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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on November 29, 2003, at 18:05:32
I'm trying to replace I want to die with I want love.
I babysat an intoxicated friend last night and didn't get much sleep. I didn't do anything today except watch television. I kept lying there thinking, I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything...I should be doing something.
There is so much traffic out this weekend that I didn't want to face it, to do any number of things I need to do to start a life.
I guess it's really finally over. The ex has stopped leaving messages that I don't answer. I'm trying to think of strong women I would want to emulate...who wouldn't call men who treated them poorly. But then you read that Katherine Hepburn put up with all sorts or tirades from Spencer Tracy, and chalked it up to his quirky charm and their exalted love.
I have to be someone I respect first. I want to go back to the relative safety of a bad relationship rather than learning to respect myself.
I woke up to the sound of my neighbors having sex at 4am.
Why is it so hard to take the first steps?
Posted by fayeroe on November 29, 2003, at 18:12:48
In reply to I don't want to die., posted by kara lynne on November 29, 2003, at 18:05:32
Kara Lynn~~you answered your own question. You
will eventually pick yourself up and find true and good love. Don't assume that KH was a strong woman just because she played those roles in movies. We'll never know what she was really like and you already know how Tracy treated her. There are plenty of role models for you. Close by. Look around you and you'll see a woman that you can learn from. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. p.s. it might be easier at first to go back to a "safe and bad relationship" but it's like drugs, you pick up where you left off..remember that....
Posted by sienna on November 29, 2003, at 19:12:38
In reply to I don't want to die., posted by kara lynne on November 29, 2003, at 18:05:32
Oh Man. We shoulda hung out together. Well, you sure dont need to "start a new life" this weekend. I dont blame you for hiding, its what i have done too, except i hid in the crowds shopping until I feltl ike i was going to vomit on someones shoes. I hope there was at least something decent on tv.
I dont know why it is so hard to take the first steps. I have that too. I am in the "relative saftey of a bad relationship" and i can assure you that i am crying all the time actually i am fight ing back tears all the time and allowing myself one ten minute crying spell a day. Id probably be better to run like hell but i just keep thinking maybe he is just quirky and maybe i should just deal with it.
Kara Lynne i dont wnt you to die. I want you to have love too. I dont know what is wrong with these dumb guys we keep dating. Wheres the love ya know? I know things will get better. They always do. Im not sure how to get them to stay better, but i guess im just going to hope that it gets better for us both sooner rather than later.
(((((kara lynne)))) We deserve better than this for sure. I just wish i knew where to find anything better...
Sienna
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 21:46:29
In reply to Re: I don't want to die. » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 29, 2003, at 19:12:38
Kara,
I think that you have taken the first, and hardest step in your new life. You've recognized that the one you have needs changing. Do you have any idea how many people don't realize that until the doctor tells them that they have just a few months left to live?
If you want examples of women who don't let themselves be taken advantage of by horrible men, I think that you can look to yourself, and to other women like you. It happened in the past, but with what you know now, I think you are unlikely to let it happen again. If it does, then the guy will be out on his butt as there should be only one chance.
You really impress me. You are changing your thinking. You are improving your circumstances. You are learning who you are, what you need, what you want out of life, and what needs to change. None of this is trivial.
You truly have my admiration.
Dee.
Posted by octopusprime on November 30, 2003, at 0:20:25
In reply to Re: I don't want to die., posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 21:46:29
hi kara lynne. boy your situation sounds so familiar!
today i was going to go skiing, but i was too unmotivated to go anywhere.
i was sad today, doing the whole "alone forever" routine.
so i went to the store, bought some bubble bath, two pairs of socks with eeyore on them, and a tin of frosting.
i feel a little better now.
anyway a couple of things:
don't "should" yourself. if what you want to do is watch tv, then watch tv. if you want to stare at the wall, stare at the wall. don't worry about what you "should" do - worry about what you want to do.about taking first steps: you have taken them already. you're on your own, taking tests, etc. etc. it's just a long road. and maybe not so much fun.
anyway, so go to bed with a tin of frosting, a good book, and a hot cup of tea. somebody was talking about riding the waves - i'm riding this low wave, and i hope tomorrow will be better. then i'll ski.
cheerio,
ms. sticky chocolate fingers
Posted by jay on November 30, 2003, at 1:30:05
In reply to I don't want to die., posted by kara lynne on November 29, 2003, at 18:05:32
I know this may sound cliché, but you know you have to truly love yourself before anything. That's what depression robs you of, is that ability to love yourself. I know those 'pangs' of hurt from when I have lost in the past, and one of the best things you can try now is to target your 'symptoms'. That may mean aggressive medication dosing. It also may mean forcing yourself to attend a group meeting, just to make connections with others, and reaffirm your value as a great human being. I believe very strongly that once you get some of the very extreme symptoms under control, you can then move forward with your life, love and be loved. I can almost guarantee you...you will surely find a great difference when the two above mentioned are treated. Life is way, way to short for you to be 'stuck', and you *absolutely* owe it to yourself. You may quite strongly surprise yourself.
Best and hope...
Jay
Posted by noa on November 30, 2003, at 12:21:08
In reply to Re: I don't want to die., posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 21:46:29
KL,
Don't set yourself up with huge expectations. You are starting a new life. The first step was to leave the old life that was toxic for you. It is a huge thing that you stopped answering those calls. One step at a time.
This weekend isn't the time to be facing crowds if that is stressful. Take one baby step at a time. Every day do one TEENY TINY LITTLE thing that is good for you. It will build up. It will. The little things become the scaffolding for the bigger steps that you will eventually be ready for.
Don't compare yourself to a Hollywood image, where image is everything and we don't really know what is behind the image. Especially in KH's day, when the studios controlled the images, and access to what was really going on in private lives was practically zero.
But if KH offers inspiration, take it one little bit at a time.
You are a good friend for helping your intoxicated buddy out. But that can be depressing, too, no?
Posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2003, at 12:44:01
In reply to I don't want to die., posted by kara lynne on November 29, 2003, at 18:05:32
>>I didn't do anything today except watch television. I kept lying there thinking, I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything...I should be doing something.
>
You were doing something. You were resting and recouperating and, as octopusprime said, doing what YOU wanted to do. Eventually you will get bored just sitting there, and then YOU will want to do something else.> I guess it's really finally over. The ex has stopped leaving messages that I don't answer.
>
Yes, it is really finally over. Let it die.> I have to be someone I respect first. I want to go back to the relative safety of a bad relationship rather than learning to respect myself.
You WANT to go back to the bad relationship because it is easy and familiar. But you are worth more than that. Invest in yourself - learn to respect yourself.
You really are so much stronger than when I met you. Have you read your old posts? Do you see how unhappy you were then? Do you see how much you have grown?
Cheering from the sidelines,
Falls
Posted by kara lynne on November 30, 2003, at 17:31:01
In reply to Re: I don't want to die. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2003, at 12:44:01
Posted by JimD on December 1, 2003, at 7:50:31
In reply to thank you (((everyone))) (nm), posted by kara lynne on November 30, 2003, at 17:31:01
Wow, does this story sound familiar. I've been trying to start anew for some time now, and finally decided that this weekend was the right time. I woke up with the sad realization that I had spent *over a year* clinging to hope that my ex would come back to me. A year of anxiety every time he called to say hi, every time we bumped into each other at the bar, every time I heard that he was dating someone else, etc. What made my situation particularly difficult was the fact that every time he was between relationships, he would come back to me...We've had some of the most deep emotional conversations in which he tells me (in essence) "I love you, but I'm not ready for commitment on the level you are looking for." I finally realized that it is all mind games, and that statements like those should read "if I don't find someone 'better' than you, I want the option to use you as a backup." Imgaine what that does to my self-esteem.
I was really intrigued by the fact that noa used the word 'toxic' to describe these relationships, because they are just that. They wear away at your insides and leave you feeling like a hollow shell of a person. My realization this weekend was great, but it is still difficult to swallow in some regards. I looked at the people my ex has/is dating, and realized that none of them are anywhere near my level. Not to sound arrogant, but I finally recognized that my problem isn't that I'm not "not good enough" for my ex, but that I'm "too good." I'm too smart, too loving, too cute, too fun, too everything someone should want in a partner, and that scared him.
Believe me, I'm having a hard time with my first (or maybe second) steps, too. I finally deleted his number from my cell phone and blocked him from instant messaging me. I recognize that these are baby steps on what will be a marathon of healing, but they are significant, none the less. Even more significant is my desire to finally move on. I know that if I don't *want* it badly enough, it will never happen...and now I want it more than ever. An even bigger step that I'm taking this week: I have a date. :) This will be the first real date I've gone on in months, and the first time I've done it while my ex and I are in the same city. Am I nervous? Extremely...not only for the date, but for letting go of something that I considered to be 'my world' for so long.
It's tough to let go, but doing so and never looking back is the only way that you will ever be able to find the feelings that you had for your ex with someone new.
Don't sit around thinking about what YOU lost. Realize just how much HE lost by no longer being with you. You are too good for him. Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of that constantly. I know I'm going to need lots of support to keep moving in this direction, seeing as I'm easily drawn back to my ex, but I realize that there are tons of people (both online and in person), who are going to give me that support. Know that we're here to provide that same support for you.
(sorry about the novel)
JD
This is the end of the thread.
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