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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NutMeig on September 19, 2003, at 17:40:20
I have this question; I dont know if other people feel this way too. One of my friends, a really good friend, always seems to... blame every little thing that I do on my illness. Yes I'm Bipolar and I do funny things every once n' awhile, and in the past(before med.) I would make up things in my head and I thought they were real. I mean, people who are bipolar do that. So with the past I'm not really sure what really happened and what didnt, and he (my friend) know this. So every now and then when I say something about what I'm feeling, and he doesn’t agree with it, he tells me that I need to take more drugs and that I'm not seeing things clearly again and that I'm making things up. I've only known I'm bipolar since January and I have been friends with him for 5-6 years so he's uses to me acting this way, but I dont think I'm making things up, and maybe I am and I need to up my med’s, but does anyone else understand what I'm feeling? Does anyone else have a friend who would do this to them? How do I make him understand, that that was before and that I'm better now?
~NutMeig
Posted by Liligoth on September 19, 2003, at 20:05:39
In reply to How do I help my friend to understand?, posted by NutMeig on September 19, 2003, at 17:40:20
Hi Nutmeig, I had a partner who did this to me when I was coming off benzos & doing it way too fast & feeling very crazy. My partner, it turned out was having an affair, but whenever I would voice concerns & ask if something was going on I was told I needed to go back on my meds as I was losing touch with reality & imagining things.
I think whenever someone invalidates our reality & our wholeness in this way they are being abusive. Unfortunately it is those closest to us that abuse us - I know he has been your friend for a long time & you dont have to lose this friendship but just know that what is happening in this situation is wrong.
Have you tried talking about this with him & telling him how it makes you feel when he does it?
I would try this & if you get nowhere construct some boundaries so this behaviour cant hurt you.
cheers,
Posted by Susan J on September 19, 2003, at 21:10:56
In reply to How do I help my friend to understand?, posted by NutMeig on September 19, 2003, at 17:40:20
Hi, NutMeig,
Very cool name, by the way. :-)
> One of my friends, a really good friend, always seems to... blame every little thing that I do on my illness. Yes I'm Bipolar and I do funny things every once n' awhile, and in the past(before med.) ........So every now and then when I say something about what I'm feeling, and he doesn’t agree with it, he tells me that I need to take more drugs and that I'm not seeing things clearly again and that I'm making things up.
<<My exboyfriend could be a carbon copy of your friend. I'm not sure why they do it. I *do* think depression or bipolar disorder or anything like that is *extremely* difficult to relate to if you've never been there. And since they don't really understand, they don't know how to be supportive. Has your friend read up on bipolar disorder at all? Does he know anything about it other than what you've told him? If not, it might help some.
>> but I dont think I'm making things up, and maybe I am and I need to up my med’s, but does anyone else understand what I'm feeling?
<<Trust your gut on whether you are feeling better, making stuff up, or need more meds. You know that so much better than any outsider. Perhaps your meds *do* need to be adjusted, but that's neither here nor there, your friend shouldn't just automatically say stuff like that because he either doesn't understand what you are doing or doesn't like what you are doing.>>How do I make him understand, that that was before and that I'm better now?
<<My advice, please take from this what you think is helpful, if anything. Throw the rest away. :-)Tell him you feel much better now. Tell him that you had bipolar before, didn't know you did and therefore didn't know how to cope with it in a healthy way. Now you know, so half the battle is won, and you are currently working on behavioral changes as well as medical therapy to bring you the most happiness and emotional health possible. Tell him you understand his concern that perhaps you haven't always told the truth in the past, that that was a symptom of bipolar disorder, and that now you are working on it. Ask him, as a friend, a *long-term* friend, to please give you the benefit of the doubt, let you start with a clean slate, and have an open mind that you definitely are better now....
*After all, your behavior *is* different now. You have a diagnosis, have sought medical therapy, and presumably are doing something about making your emotional habits as healthy as possible. Therefore, there is a high probability that some negative behavior you may have displayed in the past won't happen anymore.*
If you acknowledge his hesitation about really believing everything you say, then he (hopefully) doesn't feel put down by your disagreeing with him. He *shouldn't* feel put down or defensive anyway, but this is the real world. :-) If you give him something he wants (affirmation of his feelings) hopefully he'll give you something you want (open mind and ability to trust you again).
It sounds to me like *he* is not the best communicator in the world. And unfortunately that can make you feel worse about yourself, and that's totally unnecessary and obviously not healthy.
And he probably hurts because you hurt. He probably doesn't want to see you struggle with this because he cares about you. Therefore, he wants it *fixed.* Now. And to generalize a bit (sorry guys), men who get frustrated about emotional issues tend to want to *solve them* for you rather than just give you emotional *support* which they don't always see as being productive.
And if he doesn't try to be open-minded and supportive, kick him to the curb. :-) Good luck. :-)
Susan
Posted by NutMeig on September 20, 2003, at 2:56:27
In reply to Re: How do I help my friend to understand? » NutMeig, posted by Susan J on September 19, 2003, at 21:10:56
I havent told him how it makes me feel, I’ve told him that I've been doing so much better in the last few months hoping that he'll get the hint. And yes, his communication skills could be the worst in the world, but at the moment we're going to different colleges and we're 300 miles apart so I cant really go next door and talk to him, we write emails.
How do I suggest to him that he should learn a little bit about the disorder? Do I give him a book that I had been reading about bipolar and tell him that I enjoyed it and that I thought that it would be good if he read it too? I’ve never done this before, none of my friends seemed really interested in leaning it, not even my two friends who are bipolar, he is the only friend of mine that really tries to “help” me with this. So, do I tell him that if he really wants to help that he might as well know some facts?
Thank you, both of you, your insights have helped me alot. I think he is just being a guy and thinking that I want him to fix it, rather then support me. Prehappen I should tell him that.
Thanks!
Posted by Susan J on September 22, 2003, at 10:27:01
In reply to Re: How do I help my friend to understand?, posted by NutMeig on September 20, 2003, at 2:56:27
> I havent told him how it makes me feel, I’ve told him that I've been doing so much better in the last few months hoping that he'll get the hint.
<<I'd be more direct. I'd tell him I really value our friendship, don't want to lose it, but would understand if it changed a bit since you are dealing with bipolar. Change isn't bad. :-)>How do I suggest to him that he should learn a little bit about the disorder? Do I give him a book that I had been reading about bipolar and tell him that I enjoyed it and that I thought that it would be good if he read it too?
<<I don't know him very well, whether he'd be in to reading a book....perhaps send him a couple of links that you find helpful, and that are from reputable sources....>>he is the only friend of mine that really tries to “help” me with this. So, do I tell him that if he really wants to help that he might as well know some facts?
<<Tell him you really appreciate him being supportive of you (maybe he's not doing it exactly the way you want, but his desire to be there for you is a good thing). I don't think I'd tell him that the way to help you is to learn some facts....he might get defensive (I don't know him, just speaking from my own experience with men). And just send a couple of links about bipolar. You know, FYI, if you are interested. Perhaps pointing out one or two things you are struggling with.>>I think he is just being a guy and thinking that I want him to fix it, rather then support me. Prehaps I should tell him that.
<<I'm such a believer in open communication. When done right (nonaccusatory) it can be a truly powerful thing. So tell him. Tell him you'd just like a (figurative) shoulder to lean on. Or find other, closer (geographically) friends to lean on if you think he's not so good in the emotional area. If he's not good at communicating, what he says could really hurt you, although I'm sure it would be totally unintentional.Good luck. It sounds like you've got a great friend in him. :-)
Susan
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