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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Bubbaleh on January 4, 2004, at 18:54:45
I have felt left out over the past few months because almost no one ever calls me. My husband calls, my mother calls, and one friend calls. Period. Many other people seem to like talking to me if I call them, but they don't go out of their way to contact me. My therapist says that a) mentally ill people suffer due to stigma and b) my social skills need improvement. I have been trying hard to a) not tell people about my illness, medication, etc. and b) be kinder, more supportive, more understanding--but so far don't see any results in terms of phone calls, e-mails, IMs, etc. It's not just well people either; other mentally ill people don't seem to care for me.
Am I the only one who has this kind of problem? What can I do about it?
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 5, 2004, at 1:34:47
In reply to Feeling Left Out, posted by Bubbaleh on January 4, 2004, at 18:54:45
I feel your predicament. I have problems with social isolation myself. I can go for months without contacting my friends. It can be tough. I tend to do it out of a subconscious desire for "me time".
One thing that has helped me has been to be more open about my illness. Yes, there is a stigma, but according to recent poll, about 60% of the population doesn't see mental illness as personal weakness. This is just my opinion; The brain is an organ just the same as a heart, pancreas, liver, thyroid, gall bladder, etc. The difference is, the brain is the organ people need to use to interface with each other. This is what adds complications above, say, a poorly functioning pancreas.
I've been pretty open with others about my problems. I kep pretty loose contact even with my best friend, and my opennes about my issues creates a certain level understanding with the people I know. I've told many of my coworkers I have problems with chronic pain (a slight twisting of the facts) and only my supervisors know I have psychiatric problems. They don't even know the whole exent of it. Of course, I don't run around telling everyone I meet that I'm psychotic. It's hard to be open, but I've learned the consequences are easier to deal with than non-disclosure. As far as that other 40% who don't like our types, they can take a happy trip to h**l for all I'm concerned. This is what works for me, it may or may not work for you.
Anyway, enough about me. I don't like that subject much anyway. It seems to me that you may be trying to shoulder too much responsibility for what's going on. At least you have one good friend, a husband, and a mom who calls.
Sorry if this isn't very coherent, sleepytime pills are kicking in, I'm about to head into the land of Nod.
Hope this helps.
Posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:52:45
In reply to Feeling Left Out, posted by Bubbaleh on January 4, 2004, at 18:54:45
Hi Bubbulah,
I hope this doesn't annoy you, but sometimes I'd be grateful for a husband, a (kind) mother and one good friend to call me. These past couple of days I've been really isolated, and pretty much this board is the only thing calling me. It ebbs and flows and this was a particularly bad ebb, but I know how bad it can feel. I still have nightmares about being in high school and feeling left out.There is a particular quality to isolation--it creeps in and takes over. It seems to grow exponentially or something--like the longer you isolate the more out of control it gets. I can only say one, obviously ironic thing: You are definitely not alone. I would hasten to say many of us feel that at least some time when dealing with depression.
Small steps are the only thing that work for me. One extra call, one extra trip to the market. Sometimes contact can come from entirely unexpected places. I have walked away from a convenience store all welled up because the man bagging my groceries was so kind to me. And sometimes that's all I have to get me through a day.
As I see it you're already on the path, by reaching out here.
good luck.
Posted by Bubbaleh on January 5, 2004, at 6:04:36
In reply to Re: Feeling Left Out, posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:52:45
Dear Kara Lynn and Jeff,
Thank you for responding to my post.
Jeff, you are right that I am secretive about my illness; I have tried to reveal it to people, and have found that they distance themselves from me. I think your figure of 60% of people accepting those with brain diseases is on the high side. In my experience, 10% of people are accepting of those with brain diseases. And as you know, 17% of everyone suffers from severe depression sometime in their life. I.e., alot of people with brain diseases do not accept people whose diagnosis is more severe than theirs. But, maybe I do not have the luxury of hiding my illness if I am to build genuine, honest, long-term friendships. I will discuss the question with my "trusted advisor" (my therapist).
Kara Lynn, I am sorry you are isolated too, even more than me. Like you, I have found bulletin boards on the Internet to be lifesavers--not just this one, but also two others that speak to issues I have. I used to be overweight, so I post on the Weight Watchers site (www.weightwatchers.com), and I am suffering from a physical problem in addition to my psychiatric problem, so I post on a site devoted to that issue. If you have AOL, they have chat rooms where you can "talk" online. I haven't yet found one that appeals to me, but feel hopeful about that possibility.
I thoroughly agree that contact can come from unexpected sources. I am an acquaintance with a grocery check-out clerk at the local supermarket.
In case anyone else is reading this post who has tips on this topic, I would really appreciate your feedback, opinions, etc.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 5, 2004, at 9:37:33
In reply to Re: Feeling Left Out, posted by Bubbaleh on January 5, 2004, at 6:04:36
Well, you make a very good point. The poll I found those stats were a scientific poll but I didn't consider the geographic perspective. People in Utah tend to be more accepting, unless you work for the state government. They just don't get it. (possibly another ome of my generalizations) In fact, they generally treat me like crap until I explain the whole brain vs. pancreas thing. <rant mode off>
The best thing for now may be to concentrate on the positives of your current situation. You do have some people in contact with you. I would consider that a blessing. As far as the others, maybe it will just take more time. It is really hard to make new social contacts, but online is a good place to start. Just don't try to set the bar too high.
If people distance themselves after learning your illness, then perhaps they are not worth knowing in the first place. because of the EEOC, it can be helpful to let superiors know what is wrong. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but it works for me.
Of course, these are just opinions based on my own experience. This may or may not work for you.
If you don't mind me asking, what is your dx? Mine is Atypical Refractory Depression with psychotic symptoms, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Phobia of flying insects (don't remember the official name), ADD and OCD.
My Email is socialdeviantjeff@yahoo.com. I don't lose interest in people too easily so if you want to talk, feel free to email me.
Posted by Wildflower on January 5, 2004, at 11:13:01
In reply to Feeling Left Out, posted by Bubbaleh on January 4, 2004, at 18:54:45
Trust me, you are not alone. Many people with mental illnesses push the world aside (on their own) or have friends that don't know how to deal with the illness so they avoid the person. It's a viscious circle.
If I do not make the first call, no one will call me. After really thinking about the last year, I've figured out that those I called friends probably weren't. Friends would be there for you no matter what, right?
Remember, you are not alone -- You have us!!!
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 5, 2004, at 13:54:59
In reply to Re: Feeling Left Out, posted by Bubbaleh on January 5, 2004, at 6:04:36
hi there,
i find i gripe and moan about being "alone",
but when people do reach out i retreat...
sometimes i am just painfully shy and i come across as a being a bitch..
sometimes i think they have other motives for their involvement with me and i back off..
but for the most part..i feel very lonely and know that i need outside contact in order to feel that i have a better quality of life...
ho hum
good luck to you,,let me know if you find the key to socialization.
j
Posted by Bubbaleh on January 5, 2004, at 21:52:29
In reply to you have alot... » Bubbaleh, posted by justyourlaugh on January 5, 2004, at 13:54:59
Jeff, my current doctor has not given me a dx. Past guesses are varied. I am not posting the past guesses because I have read that one should never post something that he would not say in person, and I play things close to the chest. If I take my meds I am pretty alright. :)
I spoke to my therapist this afternoon about being more open about my illness, and she thought it might help me out. But, she said to only mention it if a) the other person is really becoming a friend; and b) it fits appropriately into the conversation. Like, I know a woman who has social anxiety, and maybe I could mention anti-depressants as a med that I take that is effective against social anxiety. Fortunately, occasions do not come up that often when it is appropriate to talk about one's psychosis.
Have a good night! ;)
Posted by Emme on January 6, 2004, at 0:34:40
In reply to Feeling Left Out, posted by Bubbaleh on January 4, 2004, at 18:54:45
> I have felt left out over the past few months because almost no one ever calls me. My husband calls, my mother calls, and one friend calls. Period. Many other people seem to like talking to me if I call them, but they don't go out of their way to contact me.
I can relate to that feeling. It does sound like the small support group you have has the most important people in it!
> My therapist says that a) mentally ill people suffer due to stigma and b) my social skills need improvement.
Does she/he say *how* to improve your social skills?
> I have been trying hard to a) not tell people about my illness, medication, etc. and
I tell a fair amount of people about mine - if they are good friends and I trust them. Of course a lot of my friends happen to be card-carrying members of the club too! Anyway, I think talking about your illness in a matter of fact way to carefully selected people is okay as long as there's balanced time in the conversation for whatever's going on in their lives too. All things in moderation.
> b) be kinder, more supportive, more understanding--
That'll pay off. People appreciate that. It sounds like you're working on the right things.
> but so far don't see any results in terms of phone calls, e-mails, IMs, etc. It's not just well people either; other mentally ill people don't seem to care for me.
Yeah, I used to feel exactly that way. It was very painful. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I don't know why or how it happened, but at some point I stopped worrying about it. After all, sometimes people are just preoccupied and time zips by and it has nothing to do with you.
When I want to talk to people I call them, and if they fail to call back enough times, then so be it. And with time I found that enough people *did* call back. I don't know if that will help you, and feeling isolated is the pits.
> Am I the only one who has this kind of problem? What can I do about it?
I think building self confidence is one way to help with the problem. (easier said than done for sometimes!!!). Being at ease with yourself and knowing that you're a good person is appealing to other people. Of course depression takes that positive self image away from you. I hope you can find a nugget of it. Keep the faith. Your interactions with the world are a constant work in progress and I am betting that you won't always feel this way.
This is the end of the thread.
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