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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 26, 2004, at 1:09:02
In reply to Re: Help dealing with my husbands depression » jcsierra, posted by LOKIsDREAM on January 24, 2004, at 22:17:55
> > My husband has had very bad depression and social anxiety disorder since early grade school, and as been seeing psychiatrists just as long. He and I have been together for 2 years and married for 3 months. I am beginning to wonder if I can even deal with his depression and anxiety anymore. It seems to be getting better but then suddenly it is bad again. He is on 4 different anti-depressants. Lately he has been in a bad mood most of the time, yelling and being rude about everything, or just seeming completely emotionless. If he isn't being grumpy he seem just not to care at all. When I try to talk to him about it he says that I"m not being supportive. I am just wondering when does it go from not being supportive to enough is enough. I am begining to think he uses his depression and anxiety as an excuse when he just doesn't want to do anything or just feels the need to yell at someone. He will be absolutely fine and then when he is crabby or just being rude for no reason and I ask him if anything is wrong he says everything is just fine. I tell him that he is effecting myself and the children with his moods and that I don't know how much more I can take of his attitude, and his response is always, "well if you don't want to be supportive of me then do what you have to do" I have been supportive of him for the last 2 years and I am just beginning to think that there are times when his depression isn't bothering him and he needs an excuse for his behavior or just and excuse to be mean, so he uses his mental problems for that purpose. When he knows he is in the wrong he just accuses me of not being supportive and making me feel like everything is my fault and I was wrong to ever get upset with him. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this if things don't change. Am I being selfish and unsupportive? Should I just bite my tounge and put up with everything he does and every mood swing and bad attitude he throws at our family because he has an illness? Is there a point when you have tried so hard that it isn't a matter of support anymore? Where do I draw the line?
>
> Sorry, don't want to be rude, and yes I realise that I am being selfish, but as the husband I have to speak up. It works both ways. My depression was brought on by my wife taking the kid and leaving. Cascade effect. Sounds to me as if you are getting screwed(please pardon the phrase, it was not intended that way), but it's quite up to you where to put the line, different people have their own limits, often physical violence is unfortunately it. In my case, the thought of hurting either of them turns my stomach, but some people get so angry that they lose it. For me, who was the one being selfish: me-tired and hurt, wanting to call it a life, or my wife-cheating after less than 6mos of marriage, walking in at the wrong time to move her stuff out. You have to decide for yourself what you will have to live with. Sounds like I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on you, but I'm not. Just take a minute to yourself and think of the consequences of all your actions, and then act. Luck to you.
Posted by fallsfall on January 27, 2004, at 21:17:05
In reply to Re: dealing with husbands depression « LOKIsDREAM, posted by Dr. Bob on January 26, 2004, at 1:09:02
Could you ask your husband if he could schedule a special therapy session that you could go to with him? Tell him that you want to help (you do), but that you aren't quite sure what to do in order to help him. You are quite justified in having your own needs. Somehow you need to negotiate so that both sets of needs are met. This is most likely if each of you has a good understanding of what the other is going through.
He may not want to share his therapist with you. If he doesn't, then go to see someone yourself, to figure out how to deal with this situation.
You may also find that couple's therapy will help.
He will be a very lucky man if you are willing to work with him to find a middle ground that works for everybody.
This is the end of the thread.
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