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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghost on September 11, 2004, at 4:24:12
i arrived in kalamazoo this morning (after driving all night) after getting my crap on a moving truck, seeing a special someone one more time, having a mini-early-birthday party. i start my job on monday. i don't want to talk about my nerves.
i got back together with my exgf... we dated for 3.5 years and i called it off a year ago when i went to grad school and our relationship was slowly dying anyway (we both needed emotional help, i won't get into teh details). the past year has been horrible for both of us. i wound up in the hospital, she wound up in outpatient treatment. we both went crazy this year. i missed her. she said i could have her back anytime i wanted. we got back together. seemed logical.
the thought of me going to michigan while she remained in connecticut killed me. we discussed the options. she decided to leave her job and come out with me (it'll give her time to reevaluate her situation in a low-stress life, too)... i'm paranoid that if she hates it, she'll resent me for it, but i'm trying to get over my paranoia about things (which seems to only be getting worse).
it'll be good for both of us i think. so we're not alone any more. being alone probably didn't help either of our situations. we can check up on each other, support each other, and now remind each other to take our meds. we were always a good support system for each other in college. it was a big mistake for me to call things off when i went to grad school, and i regret it every second i'm reminded of it.
i worry about myself most days lately... i'm having more incidents with hearing voices, and they're telling me things i don't want to repeat. sometimes they're telling me to do things (something that's never happened before) and sometmes they're just telling me things so awful i won't even write them in my paper journal. i haven't been taking the anti-psychotic, though (too expensive), so i hope to hell i can find a pdoc soon after monday, when my insurance starts. but things clearly need to be adjusted-- there's no way that the little dose i was on before would combat what they've become now.
i started a depressive downswing last night and it only got worse though the night (i was up all night driving, like i said) and this morning i felt just terrible. i tried to sleep (xanax and ambien-- what did the trick since i've been out of the hospital) but i only got 3 hours of sleep from it. i felt like i had enough drugs in me to knock out a horse, and i was dopey, but wide awake. i stayed up tonight to listen to an internet radio show that usually puts me in a good mood and dozed off and on through that... i might be able to sleep now that it's over (it's after 5am)... i know i have to get back on a regular schedule SOON since i start work monday, too.
i don't really know what to do. i want to find a pdoc who also does therapy (since having a separate T and pdoc doesn't seem helpful to me) but am not sure how to go about doing that. plus i don't really want to explain my problems to my boss so it'd be nice if i could get super early or super late appointments so they don't have to know the details of my life if i sneak out for an hour midday once a week.
i know i need to see someone though. between the voices and my extremely fragile moods, i can see things unravelling out of control. and right now i canNOT lose control. there's too much riding on this new job and new living situation.
it's after 5am and i'm finally dozing off at the keyboard...
ghost
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2004, at 8:50:31
In reply to sort of an update, posted by ghost on September 11, 2004, at 4:24:12
It's good to see you again. I'm glad you're putting finding a pdoc and getting meds at the top of your priority list. I think I'd get that taken care of before I started serious pdoc or therapist shopping. Because if you don't like the first one, you can always shop around for another. But I would imagine that working without medication is going to be difficult.
I hope you're taking good care of yourself in the meantime.
(I would suggest you look for an agency that would provide medications for those without resources and call your old pdoc to send a prescription for enough to tide you over, but I'm pretty sure you explained once why that was impossible?)
Posted by TexasChic on September 11, 2004, at 10:10:12
In reply to sort of an update, posted by ghost on September 11, 2004, at 4:24:12
Hey ghost. You certainly have alot on your plate! Try not to be so hard on yourself for freaking out a little. I certainly would be!
As for the voices, it sounds like its from the lack of the anti-psychotic. I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but I truly believe this sort of thing has a physical cause. And going through such big changes would naturally exasperate it. Those voices are saying terrible things because you're so stressed. I have a problem with having awful images come into my head of something tragic happening to my loved ones (usually my 6 year old nephew). It actually makes me cry sometimes. I don't really know the logic of us seeing or hearing awful things like this, I'm sure there is a scientific explanation. Its definitely not because we 'want' these thing to happen. Its just our brains expressing our stress somehow.
You have a whole new world opening up to you. Of course this much change is scary, but think of all the good and exciting things that will come from this. I mean, a great new job with a new start in a new state, you and your girlfriend getting back together, you have the world at your feet! Such exciting possibilities. I hope you get your medication soon, but in the meantime, try your best to just enjoy the moment. We're all routing for you!
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 11, 2004, at 12:27:35
In reply to sort of an update, posted by ghost on September 11, 2004, at 4:24:12
Hey lady!
I'm glad you got to Michigan safely, I think you'll find it a nice place to live.... though the Northease will miss you.
I'm also glad that you won't be living alone. As my T kept telling me..... living alone isn't really safe when you're sick. I really hope that you can find a way to deal with the voices. It sounds like you know that they aren't 'you', and that's a good thing. I hope that you find an appointment real soon to deal with that, and that you can get back on some antipsychotics. You shouldn't have to live like that.
I hope that things go well on Monday. You seem like a conscientious hard-worker. The company you work for is blessed.
Take care,
Dee.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 12, 2004, at 22:05:41
In reply to Re: sort of an update, posted by deirdrehbrt on September 11, 2004, at 12:27:35
Ghost,
I'm glad you made the trip safely. I used to live near there, and if I can think of any fun things to do in K-zoo, I'll let you know. (There ARE many, just kind of brain-fried at the moment.)It sounds like despite the emotinal setback you are having, that you have a very good plan to cope with it. Good luck tomorrow on your new job. I'm sure they will find themselves jumping for joy to have you on the team. And I'm sure you will do wonderfully.
Take care of yourself and enjoy your new home and renewed relationship!
gg
Posted by partlycloudy on September 13, 2004, at 7:10:09
In reply to sort of an update, posted by ghost on September 11, 2004, at 4:24:12
Ghost, great to hear from you - make sure you make your health and wellbeing your first priority! Good luck on the job.
pc
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