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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 7:20:31
I feel like I am running around a theatre screaming FIRE! I have been reading SO many books on creativity, spirituality, empowerment, development... I am a school project gone wrong. No focus, nothing grabbing me, just looking everywhere for something to feed a gnawing emptiness inside. I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere: unable to make friends, unwilling to put myself in situations where I might make friends because I am no good at it. I'm no good at work (where I just answer the phones, for goodness' sake!), can't keep a committment to exercise or diet. I get a head full of ideas and it's like they run out of my head onto the pillow overnight. Not that I could carry any of them out.
Running and getting nowhere fast. Can't concentrate on calming or slowing down my thoughts. I hate myself this way.
My husband gives me a hard time about having to take ambien to sleep - but my meds jump me up so bad, I'll lie there for hours otherwise. So I feel like I'm no good even at SLEEPING.
Yuck, yuck, yuck. Can I trade this soul in for a used one??
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 8:36:57
In reply to Too many pots on the stove at once!, posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 7:20:31
rainyday.,
some people dont have a pot to pi** in :)
i can relate to everything you posted.
my c will be very upset when he comes home to find i am taking a ms and seroquel again..
you need to do what is best for you..
sleeping is so very important.what i do to center myself is to tackle my activities in small doses..
20 minutes of crying, empty dishwasher, read for 5, think about laundry, radio on, look in fridge, radio off, open a diet coke with lime, tame thoughts of putting fist through window, reread the previous chapter, think about laundry...:)j
Posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 8:47:18
In reply to Re: Too many pots on the stove at once! » rainyday, posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 8:36:57
Great strategy! I really let my thoughts get so far ahead of the rest of me that I get frustrated. Also I am still recovering from a bout of confusion that too many meds caused 2 weeks ago. I am just beginning to remember things like actors' names in movies on TV. I am usually a whiz at stuff like that. (My favourite is identifying actors who do voiceovers. I am NOT a nerd!) Multi-tasking is no longer within my grasp. One thing at a time is sensible for almost everything in life, isn't it?
Thank you, jyl.
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 8:59:44
In reply to Re: Too many pots on the stove at once! » justyourlaugh, posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 8:47:18
rainy,
multi tasking is warning sign for me.
large amounts of alcohol use to help me focus on one thing..i thought it was good but apparently i was only focusing on what a drunk i was.
i find it so difficult to even watch tv.,let alone guess why jeff goldblum is trying to sell me a ford:)
jyl
Posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 9:11:08
In reply to Re: Too many pots on the stove at once! » rainyday, posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 8:59:44
That was my biggest crutch for a long long time. One of my (many) recent frustrations has been getting into a "women for sobriety" type group where I'll feel comfortable. I have a hard time with smoking - second-hand, the smell of on clothing or people's breath.
I talked to one lady yesterday from a group who was calling me back on her cigarette break and wouldn't let me put her on hold to talk to her more privately (and I'm a receptionist sitting out in the open here). She gave me directions before the end of the day but I talked myself out of going.
I am sober now but really struggle on evenings when I am alone at home. If I go to a mall or something I just feel more isolated. If I get on PB, I am more likely to have a drink at my elbow.
Sigh.
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 9:30:02
In reply to Re: Booze, posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 9:11:08
rainy,
i have only been sober for 10 days..
during this time i have been smoking heavily and find it difficult to eat anything...
i think about it constantly and know i cant make it..
my goal was to not drink until i see my t so i could tell him how good i am doing..
i feel he doesnt want to see me anymore.
i see him in an hour.
sighing too
Posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 10:26:36
In reply to Re: Booze » rainyday, posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 9:30:02
> rainy,
> i have only been sober for 10 days..
ONLY?? I can only stay sober when my husband is at home. He goes out of town and get so lonely I crawl into a bottle. He doesn't even know about it. I feel horrible for hiding.> during this time i have been smoking heavily and find it difficult to eat anything...
> i think about it constantly and know i cant make it..i think about it all the time too. I know you can make it, but it is not a contest of willpower. This is a sickness of the soul, I really believe that. Don't be so hard on yourself.
> my goal was to not drink until i see my t so i could tell him how good i am doing..
> i feel he doesnt want to see me anymore.
> i see him in an hour.
> sighing tooI don't think we can stay sober for *anybody* except ourselves. Trying to impress or please others always disappoints me.
Hope your appointment goes better than you expect - post when you get back.
rainyday
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 13:39:04
In reply to Re: Booze » justyourlaugh, posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 10:26:36
oh rainy,
i feel so dirty..
i sat there in my t's office shaking and ticing..
we talked about mother and drinking.
i was so frazzled..he suggested i call him to make another appointment..i dont think i ever will(i feel i used up my time..)
i hope only you read this..
he kept trying to make me say "i am an alcoholic"
the closest i came was "im just like my mother"
i am drinking right now , the kids will be home soon and i dont want to look like i am mentally ill infront of them...
c has not called in 2 days..he emailed me to say he was to busy to call:(
thanks for listening, even though this is a post to be supportive towards you...sorry
j
Posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 13:46:18
In reply to back..., posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 13:39:04
> oh rainy,
> i feel so dirty..
> i sat there in my t's office shaking and ticing..
> we talked about mother and drinking.
> i was so frazzled..he suggested i call him to make another appointment..i dont think i ever will(i feel i used up my time..)Used up?? It sounds like you are just starting!!
> i hope only you read this..
email me at nancytrautman at yahoo dot com
> he kept trying to make me say "i am an alcoholic"
> the closest i came was "im just like my mother"
> i am drinking right now , the kids will be home soon and i dont want to look like i am mentally ill infront of them...
> c has not called in 2 days..he emailed me to say he was to busy to call:(
> thanks for listening, even though this is a post to be supportive towards you...sorry
> jListen I know that the hardest thing in the world is to not drink. Us 'uns got to keep together, you know?
Email me,
rainyday
Posted by Tootercat on April 20, 2004, at 14:49:20
In reply to for jyl, posted by rainyday on April 20, 2004, at 13:46:18
I am sober and have been for a little over 14 years. I think I've probably mentioned this before. It is a sickness of the soul. It is not something that can be overcome alone or by will power. Just not drinking doesn't make a person sober. I call that "so-dry-ety" because you do the same behavior just no alcohol to make it worse. My personal answer was and is AA. It isn't for everybody but it saved my sorry butt. And I didn't want it in the beginning...DMV forced the issue (bless their little peapickin hearts)It has taught me to be honest and how to live life on life's terms even at it's worst. there is NOTHING a drink will make better but it will always make it worse. AA meetings in alot of cities are NON-smoking (especially here in CA) I didn't want to be an alcoholic because it would mean I was a "loser". Now I am SO happy that because of my alcoholism I have been given a second chance to live life not survive it. Nobody can make you admit that you are an alcoholic; tell your T to back off. Only you and God (if you believe in one)can make that decision. Alcoholics are not old men in raincoats drinking out of a paper bag in the gutter (as I once believed) they are people of many races, genders, and professions who have been given a challenge in their lives and the bottle was the answer for a period of time. For me booze gave me beauty, courage, wit, and a kinship with people. At a point it stopped working and became my master and I began self destructing. I feel for both of you and wish you courage to do what is right for YOU!
It is not easy but the thing to remember is that you don't have to do it alone and it is ONE DAY AT A TIME!Love to both,
Toots
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 20, 2004, at 15:14:42
In reply to to jyl and rainy, posted by Tootercat on April 20, 2004, at 14:49:20
thankyou tooter,
your words are very helpful..
however it is so hard to imagine being sober for 14 years..
you are so right ..one day at a time..or minute.
kind of the same way i deal with living..
you are a great inspiration to everyone toots..
thankyou for being you.
jyl
Posted by rainyday on April 21, 2004, at 10:17:00
In reply to to jyl and rainy, posted by Tootercat on April 20, 2004, at 14:49:20
Thanks for your concern and encouragement. I did try AA for 1 1/2 years and decided it wasn't for me. I have no problemos admitting to my acoholism. It has evolved; I had no idea my behaviour patterns would change. Some days I give it no thought at all and go on with my life. At other times (and they do seem to be when I am manic), I have used it to block out conections with the Real World.
I consider myself actively looking for the right treatment for myself. In the meantime I use resources like this board for strength.
rainyday
Posted by rainyday on April 21, 2004, at 19:21:26
In reply to Re: to jyl and rainy » Tootercat, posted by rainyday on April 21, 2004, at 10:17:00
I looked into Women For Sobriety and decided that was not for me either. I am a square peg in a round hole. However, I do not despair!! I am certain that I will find the right path for me - that if it does not exsist, I will create it for myself.
14 years sober!! You are astounding.
Posted by Tootercat on April 22, 2004, at 11:08:34
In reply to Hello, Toots, posted by rainyday on April 21, 2004, at 19:21:26
Rainy rainy rainy!
Life is a journey and many of us take different paths to get to the same destination. Whatever path you take I wish you courage and strength and love. Just remember to breathe and to allow assistance and support to make the journey a little more tolerable if not enjoyable. I would not have what I have if I had tried to do it alone...
Love ya,
Toots
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