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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 21:23:57
I know that I have mentioned this in earlier posts. I have found myself so self absorbed with how I feel and my pain that I am not able to be there for others. This trait only makes me feel worse about myself. So many of you write about being good listeners how can you help others when you have soo much going on? I hope to gain insight from all of you.
Posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 0:00:54
In reply to Self Centered, posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 21:23:57
You are probably being much too hard on yourself. Most people don't really notice when you aren't completely "there" anyway. They are focused on themselves.
I am so much more comfortable helping, listening and problem solving for another. It is part of my job, so I've had a lot of training, but it is also a defensive posture for me. Nobody gets too close, I quickly turn the conversation around to them. Children are epecially easy to focus in on and they are happy to "take" from you. I love listening to kids talk.
Life is not a competition. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. It most likely balances over time. Hopefully you have people in your life that can allow you the space you need and their support and help. Your turn to listen and support will come for sure.
I don't know if this is what you were looking for. I just don't want you to feel bad about yourself.
Posted by Racer on June 23, 2004, at 0:48:06
In reply to Re: Self Centered » littlep24, posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 0:00:54
This is something I know I struggle with a lot, and I'll bet you and I are not alone in it. I often find myself apologizing to my husband for being unable to be "there" for him over the past {{gulp}} year or so, despite his telling me over and over again that he can cope -- as long as I'm still here. (I do feel particularly bad about this, by the way. A real Hot Button topic for me.)
Here's part of the conclusion I've come to over the years about this very subject: I think that, at least in my case, being "self-centered" was a weapon used against me so much during my childhood -- a time when it is *appropriate* to be self-centered -- that I internalized that criticism very deeply, and have a much easier time using it against myself than accurately assessing how true it is from a more objective perspective. Now, I'm offering it to you only as something that I currently believe to be part of the phenomenon for me, not as anything like Truth. With that disclaimer, I'd bet that if you were able to get any sort of statistical analysis of your situation, you'd find that things aren't nearly as uneven as they may feel to you right now.
(And any sort of severe injury or disease will cause you to focus on yourself. Depression is not a special case in that regard. Some years ago, my mother became very, very sick -- very, very suddenly. Thankfully, I happened to see her that day, and was able to convince her to let me take her to the ER. It saved her life -- and don't ever think you can comprehend just how grateful I am for the particular circumstances that allowed that to happen. The following day, I got to the hospital a little past 6:30AM, and stayed with her until almost midnight. For months afterwards, I was devasted by her resentment at me for "not being there when she was sick." Then, one day, she asked me what happened to her. I told her everything I could remember, timeline style -- hey, I know my mother -- and at the end, she asked me how I knew all of it? I told her I was there through the entire thing, and she was shocked. She really and truly and literally was not aware that I had been there at all. As far as she could recall, I had taken her to the ER and gone away. No wonder she felt resentful, huh?)
Posted by partlycloudy on June 23, 2004, at 7:15:36
In reply to Self Centered, posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 21:23:57
A few months ago this very point was troubling me greatly. How could I go from breezing along (ok, how about huffing and puffing?), not really thinking about how I was feeling, to this self absorption? I felt guilty that I felt I couldn't see beyond my own nose, much less reach out to anyone else.
For me, some of the reaching out I do - support and unasked-for advice - is the only thing that connects me to the world sometimes. And by "talking" to others with similar problems, to mine, it helps me get a perspective on my situation too.
Mostly I feel like I'm just putting my hand on other peoples' shoulders and saying, "It's OK, go ahead, I am listening," and in doing that I help myself. Selfish, really.
Posted by littlep24 on June 23, 2004, at 8:39:55
In reply to Re: Self Centered » littlep24, posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 0:00:54
DaisyM,
Any thoughts that are positive. Unfortunately, I am opposite of you when people talk to me I turn the talk to whats going on with me, I tell myself not to but the DESIRE and NEED to are so strong. My therapist tells me that is because I am searching so hard to be understood and to fit in but all it does is actually turn people away. YOu would think after all these years of losing friendships I would get it but when I am in the situation I don't. Thanks for listening.
Posted by littlep24 on June 23, 2004, at 8:46:25
In reply to Re: Self Centered, posted by Racer on June 23, 2004, at 0:48:06
Racer,
Thanks for sharing. I have told my husband many times to leave because I couldn't support him but he said he could deal with that, HOT BUTTON. Internalizing criticism is what I do best. I go to therapy and just haven't found the way to inside my head and change those thoughts, as it is for everybody it is so frustrating, like beating your head against a brick wall. Everytime I do something that makes me feel good I do something that BOTHERS me and wipes out the other. I just keep trying to feel better. THanks for listening
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