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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on June 17, 2004, at 0:12:29
It is such a risk for me to reach out to anyone (besides you guys) for emotional help. But we've spent sometime talking in therapy this week about building other supports and letting close friends in a little closer.
I had dinner with a pretty close friend last night and it was an opportunity to tell her a lot of what is going on with me. She has a lot of stuff going on too...and we've been friends a long time. We talked about many of my life stresses and about how hard therapy has been. At one point she said, "I just don't understand what you are working on that is so devastating."So I took a deep breath and said, "I was abused as a child" (Now, I've told only 3 people in real life over 42 yrs, my husband, a friend, who is a retired therapist and my therapist) and she said, "sexually?" I said "yes, my dad."
She said..."are you sure?"
*gasp*
I said (very quickly) "yes, I've always known." And closed down the conversation. And pretended everything was fine. She said it was hard to believe about me. Then she said, "Have you thought about a support group for this?" I told her no, I was "fine." And changed the subject.I tried to pretend like it didn't matter, the rest of the evening had been great and I do feel like I could call her in a crisis. But when I got to therapy today and my Therapist asked about how things went (we had discussed "telling") I said, "pretty OK" and told him what she said.
He said, "You must have felt punched in the stomach." At that point I finally let the tears out and I was so glad he understood that I felt let down. I was trying to not feel bad about what she said. I know she meant well with the support group suggestion.
My Therapist said her question probably had to do with the misunderstandings people have about recovered memories. But even so, he reminded me that I didn't need to "prove" to anyone that what I remembered and was continuing to remember, was true. He gently said if anyone saw how much I suffered with them, they would never doubt the devastating effect all of this has had. He said he probably didn't have to say it but he wanted me to know he knew I was suffering and was keeping most of it still inside.
And her comment about "it is hard to believe" was more about how competent and strong I appear to everyone. Which led to a discussion about how futile it is for me to ask for help. People don't want to believe I need it, or they don't know how to give it to me. Or maybe I don't know how to ask for emotional support.
He said for people to see me other than strong will be like turning around the Titanic. It is going to take a lot of time. I reminded him that the Titanic SANK and that we've had this conversation before. He said he's decided revisionist history is therapeutic. So he made me smile and feel better. And he said I was very brave for sharing with my friend and he was proud of me (he managed to not make that sound condescending) but that maybe I should stop trying for outside support for a while and lean on him and Babble.
Thank God. Brave or not, it is too hard right now. I like the acceptance and safety I've found here. And I think I'll keep my Therapist. He rarely hurts my feelings. :)
Posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2004, at 7:40:26
In reply to Admitting to Hurt Feelings, posted by daisym on June 17, 2004, at 0:12:29
Wow. You were SOOO brave. I, too, am proud of you.
I'm so sorry that she couldn't understand. My guess is that your situation is so far from the world that she knows that she just couldn't grasp it. Maybe in the future, maybe she will be able to let this sink in, maybe she will bring it back up and be more open to hearing what you have to say. You certainly don't have to bring it back up.
This was a major step forward for you. Wow.
I know it didn't feel like it went very well, but now maybe if you do get into an emergency and you ask her for help she will have some kind of understanding that (even though she doesn't understand WHAT it is that is distressing to you), that she will understand that you need serious help from her NOW. I have to believe this is a good thing. In an emergency you could say something like "I told you about my past, and I know it seemed pretty foreign to you, but please trust that I am in an emergency now and I need you to ..." and tell her what you need.
I'm sorry she didn't understand. Understanding abuse is like understanding depression - if you haven't been there it is unfathomable. But maybe, over time, she will come to understand that even if she can't understand what happened, that she can understand that it was devistating for you. She also may take some time to lower the pedistal and see that, as competent as you always appear, that you are a real person behind all that with real pain.
No, don't bring it up again with her. I guess I'm just hoping that it will rattle around in her brain a little, and that she will gain understanding in time. I think that if SHE brings it up, that you should (cautiously) help her to understand what it means to you.
(((((...Daisy)))))...
Posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 14:43:04
In reply to Admitting to Hurt Feelings, posted by daisym on June 17, 2004, at 0:12:29
she asked if you were *sure*???? "punched in the stomach" is a pretty good way of phrasing to me, too. that's awful. and i think you handled the situation very well. (i might have picked a fight at that point.) and you're VERY brave for having brought it up at all. bonus points for you.
and minus points for her. that would have lost my trust forever. i'm sorry she can't understand.
i know how you feel though. i have a friend (my exgirlfriend, we were obviously very close, and somewhat continue to be) to whom i've tried to reach out to when i started having more and more problems, and often she'd ask the same question or something similar like, "is it really that bad?" i don't talk to her about these things any more. she obviously can't handle them. some friend.
blah.
remember you can always lean on us here. we'll never doubt or question you. EVER.
*hugs*
ghost
Posted by karen_kay on June 17, 2004, at 18:33:25
In reply to Admitting to Hurt Feelings, posted by daisym on June 17, 2004, at 0:12:29
((((daisy)))))
this is a close friend, right? i think that what may have happened is that she was caught completely off guard dear. and i know that when i'm told something that i don't know exactly how to handle, i sometimes laugh, or just sit there with my mouth open and gaping. in all honesty, if this is a close friend whom you've know for a while, i'm certain in my head that her reaction was one of shock. as she wouldn't have expected something like that to be said. i know it doesn't help your feelings on her reaction, but i'm trying to say that alot of people don't know what to say when they hear something that they didn't expect to hear. many times i find myself in that situation dear. and i'm sorry that her first (and second and third) reaction wasn't very supportive, but please don't let her instinct (which would have been shock) affect the fact that you are wonderful and doing the right thing... some people just aren't good at reacting to situations like this.
and,you said you could call her in a crisis. don't let this affect that either dear. (my therapist told me that alot of the feelings i have about this sort of thing go away once i begin to 'tell the secret' and it's no longer a secret. plus, it helps in learning to trust again. i've honestly found that to help me quite a bit.)
i'm so sorry her reaction wasn't the best dear, in fact it couldn't really have been much worse. but, don't allow her immediate reaction stop you from learning to trust your friends. i think it's a very different reaction that people have when they haven't been through something like that. but, remember that not everyone will react that way either.
(sort of a similar bad reaction i once had... my sister called to tell me she was in a car accident and my first thought (and i even said it) was 'what's the car look like. i'm still kicking myself for that stupid mistake, but it came as a shock she'd been in an accident and i assumed she was ok if she was calling me. another one.. same sister... called me and woke me up to tell me she's pregnant. first words out of my mouth were 'is it <your boyfriend's>?' (and of course i knew it was, i was just shocked by her news) she's still upset about that and i don't blame her a bit. sometimes people say stupid, stupid things just out of surprise....)
((((daisy)))) you did a very good thing by opening up. and don't let someone's first reaction stop you from making progress dear. and be thankful that she doesn't know the perfect thing to say in such a situation, because if she did it may be out of experience.
Posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 19:06:47
In reply to Re: Admitting to Hurt Feelings » daisym, posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2004, at 7:40:26
Thank you for validating my feelings. I don't think I would or could bring it up again. BUT, she is on my list of people to call in a crisis, no reason needed. She said "day or night" and I know she means it. I think I'll just be comfortable talking with her about her issues for awhile though.
I'm trying not to let the "I knew it!" monster out but it's out...I told my Therapist today that I "might" try again in another 30 years. He said that seemed reasonable. As long as I wasn't giving up trying all together. :)
I guess the truth is I never told when I was a kid, partly because I wasn't sure of anyone's reaction -- would they believe me? Would they look at me differently? And I have a lot of shame and guilt about that. But it still hurts to have those fears confirmed. And even admitting I'm not all that strong and together doesn't make people believe it, which leaves me alone with it all.
Posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 19:09:27
In reply to Re: Admitting to Hurt Feelings » daisym, posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 14:43:04
Thanks ghost. I'm sorry you've had a similar experience. And I do appreciate how accepting Babble is.
I've decided that I'm either asking the wrong people for support or not asking in a convincing manner. Or both. *sigh* I thought I was a good communicator.
Posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 19:12:13
In reply to Re: Admitting to Hurt Feelings, posted by karen_kay on June 17, 2004, at 18:33:25
Karen,
thank you for the "other" side. You are right. I did pretty much drop it on her. But what does it mean that you don't "look like" something like that happened to you. It happens to so many people. I think there are some people who hear you are in therapy, and then hear you are working on abuse issues and they leap to the place of "false" memories.
You are wise about what you said about her complete understanding and having had experience with it. I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Posted by karen_kay on June 17, 2004, at 19:23:44
In reply to Re: Admitting to Hurt Feelings » karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 19:12:13
i think that perhaps some people have a misperception about what people who are going through things look like.... (and please daisy, don't think that i'm not considering your feelings in the least. daisy, if i could, i'd take away your hurt. i just think it's important for you not to lose a very close friend over this, and also to see that people don't always respond appropriately, as much as i wish they did.)
i think that she could have meant that you are very well together. you appear to be on top of things and i think that when most people hear that someone has been abused, they think that the person would automatically appear disheveled or turn to drugs, or alcohol or another form of self medication to cope. (and perhaps i'm very wrong on this so forgive me for assuming) i think that perhaps you could turn this experience into something positive dear. you can learn that not everyone will respond in a good way, but that doesn't mean they still don't care about you and your well being. but, there are some people who will respond in a supportive and caring way and hang onto their words.
i really worry that what i'm saying is hurting you daisy and i really don't want that to happen. i just think that someone's immediate reaction to hearing something like this shouldn't overcast the things they've done in the past and will do in the future dear. some people don't react well to 'bad' news. and some people react very well to it. the problem is figuring out who does react well. and remembering that those who don't react well don't always understand the impact their words have on others.
Posted by antigua on June 18, 2004, at 18:51:35
In reply to Admitting to Hurt Feelings, posted by daisym on June 17, 2004, at 0:12:29
I've only read your first entry here and haven't had a chance to read the responses yet. But, boy, can I relate!!
I've been so hurt by other people's responses that i don't tell anymore (not that I've told many people anyway, about 4 like you). My last friend I tried to talk to said that people would think it's kind of funny that I'm bringing this up now, as if I'm making it up, which of course is my greatest fear.
All I can tell you is that maybe we have to develop a thick skin. People who don't understand aren't a reflection of what we're going through--they are dealing with their own issues and can say the dumbest things.
I'm sorry it hurts, I know it hurts. My T keeps telling me that it's better to get it out, but when you get reactions like this, I really doubt that they are right. They are knowledgeable, yes, but maybe this is when the wheat is separated from the chaff; if you haven't lived through it, it's too difficult to understand.
Try not to feel bad for taking the risk. Center yourself and know that you are who you are, and you are working hard to be better.
best,
antigua
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