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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on May 11, 2004, at 14:21:45
I generally like most people, can always find something good or sweet in most people, but lately almost EVERYONE I work with is getting on my nerves....from the suitemate who pesters me about finding a new job or camping out in my office so I can't get away from her.
To a married coworker who I think has a thing for me and who has to hover around me most of the 8 hours I'm here, sitting way too close to me a lot of times, and touching me (just pats on shoulder or whatever, nothing weird, but I don't like it), and calling me on my cell every day right after we leave work.
Or the female coworker desperate for a husband, who has no girlfriends and only hangs out with women so she can get to new men.
So, since these people are getting on my nerves way more than usual, has something changed about me? I don't feel any more miserable than usual. :-) When someone hates a lot of people, I have always believed that person has to look inside himself to see why he's so unhappy, so that's what *I* am doing....I just don't see much difference.
Now, there are some people I have genuine affection for, actually deeper than usual. Maybe I'm just feeling *everything* more deeply than usual....I dunno.
Any insight or tips on how to not let people get on my nerves?
Thanks,
Susan
Posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2004, at 14:55:54
In reply to I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by Susan J on May 11, 2004, at 14:21:45
Susan, when you find out, I'd like to know too! It's a constant challenge; getting along with your co-workers without "getting into bed" with them. (Not literally! - you know what I mean.)
I definitely am more sensitive at some times than others. And I must say with certainty that if I did not work with most the people I do work with, I would not choose them to be my friends. I think that really sums it up for me. It's important to me to cultivate a good working relationship with others, but sometimes it's just too close for comfort.
There must be a graceful way to say, "go away, I'm busy" or "go away, I don't like you".
Posted by Susan J on May 11, 2004, at 15:02:05
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help. » Susan J, posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2004, at 14:55:54
> Susan, when you find out, I'd like to know too! It's a constant challenge; getting along with your co-workers
<<LOL! I guess that's true, it's like a family almost. Maybe I'm just overloaded by them from my busy season at work, which just ended...> There must be a graceful way to say, "go away, I'm busy" or "go away, I don't like you".
<<I'm such a wuss I never want to hurt anyone's feelings.Although, yesterday, my suitemate was sitting in my office (uninvited I assure you), and my boss came in and fussed at me for not turning in an assignment on time. He left, and I said, "Sorry, L, but I am not too happy right now and want to be alone." She thought I was apologizing for being in a bad mood and didn't get that I *literally* wanted to be alone, meaning her out of the office. So I had to say, get out. I guess I was too subtle in saying I wanted to be alone. Duh.
Maybe this irritation with everyone will die down in a bit....I really hope so. Life was easier when I liked everyone. :-)
Posted by B2chica on May 11, 2004, at 15:49:24
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help. » partlycloudy, posted by Susan J on May 11, 2004, at 15:02:05
SusanJ.
OK, i'm going to pass on a couple little secrets i actually got from my boss. cuz i made it VERY clear i am not a social person and people kept coming in and talking to me for extended (ear bleeding boring amounts of time), even if i would turn around and keep working! (get a clue people)
anyway,
#1 one thing is when someone comes into your office, immediately stand up, face them and say "what can i do for you" -maybe walk toward them a little-usually that will take them off guard and they will respond and get out, if not walk them to the door and say i haven't had a chance to go to the restroom all morning (afternoon whatever).
#2 is NEVER EVER have an empty chair in your office. ALWAYS pile files or boxes or equipment on them, that way they can't get comfortable, if it's someone you want to stay tell them to clear off a chair or you do it for them.
i'm sure every work area is a little different but these tips have Really worked for me.oh, and FYI those people you have described? i'm irritated by them already, did i mention i have a short temper? ya, not a good combination. I would probably tell the lech to "back off" and that any part of his anatomy that touches me again will be shoved in my zip drive. the single "looser" that wants a man, i'd leave tons of flyers or emails for dating services.
and for the suitemate, well since you have to live day in and out with them are you able to wear headsets at work? -hell they don't even have to be on or plugged in, as long as they think they are...HTH
Best of luck,
B2c.
Posted by TexasChic on May 11, 2004, at 16:36:50
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help. » Susan J, posted by B2chica on May 11, 2004, at 15:49:24
Good advice B2!
Yes Susan J, these people do sound annoying. But you don't need us to decide that for you. You feel what you feel, and have every right to do so. I'm the same way – its easy to start questioning yourself when you analyze every feeling like most of us here do. But I've been working on being more assertive, and it really feels great when you begin to take up for yourself. Of course its hard at first, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But your feelings are important too! Are these people thinking of your feelings when they are hanging around bugging you? Probably not. So you have every right to let them know that you don't have time for them, or that they are distracting you from your work, or whatever the case may be. Some people prey on your kindness and use it against you. I'm not saying in a really bad way (although there are those too), but they know they can over extend their welcome with you and you won't say anything. This may not even be a conscious thing on their part. But you have to trust and honor your feelings. Give it a try. Say whatever you're thinking. What's the worst that could happen? They leave you alone?
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Posted by octopusprime on May 11, 2004, at 20:54:33
In reply to I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by Susan J on May 11, 2004, at 14:21:45
susan j -
i've said it before and i'll say it again - VACATION!
when i am ready to murder each and every one of my coworkers it's time to go away. in a week's time you'll dislike them less
ps - way to go on the assertive tell people want you want them to do front! the other key word for that is CONSISTENT. if you do it EVERY time, people take behavioural hints ...
Posted by spoc on May 11, 2004, at 22:21:39
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help. » Susan J, posted by B2chica on May 11, 2004, at 15:49:24
Those are some good tips on procuring "space!" But what about when office politics dictate that it doesn't go over well to keep to oneself a lot, or never participate in the occasional planned events? Other than not taking that job, how do you handle that?
I can have a hard time re-focusing after I stop something or am interrupted, so aside from anything else, that's another reason I'm often better off keeping to myself as much as possible. But I know that meeting a certain level of socializing can matter a lot in just about any kind of office. Pretty funny to think of being an employee who is *told* to goof off a little sometimes, huh?
I'm glad to hear some people talk about this -- most people are so easy-going here that I often imagine them being the same with everyone in real life too, and never being bothered by such things! ;- )
Posted by karen_kay on May 11, 2004, at 22:32:20
In reply to I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by Susan J on May 11, 2004, at 14:21:45
uh oh! i think i'm a combination of all of those people. the girl who touches too much, who won't leave your office, and who only hangs out with women to get new men.. oh dear, i'd never really noticed..
i think when i work (stop laughing, i really used to work you know!) i try to do everything i can to avoid actually working. now, most people i thought did appreciate my time-consuming socializing, as it helped them get through their days as well. and i don't think anyone ever told me to leave, so i'm ok, i think?
i think the best way to not let it get on your nerves is to think to yourself, 'hey, at least i'm popular' that would help me anyway.... and if they don't take the hint, can you just say, 'i'm leaving' as soon as they walk in to your office. if everytime they come in, you get up to leave, i'd think they would get the hint.
Posted by finelinebob on May 11, 2004, at 22:48:52
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by spoc on May 11, 2004, at 22:21:39
> Those are some good tips on procuring "space!" But what about when office politics dictate that it doesn't go over well to keep to oneself a lot, or never participate in the occasional planned events? Other than not taking that job, how do you handle that?
If they can't come to you, go to them or find neutral ground. Do you have any conference rooms? If so, the boss is paying for rent on those! Make your boss happy by putting them to work ... besides, if your work culture is colaborate!, then make sure everyone can see you doing it ;^)
otherwise, I am 100% with octopusprime: VACATION!
I got so crabby once, my boss forced me to take a paid vacation.....
flb
Posted by spoc on May 11, 2004, at 23:52:58
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help. » spoc, posted by finelinebob on May 11, 2004, at 22:48:52
It's ironic how the pattern really reversed itself over time for me. I used to be THAT one, the one who would arrive at the office all chatty-Karen-like (OOPS! I mean chatty-Cathy-like); doing comedy routines about everything from my ride over to fishing my dental floss out from that crevice between the vanity and tub to the major events of our time. Anything to keep from settling down and trying to focus. Then, by the last time I had an in-office job, I couldn't let myself risk just about any interaction lest I never be able to focus at all. Two different ways of addressing the same issue, I now believe!
But, underlying it all, no matter what I did always feel the need for a door and walls to peruse. Big time.At that last job (same one as now actually, only the physical office closed), I worked in an open room with several people, no cubes even (yes, I would even rather have a cube). So a dear colleague actually surrounded my desk with all the tall file cabinets and bookcases, to simulate an office for me! It felt a little embarrassing at first since we could all totally hear each other but I was the only freak-a-zoid who couldn't be seen, but I ended up working much better that way. My bosses only giggled and apparently didn't think too much about it, or so I believed! :- D
Posted by Susan J on May 12, 2004, at 8:42:46
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by spoc on May 11, 2004, at 23:52:58
Thanks for all the tips. :-) I do a couple of them already, like walk out as soon as they walk in. And I thought about piling stuff on the chair, but there are a couple of people whose visits I genuinely enjoy, and don't want them to stop dropping by. :-)
I'll figure it out. It helps to know that others go through this stuff, too.
Thanks!
Susan
Posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 8:48:58
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by TexasChic on May 11, 2004, at 16:36:50
I was thinking about this on the drive home yesterday, and I realized I should have told you about something my therapist taught me about standing up to people without offending them. The way it works is first you have to realize that this is your problem and not theirs. They're not bothered by hanging around you desk ect, you are. So you start off with saying, "I have a problem." Then you would say something like, "I have alot of work to do right now, and I have this problem with being easily distracted." (You could throw in how your boss got onto you for that assignment being late too). Then you say, "It would really help me out if we only chat on designated break times away from my desk, then I wouldn't be tempted to goof off." Or something like that. I tried this and it blew me away how well it worked. It felt kind of manipulative at first, but then I realized as long as you tell the truth, all you're doing is rephrasing a request.
Now I really have a problem with people who make up excuses rather than tell me the truth. So to me the truthfulness part is important. But as long as you realize its your problem, and phrase it in a way that is a request for them to help you out, it works really really well. There's no hurt feelings and they actually feel good about helping you out.
Of course there are those people out there who intentionally try to manipulate you, and if they won't cooperate you usually just have to say it flat out. But at that point you have every right to just tell them exactly what the problem is. If they really want to be your friend, they will cooperate.
Anyway, I hope this helps. I really don't know what to do about the forced socializing thing because I'm in the same boat. But I just *try* to never be fake. I smile at the people I like, and I just walk by the people I don't as if I have something important on my mind. And if someone's trying to chat with me I just give short and vague responses until they realize I'm trying to work.
Posted by Susan J on May 12, 2004, at 9:01:15
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 8:48:58
>>I really don't know what to do about the forced socializing thing because I'm in the same boat.
<<Yeah, I know what you mean. One of my problems is none of us has any work to do right now, so I can't claim work. And another problem is I don't mind socializing with *most* of these people who bug me in my office, if I'm out in the hallway or something. I don't know how to describe it. It's like I'd much rather surf the net without being bothered than to talk to someone who plops down in the chair and starts chatting. But it's OK if I'm out in the hallway and bump into someone.And then I've got self-confidence issues, like why would these people even *want* to talk to me? Aren't I being arrogant thinking I'll hurt their feelings by asking them to leave?
Thanks for the insight, yes it's definitely *my* problem. :-) One guy, though, the more I blow him off, the more he pops into my office. Like I'll tell him I'm busy, and he'll come back a half hour later and ask if I'm still busy. I say yes, and he'll pop back in about 20 minutes later, and ask again. It's insane.
I'm going to have to tell them to just go away. God, it's not like they get interesting conversation from me when I'm in this mood. I pretty much ignore them when they are in my office.....just bizzare.
Thanks again. :-)
Posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 9:20:08
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help. » TexasChic, posted by Susan J on May 12, 2004, at 9:01:15
> Thanks for the insight, yes it's definitely *my* problem. :-) One guy, though, the more I blow him off, the more he pops into my office. Like I'll tell him I'm busy, and he'll come back a half hour later and ask if I'm still busy. I say yes, and he'll pop back in about 20 minutes later, and ask again. It's insane.
You **do** realize that there are situations where not liking someone is completely justified, right. This is one of them. It's not you.
;^)
flb
Posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 9:50:27
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 9:20:08
> You **do** realize that there are situations where not liking someone is completely justified, right. This is one of them. It's not you.
You're right. And I didn't mean to inply its her fault. But I just found it helps to realize you are the one being annoyed, so the 'annoyer' really has no reason to change their actions unless you ask them to. I hope that makes sense.
Posted by Susan J on May 12, 2004, at 9:59:32
In reply to Re: I don't like a lot of people -- Help., posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 9:50:27
I know what you mean. And I agree with FLB, too. I actually prefer to think of it as *my* problem because that gives me more control over the situation. And yeah, these people who get on my nerves, tend to get on *everyone's* nerves....
Life's just easier when you don't dislike so many people. I just want to get back to that point.
Posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 11:34:32
In reply to I didn't take it as being my fault » TexasChic, posted by Susan J on May 12, 2004, at 9:59:32
I realize your question was concerning not liking people in general, and we've kind of gotten off that. I guess I feel like I've learned that when you handle people in a certain way, and don't allow them to do the things that bother you so much, then you end up liking them more. Of course, there's always going to be the people you just don't like. Like I've written before about my friend's boyfriend and how I hate him. I've gone through the whole scenario of trying to like him, to no avail. I just don't like him – he's a jerk with arrogant, racist, hippocritical, self serving views. So yeah, there are some people you will just not get along with no matter what.
As far as disliking people as a whole, which I think is more what you were talking about, I think alot of people go through a period of that in their lives. I know I have. There's been times I've just wanted to yell at the top of my voice, "Why can't people just be normal!!" I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like that as long as its not to the extent that you give up on the human race all together and go live like a hermit. Sometimes you just have to get away from all the people you've surrounded yourself with to get a better perspective. For instance, my last job was filled with people who were back stabbers, gossipers and liars. After being there for five years, it felt like the whole world was that way. Which in my world, it was. But I changed jobs and met new people who are so different, that I realize now how bogged down I was in the misery of the company of those people. So sometimes you just have to get out and meet new people to realize you don't really hate *everybody*, it just feels that way sometimes. I hope that made sense.
Posted by spoc on May 12, 2004, at 12:48:21
In reply to Re: I didn't take it as being my fault, posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 11:34:32
Very good point Tex (sorry, is that ok? From over here in the Midwest it sounds neat anyway!), about situational aspects of what can otherwise appear to be general "personality traits." Sometimes something that is occurring in one area of our lives can slant how we feel and react in other seemingly similar -- or broad -- areas. Of course, either way, it's gonna be important to find our way out of that; and also to be able to see and admit when what's going on really *isn't* as "simple" as that. In other words no matter which it is, of course we want to commit to finding the best way to improve it, but sometimes it is warranted to give ourselves and our makeup the benefit of the doubt.
But your words are helpful to remember lest one write themselves off as a "bad person" prematurely and inaccurately. I was just commenting elsewhere about some realizations I had recently about a situational influence; that was ending up with me seeming to feel, perceive and address some things in ways that are actually pretty uncharacteristic for me. It helped, towards both easing my own mind and being more able/likely to start isolating and working on the *actual* root situation. ;- )
Posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 13:29:14
In reply to Re: I didn't take it as being my fault » TexasChic, posted by spoc on May 12, 2004, at 12:48:21
I've been coming to some realizations lately too. For instance, I'm always getting mad when a friend goes somewhere and doesn't invite me along. An example would be like when my friend called me from her car on the way to the movies one time to ask me about a restaurant (we live fairly close to each other). I felt slighted because she didn't ask me along knowing I love movies and we have yet to see one together. I was really quite mad about it.
Then I started to see a parrallel with a friendship I severed a few months ago. I started thinking,"You know, I want people to invite me places because they enjoy my company and want me around, and if they don't feel that, I can't get mad at them for it".
Its kind of a painful lesson, but it has really giving me food for thought. I'm still thinking it through, and am not quite sure what to do with this knowledge, but I think maybe I've actually had a breakthrough or something!
Oh, and by the way, you can call me Tex, or Billy Bob, or cowpoke (I'm not ever sure what that means) or whatever you want. I'm not sensitive about southern analogies. Just as long as you remember I *don't* like country music! :-)
Posted by TexasChic on May 13, 2004, at 10:42:54
In reply to Re: realizations, posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 13:29:14
Okay, I know I shouldn't be upset about this, but here it goes. My friend just got back from a week long trip. While we were catching up with her she gave our other friend (there's three of us at work that hang out) a picture frame she got her and said it was a house warming present (she just moved). Then she told us what all she got for herself, as well as a hat for her boyfriend. I felt so hurt! I was like, she couldn't have just picked up a little something for me just so I wouldn't feel left out? I realize I'm being exactly how I spoke about in the email above, but I can't seem to rationalize it in my brain. I think I just want someone to care about me so badly. I wish I could stop it and just be happy when someone does show they care (which she has a number of times) and not have this hurt feeling when that gesture is not there but I *feel* like it should be. I know its insecurity and I am really trying to work on that, but it sure is freaking hard!
Posted by spoc on May 13, 2004, at 22:35:02
In reply to Re: realizations / Arg!!!!, posted by TexasChic on May 13, 2004, at 10:42:54
Yeah, I hear you on knowing the 'right' way to look at things but in the gut still feeling the sensitivity at times.
I can see how that situation could make you feel, but the flip side sounds pretty logical too so maybe it wasn't personal? Since one friend was "due" a housewarming gift and the other parties were the girl herself and her boyfriend... Now, if she had come back and publicly handed out mementoes to only select people present, THAT would clearly be tactless, but as it is, unless you know better it looks to me like it could be innocent. So while the thoughtfulness of a token gift would have been better, at least there doesn't appear to have been any excluding or "favoritism" going on...
I know this is just one instance of a larger thing, but in this case sounds like it may be safe to assume it meant nothing...? ;- )
Posted by TexasChic on May 14, 2004, at 8:12:23
In reply to Re: realizations / Arg!!!! » TexasChic, posted by spoc on May 13, 2004, at 22:35:02
Thanks spoc. Yeah, I know it was nothing. I just wish I could keep my mind from automatically going in that direction.
My therapist says I need to surround myself with more friends, that way I'm not so dependent on the two I have. Then I probably wouldn't be so sensitive to the little things.
I just wish I could control the paranoia. It can be a bit maddening at times. I guess its the old self esteem at work. Or should I say, the lack there of.
This is the end of the thread.
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