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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angielala on December 23, 2003, at 14:20:38
I am DREADING the next few days- all the smiling I'm gonna have to do, being around a lot of people, lots of driving...
I have no idea how I'm going to get through the holidays this year, I'm barely hanging on...
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 23, 2003, at 15:18:48
In reply to I can't shake it, posted by Angielala on December 23, 2003, at 14:20:38
dont look ahead..
minute by minute..
second by second..
good music for the drive..or if you are a passinger..good book..crochet..
book on tape?
take lots of bathroom breaks..
chew gum so you dont notice your face muscles "permasmiling"...
dont you just hate the artificial hugging...
everyone being all stiff...good luck
peace
j
Posted by Karen_kay on December 23, 2003, at 16:44:56
In reply to Re: I can't shake it, posted by justyourlaugh on December 23, 2003, at 15:18:48
A good book helps! And the music is a great suggestion. Also, if you are a drinker, it helps too... Good luck getting through the holidays. Personally, I've declined inviations to my boyfriend's family and with my mother, stating that "We couldn't get my dog in the kennel," which isn't a complete lie. So, I'm looking forward to some much needed rest and relaxation with the pooch and some tunes!
Keep the plastic smile going as long as you can bear it. I always read a book. I may appear rude, but my boyfriend's family has learned by now that I'm an avid reader and I always get books for Christmas. So, it works to my advantage.
Posted by noa on December 24, 2003, at 10:19:06
In reply to I can't shake it, posted by Angielala on December 23, 2003, at 14:20:38
You need a little survival kit.
For the driving--
Pack some fun and healthy snacks for the drive--especially once that help you stay alert. Those pre-washed baby carrots are good--the crunch keeps me alert. Pack a variety of things to help keep it novel as the trip goes along.
Take breaks and get something hot to drink along the way (caffeine if you need it, too). I like to know about several off-the-highway places to stop, rather than those huge rest stop places which can be so crowded, although I stop at these, too. But sometimes I want to stop at a regular coffee shop, so I try to get to know what is close to the exits along my route. Sure, it adds another 15 minutes or so to the trip, but sometimes it is very worth it.
For that matter, break the driving up with a stop to see a new place, museum, town, etc. even if just for an hour. It might give you something to look forward to on the way back.
And of course, like others have mentioned, some excellent tapes or CDs--good music that you like, upbeat.
The best thing I've found for a long drive is a good book on tape. Especially a funny book or a good mystery novel. It makes the time go by so much faster.
For the constant proximity to people---
Offer to run errands so you can get out of the house.
Bring those books or needlework other people suggested.
Take regular walks. If they have a dog, offer to take the dog out for exercise.
Take a retreat to your bedroom and take a whiff of some calming or uplifting aromatherapy oil--my favorite is orange. Then, do some calming breathing before you return to the company.
Depending on how long your visit will be....
Find the local library and spend some time there.
Find some holiday volunteer opportunity where you can help on Christmas day when the staff is on holiday and they need people to help (my mom and I have done this at a nursing home--we served meals to residents on Christmas once and one year it was on New Year's).
Find a local massage therapist and treat yourself to a one hour therapeutic massage! This one is a bonus--you have an appointment to go to that requires that you take leave of the crowd, AND you get to luxuriate in that massage!
For the social chatter---
Often, I think, people are happiest when they get to talk about themselves, so just ask little conversation starter questions about them and then let them do all the talking so you don't have to.
"Tell me about your work" is always a good standard, and then follow it up with things like, "what do you like most about it?" or "what do you find the most challenging thing about your job/workplace..", etc. etc. If they say they do something that you aren't that familiar with, just say, "I've always wondered about that job. What kinds of things do you focus on?" Follow that with "What is a typical day like in your job?" "How did you become interested in this?" etc. etc.
Or, ask people about their kids--they love to talk about them. Just smile and listen, and every once in a while say something like, "you must be so proud."
If there are people who want to get you into a discussion of politics, or current events and you aren't wanting to get into it, (especially those obnoxious types who are really just trying to goad you into a debate you aren't interested in having with them), when they ask your stance on something, you can always say something like "I'm still taking in data before I decide where I stand on that..." (how's that for evasion?) Then, look suddenly at your watch and look surprised at the time and say, "Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, could you please excuse me for a moment? There is something I was supposed to take care of...." and leave the room like you have an important task that must be done by a certain time.
If you're dealing with family talk that can push your buttons, or critical family members or ones who throw all kinds of questions at you....
Remember, you don't have to answer people's questions, at least not right away. The key is to maintain some control in the conversation by not feeling goaded into responding on their terms. First breathe. While you are taking that breath, remind yourself that if you aren't up for talking about what they have just thrown at you, you don't have to. On the drive there, come up with a few stock responses that help you sidestep getting into topics you don't want to discuss with them, ones that will not get you into further conflict--your responses should be just nice friendly evasive things you can say. You can also always smile, pat the person on the arm gently [dominance move to help you feel more in control of the conversation] and say something like, "Hey, you know, let's talk about that another time."
For critical comments---
You can pretend you don't hear them.
You can just say "OK" to humor them and then walk away or focus your attention on something else.
If they throw criticism at you in the form of a question, or expecting a response, you can say, "I hear what you're saying and I'd like to give it some more thought."An invaluable item in your survival kit is an ally. Are you going there with anyone? Or will there be someone there whom you see as an ally, a support? Make up some ways that person can help rescue you in tough moments---like a signal that will let them know to call you aside if you are stuck in a conversation you want to get out of. You can do the same for them, too. Or, they can take that walk with you to get you out of the house and from all those people.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 24, 2003, at 10:55:05
In reply to I can't shake it, posted by Angielala on December 23, 2003, at 14:20:38
Posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 12:30:59
In reply to Re: I can't shake it, posted by justyourlaugh on December 23, 2003, at 15:18:48
All that hugging and those wet sloppy cheek kisses... luckily my 3 year old niece saved me and she and I played all Xmas eve with Barbies, quietly away from everyone. I love her!
> dont look ahead..
> minute by minute..
> second by second..
> good music for the drive..or if you are a passinger..good book..crochet..
> book on tape?
>
>
> take lots of bathroom breaks..
> chew gum so you dont notice your face muscles "permasmiling"...
> dont you just hate the artificial hugging...
> everyone being all stiff...
>
> good luck
> peace
> j
>
Posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 12:33:25
In reply to Re: I can't shake it, posted by Karen_kay on December 23, 2003, at 16:44:56
Thank you so much! I tried everythign I could to avoid going anywhere for the Holidays... but both my fiance's family and mine know that they "aren't supposed to leave me alone on the holidays" It turned out ok... I regressed into a 3 year old and went to bed nice and early :)
> A good book helps! And the music is a great suggestion. Also, if you are a drinker, it helps too... Good luck getting through the holidays. Personally, I've declined inviations to my boyfriend's family and with my mother, stating that "We couldn't get my dog in the kennel," which isn't a complete lie. So, I'm looking forward to some much needed rest and relaxation with the pooch and some tunes!
>
> Keep the plastic smile going as long as you can bear it. I always read a book. I may appear rude, but my boyfriend's family has learned by now that I'm an avid reader and I always get books for Christmas. So, it works to my advantage.
Posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 12:42:45
In reply to Re: I can't shake it » Angielala, posted by noa on December 24, 2003, at 10:19:06
What marvelous advice! You all gave me such good advice, and it really did help more than I thought it would! I had to go to my fiance's mom's for Xmas eve- which is hard enough, but when you add booze and such the conversation falls into that religious/political subject. So what I did is talked to my fiane's older sister before hand and let her know that if I suddenly need to get out of a situation I would pull an earlobe, and she would come to my rescue- and it worked!
The trip there was a lot easier- I took a few books, baby carrots (definitely worked- it's the crunch) and much to my speeding pre=hubby's dismay, I made him stop at a lot for a lot of random reasons- we stopped at a Dunkin Donuts and I found some stray kitties and spent about 20 minutes finding a place to buy cat food to feed them :)
Thank you so much- you all give the best advice- thank goodness for all of you and thank you so much for listening to me!
> You need a little survival kit.
>
> For the driving--
>
> Pack some fun and healthy snacks for the drive--especially once that help you stay alert. Those pre-washed baby carrots are good--the crunch keeps me alert. Pack a variety of things to help keep it novel as the trip goes along.
>
> Take breaks and get something hot to drink along the way (caffeine if you need it, too). I like to know about several off-the-highway places to stop, rather than those huge rest stop places which can be so crowded, although I stop at these, too. But sometimes I want to stop at a regular coffee shop, so I try to get to know what is close to the exits along my route. Sure, it adds another 15 minutes or so to the trip, but sometimes it is very worth it.
>
> For that matter, break the driving up with a stop to see a new place, museum, town, etc. even if just for an hour. It might give you something to look forward to on the way back.
>
> And of course, like others have mentioned, some excellent tapes or CDs--good music that you like, upbeat.
>
> The best thing I've found for a long drive is a good book on tape. Especially a funny book or a good mystery novel. It makes the time go by so much faster.
>
> For the constant proximity to people---
>
> Offer to run errands so you can get out of the house.
>
> Bring those books or needlework other people suggested.
>
> Take regular walks. If they have a dog, offer to take the dog out for exercise.
>
> Take a retreat to your bedroom and take a whiff of some calming or uplifting aromatherapy oil--my favorite is orange. Then, do some calming breathing before you return to the company.
>
> Depending on how long your visit will be....
>
> Find the local library and spend some time there.
>
> Find some holiday volunteer opportunity where you can help on Christmas day when the staff is on holiday and they need people to help (my mom and I have done this at a nursing home--we served meals to residents on Christmas once and one year it was on New Year's).
>
> Find a local massage therapist and treat yourself to a one hour therapeutic massage! This one is a bonus--you have an appointment to go to that requires that you take leave of the crowd, AND you get to luxuriate in that massage!
>
> For the social chatter---
>
> Often, I think, people are happiest when they get to talk about themselves, so just ask little conversation starter questions about them and then let them do all the talking so you don't have to.
>
> "Tell me about your work" is always a good standard, and then follow it up with things like, "what do you like most about it?" or "what do you find the most challenging thing about your job/workplace..", etc. etc. If they say they do something that you aren't that familiar with, just say, "I've always wondered about that job. What kinds of things do you focus on?" Follow that with "What is a typical day like in your job?" "How did you become interested in this?" etc. etc.
>
> Or, ask people about their kids--they love to talk about them. Just smile and listen, and every once in a while say something like, "you must be so proud."
>
> If there are people who want to get you into a discussion of politics, or current events and you aren't wanting to get into it, (especially those obnoxious types who are really just trying to goad you into a debate you aren't interested in having with them), when they ask your stance on something, you can always say something like "I'm still taking in data before I decide where I stand on that..." (how's that for evasion?) Then, look suddenly at your watch and look surprised at the time and say, "Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, could you please excuse me for a moment? There is something I was supposed to take care of...." and leave the room like you have an important task that must be done by a certain time.
>
> If you're dealing with family talk that can push your buttons, or critical family members or ones who throw all kinds of questions at you....
>
> Remember, you don't have to answer people's questions, at least not right away. The key is to maintain some control in the conversation by not feeling goaded into responding on their terms. First breathe. While you are taking that breath, remind yourself that if you aren't up for talking about what they have just thrown at you, you don't have to. On the drive there, come up with a few stock responses that help you sidestep getting into topics you don't want to discuss with them, ones that will not get you into further conflict--your responses should be just nice friendly evasive things you can say. You can also always smile, pat the person on the arm gently [dominance move to help you feel more in control of the conversation] and say something like, "Hey, you know, let's talk about that another time."
>
> For critical comments---
>
> You can pretend you don't hear them.
> You can just say "OK" to humor them and then walk away or focus your attention on something else.
> If they throw criticism at you in the form of a question, or expecting a response, you can say, "I hear what you're saying and I'd like to give it some more thought."
>
> An invaluable item in your survival kit is an ally. Are you going there with anyone? Or will there be someone there whom you see as an ally, a support? Make up some ways that person can help rescue you in tough moments---like a signal that will let them know to call you aside if you are stuck in a conversation you want to get out of. You can do the same for them, too. Or, they can take that walk with you to get you out of the house and from all those people.
>
>
> Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
>
Posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 12:43:34
In reply to And play with the children! (nm), posted by Karen_kay on December 24, 2003, at 10:55:05
The kids saved my life. I am making a point to surround myself with the kids every holiday.
Posted by noa on December 29, 2003, at 18:56:14
In reply to Re: I can't shake it, posted by Angielala on December 29, 2003, at 12:42:45
You SHOOK it! Hooray! I'm so glad your sister in law to be was there to be your ally! And playing with the niece--perfect.
Glad you made it.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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