best for you.....
Rod
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 13, 2004, at 21:45:46
In reply to » (((Dinah))) » I second (((gg)))'s e-motions, posted by 64bowtie on December 13, 2004, at 1:44:37
Oh, Daddy's aren't supposed to die
I'm sorry Dinah
Posted by Dinah on December 15, 2004, at 7:57:33
In reply to Re: Oh Dinah, posted by Gabbix2 on December 13, 2004, at 21:45:46
No, they're not.
Thanks, Gabbi.
Posted by Glydin on December 15, 2004, at 16:33:17
In reply to Re: Oh Dinah » Gabbix2, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2004, at 7:57:33
I am so very sorry to hear of your Father's death.
Just so very sorry.
Thoughts to you and your family.
Posted by Dinah on December 16, 2004, at 21:21:05
In reply to Dinah, posted by Glydin on December 15, 2004, at 16:33:17
This is the end of the thread.
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