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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 14, 2004, at 20:41:59
In reply to Pfin?, posted by Racer on June 14, 2004, at 18:33:46
Posted by Racer on June 14, 2004, at 18:33:46
> So, now that I know where you hike, do you live Over There? Or are you in the US?
>
> Thank you for pointing out our common ground, too. I knew there had to be a reason I liked you.
Posted by Pfinstegg on June 14, 2004, at 21:05:42
In reply to Pfin? « Racer, posted by Dr. Bob on June 14, 2004, at 20:41:59
No, I live *Over Here*. The favorite European hiking places only get visited every few years. We live on the East Coast, and have found especially good hiking in the Appalachian Mts. in West Virginia. It is high and cool there, with so many streams and rivers- really a little bit of Canada, as it is where the glaciers reached during the last Ice Age- so there are northern flowers, including beautiful native orchids, and many migratory songbirds nest there in the summer, rather than going all the way to northern Canada.
In previous posts of yours, it sounded as if your riding activities might be mostly in the past. Do you do it now, too?
Posted by Pfinstegg on June 14, 2004, at 21:27:50
In reply to Re: Pfin? » Dr. Bob, posted by Pfinstegg on June 14, 2004, at 21:05:42
Sorry! The above is for Racer. I can't always follow the intricacies of getting *redirected*!
Posted by Racer on June 15, 2004, at 10:43:35
In reply to Re: Pfin? » Dr. Bob, posted by Pfinstegg on June 14, 2004, at 21:05:42
Ever since reading a few books by Sharyn McCrumb, I've wanted to visit Appalachia. It does sound lovely, and a fascinating area, both presently and historically. (And trust me to get that sort of enthusiasm from a murder mystery.)
Horse are a major trigger for me right now. Yes, I still own horses -- neglected in pasture, my husband is making arrangements to get rid of them, because there's no sign of recovery coming for me, and the guilt about them is eating me up. Not only am I having major trouble leaving the house for any reason, I'm way too unstable emotionally to try to work with them. One I'd just ruin, by not being able to work effectively, but another would be actively dangerous for me right now. We feed off one another's energy so much -- often a good thing, you know -- and my anxiety level combined with his reactivity would be a very dangerous combination, especially since I've lost so much weight and strength. These are my last horses, especially since I can't rely on being stable enough to take care of them adequately, you know? Imagine, if you will, what that means to me.
Add to it: once I'm back on anti-depressants, I can look forward to gaining more than half my current body weight. Think of what that sort of weight gain means to their backs? Think of what the lethargy does to my ability to deal with hot little terrorbreds? Getting them out of my life feels like admitting there's no chance of me living a normal life, but I think the time has come to give up on ever having my life back. Gee, I wonder why I've been so very, very bad for the last few weeks? (Then multiply it by the whole Dr EyeCandy situation. Can you see why I get to that "why bother to try" place?)
I'd love to be able to go someplace like that to hike. Either someplace. Being trapped in the heart of Silicon Valley, on a downtown block that I hate, seeing all the artificial anti-life around me just eats at my soul. My husband has finally said that, as soon as we can manage it, we will try to get out of here. This is where he wanted to be, and I thought I could adapt. I was obviously wrong.
So, horses are not entirely in my past, but are nearly so. And I envy you your hiking trips. Thank you for telling me about them. It gives me a chance to experience it a bit vicariously.
Posted by antigua on June 15, 2004, at 13:22:24
In reply to Re: Pfin?, posted by Racer on June 15, 2004, at 10:43:35
Racer,
I'm really worried about you. You sound more down than ever before. Are you keeping yourself safe?I hate the thought that you have to turn away from your horses. It seems that they have given you so much solace in the past.
antigua
Posted by Pfinstegg on June 15, 2004, at 15:41:12
In reply to Racer? » Racer, posted by antigua on June 15, 2004, at 13:22:24
It's so disappointing, but I can understand that you might not feel able to train a challenging young horse when you are feeling so depressed. I was severely depressed for about ten years, and during that time, I didn't have the confidence to ride and train my own young horse. There is so much non-verbal communication going on between a horse and its trainer, and things can go wrong when our moods are very low. I got injured twice during that time (kicking and actually ramming me with his head), although nothing like that had ever happened to me before. Once the depression got better, I was able to function around horses as I had before the depression hit so severely. (I did get rid of the one who rammed me, though!)
From an outside view, you presently don't have any medications or a good therapist to go to. I think it's very reasonable to hope that, once you get those things in place that you will gradually begin to regain use of all the talents you have- horse-training included!
Posted by Racer on June 16, 2004, at 12:13:48
In reply to Re: Racer?, posted by Pfinstegg on June 15, 2004, at 15:41:12
I'm glad you understand. At this point, these really are the last horses I'll ever have. I just can't stand the guilt I feel about it all anymore. Since I started riding in 1970, knowing that this is the final end to that is pretty devastating. It hurts more than you know to know that I"ll never jump my athletic wonder horse, the one with the huge trot and fully engaged hindquarters. That hurts.
It doesn't matter in the long run I guess. The depression itself is just killing me right now, so I guess I'll get over it all.
Posted by Racer on June 16, 2004, at 12:26:10
In reply to Racer? » Racer, posted by antigua on June 15, 2004, at 13:22:24
Thank you. Since you've told us how you've been for the last few weeks, it must have struck you very deeply for you to be able to cut through your own misery to post that to me. At the risk of sounding like a real 'psychobabbler' (as opposed to the Good Dr-Bob Babbler we have here), it sounds as if it's cut a tunnel through your own despair and allowed you to engage with something outside your own depression. While I'm sorry it's about something so negative, I'm glad that it gives you a chance to recognize that there are ways to tunnel into the light again.
I hope you can hold onto that if the darkness comes back again. Someone very much wiser than I posted something over on the 2000 board about conditions under which she will not allow for suicide to be an option. My brain won't let me figure out what she said, but basically it came down to this: if there is any evidence that the situation is not permanent, if there is any evidence that improvement is possible, then suicide is NOT an acceptable option. Can you put up a sign for yourself saying, "When I was feeling the worst, I was still able to reach out to offer comfort to Racer. That shows that I am a very good, caring person, and can effectively provide support to someone who needs it." That's more than a lot of "normal" people can do, you know. That doesn't put you one up on the non-depressives of the world, by the way. It puts you head and shoulders above them all.
You, Antigua, deserve all the oxygen you consume and more. Take even deeper breaths, and take the best serving of that meal. No one deserves it more than you do. You are capable of more than most of the "normals" of the world. BECAUSE you can do what they can, even with the Depression Beast dragging you down by your ankles. I hope you can hold on to that.
And I read your post on Psychology. I'm so glad that you had such good sessions. I'm sending you wishes for more of the same for a while. And I'm hoping you'll stay here and continue to help me by caring. Thank you.
Posted by Pfinstegg on June 16, 2004, at 18:29:57
In reply to Pfinstegg, posted by Racer on June 16, 2004, at 12:13:48
I understand. I read what you wrote over on Psychology about how extremely severe your depression is right now. When you feel that terrible, all these other things like talents and interests just aren't options to think about. It sounds like you have the most confusing, unhelpful county system. Can someone you trust, perhaps your marriage counsellor, be your agent and advocate to find out what's the best thing to do, and then help you do it by phoning for you?. Remembering how I felt when I was severely depressed, I don't think I would have been able to negotiate that system at all. I'm so sorry this is happening now - and just as a small addition, I like you too, and will be so happy when I hear that you are on your way to feeling better- I am just hoping that you can get on a good medication soon. Even though I do like to keep them low, if I can, there are times- perhaps just a few weeks or months- when we do need adequate doses of a well-chosen AD.
Posted by antigua on June 18, 2004, at 18:45:14
In reply to I've gotten out of bed just to post to you » antigua, posted by Racer on June 16, 2004, at 12:26:10
I'm thinking about you and sending strong thoughts your way. Have you been able to make any progress w/the bureacracy? I hope so.
I took another big step. I called a friend and asked her to come visit. She's a plane ride away, and she did it. She is going home tomorrow, but she knows everything about me so I feel like I have real company. We've talked, but just her presence is comforting. Do you have anyone you could call?
I'm really thinking of you,
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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