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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on September 12, 2004, at 21:39:42
A guy I dated became emotionally open really fast. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around, and he said he "wasn't ready" to have sex with me. Closeness developed pretty quickly, even though we only dated a few times. But then, apparently out of his admitted fear of being used by women, he backs off suddenly. He said "It feels hollow when we're together. I'm not sure there's even a friendship there. That's why I'm putting some distance between us." He said he didn't want to do anything else physical or to see me frequently, but that he "wasn't going anywhere." He also said he wasn't happy with his life right now. I did start crying on the phone when he told me all this, and I said that I had strong feelings for him.
He told me he would visit me while I was stuck at home after my foot surgery, but I have not seen or heard from him. He won't even reply to my emails. I think that is so crappy and cold. My feeling is that if he doesn't want to see me, he should give me a verbal explanation, and not do a disappearing act. Especially after telling me that he would come and see me when I was suffering after my surgery. He has just left me hanging, wondering what's going on. I think it's cowardly, selfish, and uncompassionate. I'm really tired of men who are really scared little boys. Aren't there any grown men around, emotionally mature men who know how to handle relationships and treat a woman right? I want a man with a capital "M".
I'd like to hear you guys' thoughts on all this.
Posted by Angela2 on September 13, 2004, at 15:09:39
In reply to What do you guys think of a man like this?, posted by PhoenixGirl on September 12, 2004, at 21:39:42
Maybe email is not the right way to go about it. Maybe you should call him. He can't ignore a phone call. It seems like, by reading your post, that he is pushing you away. But it also seems like you need to know for sure. There aren't always "good" reasons why people push us away. Sometimes they simply aren't interested. Maybe you will find your answer if you call him. Then again, you said that not responding to your emails was cold of him, and you are probably right. This is just my two cents.
Angela
Posted by karaS on September 13, 2004, at 17:01:51
In reply to What do you guys think of a man like this?, posted by PhoenixGirl on September 12, 2004, at 21:39:42
> A guy I dated became emotionally open really fast. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around, and he said he "wasn't ready" to have sex with me. Closeness developed pretty quickly, even though we only dated a few times. But then, apparently out of his admitted fear of being used by women, he backs off suddenly. He said "It feels hollow when we're together. I'm not sure there's even a friendship there. That's why I'm putting some distance between us." He said he didn't want to do anything else physical or to see me frequently, but that he "wasn't going anywhere." He also said he wasn't happy with his life right now. I did start crying on the phone when he told me all this, and I said that I had strong feelings for him.
> He told me he would visit me while I was stuck at home after my foot surgery, but I have not seen or heard from him. He won't even reply to my emails. I think that is so crappy and cold. My feeling is that if he doesn't want to see me, he should give me a verbal explanation, and not do a disappearing act. Especially after telling me that he would come and see me when I was suffering after my surgery. He has just left me hanging, wondering what's going on. I think it's cowardly, selfish, and uncompassionate. I'm really tired of men who are really scared little boys. Aren't there any grown men around, emotionally mature men who know how to handle relationships and treat a woman right? I want a man with a capital "M".
> I'd like to hear you guys' thoughts on all this.
I think guys like that are a dime a dozen. My advice would be to move on. Don't waste anymore precious time or energy on him. If something is good and meant to be, then it's easy and it works out.Just my two cents worth...
Posted by PhoenixGirl on September 13, 2004, at 20:54:48
In reply to Re: What do you guys think of a man like this? » PhoenixGirl, posted by karaS on September 13, 2004, at 17:01:51
Well, he finally contacted me - by email. He wrote this distant sounding email that said that he wanted to focus on his career and not a relationship. He said that he has isolated himself from everyone except people who are work-related. The email was mostly self-absorbed, until the end, when he did say that he didn't mean to cause me emotional pain and that he hopes I find someone who will appreciate my "beautiful qualities". That doesn't quite cut it for me, because he should have at least spoken to me on the phone, or better yet in person. Sending an email is cowardly. And he didn't apologize for completely ignoring me after I had my foot surgery, even though he had told me he would visit me after the surgery. He signed the email with "Sincerely". What the hell is with that??
I wrote back and told him that I understand what he's saying, but that it was wrong to ignore me after my surgery, and overall I was kinder to him than he's been to me. I noted also that we don't have many interests in common. I told him that I hoped he succeeds in his career, doesn't isolate himself so much, and sees a therapist for his emotional troubles.
The whole situation just sucks. The disappointment and hurt of it all. I guess I have some more frogs to go through before I find the prince.
Posted by karaS on September 14, 2004, at 0:33:48
In reply to update, posted by PhoenixGirl on September 13, 2004, at 20:54:48
> Well, he finally contacted me - by email. He wrote this distant sounding email that said that he wanted to focus on his career and not a relationship. He said that he has isolated himself from everyone except people who are work-related. The email was mostly self-absorbed, until the end, when he did say that he didn't mean to cause me emotional pain and that he hopes I find someone who will appreciate my "beautiful qualities". That doesn't quite cut it for me, because he should have at least spoken to me on the phone, or better yet in person. Sending an email is cowardly. And he didn't apologize for completely ignoring me after I had my foot surgery, even though he had told me he would visit me after the surgery. He signed the email with "Sincerely". What the hell is with that??
> I wrote back and told him that I understand what he's saying, but that it was wrong to ignore me after my surgery, and overall I was kinder to him than he's been to me. I noted also that we don't have many interests in common. I told him that I hoped he succeeds in his career, doesn't isolate himself so much, and sees a therapist for his emotional troubles.
> The whole situation just sucks. The disappointment and hurt of it all. I guess I have some more frogs to go through before I find the prince.
Good riddance to bad news! You deserve better!Kara
(Sorry to be so blunt. Guess I'm just terribly jaded.)
Posted by iris2 on September 15, 2004, at 0:46:04
In reply to What do you guys think of a man like this?, posted by PhoenixGirl on September 12, 2004, at 21:39:42
I dated a guy that got real close in about three months he was talking marriage. Then suddenly he stopped all communication. I was really hurt. For the last three years or so I call him every 3 to 6 months and he will start to call back like every day for two or three weeks. I usually see him once or twice during this time and then he stops all communication all over again and I get hurt again. Not as much like the first time. Thing is I really feel like I love the guy. He is the only person I ever felt comfortable with in my whole life physically. I am weird about touching usually. I do not like anyone to touch me at all man or woman and I liked it when he touched me. I am just talking like even just to hold hands or sit close not just sex. But that was a big thing about it all too. He is the only man I ever felt like I wanted. I was not being pushed into it or even feeling used or raped. I really miss him. He always has a reason for not calling and the last couple times said how sorry he was and he would not do it again. He did though. He says he is not using me and that the things that happen in his life he cannot share with me and closes up. What would have happened if I had said yes and married him when he was talking about it? Sometimes I think I wish I would have. Perhaps he would be sharing his life with me now.
Am I being totally irrational?
Advice, even if it is not what I might want to hear would be appreciated.
irene
Posted by PhoenixGirl on September 15, 2004, at 19:56:03
In reply to Re: What do you guys think of a man like this? » PhoenixGirl, posted by iris2 on September 15, 2004, at 0:46:04
It sounds like the guy has emotional problems that are interfering with his ability to have a relationship. If he's not comfortable talking to you about it, maybe you could suggest couples' therapy. I think you guys have to work on the issue that's making him withdraw all the time, or else it will keep happening. Unfortunately, a lot of this may be out of your hands if he won't talk to you or go to couples' therapy.
Dating other guys might give you some perspective, so your mind won't be stuck on this one as much. Filling your life with other things. That's my thought anyway.> I dated a guy that got real close in about three months he was talking marriage. Then suddenly he stopped all communication. I was really hurt. For the last three years or so I call him every 3 to 6 months and he will start to call back like every day for two or three weeks. I usually see him once or twice during this time and then he stops all communication all over again and I get hurt again. Not as much like the first time. Thing is I really feel like I love the guy. He is the only person I ever felt comfortable with in my whole life physically. I am weird about touching usually. I do not like anyone to touch me at all man or woman and I liked it when he touched me. I am just talking like even just to hold hands or sit close not just sex. But that was a big thing about it all too. He is the only man I ever felt like I wanted. I was not being pushed into it or even feeling used or raped. I really miss him. He always has a reason for not calling and the last couple times said how sorry he was and he would not do it again. He did though. He says he is not using me and that the things that happen in his life he cannot share with me and closes up. What would have happened if I had said yes and married him when he was talking about it? Sometimes I think I wish I would have. Perhaps he would be sharing his life with me now.
>
> Am I being totally irrational?
>
> Advice, even if it is not what I might want to hear would be appreciated.
>
> irene
>
Posted by iris2 on September 15, 2004, at 20:19:18
In reply to Re: What do you guys think of a man like this?, posted by PhoenixGirl on September 15, 2004, at 19:56:03
I pretty much thought he had emotional issues. In fact the last time I saw him and he brought up how depressed he had been about a particular incident I asked him if he had gotten any therapy. He told me he had talked to someone but the therapist thought he was not depressed but going through normal grief. I agree with you about seeing other people. I guess a large part of the problem is my depression and not getting out to meet anyone knew.
Thanks for the advice. Sometimes we kind of know the answer but do not like it. Hearing it from someone else really reinforces it and gives me a better perspective. I need to stop the wishful thinking. It is a waste of my time and energy.
This is the end of the thread.
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