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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 21:44:38
OK I have grown to HATE the holidays since I have been married. When we lived away from family it seems hubby sulked cause it was JUST ME to spend it with... but he had fun at Christmas parties. He said Christmas was just another damn day to spend money and did the tree and all but sucked the joy out of holidays...Years pass....Now we have lived near family for 4 years and we have spent MOST of them with his family . They do not dislike me but in 11 years no birthday cards zip just polite to nice when we see them....what family I do have is very nice to him and all. The last 2 holidays we called to let them know we were on our way and no kidding all left but his mom and dad (dysfunctional) ...THEY LEFT MID MEAL (over him not me)...I have nothing against mom and dad but they are strangers to me and don't care to know me....I have gone ill and all just out of respect and cause they could die and all..I am nice, fun and helpful....but tired of all my holidays sucking just so they can see HIM...most of my famiy is deceased. I told hubby tonight I just don't wanna fake it no more and he can go himself (said not mean but sincere)....Seems to me when we moved closer to mom and dad we agreed we would not spend all our holidays there but you know ...we do....and I want to start new traditions or just stay home..I said last year next year lets have all but those who ran and what family I have over to our place so we aren't always running..My T has told me do what I would like to do....but I feel guilty
:( WHY CAN'T I HAVE A FUN OR DECENT HOLIDAY ANYMORE without hurting anyone? If I do not go hubby will not go ...he should his folks are old and would love to see him...I wish we had not moved at least my bad holidays were guilt free.,,,,,help...should I go???? Hubby said it may be their last holiday but then you get...its moms first alone holiday or dads..it will never end....what a mess :*(
Posted by Susan47 on November 24, 2004, at 23:34:11
In reply to How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 21:44:38
How can you .... without hurting people? Because as long as we're alive most of us will be hurting someone, it's not because of anything we necessarily did though, it's just a fact of life. You can't control anyone else's pain.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 23:45:20
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS » Fallen4MyT, posted by Susan47 on November 24, 2004, at 23:34:11
Thanks Susan and that is part of the problem I just cannot seem to do anything right ...I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't..I do not want to go but if I don't his folks will be sad and he will too but then the flip side is...what about ME? And why can't he say I am sick and go himself? I am always going and doing for even people who would not do the same for me and it's driving me nuts or nuttier lately :) Really, I have a hard time with this and cannot seem to balance it or do it right and I am sick of living for others but when I live for me I feel guilty..How do people stop that I wonder
> How can you .... without hurting people? Because as long as we're alive most of us will be hurting someone, it's not because of anything we necessarily did though, it's just a fact of life. You can't control anyone else's pain.
Posted by Susan47 on November 24, 2004, at 23:54:45
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS » Susan47, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 23:45:20
IMO if you want to stop you have to not feel guilty anymore.
And do what's right for you. And if you're truly loved, those people will be understanding. imo. ANd if they're not understanding, to heck with it, do what's right for you. It's your life your living, they live theirs, you live yours. Why can't you be a partner in choosing what's right for you, why do you have to be the serf?
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 1:11:28
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS, posted by Susan47 on November 24, 2004, at 23:54:45
I totally agree with you well, one side of me..the rational one :-) It is just that I KNOW that the people I spend hoidays with the last so many years do NOT care about me they see me only because I am the ticket to get their son in the door..Why he doesn't go without me now and then is beyond me...there is no need for me to go I only go because if I do not HE won't and they are old ..if he don't go and they die I will feel like its my fault I ruined that last holiday..YET I also feel he has a choice to go or not.. .see that circle thinking of guilt?..I have asked to go to see my friend on holidays and we do not go cause he doesn't care how my holidays are. I have grown to hate the holidays and only do to avoid the guilt it is not like hubby and I have good holidays he has stolen and other bad things on holidays so why I bother to please his folks is beyond me. If I could do the holiday like I want guilt free it would be with my pets and best friend ..I lost a better reply to you but basically they do not love me nor have a reason to they do not know nor want to know me...Gosh I am a loon!! So I wonder how to not feel guilty
> IMO if you want to stop you have to not feel guilty anymore.
> And do what's right for you. And if you're truly loved, those people will be understanding. imo. ANd if they're not understanding, to heck with it, do what's right for you. It's your life your living, they live theirs, you live yours. Why can't you be a partner in choosing what's right for you, why do you have to be the serf?
Posted by Poet on November 25, 2004, at 2:04:32
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS » Susan47, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 1:11:28
You're not a loon, you're feeling guilty if you don't go, but miserable if you do. That's not crazy, it's human.
Can you talk to your husband about how pressured you feel? Maybe he does care, but doesn't understand? It's his parents who use you to get to him, that's incredibly hard on you. If my husband's family did that to me, I'd tell him how I feel.
Your feelings count. Best of luck
Poet
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 2:18:03
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS, posted by Poet on November 25, 2004, at 2:04:32
Thanks Poet and I did tell hubby ..I also told him truthfully that I didn't mind if he went alone that would be good and take the pressure to pretend off me...I told him I do not blame his folks for not caring about me cause I know they do not know me how could they we hardly know one another and I feel the same about them.
My husband hates holidays and has done things like take money to buy me a Christmas gift then use it for him and hide it...I really do not think he cares for how I feel. I have tried to do a new tradition per my T so we can all see one another near the holidays but not right on and he blocks them all. I do not like feeling so human
:-) It is hard for me to be selfish I think this is the first year I have been and it is hard for me. I would not even mind being with my friends and seeing some extended family near Christmas and not seeing hubby while he sees his folks. It is like he cannot stand the thought of just a holiday with just us yet I am the one who entertains and cleans and stuff at his folks he sits quiet...I pray I feel no guilt..wish me luck> You're not a loon, you're feeling guilty if you don't go, but miserable if you do. That's not crazy, it's human.
>
> Can you talk to your husband about how pressured you feel? Maybe he does care, but doesn't understand? It's his parents who use you to get to him, that's incredibly hard on you. If my husband's family did that to me, I'd tell him how I feel.
>
> Your feelings count. Best of luck
>
> Poet
>
>
Posted by anastasia56 on November 28, 2004, at 10:51:53
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS » Poet, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 2:18:03
I know exactly how you feel. My mother in law is 89 and I am the ticket to seeing her son most of the time. She is perfectly decent to me but I do know he would not be sitting across the dinner table with her at IHOP as many times as we do if I did not agree to come with. He can't handle her too frequently without a buffer. Is that the role you play for your husband with his family? You take the pressure off him with them? You answer the questions that have driven him crazy since he was a child that they ask?
I finally told my husband I could not go on another shopping expedition with her and him as I wasn't a big 'shopper' person. I didn't want to add that I nearly choked myself after the last one it was so torturous.
My explanation was that it was good for him to spend some one on one time with his mother without me there. That way they could chat more and after all, she wasn't getting any younger and she really loves him and enjoys their time together, etc, etc.
Perhaps you could try that with the holidays. It would be nice if your husband could have some time alone with his family...some quality time. As you said, when you are there he just sits back and doesn't seem to interact.
My mother has declared she will not spend another holiday with my husbands family and would like to spend future holidays alone. I'm still working on figuring out what to do with that little nugget of info as I don't want her and I to not be together for Christmas. Still, it is her choice and I have to respect that...just as your husband should realize he needs to respect your feelings. That plus any guilt you pile on him regarding how much his family loves him, may get him to the table with them and without you. Hope this helps!
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 1:42:09
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS, posted by anastasia56 on November 28, 2004, at 10:51:53
Hi Anstasia56, I honestly do not know what my role is with or for him. His dad has stopped in to see him at work a few times and I am not there lol and he was fine...WHEN he talks with his mom and dad he has a nice time and they are nice so it's not a case of needing a ref or anything. It is almost and I am not sure on this like he is uncomfortable seeing them alone. So I go JUST so they get to see their son or he would not go. He was married before and I know he saw mom and dad between wives (she died) so he is capable but why he has to drag me to see them I do not know. I don't want my holidays stinking of anxiety and all JUST so he will go see them. He is a grown man and can go on his own. I asked him to go ahead on Thanksgiving but he didnt he didnt even CALL them. He is odd, if it were my mom and or dad and I wanted to see them on the holiday (they passed away) I would go for a couple hours without him gladly in fact..Its like if I do not go me and his parents get punished , they do not get to see their son and I feel guilty. I even went one year with bronchitis and was so sick if I didn't go he said he would not go...I do not want to go Christmas..if I don't he won't that is silly to me and it's ...........stressing me to death...Thank you I am glad you understand this and you may have a good point that I buffer SOMETHING for him but...what? His folks adore him. I am sure I would not be missed and they would understand if he said I was ill or seeing someone I know, so HE could see them.....
I think I am staying home this Christmas I PRAY he sees his folks for a few hours ....but I have a very ill cat that will not be with me next year and to be honest want to be with him not sitting with strangers JUST so hubby will go see his folks. I AM SOOOO STRESSED ON THIS BECAUSE HE WILL NOT GO WITHOUT ME AND WILL NOT CALL THEM ....
On your mom...I do not know what the circumstances are but can you drop by to see her before or after you see his family or the day before?
God I hope I stick to my guns..I could fake ill but that is not like me.OMG I AM BABBLING ON...BABBLE :)
Posted by anastasia56 on November 29, 2004, at 18:00:42
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS » anastasia56, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 1:42:09
you nailed it when you said it is like your husband is uncomfortable seeing his parents on his own. That is exactly the description i would give of my husband with his mother. She adores him and I know he is capable of being alone with her and talking.
I hope you can be strong. I'm not sure what my shrink would say in this situation. All the guilt you are carrying about this doesn't seem right, like it shouldn't be your guilt. Maybe you should concentrate on making him feel guilty since they are his parents and he doesn't seem to feel responsible for fulfilling any family obligations? just whack me if i'm out of line.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 18:21:10
In reply to Re: How aweful is this? or...is it? HELP PLS, posted by anastasia56 on November 29, 2004, at 18:00:42
Hahahaha I do not whack people I would feel too guilty :P and you're most likely correct. It's just so hard for me to understand WHY he is uncomfortable to that level with perfectly nice parents. They are old too so if I were him I would be afraid NOT to see them in case ya know. I see my T tomorrow and MAY cover some of this but it's crazy making for me. I do not think this man feels any guilt not being flip here but he has done a lot of really bad things and didn't care, I would bet you the farm he will blame someone else maybe me for his choices I saw him do that when he lost his job after being warned 3 times. He still blames his boss and said I woudn't let him get enough sleep lol...duh... I too do not think it is fair to expect me to go and this has me on a high stress alert. My husband all in all is a-moral so I am not too happy with him. Like when I broke my hand and asked him to zip my coat he said "Do it with your other hand" he is just.....off or ?
Thanks :)
> you nailed it when you said it is like your husband is uncomfortable seeing his parents on his own. That is exactly the description i would give of my husband with his mother. She adores him and I know he is capable of being alone with her and talking.
>
> I hope you can be strong. I'm not sure what my shrink would say in this situation. All the guilt you are carrying about this doesn't seem right, like it shouldn't be your guilt. Maybe you should concentrate on making him feel guilty since they are his parents and he doesn't seem to feel responsible for fulfilling any family obligations? just whack me if i'm out of line.
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