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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
This has been all in all a very different day.
To start I woke up at 2:00 AM. I figure I went to sleep somewhere around midnight, which means I got two whole hours of sleep. That is completely backward from any of my sleep problems. I would usually go to bed very late, stay awake, but once I was out, I was out. I don't think I liked this one.
Yesterday, my alters wanted a discussion with me. I didn't let that happen, and I think some of them are upset. I think I know what they wanted to talk about. Also, while I was in my T's office I could feel a switch coming on, and it wa like my eyes were doing this rapid switch from focussing on two different places in the room. It was really tough. Somehow, I didn't let it happen.
A good thing happened today.... I brought some of my jewelry to a store, and I have my own display and a contract. I hope things will work out with that. I just worry that people won't think that my jewelry is worth what the store owner wants to charge for it.
I've been trying to talk to my case manager. I've called her twice, today and yesterday. She hasn't gotten back to me, and I'm starting to feel that I'm too much of a problem for her and she doesn't want to deal with me.
I've also been looking at different schools that have a music therapy program. Now I'm worried that I'm not a good enough musician, and that I won't do well enough on the audition. I looked at the audition requirements, and there are some skills that I don't yet have. I have thought about getting lessons here to gain those skills, but I worry that I still might not be good enough.
*************trigger zone***************
I was thinking back to the times when I was young, and my brother and I were altar servers at our church. (for those that don't know, or remember from some of my earlier posts, I was born and raised male. I don't like to remember that, but it was and still is, I guess, important). The priest would bring us, some of the servers to his camp for a sort of vacation, etc.
I was thinking about the games we played. This priest's favorite was when one of the boys would be in his underwear, and he would have all of us slap his stomach, on and on, until the poor kid was screaming. He would be laughing, and convincing us that it was really funny. I don't remember if I was ever slapped like that or not.
Many of the boys there were sexually abused. My brother was one of them. I know that the others that I remember being there were too. I don't remember if I was or not.
One game that we played in the winter there was to draw a square about 3' on a side. An axe was placed in the square, and we would jump from the dock onto the square and chop at the borders of the square with the axe. It was 'funny' when one finally broke through the ice. I don't know if I ever fell through the ice or not.
I can remember so many things, but not what happened to me. I remember my brother screaming. I remember slapping at his stomach. I remember the priest pouring water on so that it would sting more and make more noise. I remember not liking that game. I don't remember what happened to me.
I was looking at our family picture albums this week, and found this priest's photographs with my family. Just a reminder.... Just another twist of the knife.
I'm sure that more things happened there. I have little pictures. I don't like remembering these things. I thought I had remembered what happened, but the pictures just get bigger, the details clearer, the noises, the sound of the ice cracking, the sound of children screaming, the laughing. I don't want to remember.
I'm sorry to those of you who didn't yet know that I was a boy, or partly, I hope you don't think I'm trying to deceive. It is posted here some time back, but I don't like saying it often. It sort of mattered in this post though.It sucks. I don't like what I was. I don't like what happened in my childhood. I don't like much of my past at all. Now, I'm scared of the future. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid I'll fail to get into a good school. I'm afraid I won't do well once I get there, if I get there.
I really feel like I need to throw up.h
Dee.
Posted by shadows721 on June 10, 2004, at 23:14:52
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
Hi Dee,
From personal experience, these unconscious memories still have power. While I sure don't like remembering them either, they do have to be dealt with. I was wondering after I read your memory if the unremembered part has anything to do with the current feelings of "not good enough".
Do you find the voices get more so when there is a memory trying to surface?
Posted by tabitha on June 11, 2004, at 1:30:38
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
(((((Dee)))))) there's a hug for your tough day.
congratulations about your jewelry.. and the steps you're taking with the music school. Sounds like you have many creative talents.
I don't know what to say about all the memories you're revisiting, but I wish you healing and peace. And here's another hug for good measure ((((Dee)))))
Posted by TofuEmmy on June 11, 2004, at 7:45:09
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
Oh Dee....my heart is so full of sadness for what you went through. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes such strength to remember, and write, and share.
Please take care! Warm hugs to you Dee.
Em
Posted by karen_kay on June 11, 2004, at 8:48:19
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
(((((((((dee))))))))))
you are increbibly strong.
there are many of us here who don't like our past or what has happened to us. you are certainly not alone in this feeling. and i think we all have our share of 'not feeeling good enough'. but, i think that you've shown to me that you are in fact good enough to do anything your little (sorry, BIG) heart desires. it's understandable to have those doubts, i know i struggle with them constantly. but, you should know how talented and amazing you are. many of us see it here, in your writing, in your words, in your cute jokes. i think, what you have to do is counter those thoughts by telling yourself how very special you are. i don't doubt it for a second, you shouldn't either. so, the next time you have one of those 'i'm not good enough' thoughts, remember that you have many friends here who believe in you. sometimes that helps me counter those negative thoughts.
dee, you are such a special person dear. and so very strong. the next time you have those negative thoughts, remember to yourself that there are so many people who wouldn't believe those thoughts about you for a second (i know i wouldn't!) and then stop listening to them. you can do anything you set your heart out to do. i honestly believe that dee.
((((((dee)))))))) take care of yourself doll. i'd help you do that if i were there.
Posted by DaisyM on June 11, 2004, at 10:27:11
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
(((Dee)))
You are more than "good enough". You are amazing. You put aside your own pain to help others (like me last night)and that is the sign of someone who was wounded, not damaged. So many other people turn their anger outward on the world and strike out again and again, causing pain to others. You've chosen with your words and your music to help heal others and guide them on their own journeys. That speaks to the power in your spirit.
It doesn't matter what you, or any of us, were or weren't before. What matters is what we do next. One little thing everyday. I just finished the "Wish List" with my son. There is this cool underlying premise that all the things you do in life add up, leaving your aura blue or red. Red you go down, blue you go up. So even things you might think are insignificant (smiling at someone as you cross a street) put points in your "blue" column.
Based on how much you've helped me alone, I'd say you're as bright a blue as can be! Take care of yourself. I might need you to pilot the babble-helicopter again soon!
Daisy
Posted by B2chica on June 11, 2004, at 12:34:36
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
(((((((((DEE)))))))))))
Thank you SO much for sharing such difficult memories. That alone shows just how strong you are. And i KNOW you have an incredibly big and sweet heart. You are So understanding and always offer great support here. We Love You.
I understand the fear of new flashes of things that happened growing up, sometimes it's just one picture and it's enough to make me messed up the rest of the day, sick to my stomach. I just need to say that seeing you post all your ache gives me hope that i too may someday be able to say outloud my secrets. thank you for that 'dearheart'.(that's what i call you cuz that's what i missread your post name as the first couple of times i saw you.)
;6)Congrats on your jewlery setup!
...and about the music. FIRST of all, if you believe in yourself enough to even consider that program then you HAVE talent. Be postive. Art is very subjective and truthfully if you create music for you or to express then you will Always be successful at it.
Besides...just remember, looking back, almost all the singers that are now making $$Millions$$ of dollars actually Lost at StarSearch!
Sometimes the people who decide who's in or not just have crappy taste ;^PLove you dear.
B2c.
Posted by Poet on June 11, 2004, at 13:35:39
In reply to Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 10, 2004, at 22:11:29
Dee,
What a difficult day. I know that sharing your childhood memories was hard, but I hope it helped let out some of the pain.
Congratulations on having the jewelry display. I hope it sells well and soon you'll have customers requesting custom pieces.
When you feel better, check out what you would need to be a music therapist. Try not to worry about what you were, concentrate on what you can be.
Poet
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 11, 2004, at 16:50:27
In reply to Re: Really strange day. (big trigger) » deirdrehbrt, posted by Poet on June 11, 2004, at 13:35:39
Thank you everyone,
It really means alot to have such positive feedback. I am always so scared that if anyone really knew me, REALLY KNEW ME, that they would hate me. I know it's not completely rational, but it's always there. Maybe you've just dispelled some of that for me. Thank you.
I love you all.Dee.
Posted by antigua on June 11, 2004, at 18:20:44
In reply to Re: Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 11, 2004, at 16:50:27
We could never hate you. You are very brave. I have a lot of respect for you--even more than I had before (which was a lot!), given that you are so honest.
all my best,
antigua
Posted by karen_kay on June 12, 2004, at 17:52:54
In reply to Re: Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 11, 2004, at 16:50:27
i know how much you love hugs. i just wanted to give you another one.
have a great day sweetheart :)
oh, and i too have that fear that if someone 'really' knows me, they won't like me. but, the easiest way to test that is to let people know you and see that they still do love you. they love you for being so wonderful dee (at least that's why i do. oh, and your witty sense of humor helps too)
Posted by sexylexy on June 17, 2004, at 16:35:08
In reply to Re: Really strange day. (big trigger), posted by deirdrehbrt on June 11, 2004, at 16:50:27
Dee,
I do not think we have "spoken" yet. I read your post and think you are such a brave person. What a history you have and to come so far and brave others to become the person you are and work to be a happy person who is content in their own skin. You should be saluted.
Congrats on your jewlery, I am a bit of a shopaholic if youve got a website I would love to see your stuff.
Good luck and many wishes to you!
Lexy
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