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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 13:45:35
I haven't seen you on board or in Open lately.
I hope you're off enjoying yourself - the best reason to not be around much.
Posted by mair on August 20, 2004, at 16:40:52
In reply to Daisy? Are you ok?, posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 13:45:35
Posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
In reply to Daisy? Are you ok?, posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 13:45:35
...but I'm really trying not to fragment completely. I had to fly east for a family emergency early this week. Which means staying at my dad's house. First time in 5 years. My husband couldn't come but I made my big brother. I'm not sleeping at all, I miss my Therapist horribly and I'm withdrawn so far in myself I can't see how I'll ever open up to him again. He doesn't know I'm here, he doesn't know what happened. He left me before all of this. To make matters worse, my dad pulled out a ton of old photo's today he wanted to share...of me as a young child with my siblings and old houses we use to live in. Yesterday he took my brother and me to see our old house out here. He is really trying. But if you've read any of my posts, you know that walking through our old houses is one of the techniques my therapist has used to get some of this out. So I feel like I'm being emotionally tortured. And he doesn't even know it...he just doesn't. It's like a switch flipped for him when I was 22 and everything prior didn't happen. And I'm glad he's changed. But right now, I can't cope with all of this. I feel the weight of the depression. I hear the little kid me screaming in my head for her therapist. I feel the weight in my chest. I feel hopeless.
And you'd never know it. I'm doing what I came out here to do. I'm care-taking, cooking, cleaning and being the dutiful daughter. To top it all off, things at work are falling apart and I'm getting hourly emails from my staff telling on each other and telling me to fix it. I can't help them right now. So that adds to the guilt.
Sorry...shouldn't dump all this out there. I signed on tonight and was touched that you asked. I wish I was offering more support to the Therapist on Vacation club, but I just can't right now. I'm going home Monday. I have to or I'll completely fall apart out here. And that would never, never be acceptable.
Sob. Tears. Need a hug.
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 22:09:59
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
((((Daisy))))
I wish I could give you more than a cyberhug. :(
It'll be over soon and you'll be home safe and sound. And your therapist will be home soon too. Everything's going to be ok. Hang on to that thought.
((((Daisy))))
Posted by mair on August 20, 2004, at 22:23:13
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
((((daisy))))
It's really unfair that this is happening to you when your T is not around. As hard as it may seem in your isolated state, I'm guessing that you'll be able to pick up with your T more easily than you thought. This is his stock in trade afterall.
I'm trying to get ready to go away for a week, which means I have no business being on the computer. Work has been a nightmare - I didn't get everything done that I really needed to, and I'm going to have to come back to work earlier than I wanted. And at the same time i'm trying to fight off all these feelings that I can't tolerate myself.
So I have no true family emergency to report like yours, but I was in my office late this afternoon, trying to wrap things up so I could get home (to start doing about 4 loads of laundry) when i get a call from my 16 year old daughter who had just run into my 19 year old son at the local fitness club - and she's complaining that my son won't switch cars with her so she's stuck driving around to her friends' houses in my minivan, which makes her feel old, and it's no fair that he gets the better car all the time etc etc etc. I just sat there in a helpless state of shock totally disbelieving that my children, at their ages, would actually bring this dispute to me, now in particular, and, more shockingly, actually expect me to do something about it.
I hope things look up tomorrow - at least then maybe your staff won't be bugging you.
Mair
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 22:56:55
In reply to Re: I'm not OK... » daisym, posted by mair on August 20, 2004, at 22:23:13
Daisy,
I'm so sorry you are faced with this, especially now. I noticed in your post that your wrote that this happened after your T left you. I just wanted to remind you (I know you know this) that your T didn't leave you. He will be back. And he'd be hurting for you and helping to contain you if he knew and were able to be there. I'm sure he will do this again.In the meantime, please don't ever worry that you are dumping. I'm so glad you let us know. Because we want to be there for you, too. And to do what we can to hold you in our hearts, too.
Please take care.
gg
Posted by Klokka on August 21, 2004, at 0:34:07
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
(((Daisy)))
I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. What horrible timing, too! Can you think of anything you can do to soothe yourself and help pass the time over the next few days? It will be over soon, you will be home and your T will be coming back. Don't know if this is any help, but maybe you can bring this post with you to your first session after the break if you feel you won't be able to open up?
As gg said, don't worry about venting here, and take care. I hope things start to look up real soon.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 21, 2004, at 3:30:27
In reply to Daisy? Are you ok?, posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 13:45:35
Daisy,
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I wish I could wrap up this pain in a trash bag and throw it away.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 21, 2004, at 7:40:09
In reply to Re: Daisy? Are you ok?, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 21, 2004, at 3:30:27
I volunteer to drive the truck taking it away!
gg
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 21, 2004, at 7:43:53
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
Dear Birthday Buddy, I know exactually what you mean about childhood home. It was a horror for me too. My heart goes out to you and I send you energy.
I'll be thinking of you.
Jai Narayan MLK b-day twin
Posted by fallsfall on August 21, 2004, at 8:47:05
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
(((((Daisy)))))
Please let me know how/if I can help.
You can tell your dad that you don't want to go on the field trips. Please take care of yourself. Let your dad go off with your brother, and you can keep your stepmom company - she is the one you came to help, anyway.
Posted by karen_kay on August 21, 2004, at 13:53:02
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((daisy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i wish i had something else insighful to say. hang in there until you get home and see your wonderful therapist. i know you will, you are a very strong woman. if it helps, i bought a beautiful dress today.
miss daisy, take care of yourself for now, then allow your therapist to take care of you and that little girl inside of you.
Posted by daisym on August 21, 2004, at 16:44:34
In reply to Re: I'm not OK..., posted by karen_kay on August 21, 2004, at 13:53:02
Thank you all for the supportive messages. You made me cry. I feel better just reading them. I'm not so alone after all.
I am counting the hours and days until I get to go home. I never thought I would feel like this. It truly makes me question why I ever allowed myself to explore these feelings, open up this side and release the memories. I mean, I know it was pushing up and out, but the combined grief of this intense attachment to my therapist and the realities of loving people who hurt you are too much for me. So "poof" there goes my illusion that I'm a strong person. AND, that I could put it away when I wanted to.
I don't know if it would have been any better if my therapist had been available to talk to through out this. Maybe having to contain it on my own was the best way. I'm exhausted and confused. I have no idea how I ever get started in therapy again. I'm terrified of being open and raw again. It isn't his fault, but I feel like I was left to deal with my confusing feelings about my dad on my own, all over again.
Ok, not totally on my own. Thanks for being around for me. You have have all meant so much to me and helped more than you know.
Daisy
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 21, 2004, at 17:13:20
In reply to Better Today, posted by daisym on August 21, 2004, at 16:44:34
Oh honey...We are here. Your post made me feel good. I hope you can come home soon.
I would be so brave from a distance but when I was in my mothers house...liquid legs. I felt all my strength melt.
We will be here for you.
I know I am.
Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 18:00:49
In reply to Better Today, posted by daisym on August 21, 2004, at 16:44:34
Posted by pegasus on August 21, 2004, at 22:45:06
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
Oh, Daisy, I'm so sorry to hear how rough everything is for you. It certainly sounds like you've been going through a lot more than you should have to. (((Daisy)))
I know it'll be hard to get back into therapy. And yet, remember that your therapist is thinking about you, and he is the best therapist I have ever heard about. He will try to understand how hard it has been, and he will help you recover from this bad break and get going again in therapy. You don't have to do it on your own. And we will help you too, as much as we can.
pegasus
Posted by antigua on August 24, 2004, at 0:15:25
In reply to I'm not OK..., posted by daisym on August 20, 2004, at 21:58:06
Oh Daisy, that's a really tough situation. I hope you're home now. Sometimes I go back to visit the house where the abuse happened and I simply stare it, shaking my head and questioning how on earth something so painful could have occurred in such a pretty house. I see the perfect picture but ignore the reality, I guess. I don't go very much anymore (I can usually stop there when I'm traveling northward) because the disconnect is too much for me. It makes me believe that nothing happened, it's all made up, and that can be dangerous.
I'm impressed w/how you're handling your father. My father is dead, and I really didn't know very much about what happened before he died (well, that's not true, I knew some of it, but I never had attached significance to it.) Even so, although he was a different man in his later years I still would feel that disconnect between the man in front of me and the man who would do certain things to me. I truly believed he was two different people: the good father and the bad father.
You've held up well. It's tough to have to go back there while you're struggling through figuring everything out. Your T will be back soon? I hope so.
best,
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on August 24, 2004, at 23:59:38
In reply to Re: I'm not OK..., posted by pegasus on August 21, 2004, at 22:45:06
I'm sooooo glad to be home. Even though it was a mess...hubby and son had a great time without me here fussy at them.
I had therapy today too and told my therapist about everything that happened while he was away. OK, not everything, but the tip of the ice berg. He was genuinely sorry that he didn't know what was going on, (how could he?) and felt bad that I had to go it alone. I told him I wasn't completely alone (I had you guys!) and I survived it. So we talked about resiliency and inner-strength and the ability to dissociate really well. He pointed out that I WAS still very strong and this should help me believe it. He also thinks we have A LOT to talk about, but he said he was willing to go slow since I was obviously very traumatized by the whole thing. I posted more about this session on Psychological because it fits better there.
Thank you ALL again for the support. What would I do without you?!
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 0:55:49
In reply to I'm Home!, posted by DaisyM on August 24, 2004, at 23:59:38
It's good to see you again.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 25, 2004, at 6:46:13
In reply to I'm Home!, posted by DaisyM on August 24, 2004, at 23:59:38
Posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2004, at 6:55:43
In reply to I'm Home!, posted by DaisyM on August 24, 2004, at 23:59:38
I'm so glad you are home.
Posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2004, at 6:59:01
In reply to Re: I'm Home! » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2004, at 6:55:43
You said you posted on Psychological? I'm not seeing it... ??
This is the end of the thread.
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