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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 9:00:17
Hi all,
This started back in -98 when I moved to another country to study, I have posts about this under babble from Jan -99 under the name Mattias. My future was marked out, I was to study civil engineering and everyone expected me to do it, I was intelligent and gifted and bla bla. So the pressure was obvious. Shortly before I moved I started to feel anxious and irritated, I didn’t know why, study civil engineering was what I have wanted to do in my entire adult life. So I moved. When I came to the new country I mentally broke down, panic disorder, depression and social phobia(later diagnosed). I stayed for three horrible days, then I moved back home, which depressed me even more. I didn’t dare to tell anyone why I moved home again, I felt ashamed, thought I got insane and that no one would understand. I came up with excuses like I didn’t like the school and so on.
As soon as I came home I contacted a doctor and told her my story and she prescribed me propranolol to help my panic disorder(my disorders didn’t go away when I came home). A week later she prescribed me zopiclone to help me sleep and she insisted that I should make an appointment with a psychiatrist, which I first were very reluctant to. Mainly because of the shame(nowadays I know there is nothing to be ashamed of). But she convinced me and I met a psychiatrist about a month later. I first started out with prozac, it helped my panic disorder pretty good but did nothing for my depression. At this point I started to study at a small local institute which couldn’t offer me the education I wanted but it was better than nothing. A few months later after failing on effexor I finally got relieved from my depression with remeron. I was now taking remeron + prozac and diazepam as needed.
My studies went well but I always felt like it wasn’t the right choice and after three years my confident had grown to that extent, I felt I was ready to move to the other country and continue my studies there at a much larger institute with greater opportunities. I felt that I was mature for this now and my panic disorder and depression was under control. So I discontinued my studies back home and in the fall of -01 I moved again. This time it went smoother. But I’ve struggled with depression and social phobia ever since. Difficulties to concentrate and lack of motivation. In the spring this year (-03) I took a brake and took a job for three months. I tried different medications to help my lack of motivation, lack of concentration and depression. Clomipramine, paroxetine and buspar did nothing for me. I finally got some relief with edronax but I had to quit it because of severe side effects. Then I moved home over the summer(as I’ve done every year).
At the end of this summer I felt more motivated to study then ever, which was a necessity because I haven’t performed well in school since I started here and with few courses passed. The first five weeks I performed very well, and then suddenly, crash boom bang. I hit a wall. Now I’ve been depressed for over month and complete lack of motivation. I was and are currently on remeron 15mg and klonopin 2-4mg. My psychiatrist suggested edronax once more which I reluctantly accepted after being rejected wellbutrin(as I suggested, I live in Europe and wellbutrin is not indicated for depression here). After five days I quitted edronax once again due to its side effects. I am now going to see another psychiatrist. And that’s my story and that’s where I am now.
The two choices I have, well as it feels right now only one, is to stay and hope for a rescue that maybe is never to come or take the shame, swallow my pride and move back home and take a job. This is painful, I really don’t know what to do. As days goes by the more I misses in school and my chances to pass the exams is declining towards zero. I don’t know if the performance anxiety is depressing me or if it really is a medical issue. I’m starting to think that if I move home and take job maybe I’ll do fine. I really don’t know. Continue my studies at the institute back home is out question, I do have a little pride left in me, but who knows…
Thank you so much for taking your time reading this. I would really appreciate your opinions, ideas and advices.
/tensor
Posted by Medusa on November 12, 2003, at 9:20:46
In reply to Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 9:00:17
> The two choices I have,
I think you have more than two choices.
Some of this depends on the resources available at your school.
>if I move home and take job maybe I’ll do fine.
Not without more support.
Are you seeing a therapist at all? It sounds like you need some big help fast, and for that I'm going to push you into the deep end of the pool and recommend a short-term system therapy. It often deals with family stuff, which probably feels irrelevant since you're on your own etc etc. But it can make a huge difference in the weight and quality of your depression. I hear you hear you hear you on the high-pressure academic situation and not being able to do anything when you're in a tight spot.
Maybe Dinah could give you my address, if you'd like to discuss any of this off-line. I don't mean to be pushy - just offering. I've been where you've been, including with the foreign experience. (Except my high-level uni was in my own country, and the one I attended abroad was a lower level.)
Posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 9:33:20
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by Medusa on November 12, 2003, at 9:20:46
> Are you seeing a therapist at all?
No, not now, i've done it in the past but that was for panic disorder.
> Maybe Dinah could give you my address, if you'd like to discuss any of this off-line.
Yes, that would be very kind of you.
Thanks for being so supportive, i'm in the middle of a major life crisis and will listen to any proposal.
/tensor
Posted by Dinah on November 12, 2003, at 9:37:06
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by Medusa on November 12, 2003, at 9:20:46
I'd be happy to, but I think that although you spoke of emailing me, I'm not sure that you ever did so. So you'll both have to pass your email to me before I can pass it on. :)
My email address is in the FAQ.
Posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 10:12:15
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help. » Medusa, posted by Dinah on November 12, 2003, at 9:37:06
Hi,
I've sent my e-mail to you.
/tensor
Posted by octopusprime on November 12, 2003, at 11:09:48
In reply to Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 9:00:17
tensor,
i would push for medical leave from school. (or simply just withdraw from your classes, though it might be a bit late for that without medical reasons).
i would suggest visiting your academic advisor, TODAY. you need advice about continuing with your studies. be prepared that academic advisors are not necessarily known for their sympathetic natures, but if you spin a tale full of doctors and drugs and diagnoses, you should get a receptive audience.
this person can help you figure out what steps to take so you can preserve your right to study in the future.
good luck.
Posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 12:50:35
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by octopusprime on November 12, 2003, at 11:09:48
Hi,
there would be no problem to take a break in my studies for medical reasons. As i wrote earlier i took a break last spring and both my academic advisor and my school welfare officer had full understanding. I was welcome back when i had recovered.
The problem, if i choose to quit, is what to do then. Because study is the only thing i would like to do, if i wasn't inhibited by medical(?) issues. One thing is certain, i have a job if i choose to return home. The only positive is that i have something to fall back to. But, again, as i wrote earlier that isn't what i've planned for my life./tensor
Posted by octopusprime on November 12, 2003, at 22:01:43
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help. » octopusprime, posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 12:50:35
tensor,
thanks, that clarifies things a bit. it's good to have support from the staff.
i don't know how old you are, or how close you are to your family, or how financially secure you are. would it be possible to go without a job and studying for a while?
i understand how hard it is to study when you are depressed. maybe 6 months or a year of focussing on depression recovery will help? therapy, travel, staring at wall, journaling, walking puppies?
alternatively, could you reduce to a part-time course load?
or how about taking a job in the country that you live in now, if it's going home that's the problem?
studying requires your mental faculties; you're not a failure if you can't study while you're not doing well. there is *nothing* to be ashamed of. it's so difficult to talk about problems like this openly and honestly. but maybe that's the first step. tell your family, tell your friends, help them help you explore your options.
a student lifestyle is appealing, and i understand the allure. however, you need to take care of you, and only bite off what you can chew. the university will still be there when you're ready for it.
cheers. hope this helps, eh?
Posted by tensor on November 13, 2003, at 7:12:36
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by octopusprime on November 12, 2003, at 22:01:43
Hi and thank you.
Financially i'm pretty secure, so far. I haven't gone to a single lecture for over a month. I am just doing nothing. I feel like i don't want to school right now at all. It doesn't feel good when i can't go 100% or even 50%.
I was seeing my doctor wednesday last week and the only med he could offer me was clomipramine or edronax, i've tried them both before with little or no success. I tested edronax til sunday and i felt it had kicked in. But as it did last time it just pumps me full with adrenaline, full of surplus energy with no motivation to use it. Edronax also gives me horrible side effects.
So i've now switched pdoc and am now waiting for an appointment. Arghh.. this waiting.. And i don't what he can do for me, really.>or how about taking a job in the country that you live in now, if it's going home that's the problem?
That's what i did last spring as i wrote earlier and it could of course be an alternative. But to do that i need to feel a little better than i do now.
>tell your family, tell your friends, help them help you explore your options.
I've talked about my illneses with both family and friends. Especially my father, i did talk to him in the spring this year and before that. My mom, his wife passed away four years ago, i don't want burden him with so much more. If i for once sake could bring some good news to him. I know all he wants is me to be happy, but also succeed in my studies, which i'm not.
I have a big family with lots of relatives and everyone has to/need to know why i quitted again and all that stuff, that feels very unpleasant.
I really appreciate your answers and it has made me start to think.
Thanks
/tensor
Posted by octiigon on November 15, 2003, at 3:50:34
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help. » octopusprime, posted by tensor on November 13, 2003, at 7:12:36
Wow... I can relate.. I'm actually in a similar -but much closer distance wise problem.
I want to become an artist- so naturally I decide I want to galliavant my way up to the "University with the best art department."
I also have panic disorder- pre diagnosed to coming up here. The university is about 250 miles from home... so not TOO far away- but still.
I also wanted to get good grades, but the ending of a destructive relationship upon entering college- and all the pain that went with it- along with the sense of not fitting in whatsoever finally led me to the choice of not attending next semester. Not to mention I don't even care what grades I acquire, as long as I get out of the school.
It just came down to what I thought was best for me- and for me being around an emotional support group helps me alot because I don't have that at all right now. Just choose whatever you think will help you in the long run- If returning home will help out your grades in the future, then I'd suggest it, it isn't fun sitting in limbo like that.
Posted by tensor on November 16, 2003, at 6:11:46
In reply to Re: Two hard choices in my life, plz help., posted by octiigon on November 15, 2003, at 3:50:34
This is the end of the thread.
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