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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
my bf and i just had a terrible fight..i usually don't speak up to him but just take it..i spoke up and all hell broke loose..he said such horrible things to me in a really mean voice and kicked the door in really hard and it hit me. i can't take this anymore..i have no resources and nowhere to go and a bad knee (chondromalacia) so i can't lift anything remotely heavy so i don't know how i'd even get my stuff out of here..i have no family to turn to..my bf said how much i get on his nerves, called me a cunt, worthless, critized me all that (the usual). he looks at me with such hate and i hear it in his voice. i asked him how he could talk to me like that..where's his compassion..i get nowhere..i was hysterical..
i have suffered for so long, i'm developing a soreness in my fingers, which i think is arthritis..i'm only 32..i'm totally stuck..there's no way out..i've been hanging in there for so long..suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem for many-for me..it has been a permanent problem..13 years of pure hell..why should i have to take this anymore..where are my rights? i always think of how much it would hurt my parents, even though they've been horrible to me and i'm not in contact with them..but they have put me through hell, too..why don't my feelings matter? i've stayed alive for them for so long even though they're #$$holes..i've suffered so long..i feel like maybe i'm meant to end it..i'm not being irrational here..i just can't stand this anymore..i am in hell..who am i kidding..my bf even told me to kill myself. although i'd never do something b/c he suggested it..boy, i sound so pitiful..but i have been through hell on earth and i've had enough. whenever i get some kind of opening something bad happens..my bf disgusts me..i haven't had sex with him in a while..i told him he needs to be nice to me..he said if i did he would get the stuff i need at the drugstore..now he has gone back on his word..i am so disgusted..this is so personal and humiliating to say all this, but i have to..most people would have given up a long time ago..i'm so sorry to put this shit on you people..no one can help me..i just had to post this..sorry if i depressed anyone. i look so young but my body feels really old..as well as my soul..
Posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 11:09:44
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
Posted by ron1953 on October 6, 2004, at 12:42:17
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
Dear Amy,
Regardless of anything else, your boyfriend's abuse, especially physical, cannot be tolerated. You are in danger because of his lack of self-control. There are shelters for abused women almost everywhere. Maybe that's the best thing for you to do now to get out of your situation. Please think about it. If you're too upset to look up a shelter, or your boyfriend is keeping you from using the phone or computer, let me know where you live, and I'll find one for you. As a last resort, if he hurts you again, call the police and have him arrested for assault.
I'm really concerned about your welfare and will do anything I can to help. If you want my email address or telephone number, send me a Babble Mail message. Amy, suicide is not the answer.
Hang tight,
Ron
Posted by Fi on October 6, 2004, at 14:32:02
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
Your boyfriend is an @$&!!$* (to put it mildly!) You need to get somewhere else? Anyone who actually says you should kill yourself is absolute poison for you. Dont give him the satisfaction. Get mad, not depressed.
I realise you dont have family- any friends? Womens helpline (or domestic violence or whatever)? Social worker? Doctor? Free legal centre (if you want to see if you can chuck him out of the house)? Womens refuge? OK, you cant lift anyhing heavy. You can still leave if you want to. Can you pack the things that are most important to you in (say) several carrier bags that you can move one at a time,so someone can come and pick you up in a car?
Of course, I have no idea how things really are and how ridiculous these options may sound. But please dont dismiss the idea of change completely. And do ring a crisis/suicide hotline if you need to. To quote that awful advert, you have every right to take care of yourself and take action 'because I'm worth it'!
Hang on in there!
Fi
Posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 15:05:45
In reply to Re: losing it » alesta, posted by Fi on October 6, 2004, at 14:32:02
hi y'all,
*really* sorry if i concerned you..thanks much for your replies. things have calmed down considerably.:) i was just out of my mind in hysterics earlier. maybe i shouldn't post in such a state. i promise i'm not going to give up. i've been through so much that to quit now just isn't happenin'. i have actually fully recovered from that emotional episode and am back to my normal self now.
please don't worry, he is rarely physically abusive. he prefers to hurt me with words. i'm going to stay disengaged until i can get out of here. trust me, i'm not in any danger.
it's nice to have your support. i'm really doing okay now. pinky swear! if i ever need anything, i will get in contact. i always used to wonder why women stayed in these type of situations..now i know why..they either have no resources, or they're totally broken. i am the former, luckily. thanks so much for caring! :):) i'm glad to know y'all. :)
take care! :-)
amy
Posted by Emme on October 6, 2004, at 15:08:41
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
This is bad. You are not this man's dumping ground. You must get out of there. Now. As the others wrote, please get yourself to a women's shelter. Call the operator. Look in the phone book. Go and ask the police where to find one. If you have little support in your life at the moment, step one is getting yourself to a safe place where there will be some support. I know you feel like suicide is a potential option and that you feel trapped. But you haven't yet exhausted all other options. Do exactly one thing today and find a safe shelter and keep letting us know how you are doing.
Emme
Posted by Emme on October 6, 2004, at 15:18:49
In reply to Re: losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 15:05:45
Amy,
> please don't worry, he is rarely physically abusive. he prefers to hurt me with words. i'm going to stay disengaged until i can get out of here. trust me, i'm not in any danger."Rarely" is unacceptable. There's the possibility he could do it again. Not to mention the toll the emotional abuse is taking. Just because things have calmed down at this moment doesn't mean you should stay there.
> i always used to wonder why women stayed in these type of situations..now i know why..they either have no resources, or they're totally broken. i am the former, luckily. thanks so much for caring! :):) i'm glad to know y'all. :)
You are lacking in fiscal resources, etc. That's not a good situation. But you are also getting your emotional resources constantly attacked, not to mention the physical danger. Better to be without resources in a safe place than without resources with an abusive man. I do wish you'd consider leaving now.
Em
Posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 16:14:51
In reply to Re: losing it » alesta, posted by Emme on October 6, 2004, at 15:18:49
thanks, emme.:) i hear you; i know this sounds bad..i just really don't want to go to a homeless shelter. i just really think it's best for me to stay until i get things situated..i have a choice between being homeless with no hope of escaping that or temporary intermittent emotional damage. it's hard to explain but i just know this is the best choice for me right now. i am going to leave him soon. thanks much for your concern and advice.:) but i promise my life is not in danger or anything. i've never worried about that. i hope this might make sense..
take care,:)
amy
Posted by Emme on October 6, 2004, at 18:29:30
In reply to Re: losing it » Emme, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 16:14:51
> thanks, emme.:) i hear you; i know this sounds bad..i just really don't want to go to a homeless shelter.
Remember, a shelter for women who are experiencing domestic abuse is NOT the same thing as a homeless shelter. You would have access to legal services, counseling, job training, various social programs. Some have transitional services where you'd have some sort of apartment-type housing while getting on your feet. You'd have support available.
It's not fair for you to have to deal with an abusive situation on your own and you deserve to have some people in there helping you.
> i am going to leave him soon.
How soon? Do you have an anticipated time frame?
> thanks much for your concern and advice.:) but i promise my life is not in danger or anything. i've never worried about that. i hope this might make sense..
Please keep this number on hand:
1-800-799-7233
It is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (24 hours) You can call them even if you just want someone to talk to. And if you want a place to go, they can look it up for your area.Be safe,
Emme
Posted by Catgirl on October 6, 2004, at 19:28:11
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
Amy,
If you are not leaving now, do you have a plan to leave? I can speak from experience that these things do not get better on their own.
After big blow-ups, couples sometimes have a "honeymoon" period where things seem fine but they don't last.
Emme is right, a women's shelter and a homeless shelter are not the same thing.
A lot of people here care for you, so please care for yourself also.(((Amy)))
CG
Posted by jlynne on October 6, 2004, at 19:36:48
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
Posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 22:24:26
In reply to ((((Amy)))) (nm), posted by jlynne on October 6, 2004, at 19:36:48
Posted by saw on October 7, 2004, at 1:44:20
In reply to losing it, posted by alesta on October 6, 2004, at 10:53:06
Oh Amy,I see a classic and old age pattern emerging. I was trapped in exactly the same thing. The emotional and verbal abuse you are receiving is letting you believe that you deserve what you are getting. How many times can one be called worthless before they actually start to believe it?
You are staying in your situation because you think you don't deserve any better. I do not believe that you love this man. And clearly, he does not love you. You are suffering a great deal of humiliation and shame because of him. He is degrading and awful to you. Now while you might already realise that, you need to start believing it too. And somehow, and I say somehow because it's the one of the hardest things to do and one only you can do by yourself, you need to start believing that you ARE worthwhile and that you DO deserve better. When you are able to believe this, you will start to find the strength you need to get him out of your life and move on.
I am with everyone on the advice that you should leave, or kick him out, however, I realise that it is much more complicated than that. I've been there. Just leaving doesn't seem to be an option and yes, not being able to explain it is quite true. I even tried to justify my ex husband's behaviour by blaming myself. I would cover up for him and make excuses all the time. I knew that I should leave him but just did not have the strength to do it because I BELIEVED that I was the "worthless f*$%ng c@*nt b1tch" he so loved to call me. It took a long time, but eventually, and I have NO idea how, I began to believe that I did have more worth than that and that I DID NOT deserve what he was doing to me, even if I provoked it. When this slow process started, I was able to build up the strength it took to divorce him.
I don't know if I have made sense to you or not. And it is not my intention to tell you what to do. Only you can decide what you want to do anyway. I get a strong feeling that you *want* (I use the word very carefully) to stay where you are because you don't think you can have any better.
Well Amy, you can have better, you do deserve better and when you believe that, really believe it, you will be strong enough to reach out for what is better.
Sending you double doses of strength
Sabrina
Posted by alesta on October 7, 2004, at 2:30:47
In reply to Re: losing it » alesta, posted by saw on October 7, 2004, at 1:44:20
hi, sabrina, :)
thanks for your advice..i'll keep that in mind..maybe you're seeing something from the outside about me that i don't, but i honestly think that if i had the resources i'd be gone (i didn't used to feel that way, though.) but maybe you're right. i don't know. it's weird when you don't even know what your own true intentions are..but honestly i think i'm ready to leave..i guess we'll see..but you definitely can relate, i see..my boyfriend calls me that exact same line you mentioned..and everything is a 4-letter word.i looked up info on the internet and he fits the profile of a misogynist to a T. perhaps most abusers are misogynists..anyway, i'm trying not to focus on and research about him or our situation because somehow it makes me feel worse. Thanks for sharing and sending me strength! ;)
take care,
amy
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