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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
and i've been bothered by the fact that since I was in Cali I didn't give money to the homeless. ANd it's not that I don't trust them, it's just that I didn't carry cash on me. And I had money in the bank. And I didn't give them money. And it's honestly killling me right now. And I don't want to "get used to it". I don't ever want to get used to seeing people in pain, or grow uesd to seeing people in need on a daily basis and not feel bad aobut it. And I don't want to hear "You can't change the world". I'm just angry for being so cold and not doing what I should have. Sorry, just had ot get it out... (I have therapy tomorrow, perhaps I'll cry then too?)
Posted by Dinah on March 29, 2004, at 18:47:14
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
If it bothers you, you can send a check to a homeless shelter in the same area.
There are many ways to help people. You don't have to feel guilty about not doing one of them.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:50:17
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
Karen I am older and stupid :P and sometimes I cannot give cash for the same reason but there are always homeless places you can send money to to help them and you...so many charities..I like that one Make a Wish....its nice to see the kids get a wish a dream come true. Don't beat yourself up over missing a chance you have a lifetime of homeless people to help amd others
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 29, 2004, at 20:24:27
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
Oh Sweetie are you crying?
I know exactually how you feel.
I too have had a very hard time with not giving enough to those who are less fortunate than me.
I'm sorry you are so sad right now.
You give so much to everybody just by being alive and sending out your wonderful energy.
We all love you so much.
Posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 22:23:02
In reply to Re: I'm young and stupid, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:50:17
Hey, I "overheard" you somewhere else here tonight, and just wanted to say you've got s-o-m-m-m-m-e style about you! Bringing that sense of calm and "chatty normalcy" to a serious situation that probably needed exactly that. Don't ever say you're not a very smart cookie again -- too late, I ain't buying it! (And to think the first thread I ever surfed in on was you and someone else trading winks and one liners about dressing up for the Ts!)
Sorry to interrupt, just wanted to tell you that you as well as so many others around here are really swell! : )
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 22:35:34
In reply to Re: I'm young (maybe) and stupid (NOT!) » Fallen4myT, posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 22:23:02
My you're a pretty smart cookie yourself to see that :P I didn't think it obvious Shall I chat on my new nail polish now lol...Tis called blush
Posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 23:02:27
In reply to Re: I'm young (maybe) and stupid (NOT!) » spoc, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 22:35:34
> My you're a pretty smart cookie yourself to see that :P I didn't think it obvious Shall I chat on my new nail polish now lol...Tis called blush >
No, not obvious at all, very natural. You done good today! About that manicure -- I have long natural nails and for some reason my manicures last two weeks still looking pretty good! Jealous? No, you probably like to change your polish to match your outfit everyday! And French manicure on the toes I assume? : )
BTW, thanks for the endocrinology post last week but I think it all got eaten in the redirect! [Sorry to the originator for hijacking this thread! Think I'm done now!] : )
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 23:24:09
In reply to Re: I'm young (maybe) and stupid (NOT!) » Fallen4myT, posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 23:02:27
Yes I am jealous lol my nails are not long and I wont do fake ones again they made mine very weak for a long time and having them soaked and cut off...ughhh never again so brat lol I am jealous...um, yes my nails do match my outfits lol BUT it would be nice to pick a basic color when I am very busy and ride a few extra days or two on them. My toes are clear polish till the sandles and open toe shoes come out lol :P and btw, thank you....also on the endocrinologist post....lost? or did they leave a link?? Karen dont care we highjacked her thread lol...IF they lost it I can repost it all. I am tired.
> > My you're a pretty smart cookie yourself to see that :P I didn't think it obvious Shall I chat on my new nail polish now lol...Tis called blush >
>
> No, not obvious at all, very natural. You done good today! About that manicure -- I have long natural nails and for some reason my manicures last two weeks still looking pretty good! Jealous? No, you probably like to change your polish to match your outfit everyday! And French manicure on the toes I assume? : )
>
> BTW, thanks for the endocrinology post last week but I think it all got eaten in the redirect! [Sorry to the originator for hijacking this thread! Think I'm done now!] : )
Posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 23:48:45
In reply to Re: I'm young (maybe) and stupid (NOT!) » spoc, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 23:24:09
Yep, I posted last week to the redirected SSRI thread ("Meds, legit or lazy?"), with the details of the MIA post. I had followed the email link and read your post then the next day it was gone (mine too) after the transplant. Unless it got fixed since then I guess it was just one of those fleeting and beautiful things we couldn't hold on to! Ha ha, it's ok, I think I remember most of it. (And hey -- is that Blush by L'oreal?)
Sorry again Karen, maybe I should start some more Psycho Babble Etiquette subjects! : )
> BUT it would be nice to pick a basic color when I am very busy and ride a few extra days or two on them. My toes are clear polish till the sandles and open toe shoes come out lol :P and btw, thank you....also on the endocrinologist post....lost? or did they leave a link?? Karen dont care we highjacked her thread lol...IF they lost it I can repost it all. I am tired. >
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 30, 2004, at 0:02:04
In reply to Re: I'm young (maybe) and stupid (NOT!) » Fallen4myT, posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 23:48:45
Hahaha Spoc I figured the same thing on the Babble etiquette thread :P
I don't know the name of the company it may be some cheesy cause the bottle was thin and tall not thick and wide like lOREALS...one that makes Blush..its a very pale pink..
I'll look for that thread cause it will bug me lol..I am a loon. If I find it I will post it in a new thread...maybe lol
Posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 0:06:36
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
karen_kay: it's very rarely a good idea to give money directly to homeless people (and panhandlers, not all of them are homeless, and in my town some panhandlers are better dressed than i am).
you're not cold. i, on the other hand, walk by all kinds of panhandlers every day, and i don't think of parting with one red cent (until the united way or some other agency comes calling).
giving out money encourages panhandling. i have had many strange and frightening incidents with panhandlers and other people on the street. i personally would like to discourage panhandling in all its forms.
please give your money to organizations that give out hot food and beds instead.
(caveat: sometimes i feel like i've "given at the office". i've got panhandlers, homeless people, drug dealers, and thieves for neighbours. i've lost two stereos and a car window (and my car has been rifled through with no damage more times than i can count). sometimes i feel like there's no need to give when people will just take.)
Posted by jay on March 30, 2004, at 0:44:26
In reply to boy you guys sure are a lot nicer than i am, posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 0:06:36
I don't mean to sound, uh, "mean" to you, but I am a social worker and have worked with hundreds of panhandlers, beggers, etc. Most need the money because the 'system' still doesn't provide enough, and charities are often very strict, conform-or-be-cast-out organizations. Many also have mental illness, so they would rather sleep under a bridge than risk things like robbery, or assault, in a shelter. (Which takes place very often.) I say if we got a roof over our head, we should consider ourselves very lucky. That street-person could be any of us one day. I have always given money when asked, even if it is only a few dollars. Sorry, but this is a very personal and close topic to me.
IMHO..
Peace,
Jay
Posted by jay on March 30, 2004, at 0:51:56
In reply to boy you guys sure are a lot nicer than i am, posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 0:06:36
Honestly...just a different oppinion. We all have our different reasons.
Best,
Jay
Posted by spoc on March 30, 2004, at 1:13:42
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
Karen, I know that kind of nauseating guilt wave you're talking about. I get it when I see lonely elderly people who are hunched over or otherwise having a hard time getting around, and it rips my heart out of my chest...
Do you live in a big city now? I moved to the heart of one several years ago, where most people do tons of walking to get around. I never would have expected it, but after day in - day out, year in - year out of hardly being able to walk a block without money being solicited, I did pretty much get used to it. When it comes to panhandlers it's hard to feel good about giving to one person and then passing (and bypassing) several more within a few minutes. And I don't mean to generalize but I do see so many regulars -- with ruses well known to locals -- out there too. It does make you wonder more, enough so to prefer charity organizations. We're not helping anyone if in reality we just gave them cash for the very last thing they should be buying. I don't think we *can* assess that trust is generally warranted. It's probably not realistic to believe that it is in the majority of panhandling cases. And at least around here, I believe there is always someplace the homeless can get something to eat or a place to sleep.
At this point I feel better giving through somewhat more organized means, so that "Help the homeless" is less likely to mean "Help me, for the moment." There is also a local newspaper dedicated to the larger cause that the homeless can sell, although I don't know if there are still enough willing buyers. You know, several years ago there was going to be a program launched where stores would sell vouchers in any increment that people could buy to give out, which could be redeemed only for food and necessities. It was also theorized that many of those who didn't really intend to obtain food and necessities would reveal themselves by getting irritated or refusing it when a voucher was offered instead of cash. I don't know what happened to that program, maybe it had "loopholes." Too bad, I had looked forward to handling things that way when asked for help ... But I may be missing something here and if so, I apologize if this offends anyone.
=======
> and i've been bothered by the fact that since I was in Cali I didn't give money to the homeless. ANd it's not that I don't trust them, it's just that I didn't carry cash on me. And I had money in the bank. And I didn't give them money. And it's honestly killling me right now. And I don't want to "get used to it". I don't ever want to get used to seeing people in pain, or grow uesd to seeing people in need on a daily basis and not feel bad aobut it. And I don't want to hear "You can't change the world". I'm just angry for being so cold and not doing what I should have. Sorry, just had ot get it out... (I have therapy tomorrow, perhaps I'll cry then too?)
Posted by spoc on March 30, 2004, at 1:26:51
In reply to P.S. I don't mean harm or anything bad... » octopusprime, posted by jay on March 30, 2004, at 0:51:56
Posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 1:53:06
In reply to Re: boy you guys sure are a lot nicer than i am » octopusprime, posted by jay on March 30, 2004, at 0:44:26
i'm not offended, jay. and i don't think you were mean.
and you are right about the shelters being dangerous, especially for the mentally ill.
and welfare is a joke.
there are so many things wrong with the world we live in and i know a couple of bucks won't change it ...i do feel lucky to have what i have. and i know it's just bad luck that leads some people to the streets. but i have had some very bad experiences with people on the street (somebody taking a lighter to my running car with me in it, somebody different following me home, etc). it makes me wary, and leaves me feeling threatened, bullied, harassed, and unsafe. it hardens the heart.
i admire the work social workers do. i couldn't do it. i lived in a very cheap building before and got really involved with my neighbours. they struggled with addiction. it broke my heart to see what their kids went through. and i was depressed like you would not believe. i couldn't do it any more. i left. and now i just can't be involved any more.
maybe this is too personal ... but i think topics like this are so personal for people that are close to people in poverty ...
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 30, 2004, at 7:52:15
In reply to Re: boy you guys sure are a lot nicer than i am » jay, posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 1:53:06
or in poverty....
Posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 11:01:44
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm the same way. Up until recently, I had been studying to get a degree in Social Work. That's still a dream of mine, I just need to get my life together so I can go back to school. I strongly feel that children, the elderly, and the mentally ill need as many advocates as they can get. But I've had to make a rule for myself that I won't give to panhandlers, because I would want to give to them all! And I'm barely scraping by myself. When I feel bad I remind myself that I'm putting alot of effort in helping my own family by being my Grandmother's caregiver, spending quality time with my nephew as well as buying things he needs, and talking my brother through difficult times with his mental health issues. I also want to work toward a solution for the homeless by staying involved in the legal issues. I know I haven't made a difference in that area yet, but when I am able, I know I will make the effort. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you can only do so much. And just the fact that it effects you the way it does makes me believe you probably already do more than your share in helping others.
Posted by Racer on March 30, 2004, at 12:39:49
In reply to I'm young and stupid, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 18:38:08
I grew out of it.
Now, I'm in California, and I don't carry much cash ever, and I don't ever give money to the homeless, and I do feel really bad about their plight. What do I do, then, to allow myself to look myself in the eye? First, I carried around food to give out to anyone who asked for spare change. That got way too expensive, and a couple of people got abusive when I said, "Gee, I don't have any cash, but I have peanuts and tuna -- would you like some of those?" Excuse me, folks -- if someone offers you something, after telling you they can't give you what you've asked for, "Thanks anyway" is maybe a better response than "F--K you, B---h!" So, I started volunteering instead. THen I got into non-profit management, and board membership. So, now I do something for them as a group, rather than doing it one by one, and I can meet my own eyes in the mirror.
As for young, that you grow out of. Stupid? Depends on your definition -- I know I call myself stupid for doing certain things that really deserve that title, but it doesnt' mean that I think I'm basically unintelligent. I assume you're doing the same thing.
Good luck on learning where your limits are, and consider larger gestures than spare change on the streets: maybe a $20 donation to a homeless shelter a couple of times a year, or showing up for demonstrations at City Hall, or even just writing letters to your representatives.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 17:43:57
In reply to Re: You may be young but you're not stupid » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2004, at 18:47:14
I didn't give in "my own way." I doubted my own ability to make them feel better, so I didn't even stop to talk to them. I would never do that to anyone. I talk to everyone, but in this case I honestly told them "I'm sorry I just don't have any money." But I should have chatted with them. I was at a loss for words, like they wouldn't have wanted to talk to me. I doubted my own ability to help brighten their day. I don't ever want to doubt my ability to do that.
I like to think that I'll talk to anyone and that I help people. But in this case I didn't. I didn't know what to do. I know what I could have done. I could have sat with them and talked for a few minutes, but I felt so bad for not giving them what they asked for I just doubted my ability to make them feel better. I know that giving money won't always help the situation. I think what's hurting me is that I didn't talk to them, the way I would have any other person in the world. I just didn't know what to say to make everything better, or normal, or happy. At the very least, what can I learn from this? (Perhaps I can rehearse lines for the next time?)
Posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 17:46:56
In reply to Re: boy you guys sure are a lot nicer than i am » octopusprime, posted by jay on March 30, 2004, at 0:44:26
Jay, the more I learn about you, the more I realize how special a person you are. You know you're special, don't you? (I agree that the homeless could very well be you or I one day. I tell people that when they make comments about it. It just takes one tough break, doesn't it?)
Posted by rainyday on March 30, 2004, at 18:12:55
In reply to Re: boy you guys sure are a lot nicer than i am » jay, posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 17:46:56
I TRIED to go to an AA meeting yesterday. The place I went to to pick up a meeting schedule was pretty empty, except for some homeless people taking refuge from the sun (I live in Florida). I started bawling, right then and there.
I wanted to help them, I help so ill-equipped to do anything, I felt useless. I ran out sobbing. They just kinda looked at me and went back to their smokes.
I did not go to a meeting. I hung up on my sister-in-law instead. She is a bit of a one-upper. Whatever you have, I have it worse kinda person. Makes ya wanna puke, but it was long distance, so I hung up instead. VERY empowering.
I always want to help these individuals, but feel that I am probably the WORST influence they could have. I should volunteer at a shelter, but many of these souls stay away, so as not to put up with the sermons, etc.
Posted by spoc on March 30, 2004, at 19:11:21
In reply to This is what gets to me though... (to all), posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 17:43:57
> ...I think what's hurting me is that I didn't talk to them, the way I would have any other person in the world. I just didn't know what to say to make everything better, or normal, or happy. At the very least, what can I learn from this? (Perhaps I can rehearse lines for the next time?)
<<< This I hear you on. While it feels like little, when I say I "got used to" the panhandlers in my city, the one thing I never did and never will do is to degrade them by pretending they are not even there. I return their gaze and smile, and often say something in passing. Big whoop, huh. I'm not saying it's something I should be proud of, but I think it is true that these little signals from at least some (or hopefully many) of the passersby does help, in that the homeless person is at least not feeling universally shunned. People on this board talk about knowing their own limitations or trying to know them, and I let fears that I couldn't "be there" to be of further help -- and lack of faith that I could make a difference in a life at that point anyway -- stop me from going further in making conversation. Not a good excuse I'm sure. It does take angels to be committed to this, and thank God there are indeed some out there. Like you said, we all may need one someday. But maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself unless you are a professionally trained angel/volunteer, so that you know the ropes and boundaries better, including your own. Otherwise you may feel compelled to give of yourself exhaustively in all ways, and then burn out, which would serve no further purpose...
Posted by TexasChic on March 31, 2004, at 9:16:54
In reply to Re: This is what gets to me though... (to all) » Karen_kay, posted by spoc on March 30, 2004, at 19:11:21
You guys are the most compassionate group of people I've ever met! Most people have no sympathy whatsoever toward the homeless, and here are all of you wrestling with your conscious because you don't think you've done enough! Talking to people like you really makes me feel better about the world in general. Thank you all for letting your compassion for your fellow man lead you. You guys make my day!
This is the end of the thread.
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