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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Waterlily on November 16, 2003, at 19:24:34
How do you know when to go to the hospital? What's it like there?
One of my worst fears is that I'll end up there some day. To me that would be the ultimate failure (to me, that is, I don't think it is for others). It would mean that I'd be unable to take care of my family and I know I'd be letting them down. I have a husband and two daughters ages 9 and 11. I am at a very low point right now and am worried that I won't be able to go to work tomorrow. All I feel is emptiness and I see end to it. I am on medication (Wellbutrin for the past 8 or 9 years and just started on Luvox for this deep depression and anxiety on Friday). I've been in therapy for nearly 3 years and feel like I've lost all of the ground I gained. I will not entertain the idea of s.uicide (computer will delete that word if I type it normally) because my dad did it when I was 14. I could never put my family through that, but I have this feeling that I'm destined for it, which makes me scared that I'll lose control of myself and do it against my will.
I guess I would have to call the pdoc on call if things got terribly bad, but I wouldn't know when to do that. Any thoughts?
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2003, at 19:41:59
In reply to hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 16, 2003, at 19:24:34
I'm not altogether sure myself. But if you aren't sure you can keep yourself safe, I think it's time to call.
I'm sure your husband and daughters wouldn't see it as a failure or like you'd be letting them down. They'll just want you to be safe so that you can be there for them. And how it's presented to your daughters will make all the difference to them. Don't worry about that at all.
I'm so sorry about your Dad. I really admire your determination not to have your daughters have to face what you did.
A lot of people have suggested deciding which hospital you'd be going to if necessary and seeing if it's possible to find out more about it. That would reduce a lot of the anxiety.
Posted by Larry Hoover on November 17, 2003, at 6:20:32
In reply to hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 16, 2003, at 19:24:34
> How do you know when to go to the hospital? What's it like there?
It depends on the hospital. And the when part should be something you talk about now, in my opinion. Depression changes subjective thought, how you perceive things, to such an extent that you may be unable to make a reasonable decision later, when it is more crucial to make one.
> One of my worst fears is that I'll end up there some day. To me that would be the ultimate failure (to me, that is, I don't think it is for others).
It's not a failure to acknowledge a need for help. It's a sign of strength. That's my sincere opinion.
> It would mean that I'd be unable to take care of my family and I know I'd be letting them down.
If you needed hospitalization, your family would know of your struggle already. They'd know it was best for you.
> I have a husband and two daughters ages 9 and 11.
Perfectly capable of looking after their own needs....
> I am at a very low point right now and am worried that I won't be able to go to work tomorrow. All I feel is emptiness and I see end to it. I am on medication (Wellbutrin for the past 8 or 9 years and just started on Luvox for this deep depression and anxiety on Friday). I've been in therapy for nearly 3 years and feel like I've lost all of the ground I gained. I will not entertain the idea of s.uicide (computer will delete that word if I type it normally) because my dad did it when I was 14. I could never put my family through that, but I have this feeling that I'm destined for it, which makes me scared that I'll lose control of myself and do it against my will.
You need to bring a person you trust into the loop. It could be a doctor, your therapist, your husband, a close friend....someone you can say a key phrase to, something you've agreed is the statement that puts into place an action plan. Or, an observable state....like being nonresponsive in bed when you might otherwise be up. Or crying without being able to stop. An observer can be objective, and make the action plan work.
When I get into that place you find yourself now, I get my action plan ready (call emergency, call a cab, and go), but my personal difficulty is that my depression makes me feel so unworthy of anyone's efforts on my behalf (I'd be wasting their valuable time) that I never successfully got my action plan to work. The biggest problem was, I lived alone. You've got people right there.
> I guess I would have to call the pdoc on call if things got terribly bad, but I wouldn't know when to do that. Any thoughts?
Talk about it with him, now, while you can discuss it with some degree of clarity. He's prepared to answer that question, I can assure you. It's part of his job, and part of being on call.
Please acknowledge your own strength and courage in asking these difficult questions. You've got what it takes to get through this.
Hugs,
Lar
Posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2003, at 7:21:20
In reply to hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 16, 2003, at 19:24:34
I go to the hospital when I scare myself. When I am afraid that I will do something to hurt myself and that I won't be able to stop.
I send my friends to the hospital when they scare me. When I worry every day that I won't see them the next day.
Hospitals can be very helpful places. Research your area to find out which hospitals are good and which are not so good (talk to anyone you can find who has been in. Find someone who has been to many different hospitals, they can rank them for you. Ask your therapist and pdoc which are the best.) Go for a visit so that you have a picture in your mind of what the place looks like and sounds like. Find out what their daily schedule is (what groups do they have, can you get one on one time). This way you don't have to be scared of the unknown (hospital) while you are scared of yourself.
It is not a failure to go to the hospital, anymore than it is a failure to be hospitalized for pneumonia. Your husband and children will rise to the occasion.
Posted by LynneDa on November 17, 2003, at 13:16:17
In reply to Re: hospitalization - how do you know when? » Waterlily, posted by Larry Hoover on November 17, 2003, at 6:20:32
Hi! My Mom went through a depression/anxiety/nervous breakdown sort of thing when I was about 14. We didn't talk about it of course, that was in the '70s. However, after she got out of the hospital she was better. My younger sister and I were scared because no one told us what was going on. I'm 40 now and have told my parents about all I'm going through and I made her talk about that time - for the first time ever. It was hard for her, but I'm glad she did because now I know depression and anxiety runs in my family and for some reason it's a relief knowing that.
Larry's advice is great. Get a plan and a confidante. I know what you mean about feeling destined or doing something out of your control. I feel like that sometimes and I call my sister. A password is a good idea. I just call her and she can tell I'm at that point! She snaps me back to reality. Talk to your doctor, maybe you need a medication change.
Hang in there please and don't give up on yourself. Your girls need you, no matter what. You can get through anything for them.
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on November 17, 2003, at 13:23:10
In reply to hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 16, 2003, at 19:24:34
Waterlily - One more thing. I just read my post and it sounds so negative about the effect on the family. It was negative only because they weren't open with us about what was happening. I saw my Mom as a wonderful woman who I admired, but I know sometimes she was not happy and I didn't know why - thought it was me or thought she was just not competent sometimes. I hate even writing that, it sounds like a betrayal. If she'd told me what was happening, it would have been different.
Not sure how much you tell your girls. I try to explain things to my 7 year old in terms she can understand so she doesn't think I'm mad or disinterested in her. I also stress that she's not responsible for taking care of me or trying to make me happy, that I just have to work hard and get through this and that some days will be better than others. I don't know if that's the right way to handle it or what I could be doing to her. I just know NOT knowing when I was growing up didn't seem right either!
I hope this helps. As Mom's we always feel guilty about something. But please, never feel guilty about getting help for yourself. Don't be afraid to take steps to protect yourself if you are at that point. If you actually question it, you must be kind of close. You deserve the best care you can get and it will help them in the long run too!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by Waterlily on November 17, 2003, at 15:23:12
In reply to hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 16, 2003, at 19:24:34
Thanks for your wonderful responses. I was in a terrible state this morning and couldn't eat breakfast, but I did take an Ativan and went to work. I don't know why I barely ever take Ativan even though I should. The Ativan was a lifesaver. It calmed me down enough to do my work and to stop worrying about my mental state. I know that I always crash after periods of extreme stress, and I have had some major stressors lately. Right now I realize that I need to keep myself calm. If that means taking Ativan, that's okay. I'm supposed to call my pdoc next week and let him know how the Luvox is working. My therapist is in Germany for ten days, otherwise I'd give her a call. When she comes back I will ask her about what happens when someone is hospitalized. I have an appointment with my pdoc next month and I'll ask him the same question.
My daughters are both aware that I take meds for depression and that it keeps me from doing what my dad did. My oldest, age 11, is all too familiar with depression and anxiety, as she suffers from depression, OCD, and ADD. She seems to be well controlled on medication right now. My 9 year old is a perpetually happy person and has no emotional problems. Go figure.
Posted by LynneDa on November 17, 2003, at 15:30:25
In reply to Re: hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 17, 2003, at 15:23:12
Glad to hear you are feeling better. I'm afraid my daughter is headed in similar directions as yours. She's only 7, but is showing signs. It's definitely in her genes on both sides of the family. When did you first have her diagnosed, if you don't mind my asking? I'm glad to hear your 9-year old is so happy go lucky, nice balance!
You sound stronger . . . treat yourself well, sounds like you deserve it!
~ Lynne
Posted by Waterlily on November 17, 2003, at 16:32:50
In reply to Re: hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by LynneDa on November 17, 2003, at 15:30:25
Thanks Lynne. I hope that if I continue to be careful I will be able to enjoy the cruise that we're going on in less than three weeks. It would really stink if I was depressed for that!
My daughter was diagnosed with all three of the conditions at pretty much the same time a few years ago. She got the worst of both of our gene pools - ADD from my husband and depression and anxiety from me. She has been a moody child forever. If anyone ever asks about getting her off antidepressants she gets really scared and says that she does not ever want to feel that way again.
I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter may be going the same way. It's a shame that they have to deal with this at such a young age.
Posted by LynneDa on November 17, 2003, at 16:45:39
In reply to Re: hospitalization - how do you know when?, posted by Waterlily on November 17, 2003, at 16:32:50
I hope you will be feeling better by then. A cruise sounds wonderful, especially after such stress you've had lately. Hopefully you can just relax and not have any expectations of yourself while cruising!
In a way, it's good your daughter can tell the difference on meds and off. I don't think mine has the cognitive skills to really identify what she's feeling or how she's behaving. We're working with her on identifying appropriate and inappropriate emotional reactions to things and working on coping mechanisms for when she goes into a "daze" - her word for when she's in her own world and not paying attention!
Good luck, do something nice for yourself tonight :-)
~ Lynne
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