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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 11, 2003, at 7:06:58
The last thing I want to do is come across like I'm preaching.....but I am imploring people to respect each other's unique need for TIME. Time to process, and understand confusing and powerful and often contradictory emotions.
Reconciliation has to be a mutual process. Just because you're ready doesn't mean the other party is ready. Reconciliation can only occur if there is awareness of, and respect for, both parties' readiness to proceed.
In reading the variety of posts with respect to a recent disturbance, I don't see any evidence that very many of us are ready, YET, to attempt reconciliation. That's my gut feeling. It's too early for anything more than the simplest of apologies, "I'm sorry." It may even be too soon for that.
I have found great guidance and comfort in the challenges presented in the 12-steps first written for members of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 9th step is: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Please note the key word "when". I know, semantically, "when" has more than one meaning in this phrase. But the timing issue is definitely part of it.
Our lives are long, yet our urges may feel that they need immediate expression. But, that's not true. Part of making amends is being responsible. Being responsible for all aspects, including the amend itself.
Forgiving is not equivalent to forgetting. You injure anew if you ask that someone else put something behind them. That is not for you to decide for another, and that is not what making amends is all about. Making an amend should also have no element of expectation for forgiveness. If you are apologizing so as to be forgiven, then you have a selfish rather than an empathetic motive. You have to see things through the other party's eyes, or you aren't amending anything. It takes time to get there.
This (reconciliation) is a process, and it cannot be rushed and still be successful. Pushing too soon will prolong or prevent it from occurring at all.
In sincerity and respect,
Lar
Posted by Dinah on October 11, 2003, at 7:15:14
In reply to Forgiveness/amends, posted by Larry Hoover on October 11, 2003, at 7:06:58
Posted by BekkaH on October 11, 2003, at 12:47:48
In reply to Forgiveness/amends, posted by Larry Hoover on October 11, 2003, at 7:06:58
Larry, that was a wonderful message. Thank you.
Posted by Arrianna on October 11, 2003, at 15:58:46
In reply to Forgiveness/amends, posted by Larry Hoover on October 11, 2003, at 7:06:58
Just posted a thread concerning this before I saw your post. You said it exactly!
Arrianna
Posted by Ayla on October 11, 2003, at 16:59:42
In reply to Forgiveness/amends, posted by Larry Hoover on October 11, 2003, at 7:06:58
Posted by HannahW on October 11, 2003, at 22:26:11
In reply to Re: Forgiveness/amends » Larry Hoover, posted by Arrianna on October 11, 2003, at 15:58:46
You have verbalized the thoughts that wouldn't quite gel in my mind. Thank you.
Posted by Arrianna on October 11, 2003, at 23:05:51
In reply to Re: Forgiveness/amends » Arrianna, posted by HannahW on October 11, 2003, at 22:26:11
This is the end of the thread.
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