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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
and I think I will. I had a heavy therapy session last night, all my father abandonment issues were kicked up, I'd been crying, still felt bad this morning, didn't feel like going to work but I went, puffy eyes and all.
It was an OK work day, then people went out to dinner. It was all guys except me, and I really was making an effort to be sociable, keeping up my end of the conversation, but I kept feeling like nobody wanted to connect with me, like I wasn't really all that welcome. So here I did this 'social' thing and came away feeling more isolated, and since they're all male, maybe it's triggering even more of the father stuff, I don't know. I'm about equally mad at them (and dad) for not wanting me, and at some level telling myself it's my fault, there's something wrong with me that nobody wants to be close to me.
I just feel like I'm at my wit's end as far as the social isolation. I don't know when it's ever going to change, and I just feel like I can't take any more. It's just grinding me down. I haven't felt this hopeless in a long time.
Posted by All Done on April 29, 2004, at 0:25:00
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
(((tabitha))),
I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. You were so strong to get yourself to work and then even go out to dinner with the guys. You are very strong and brave.
Just know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are so great here at Babble! You are a very special person and those guys are crazy not taking the opportunity to connect with you.
I hope things turn around for you very soon. Big hugs (((((tabitha))))).
Take care,
All Done
Posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 8:44:26
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
(((tabitha)))
I struggle with social isolation too. You were brave to go to work and out to dinner. I have had so many evenings when I just hole up at home in my little cocoon. You are doing a great thing by putting yourself out there.
And making the effort really is the point, I think. Literally sticking our necks out eventually leads to someone responding to it. You are doing a good thing!
rainyday
Posted by gardenergirl on April 29, 2004, at 8:44:30
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by All Done on April 29, 2004, at 0:25:00
Tabitha,
Intense sessions can really bleed over into the rest of the week. I hope that it gets a bit better each day. Can you call your T if not?Going out with the "boys" can be really isolating. I'm sorry it didn't go better. But I'm glad you are posting here!
Take care.
(((tabitha)))
gg
Posted by fallsfall on April 29, 2004, at 9:02:07
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
Tabitha,
I'm sorry you are hurting. So many of us at Babble do want to connect with you. Be patient with yourself. You are doing a lot. Therapy about your dad, group work. That is a lot. My guess is that in a little while things will settle down and you'll find that you have grown a bit from all of this stress and pain.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could grow withOUT the stress and pain? Sigh.
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2004, at 9:07:19
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
I hope it was one of those good releasing cries, Tabitha.
I don't know about you, but social engagements usually go worse for me if I'm already feeling bad. It makes me feel so far removed from these happy normal people. Maybe you should give these men another try when you're feeling well to begin with.
As far as you being flawed, I seriously doubt it. I remember last summer when you made a decision to date, a guy who really liked you emerged in no time. And why not? You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.
Posted by Ivan Michael on April 29, 2004, at 10:25:11
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
hey there girl. i feel the same way at times. i dont have father issues, but no matter where i go, even if its with my closest friends, even my true love, i just dont feel like anieone wants to talk to me or be with me or aniething. I'm sorrie that you feel this way. i wish that there was some way that i could help. I'll always be on this site so i'll look for your name and post you if you'd like.
i'll see ya around
Ivan
Posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 11:30:06
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by Ivan Michael on April 29, 2004, at 10:25:11
all your good wishes. I usually feel better in the morning, and this morning I feel a little better. Healthier thinking tells me that yeah, going out with a bunch of guys, younger guys at that, isn't likely to be a real bonding experience. I was feeling vulnerable to begin with.
I do feel accepted here at babble, except for occasional moments when I'm sure I'm killing threads. Maybe I come across better in writing than in person. That's a little depressing to think.
I had an idea.. the key is mingling. That's the starting point of making friends, right? Here at babble there's mingling-- that's the whole point, everyone wants to talk to each other and get to know each other, right? Where are the face to face situations like that? I don't hole up in my room all the time. I go out a lot-- to the bookstore, the coffeeshop, the stores, but at all those places nobody is really mingling much. Everyone is just keeping to themselves taking care of business. Where is all the mingling? Even at supposedly fun events, like this street fair thing I went to, there wasn't much mingling. My therapist tells me it's OK to talk to people anywhere, but dagnabbit, I feel weird doing that in a place where pretty much everyone is keeping to themselves. I need to either get more activities that have mingling, or start being in mingling mindset more, or something. Maybe I'm missing opportunities.
Posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 12:26:53
In reply to Re: so nice to hear, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 11:30:06
The thought of mingling terrifies me. I expect people to smile vacantly at me and turn away. Plus I worked in sales for a long time, and of course people do that when you're trying to sell them something.
More frightening is actually being introduced to someone. I think the world of you for going out with the guys!
coweringly yours,
rainyday
Posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2004, at 15:34:54
In reply to Mingling, posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 12:26:53
Yes, you were strong to go out with the guys. It may not have worked out as you would have liked, but at least your putting yourself out there. On the other hand, if you're feeling bad maybe you need to take care of yourself first, then try to connect. I know when I'm out and I'm depressed, it seems as if it shows on my face and everyone steers clear of me. But I guess the key is to keep trying.
I'm having trouble figuring out how to mingle myself. I'm about to move out by myself and my T is a little concerned I may isolate myself as I have in the past. But I'm going to try my best not to! I'm thinking I'll try to take a sculpture or painting class this summer. Even if I don't meet anyone, at least I'll have a new hobby to keep me company.
Posted by Angela2 on April 29, 2004, at 15:44:40
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 0:05:23
Hi Tabitha
I'm sorry that those guys were treating you like you weren't welcome. It seems like guys are that way when they are together without any girls, like a male bonding thing. Girls have cooties, etc.
Maybe you could make a list of male friends you have or just males that you feel you can count on. It might make you feel better.
Angela2
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2004, at 16:51:59
In reply to Re: so nice to hear, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 11:30:06
Too bad you don't have dogs. I stepped right back into the obedience community. And church of course. It helps to have a topic at hand so you don't have to make the big plunge of just introducing yourself and making small talk. I'll bet there are other ready made communities as well. Hmmmm.....
Posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 23:33:05
In reply to Re: Mingling, posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2004, at 15:34:54
art classes are fun.. Hobbies I've got, I need some pals. I was kinda mad because I looked on meetup.com for some hobby groups-- and the big one was knitting, which I was doing a few months ago, but now I'm sick of it, so I looked for a sewing group, and apparently it's not a popular hobby in my town :-(
Posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 23:35:29
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by Angela2 on April 29, 2004, at 15:44:40
yeah, I think the 1 female + N males just isn't a good ratio. They were sort of in guy mode, maybe nobody wanted to seem to be talking to the girl. Some men actually talked to me in the buffet line though. Maybe I should've switched tables.
Posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 23:41:19
In reply to Re: Mingling » tabitha, posted by Dinah on April 29, 2004, at 16:51:59
my therapist, god bless her, got out the alternative weekly paper and looked up some groups. Her big idea was for me to do the breast cancer walk, where you walk for 3 days and have to train and stuff. Sounds like a lot of work just to get some mingling.. but I'll look into it.
She also pointed out I could have made more effort at the church I was going to. There was a social period, but somehow it didn't work too well for me. I just didn't have any conversation openers. I guess 'how did you like the service' would be fine, huh?
I have a new goal anyway.. seek out mingling opportunities, wherever they may be.. and mingle! Mingle!
That's why I liked the BurningMan festival so much. It was like a city of 20,000 people and everyone mingled all day long. Then I come home to the usual, where nobody makes eye contact or says hello, except the rare occasion. Why the heck can't public society be a little more open and friendly?
Posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 23:55:04
In reply to Mingling, posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 12:26:53
Aw rainyday, if you're a shy person it took a lot of guts to do sales. That must be my worst nightmare profession. If you were here I'd drag you out by the hand and lead you into some low-risk mingling situations. I found 12 step groups pretty non-threatening, if you find a small one. You all get to talk first in a structured format, so by the time the informal mingling happens, at least you aren't facing total strangers.
Posted by octopusprime on April 30, 2004, at 8:20:48
In reply to Re: Mingling » Dinah, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 23:41:19
tabitha:
burning man, eh? i'd love to go! maybe we can make a trek ...
so you want the mingling without the training. are there any outdoors groups in the area? where i live, there are many hiking groups. you can just drop in for a hike in the woods (if you are reasonably fit). some of them don't have membership fees ... some do. the ones that do are a tighter-knit community. they do slideshows of the great outdoors, and do big fancy mountaineering trips (ski touring, climbing, etc.) ... those are a little fancy for me, but the slack groups are right up my alley! i have met many nice people on hiking trails.
i've been very happy drumming. some groups are a little new-agey and out there for my taste. but others are not. i've met a lot of nice people drumming, and i'm starting to get to know people almost to the point of making friends. (of course, that's after seven months ... it's slow to open up)
oh and also social dancing is good for making friends. i didn't find anybody particularly interesting at the urban barn dances in my area, but the dancing was fun, and the positive male attention during the dance (swing your partner!!!!) was a big confidence boost!
i guess that's the point ... time! i don't know if you are sort of like me ... getting bored of something before you really get a chance to click with a group of people ... but i find that it's harder for me to make friends now, i have to stick with an activity for a long time before it (and the people involved with it) really clicks ...
ps - about men - i socialize almost exclusively with men. the conversational gambits are a little different - ask them about hockey, their vehicles, their work, and they will open up ... they ask about you almost incidentally ... men love talking about themselves and like it when you ask ... but i'm not surprised if they don't pay attention when the topic isn't themselves :)
Posted by TexasChic on April 30, 2004, at 10:07:24
In reply to Re: Mingling » Dinah, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 23:41:19
If you or anyone else discovers any good mingling opportunities, let me know. I'm looking too. I think we should keep each other updated as to our progress. Its a pretty big and important step, and I for one can use all the help I can get! :-)
Posted by Ivan Michael on April 30, 2004, at 10:25:59
In reply to Re: so nice to hear, posted by tabitha on April 29, 2004, at 11:30:06
well i geuss that's true. i do like to mingle and chat with people. i personallie prefer this way over face to face. i don't reallie like myself and have a low self asteem. but i don't think that it's a bad thing. this way people can actuallie see you for who you reallie are and you don't need to hide aniething. they can't judge you on looks or your voice or aniething except who you reallie are. that's one reason why i like this site. you make real friends here.
Posted by tabitha on April 30, 2004, at 11:18:37
In reply to Re: Mingling » tabitha, posted by octopusprime on April 30, 2004, at 8:20:48
> tabitha:
>
> burning man, eh? i'd love to go! maybe we can make a trek ...You wouldn't happen to be anywhere in southern california, would you? I went in 97 and 99, last year I 'almost' went, this year I'm thinking of it again, I have a friend who's also thinking.. but knowing me I might balk at the execution. It's a lot of preparation and a long drive.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 9:26:21
In reply to Mingling, posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 12:26:53
Tabitha,
Can you pretend you are channeling Karen Kay? For some reason, she has this knack for making small talk with stangers and finding out everything about them. Perhaps if you try this: "And the role of KK is temporarily being played by Tabitha." And just go for it!Okay, perhaps easier said than done. Maybe KK can jump in with some wisdom.
gg
Posted by tabitha on May 1, 2004, at 10:22:38
In reply to Re: Mingling, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 9:26:21
good idea.. actually even if I could channel my online self into 3D it would help. I'm not super-shy here am I? Of course I'm no KK.. that's setting the bar a bit high ;-)
Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2004, at 10:43:10
In reply to Re: Mingling » gardenergirl, posted by tabitha on May 1, 2004, at 10:22:38
Interesting idea, Tabitha. Sometimes I pretend to be Dinah in real life, and it works out fine. I don't always have the energy. But maybe you could go to those coffee shops pretending to be Tabitha?
Posted by octopusprime on May 1, 2004, at 13:53:00
In reply to Re: Mingling » octopusprime, posted by tabitha on April 30, 2004, at 11:18:37
tabitha:
i'm in british columbia. i think it would be about a 16 hour drive. long but doable :)
Posted by tabitha on May 1, 2004, at 17:08:58
In reply to Re: Mingling » tabitha, posted by octopusprime on May 1, 2004, at 13:53:00
> tabitha:
> i'm in british columbia. i think it would be about a 16 hour drive. long but doable :)My drive is nearly that long. My routine was to leave early in the AM, arrive after dark, sleep in my car, then pitch camp the next morning. On the way home it was longer, since it took a couple hours to get out, and I'd stop halfway at a hotel. If you want to exchange more info, let's email. I'm silverfish2 at aol. It is really quite an experience.
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