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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09
I'm a gay guy living in a small town. I spent two years of my life dating a guy, who has since cast me to the curb. I fell head over heals for this guy, and in spite of having broken up with him close to a year ago, I'm most certainly still not over him.We have continued to mess around (yes, i know, a mistake) and maintained a 'friendship' for the past year. It is impossible to cast him out of my life because we are in the same social circles. Of course, I still have feelings for him that are extremely intense, and deep down inside, I want him back.
I don't know what bothers me more: not being together with him, or simply feeling as though we can't be good friends. We talk on the phone/email at least every other day and tend to see each other once or twice per week, be it intentional or by bumping into each other at the one gay bar in town. Regardless, the content of our discussions is nothing more than small talk. I feel as though we call to 'check in' on each other more than to hear what the other has to say.
I know that I'm foolish for clinging to hope, but I can't seem to help myself. What to do...
Posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 13:07:03
In reply to Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09
Hi,
Boy, can I relate. I'm sorry that it's causing so much pain....
>>I spent two years of my life dating a guy, who has since cast me to the curb.
<<Why did he break up with you? Not trying to be nosy, just wondering how *definite* his intentions to break up actually were...
> We have continued to mess around (yes, i know, a mistake) and maintained a 'friendship' for the past year.
<<Hmmmm, it's very easy to fall into that trap...it's comfortable, it's something you know, and possible you think being with him will somehow reignite the romance?>> and deep down inside, I want him back.
<<Do you know *why* exactly you want him back? When one of my ex-es broke up with me, I was devastated beyond belief because I thought he was my soul mate, that he was the *one.* That he was making a mistake breaking up with me....but part of it had to do with *my* insecurity that I wouldn't find someone like him again.One of the things I do to help me get over an ex is to focus on and constantly remind myself of all of his faults, the things that annoyed me. I read somewhere once that we tend to forget the bad things and concentrate on the good things...if you keep doing that, your feelings for him won't die.
I mean, is he *really* the guy for you? If he were, why was he such a knucklehead and broke up with you? :-) There could be so many reasons, other than love, that make you want him back. Lust, control, insecurity, fear of the unknown. And they can be powerful, unfortunately.
>>We talk on the phone/email at least every other day and tend to see each other once or twice per week, be it intentional or by bumping into each other at the one gay bar in town.
<<I know you can't help running into him, but could you try and cut down on the phone/e-mail stuff a bit? Maybe not totally. Baby steps. I know there are probably wonderful things about him -- why else would you fall for him? But there have to be some bad things. Perhaps *he* is afraid of committment. Perhaps he's too self-involved. Perhaps he has other personality issues that he needs to work on before he could be a good mate to anyone. If, and I have no clue if this is the case, but if you are trying to fix him, it will never work...It's best to nurture yourself.And perhaps meeting someone new might help? I know you said you are in a small town, but could you try a personal ad or internet service or something?
I know it hurts, and I wish I had some great insight to help you with this, cuz nobody deserves the type of pain I think you're in. But you *do* deserve *better* than an off again on again friendship/relationship...You really do.
Good luck. It *will* get better...
Susan
Posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 13:16:05
In reply to Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09
Hi Jim,
You are in a tough situation. Trying to just "be friends" isn't working, because you have recognized you still have strong emotional and physical attraction.
As the Eagles sing in Hotel California "we are all just prisoners here of our own device." Escaping from that prison is hard, being friends with an ex makes it even harder. I would think about why you broke up in the first place before you leap into reconcililation. Think about it now, not when you're back together and suddenly everything bad is back and even worse.
I should tell you I'm not a gay guy (married female) but I have been through this with my ex's. There were lots of them and only one has been able to remain friends, but even my husband says he can tell the guy is still in love with me. My ex is in my social circle so we see each other frequently. It's not awkward for me, I don't know how he deals with it. Then again he is the one who left me.
I hope I offered some help.
Poet
Posted by Destroyo on November 14, 2003, at 13:32:38
In reply to Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09
I can't help much, only just fatuously point out that you can't get over the old flame until you find a new one (a Jeff Chandler lookalike?). You're a very articulate and concise writer, JimD. Welcome aboard!
Posted by JimD on November 16, 2003, at 1:03:23
In reply to Re: Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 13:07:03
Hi all,
First, thanks for the help. It's been tough. That bad news is that it looks like things got worse.
I just got back from a party where I bumped into my ex. Tonight was all the more special because he had brought a date to the evening's festivities! Yikes. In an effort to avoid what was certain to be an uncomfortable remainder of the evening, I grabbed a friend of mine who knew what I was going through and took off.
My friend, Chris, knows the situation, and as such, I consulted him on what to do. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to have much of an answer for me.
Do I have a right to be upset that he showed up with a date when we are/were still messing around? Or was I simply playing with fire and got burned in the process? Should I confront him about it and/or advise him of what I'm going through?
Part of me wants to tell him how I'm feeling, so as to let him know that I was hurt. Another part of me, however, says that it will do no good, and that I'm just likely to be more hurt by whatever response he may provide.
Susan, to answer some of your questions, yes, i do (perhaps, *did*, at this point) hope that somehow we would reignite the romance between us. I realize now (after reading your message), that my desire to be back together extends beyond him, and is somewhat due to my own insecurity with being alone.
I'm so extremely hurt. I wish I could find the words to describe it. It's a pain that I fear will never go away, and one that I abhore having to live with.
Posted by Destroyo on November 16, 2003, at 1:14:42
In reply to Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09
JimD, I have EMORMOUS respect for the old-fashioned integrity of your romantic idealism; you are practically a paragon of Victorian virtue; I know it's almost useless to say, but if you could tear out a page from the playbook of we sraight guys, LISTEN TO YOUR LOINS. Just find a new boy-toy, my friend.
Posted by Poet on November 16, 2003, at 12:53:11
In reply to It just got worse..., posted by JimD on November 16, 2003, at 1:03:23
Why can't relationships be as easy to deal with at the end as the beginning? If anyone has the answer to that one, they have an instant best seller.
As you figured out, the danger in telling him how hurt you are about the party, may make you feel even worse. It also might help you release some of the pent up emotional pain and help you come to terms with that the relationship you desire may not happen. He may only be feeling physical attraction to you which is why he wants to mess around, but brought a date to the party.
Your feeling of of insecurity being alone is a very valid one. Especially when you saw him with someone else. I feel your pain.
Poet
Posted by JimD on November 16, 2003, at 17:01:00
In reply to Re: It just got worse... » JimD, posted by Poet on November 16, 2003, at 12:53:11
Hey all,
Thanks again for the feedbacak. I appreciate the support, and certainly am in need right now.
I think that today is going to mark a turn-around that I've needed to make for a long time. It's time that I take steps to put some distance between my ex and I. We did talk today about how I felt last evening, and why I think we need to knock off the 'relations' that we had been pursuing. He agreed that it was destroying our friendship (or what is left of it).
Now, for the hard part. What's next? I'm thinking that I'd like to take a few days off of talking to him to reset. I need to realize that nothing is going to happen, and that it's a good thing! I think the toughest part is going to be filling the void. Perhaps a shopping spree may fill the void :)
jim
Posted by Poet on November 17, 2003, at 9:48:10
In reply to butterflies in stomach, posted by JimD on November 16, 2003, at 17:01:00
Posted by Jai on November 21, 2003, at 13:06:57
In reply to Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09
> I'm a gay guy living in a small town. I spent two years of my life dating a guy, who has since cast me to the curb. I fell head over heals for this guy...
In my life the falling head over heels...part of love.. is certainly a tip off that there was something about this person that I wanted from the first meeting. It presents it's self like a mystery...falling...head over heels...picture the image. No self control....maybe not even a choice...just tumbling and tumbling into this bliss. With a fall like that there is sure to be reality on it's heels. Reality is that this person may not be that perfect, incredible, un-real person who first we see...maybe a projection of something we have craved all our lives? Maybe the fleeting sense of the LOVE of our lives? Maybe a part of ourselves that we cannot see? No doubt, it feels like an addiction...so much fun at first. Maybe this makes sense to you, maybe not, but that's what I see inside of me when this happens to me. It becomes a puzzle to unravel. An onion to peel. A life to figure out. I hope this helps. Jai
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