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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by holymama on January 14, 2004, at 13:32:24
Ever since I went through a manic spell this fall and got obsessively religious, my husband looks at me as if I'm crazy every time I do anything at all that possibly might be manic at all. If I say anything about the Bible, drink too much coffee, too much alcohol, say I'm not hungry...I told him I had lost 4 pounds (I've been trying hard to diet despite a hearty appetite) and he looked at me with those suspicious eyes and said "Why? Because you're not eating?" (I lost my appetite when I was manic this fall). He is so suspicious/untrusting of my mental state that it is making me qustion my sanity much more than I already do and it is making our relationship awfully hard. Has anyone been through this with a spouse after a diagnosis, and how do you deal with it? He is making me feel so self-conscious.
Posted by Penny on January 14, 2004, at 15:22:30
In reply to My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by holymama on January 14, 2004, at 13:32:24
I can't speak as a spouse or significant other, as I am not in such a relationship, but speaking as someone who has people who care about her who got freaked out after my hospitalization last summer, I know how you feel. IMO, what this calls for is a little education about the mania. Do you have a psychiatrist and/or a therapist? Perhaps a joint session with one of them is in order, so your hubby can get his questions answered. I suspect he's questioning you out of fear - he can't read your mind, and he's probably wondering why he perhaps missed the 'signs' before, so he's looking at anything and everything with suspicion.
If a joint session with a pdoc/therapist is not an option, perhaps you could find some articles or something about bipolar/mania online that he could read.
Just a few thoughts.
P
Posted by Poet on January 14, 2004, at 18:17:09
In reply to My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by holymama on January 14, 2004, at 13:32:24
Hi Holymama,
Ah, yes, the you're crazy look. I know it well.
I'm not bipolar, but my husband diagnosed me himself. I have depression, social anxiety and am a recovered (only a few lapses) bulimic.
I'm waiting to get an offer for a new job that needs references checked as a formality. He tells me I'm getting manic, what it is is excitement. I carefully explained what I am feeling and why I am feeling it and he finally understood.
I think you need to talk to your husband about what you feel when you're manic and what you feel when you're not. He might be worried that something will happen to you and he won't be able to help. I know that's an issue with my husband.
Maybe your husband needs to be aware of what being bipolar is and isn't. Like Penny suggested, if you are seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, it might be beneficial to have a couples session.
I hope I was of some help.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 14, 2004, at 20:58:19
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy » holymama, posted by Poet on January 14, 2004, at 18:17:09
Holymama,
I get those looks too, but from my parents, mostly from my Mother. If she hears me talking to my daughter about something she might have done wrong, She (my mother) will instantly show up. It seems that She doesn't think I know how to handle my own child.
My family also tends to walk on egg shells at times. They are afraid to tell me things they think will upset me such as things that they observe. (Info.. I live upstairs from my parents) If I get home late, they will question if I'm OK. They are afraid that I might be heading to a hospital stay.
How do I deal? I'm looking for another place to live. I spoke to my T, and she said that educating the educable is a place to start. That would, it seems, be my mother. I've had some cursory chats with her. Today, I started thinking about going to lunch at a small restaurant. We'll see.
The questions you raised in your post are very common. I think that anyone who has a mental illness goes through it. You're not alone.Dee.
Posted by Psychopoppy on January 15, 2004, at 9:37:34
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by deirdrehbrt on January 14, 2004, at 20:58:19
Hi there
Like Dierdre said, most who people suffer from psychological illness have had to deal with the reaction of the "normal" world towards them, which includes parents, spouses, children, friends and co-workers.
And, as I have seen in my own experience with my dear husband, even when your spouse knows and understands what you're going through, they wil still have negative feelings such as anger, resentment, discontentment etc. As my husband admits, these are irrational feelings that arise even after one has rationally acknowledged that the suffering person is not doing this on purpose and is not at fault for their situation.Its always super hard on marriages and spouses. I find that one way for us to keep things sane is to constantly talk about things (which of course most men hate :-), and address each episode of resentment and negativity. Sometimes it goes off well and other times I come away realizing that I could have just let my hubby be and let him figure this one out for himself. But we are learning slowly to cope and to not blame each other for the suffering.
So, my advice is that depending on your husband's personality, you should find a line of communication that works for you both; one in which you can express yourselves and listen to what he is saying and explain to him your suffering in a way that he might understand. Its hard at first but with practicce and persistence, it is possible to establish such a line of communication. Dont give up. I think talking is very very important (and sometimes leaving them alone to figure out their feelings helps too.... "let the man go into his cave and find himself" etc.. :-))
hope my ranting has made sense.
Posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:24:36
In reply to My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by holymama on January 14, 2004, at 13:32:24
Hi Holymama -
My husband has also had similar reactions to me! If I get very angry about something he's done, he would blow it off and say it's not valid cuz it's just me blowing things out of proportion again due to my depressed mind skewing things.Now that I'm on meds and feeling better, he is calming down a bit. He doesn't attribute every blip in my personality to a sign of depression. It's taken awhile for him to get his bearings with me again. He's very kind, understanding and patient most of the time. Now that I'm on meds that are working, I don't blow up at him when he misinterprets something I say or do, so that helps the situation too!
Good luck with him . . . communication about the differences between manic and just human emotion is the best advice I've read. Good luck to you, too. Marriage is hard under the best of circumstances, let alone where expressions of emotion and men are concerned :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by SLS on January 16, 2004, at 6:56:14
In reply to My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by holymama on January 14, 2004, at 13:32:24
> Ever since I went through a manic spell this fall and got obsessively religious, my husband looks at me as if I'm crazy every time I do anything at all that possibly might be manic at all. If I say anything about the Bible, drink too much coffee, too much alcohol, say I'm not hungry...I told him I had lost 4 pounds (I've been trying hard to diet despite a hearty appetite) and he looked at me with those suspicious eyes and said "Why? Because you're not eating?" (I lost my appetite when I was manic this fall). He is so suspicious/untrusting of my mental state that it is making me qustion my sanity much more than I already do and it is making our relationship awfully hard. Has anyone been through this with a spouse after a diagnosis, and how do you deal with it? He is making me feel so self-conscious
Generally speaking, I think people are more afraid of mania than they are of depression. I have found that to be true of my family. Depression is easy. You lay on the couch all day, listless, passive, and indifferent to your surroundings. You're quiet and easily controlled. Depression is something familiar to them and something they can relate to. With mania, you become uncontrollable and unreasonable, sometimes to the point of delusions and psychosis. Aberrant thoughts and behaviors are visible for all to see. These things are foreign to them which they can't identify with. You have boundless energy with which to wreak havoc upon your surroundings. Whenever I show the slightest hint of coming out of a depression and demonstrate more energy and self-confidence, my family scutinizes and interprets everything I do as being being possible signs of mania. They would much prefer that I be depressed and in pain rather than manic and unmanageable.
- Scott
Posted by kid47 on January 16, 2004, at 11:03:12
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by SLS on January 16, 2004, at 6:56:14
I can relate. If I say anything negative about how I am feeling, my wife immediately assumes I am depressed. It doesn't matter if I have an upset stomach or am just a little tired, the only ailment I'm ALLOWED to suffer from any more is mental illness. I know it was very traumatic for her when I was hospitalized, but some how I need to communicate to her that I can be a bit under the weather without spiraling into psychotic depression. Sorry I don't have any suggestions.
kid
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 16, 2004, at 20:39:10
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by kid47 on January 16, 2004, at 11:03:12
Same with my family. I think the only tool we have is education. If our families and friends can begin to understand, then the incredulity may change itself.
From the patient side, I prefer hypomania. It feels great, you get LOTS of work done, and you don't face the terrors of either mania or depression. I would also go for the feelings of mania over those of depression. The mania can be extremely dangerous, but in the middle of it, I don't notice.
Again, I have friends who look out for me. The only thing that's left for me is to trust them and keep myself safe.
Dee.
Posted by holymama on January 16, 2004, at 21:06:50
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by deirdrehbrt on January 16, 2004, at 20:39:10
Thank you all. You are all awesome.
I think actually what I am realizing is worse than my husband looking at me as if I am crazy is MYSELF wondering if I am. He just reflects my own fears back at me.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 17, 2004, at 15:58:01
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by holymama on January 16, 2004, at 21:06:50
Hey there,
I think that what you need above all is a hug. So... ((((((((((Holymama)))))))))).
When you have a mental illness, one thing that you can't do without is a sense of humor. Rather than thinking that I'm crazy, I have decided that I'm not certifiable; I'm CERTIFIED! :-) Yup, If someone wants to mess with me, they will get precicely what they deserve. It may be a tirade of words that leave them scratching their heads until even Rogaine won't grow their hair back. I might insult the lineage of their children's hamster. I might make disparaging remarks about their grandparents' eating habits.
It's important to try to recognize that you are sick, but it's equally important to not let that illness completely define and drive your life. Ok, so you have Bipolar disorder.... Ok, so that's a mental illness... Is that all there is to You? If you take away the mania, do you still exist? Of course the mania isn't you. I still get a bit hypomanic. I still have the ocassional hallucination. I still have more than one mental illness, but I'll bet anything from my favorite doll to the car that I can't drive that NONE of those making fun of me have been able to work a 36 hour day. I think it's unlikely that they've woken up at 2:00 in the morning (assuming that they've gone to bed at all by then) and decided that that was the perfect time to re-arrange their bedroom.
So, sometimes we do things that seem a little crazy, but it's not compeletely useless. Often, that energy gets put to use.
Please, don't think of yourself as crazy. Look at the things you accomplish. Know that bipolar disorder can in most cases be dealt with. Find a support group, you are not alone. Keep a sense of humor.
You are SO much more than your disease.Dee.
Posted by holymama on January 17, 2004, at 18:24:32
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by deirdrehbrt on January 17, 2004, at 15:58:01
Thank you Dee and everyone else!
Yes, I am sure I will develop a sense of humor about it. I sometimes do, but this is all so new for me that I still panic a little bit about it. As one of my friends said recently -- " You've always been a little out there, but now you know just how out there you can get". Yes. And that's scary. I feel like I am trying to reign myself in and stay grounded, and trying to stop from crossing that line. There probably is no line. I mean, there must be, because I have crossed it! But the line is not distinct. I think eventually I will learn how to stop worrying so much about the line and just live again.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 17, 2004, at 21:41:09
In reply to Re: My husband looks at me if I'm crazy, posted by holymama on January 17, 2004, at 18:24:32
Hey there,
It is certainly scary at the beginning. It's also scary in the middle, and I'm assuming at the end. Just look at how our culture is educated about mental illness in the media.
I need, even now, to keep reminding myself that I have a mental illness, and that I'm very sick. I hope that I'm getting better.
One thing that might help is a movie that you may have seen, called A beautiful mind. It shows the troubles of a college professor. This man went through an amazing amount of pain and suffering, but eventually won a Nobel Prize and is still teaching.
I won't tell you more about the movie, but if you haven't yet seen it, it's worth renting.
I guess my point is that we need to see the truth, look for the positive experiences, and learn from the negative, but not dwell on it.
Do I always follow my advice? No..... I sometimes look at the bad things, I almost feel as if it's more comfortable and safe to wallow in misery than to fight for health. Someone once said "better the devil you know than the devil you don't". I take that to mean that I know what to expect from my illness, and though it's tough, it's familiar.
It takes alot of effort to step out of that 'comfort', and start fighting for health. It can be done. You can't though beat yourself up everytime you slip. If your illness is like anyone elses, you will slip. You'll occasionally give in to it. That's normal, and it won't help to dwell on it.
I guess I've two more bits of advice for you. First, Don't give up on therapy. If your relationship with a therapist just isn't producing results, ask around and find another, but don't quit. It's incredibly important and will make recovery much much easier. Second, and probably more important is this: Don't stop or make a change in your meds without consulting your doc. It's really tempting to cut back on the meds that may feel like they're slowing you down, but you NEED to consult with your doc before any changes to your meds.
This is just stuff that I've learned from my own experience and from close friends. I hope it helps you.
Dee.
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