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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
One of my best friends just doesn't get how I feel. She keeps emailing me things like "lady of leisure, what a great day to be hanging outside."
What she doesn't get is it may be sunny outside, but inside my head it's dark and cold. She doesn't get that being out of work is making me more depressed. She also doesn't get that switching ADs wasn't the key to instant happiness. Waiting another month to see the pdoc and he'll up my dose if I need it is reality. A no harm agreement that is week to week with my T is reality. A suicide plan (not acting on it right now, I promise, no 911 calls) is reality.
Depression is not a choice, quiting my job before I was forced out was a choice, but being home with more time to think negative thoughts is not a vacation.
My husband is being supportive, but doesn't realize that for every *we'll get by* there's three *you need to get a job soon.* He said he understands that I'm not ready yet, but in a month, blah, blah, blah. I told him that my answer to where I want to be in five years is *dead.*
This is some rotten vacation.
Poet
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 12, 2004, at 16:44:59
In reply to Depression is not a vacation, posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
Dang!
You blew it for me.... I thought this was really a vacation. Now what am I going to do? Holy crappola!
So many people just don't get it. They think that we're being lazy, that all we have to do is get out of bed, get moving, and everything will be OK. Well, Turn the lights on.... it doesn't work that way.So, honey, you want me to get out of bed and cook? What do I do when my face is stuck in the frying pan because I don't have the energy to lift it up? You want me to make the bed? That only happens when I'm under the covers and pull enough up to reach my neck.
You want me to drive? Really? You're kidding, right?Oh... leave the house? Not without the cops and handcuffs. I'll leave when I'm d*mned good and ready.
People just don't get it. I do wish that we could have a pill or something that would let them feel what it is like for just one day.
Good luck hon.
Dee.
Posted by shadows721 on June 12, 2004, at 20:00:38
In reply to Depression is not a vacation, posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
When your own mind is the prison, people don't see it. They only see your not working. I would take that stmt, "lady of leisure", as a put down. They are saying that, because they are jealous of what they think is freedom from responsibilities. They don't see your internal torture chambers. If they keep up their insensitive remarks, I feel I would have to address it head on.
Posted by daisym on June 12, 2004, at 21:47:27
In reply to Depression is not a vacation, posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
I think people don't know what to say so they think they are helping you "see the bright side." If they haven't felt it, lived it or lived with it, it just doesn't look that bad from the outside. I often think if I just fell apart sobbing or screaming, my husband would understand. Instead I hide and he thinks I'm ignoring him.
Not working is hard even without depression. It messes with our perspective of who we are, who we were and what we are worth. But you are so much more than what you do for a dollar. Please believe that. I've seen it in your posts. There is a deep understanding of another person's suffering that is rare. You have so much to give.
Ignore those who are insensitive. Remember how scared your hubby probably is...both for your financial well being and for you. It takes a huge toll on a spouse to see suffering that they can't fix. Two years ago my husband was off on disability for 18months. He was sick, had surgery,etc. etc. When he was well enough to work, the interview process and explaining why he had been off, made him feel so worthless, he threatened everyday to end it all. I would drive in the drive way at night and feel like throwing up before I went in the house. I told my Therapist that I kept wishing for mood paint, so I would know what I was walking in to each night. You know, like mood rings...the outer color of the house would reflect the mood inside.
It isn't easy on either of you. Try to be a team. Hug him even when you don't want to. I bet he'll hug you back!
And, here is one from me too -- (((Poet)))
Posted by tinydancer on June 13, 2004, at 9:20:29
In reply to Depression is not a vacation, posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
I sure do know how you feel. I've been on sick leave for about 10 months now and it is not a vacation. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be able to cope with a job. I try to think about the fact that I am in a full time job already-its called recovery. If you had a broken leg would anyone write "lady of leisure" then??? If she is your best friend I think you need to talk to her about how her words make you feel. That must be very difficult to deal with. Not much to say really just hope you can try not to beat yourself up all the time.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 14, 2004, at 11:54:50
In reply to Re: Depression is not a vacation » Poet, posted by tinydancer on June 13, 2004, at 9:20:29
It breaks my heart every time I see a post like this, because it reminds me once again (reminds me constantly, rather) that we're still in the Dark Ages when it comes to people understanding something they cannot see.
I cannot count the times I have wished that I had a physically understandable symbol of my condition, so people would "get it" (He has a genetic chemical imbalance. See? It's right there.) People don't know what this is like unless they have been there. Truth be known, I wish NO ONE ever knew what this is like. The statement you made to your husband is the exact same one I made to my (soon to be ex) wife when I was out on disability and we were discussing our financial future and my income and where I wanted to be in 5 years. (odd question just popped into my head...why is it always 5 years?)
I wish I had words to offer that would change things. All I can do is offer understanding and comaradre as someone who knows what it is like.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 14, 2004, at 12:11:47
In reply to Re: Depression is not a vacation, posted by daisym on June 12, 2004, at 21:47:27
Daisym,
I wanted to tell you how much I respect you for sticking by your man when he was having such a very hard time, and that I understand the "mood paint". Nothing is easy, is it? Hopefully you found your effort worth it.
I wish there were a lot more people like you.
Posted by Poet on June 14, 2004, at 14:50:57
In reply to Depression is not a vacation, posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
Posted by littlep24 on June 16, 2004, at 5:38:49
In reply to Depression is not a vacation, posted by Poet on June 12, 2004, at 15:25:26
As others have already said I would love to put a post it on my forehead that says "constantly out to lunch". I find it very difficult to deal with my depression and the people who you go to for support. I believe they try to understand but they don't know how to anymore. When my husband gets frustrated he says things like "why is it that every little task is so difficult for you"? Duh! Because I am depressed. He also has become immune to my crying he thinks that someone who has been crying for so long would want stop and just be able to.
The most frustrating to me is the phone call that says what did you do today, he thinks I am on vacation every day. The stress we are under with mental illness others will never feel in their physical stress.
Posted by Poet on June 17, 2004, at 19:03:21
In reply to Re: Depression is not a vacation » Poet, posted by littlep24 on June 16, 2004, at 5:38:49
I'm going to use a bright green post it.
It's sad that you have to have experienced depression to understand it. Every little task is difficult because it takes more energy and effort than I have to do it.
I so understand where you're at, I wish we both weren't here. My postcard will not read, having a good time, wish you were here, as this is not a vacation. I wish my husband and yours could just understand that, but I don't know how to do it. Sigh.
Poet
Posted by littlep24 on June 18, 2004, at 12:37:13
In reply to Re: Depression is not a vacation » littlep24, posted by Poet on June 17, 2004, at 19:03:21
Poet,
As you have said it is energy that I don't have. I had a friend that worked with disabled people and she said the worst thing is when you "look normal" because people can not see your pain. If you have a a disability that is visible people are careful around you. It is so true they can't not tell how their actions will affect us.
I am also wondering how all these issues affect your marriage? I am struggling right now with should we get divorced? My husband has many moments where he understands but too many that he doesn't and he is emotionally abusive and sucks the little energy I have right out of me. This emotional abuse, him wanting to fix me so I become stable,I am stable but just not the person he wants me to be, has allowed me to lose my feelings for him. I am a very laid back, real person he is more interested in how others see us. I just want to feel like I fit in and am loved for who I am. He tells me he loves me for who I am but I just need a tune up, he doesn't understand my thinking and why I do things the way I do them. I feel like he is the one who would lose the love first because of my depression and not being the person he wants me to be but I am the one who has lost it and I feel guilty. Many people have told me you can get past this if you want to but I don't know if I have the energy to do it. I am really trying since we have two small children, however, I believe they would rather be in a broken home than in a home that there is no love between the parents. His trying to fix me causes me to have such resentment towards him, that I am worthless unless I do things the way he wants them done. I am talking about the littlest stuff doing the dishes etc. I think to myself don't sweat this small stuff you have bigger fish to fry but the small stuff is what sends me spiraling down to rock bottom.
Posted by antigua on June 21, 2004, at 11:03:28
In reply to Re: Depression is not a vacation » Poet, posted by littlep24 on June 18, 2004, at 12:37:13
I have dealt w/my husband on these issues as well. Often, it's the small things, like the dishes or the laundry, that he feels the need to control me about (oh yeah, and a big one--Money!)and tell me how I should do everything.
Now, I love my husband, but I can't stand the controlling aspect. He spends too much time focusing on me and not enough on himself. I often felt like no matter what I did, it would never be good enough for him, or done the "right way", etc. I got really tired of feeling that way. So, I told him to talk to someone about it. He did and it helped tremendously. He can't fix me, he knows that now, and by trying to control me he realized how he was pushing me away. I've told him, "Hey, this is me, love me or leave me" (and I meant it seriously, as much as I care about him) because dealing w/him on top of the depression was killing me.
He still reverts to his old style under pressure, but I think he really gets it now.
Just wanted to let you know that maybe(?) there's hope.
antigua
Posted by littlep24 on June 21, 2004, at 14:27:21
In reply to Re: Depression is not a vacation » littlep24, posted by antigua on June 21, 2004, at 11:03:28
Antigua,
Thanks for your thoughts. You just wrote my story exactly as it plays out in my house everyday. Yesterday I was talking to a friend on the phone laughing and when I got off I was so somber. My husband was furious he couldn't understand why was I happy talking to her and not when I was with the family. I explained that when I am with him and/or in the house my whole atmosphere changes and the depression swirls quickly due to the stress. It is not like I want to feel this way with my family; as I said he and being home brings me totally down. I am so refreshed when I am out in the open, not saying I never feel depressed when I am away from the home but it is more for social reasons.
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