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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 24, 2004, at 13:04:10
I'm being needy again.
SOmetimes I with my ambition and intellectual status (I'm no genius, but bear with me) matched my productivity due to my illness.
It's hard to come to grips with the fact I can't do much if any gainful activity. I have a hard time dealing with myself over this. Haven't been able to look in the mirror, save for hygeine reasons for a very long time.
Any advice on how I could lower my expectations and begin to accept all of this?
Posted by Angielala on February 24, 2004, at 14:31:33
In reply to how to lower my expectations, posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 24, 2004, at 13:04:10
Posted by Susan J on February 24, 2004, at 16:59:47
In reply to how to lower my expectations, posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 24, 2004, at 13:04:10
> Any advice on how I could lower my expectations and begin to accept all of this?
<<Don't *lower* your expectations, just *change* them. :-) Don't accept failure. Accept that your playing field isn't exactly what you thought it was going to be. You might have to walk when you'd rather run....but you'll get there. Like the HUMMER commercial with the little kid in the wooden hummer. He doesn't follow the traditional path but he still wins. I dont' think any of us is following a traditional path (but really what is traditional?). I really do think that we see more than most people, we learn more than most. We care more than most. And even though we OFTEN don't feel it.....I think we are TOUGHER than most.:-)
Posted by Ilene on February 24, 2004, at 21:49:11
In reply to how to lower my expectations, posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 24, 2004, at 13:04:10
> I'm being needy again.
>
> SOmetimes I with my ambition and intellectual status (I'm no genius, but bear with me) matched my productivity due to my illness.
>
> It's hard to come to grips with the fact I can't do much if any gainful activity. I have a hard time dealing with myself over this. Haven't been able to look in the mirror, save for hygeine reasons for a very long time.
>
> Any advice on how I could lower my expectations and begin to accept all of this?
It's okay if you're needy as long as you maintain good hygiene. We're all needy here, but some of us don't practice good grooming.I feel the same way. It's like the last 9 years of my life fell down a black hole, but I'm older all the same. I even got a master's degree I'll probably never be able to use. It was an incredible amount of work for a person sliding into a black hole.
I know this is self-torture. My pdoc points out I've been sick. She's right. I'm sick. If I had cancer I would be praised for "my brave fight". Maybe some day I'll be able to get over the bitterness.
It sounds to me that you are doing what you can and taking care of yourself. I have a cyber-friend who won't take meds or engage in much to improve his situation. He's suicidal most of the time. He whines about not having a girlfriend. It's gotten rather old and I don't spend as much time with him as I used to. Hardly communicate at all, as a matter of fact. You're not like that.
Posted by Mark H. on February 25, 2004, at 14:31:51
In reply to how to lower my expectations, posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 24, 2004, at 13:04:10
Hi Jeff,
An alternative to lowering your expectations is to clarify your values. When I used to teach values clarification, I'd ask people to write down what they value in three broad categories of self: parent, adult, and child (these are termed "ego states" in Transactional Analysis, and I found them valuable for helping complex people think in simple, concrete terms about themselves).
For me, the parent list contains all my "shoulds," many of which I got from my parents. Examples are getting an advanced degree, learning to play the piano, being a responsible citizen, making a good living. Some of the "shoulds" on my list were useful and important to me; others were a semi-conscious burden that made me feel incomplete or unaccomplished.
My adult list included getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, giving my employer a good work week, spending quality time with my wife, pursuing my spiritual interests, and enjoying photography and classical music.
My child list included things like spending time playing outdoors and cuddling with my spouse. I found it was important to get in touch with the values of my "inner kid," because if I'm not meeting his needs, he'll sabotage my adult efforts.
When I wrote down everything that I value (and the time needed for each related activity), it was clear that I was being unrealistic about what I could do in any given day, week, month or year. The next step in the process was prioritizing my values, making the hard decisions of what was more important and what was less important to me.
Going through this process made my expectations more realistic and achievable. Instead of feeling that I had lowered my expectations (disappointing myself or others), it gave me a concrete list of what I value and where I want to put my limited resources. Although many of my "shoulds" and some of my dreams fell below the line, giving them up was based on getting more of what I valued most.
Those of us who suffer from mental illness sometimes compare ourselves unfavorably to others who are not impaired, but everyone suffers, even the most accomplished. Being clear about where I put my efforts is tremendous consolation for not having a master's degree. :-)
With kind regards,
Mark H.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 27, 2004, at 1:37:39
In reply to Re: how to lower my expectations » socialdeviantjeff, posted by Ilene on February 24, 2004, at 21:49:11
Thanks guys.
Since I've been more open with my parents (no small feat) they tend to praise me for my "brave fight". Unfortunately, I can't agree with them. I know I have illnesses and I try to remember that. However to me that doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly disappointed with myself. I can reconcile the "should haves" better than the "could haves". For instance, "I could have not quit that last crappy job" or "I could have stuck up for myself more" and so on.
Mark, I want to do the exercize on value clarifiaction. As soon as can work through it, I'll post on how it's going.
Now, I'd like a Master's degree. Even if it doesn't get used, or gets underused, it's a huge achievement and is not to be taken lightly.
Posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 10:42:06
In reply to Re: how to lower my expectations, posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 27, 2004, at 1:37:39
> Thanks guys.
>
> Since I've been more open with my parents (no small feat) they tend to praise me for my "brave fight". Unfortunately, I can't agree with them. I know I have illnesses and I try to remember that. However to me that doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly disappointed with myself. I can reconcile the "should haves" better than the "could haves". For instance, "I could have not quit that last crappy job" or "I could have stuck up for myself more" and so on.
>
My pdoc says I have a powerful bully who lives in my head and says all these bad things to me. He says the same bad things to me as yours says to you.> Mark, I want to do the exercize on value clarifiaction. As soon as can work through it, I'll post on how it's going.
>
I'd be interested in that. I don't think I can get to step one. My single value is getting my depression to go away.> Now, I'd like a Master's degree. Even if it doesn't get used, or gets underused, it's a huge achievement and is not to be taken lightly.
>
>
Even though getting the degree was an incredible chore, I loved most of my classes and I still want to *do* the cool things I learned. It's embarrassing to me to have gotten it and not to be able to use it. I'm a very self-conscious person.I.
Posted by Bubbaleh on March 4, 2004, at 20:35:10
In reply to Re: how to lower my expectations » socialdeviantjeff, posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 10:42:06
My own experience has been that painful depressions following times that I over-reached myself helped me to alter my expectations, although I still entertain some ambitious ideas.
But even those ideas are goals that most people would consider run of the mill. There's no getting around the fact that our illnesses affect our lives painfully and greatly.Be well, Jeff.
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