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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on September 15, 2003, at 22:15:43
worn out. can't see options. can't see my way to a better, happy life. can't tackle it. tired of fighting. wanna go, want out, but am afraid to and have too much to do to get affairs in order anyway. darned if I do, darned if I don't. sigh. short upcoming trip is one thing keeping me going. i hope it continues to be enough. I'm tired.
Em
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 22:52:06
In reply to :(, posted by Emme on September 15, 2003, at 22:15:43
I know.
A goal in the future can really help. I decided that I couldn't leave until my daughter finished high school. But before that happened I changed therapists and things are better (though not good) now. Try to keep something in the future as a goal to give you time to work things out.
Be good to yourself. Eat ice cream. Read "The Woman's Comfort Book" for good being good to yourself ideas.
Hug a teddy bear.
Posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2003, at 0:40:08
In reply to :(, posted by Emme on September 15, 2003, at 22:15:43
I've been there, Emme. That feeling of being unfinished with life, if only with the loose ends, kept me here many times. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Hang onto that little shred of hope about your trip. All it takes is a tiny glimmer of hope-- you can keep going til your mood improves.
Posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 0:50:45
In reply to Re: :(, posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2003, at 0:40:08
I think it's deadline time. Late Oct. That would give me time to get some things in order or for things to improve. Dunno if I could actually follow through. I really don't. But it's at least time for some consideration.
Posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2003, at 1:13:58
In reply to Re: :(, posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 0:50:45
you deserve better. Please let your doc and/or therapist know you're having these thoughts, in addition to talking to us here about it.
Posted by ridesredhorses on September 16, 2003, at 1:55:42
In reply to :(, posted by Emme on September 15, 2003, at 22:15:43
I know this may sound silly to you right now... I have been the kind of tired you are talking about. But we are all works in progress, and there can be no deadline for the completion of this work. Like a painting or a poem...except that we can always hope to be better, for longer periods of time, and more often. Hang in. And yes, do tell your dr of these thoughts and feelings you are having. You will be in my thoughts.
Posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 1:59:50
In reply to Re: no deadlines.. » Emme, posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2003, at 1:13:58
dear Emme,
I feel like the suicidal girl telling the depressed girl not to jump. But I mean it. Even though I am at my wits end right now, and I say I want to die, and I *feel* like I want to die, somewhere inside I know I *don't* want to die and I'm fighting for my life here. I know you are too somewhere--I just know it. We have to take those places as tiny as they might be and give them as much light and love as possible until they can grow a little bigger, and a little bigger, and someday they become strong. Because that is our true strength that got damaged along the way here, but it's ours and it belongs to us.Each time I have been in abject misery you have found it within yourself to come out of yours and give me a message of hope and encouragement. Any human being on the planet with that kind of compassion is meant to be here to share that--for those of us, like me, who desperately need it. Like I have told Gabbix, I feel she is going through her intense pain to teach us all something down the line--because she has such insight and clarity of expression. On the other side of this is you and your gift, Emme. Your heart shines here. Let that be your guide.
Cry. Write. Cry and write at the same time like I do. Please talk to your doctor and keep talking to as many people as you can. I think about you. We really are all connected in this universe; I meant it when I said I thought about you when you weren't posting. You make a difference, and to stop it in its tracks would do a disservice to the entire universe.
((((emme))))
Posted by Susan J on September 16, 2003, at 9:47:10
In reply to :(, posted by Emme on September 15, 2003, at 22:15:43
> worn out. can't see options. can't see my way to a better, happy life. can't tackle it. tired of fighting. wanna go, want out, but am afraid to and have too much to do to get affairs in order anyway. darned if I do, darned if I don't. sigh. short upcoming trip is one thing keeping me going. i hope it continues to be enough. I'm tired.
>
> Em<<Hiya,
I'm know I'm late posting in this thread. I feel *exactly* the same way you do. It's been 2 years of he-- and I don't see any end in sight. Just had a huge fight with the one guy who's always been supportive, and now he's probably gone. I've wished for death to end the pain, but I'm too scared to bring it on. And then, I'll wake up and things will seem a bit better....I still cry, but don't wish for death...
No boyfriend, no prospects of anyone ever loving me. No kids, no happiness. Just a little dog who doesn't deserve to be around someone in so much pain who won't even get up off the couch to play.
All I can say is this. Don't end the game now. If you end it now, you'll be ending it as a person who lost the game, and you'll hurt people who care about you. Each day you wake up, there's at least a chance that things will get better. One thing that is helping me right now is to be *angry* at depression. How dare it screw up my life? I would never let any *person* screw up my life, why should I let this?
It's a fight you can win. You have friends. We're here. We'll always listen.
Susan
Posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 12:12:23
In reply to Suicide or Other Ways Out » Emme, posted by Susan J on September 16, 2003, at 9:47:10
Posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 12:53:24
In reply to Suicide or Other Ways Out » Emme, posted by Susan J on September 16, 2003, at 9:47:10
Huge thanks to those who've been writing to me. I'll write more if y'all don't mind. I still want very much to die and am still very afraid to. So I have to take it 6 hours at a time (forget a day at a time). I'm not sure how much more I want to stand. I set a deadline I don't know if I can keep. But I also set some obligations I should keep and will be seeing my therapist more freqently. My sleep is so out of phase and I'm so tired that my brain is almost useless. I see my pdoc tomorrow. I'm hoping we can get me less overtired. Maybe if I'm less tired I'll feel better.....I'm hoping for any form of relief.
Hugs to everyone who says they feel what I feel. We need a big slumber party for the baddest darkest hours of the night.
Emme
Posted by Susan J on September 16, 2003, at 12:59:09
In reply to Still here, posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 12:53:24
>>I still want very much to die and am still very afraid to.
<<Nope. You are *not* allowed to. :-)I think what you really want, like me, is *not* to die, just to make the pain go away. And yeah, death seems to be a way out of the pain. But there *are* other ways. Love and God and friends and dogs and sunny days and people smiling at you on the street for no reason.
Please. Stay. :-)
Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 13:16:23
In reply to Still here, posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 12:53:24
I'm glad you are still here. It sounds like you are doing really good things for yourself - seeing you pdoc, and your therapist more often. You must have called your therapist and asked for help. That is such a big step. Good for you.
6 hours is good. Whatever chunk you feel comfortable with. Do things that you have always liked to do. Pamper yourself a bit. Eat ice cream (my personal favorite).
Posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 14:28:01
In reply to Re: Still here » Emme, posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 13:16:23
-We need a big slumber party for the baddest darkest hours of the night.-
Oh Emme. How I second that.
(((((((emme)))))))
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2003, at 18:58:47
In reply to Still here, posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 12:53:24
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, Emme. Make sure your therapist and pdoc are aware of how you are feeling. And pamper yourself a heck of a lot. The worst passes, Emme. Don't make any unchangeable decisions while you're feeling at your worst.
Posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 19:29:43
In reply to Re: Still here » Emme, posted by Susan J on September 16, 2003, at 12:59:09
You all are helping me so much. I'm so exhausted I can barely function. Was up till at least 3 last night, and got 2 hours sleep the night before. I'm despairing and ready to crash emotionally and physically. I see the doc tomorrow. will post more then. gotta go for now... Dunno if I'll be up super late again tonight. How much more mental and physical torture..?
Emme
Posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 19:37:08
In reply to ready to drop/crumble, posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 19:29:43
Can you take a sleeping pill?
Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 19:48:18
In reply to ready to drop/crumble, posted by Emme on September 16, 2003, at 19:29:43
I am so, so, so, so, so, so sorry you are in so much pain, Emme. I feel hesitant to say much, since I really respect what you were saying. It takes some serious courage to do what you are doing--hanging on and asking for help, and I am so, so, so, so, so sorry you are in so much pain.
Much love.
Posted by Susan J on September 17, 2003, at 8:58:27
In reply to :(, posted by Emme on September 15, 2003, at 22:15:43
Just wondering how you are doing.....hope things feel a bit better today....
Thinking about ya,
Susan
Posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 11:24:03
In reply to Hey, Are You There? » Emme, posted by Susan J on September 17, 2003, at 8:58:27
Thanks so much for asking, Susan.
I'm still here. I slept 7 hours last night. I still feel terribly sluggish and out of it and terribly terribly despairing. So...no better. I just saw my doctor. She wanted to put me in the hosptial. I balked because I am afraid. Irrational I know. I know she is justified.
We are stopping the zonegran in case that's the culprit and seeing how I do over the next few days. I'll see her next week and she's going with me to visit the local medical center that she feels is good. How's that for an attentive doctor? I am lucky. It does mean I have to somehow keep myself glued together long enough to get the zonegran out of my system and see if that makes a difference.
I have a social obligaiton for Friday evening. I must will myself to keep it...
Emme
Posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 11:26:13
In reply to Re: no deadlines.., posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 1:59:50
Kara Lynne,
Thanks so much for saying you've thought of my in my absence. That's so nice. I always figured I was out of everyone's mind when I was off the board for a while. Nice to know that's not necessarily the case.
Emme
Posted by Susan J on September 17, 2003, at 11:35:49
In reply to Re: Hey, Are You There?, posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 11:24:03
Hello! Thanks for answering....I've been thinking about you...
>>So...no better.
<<I'm sorry. :-( That sux.>>I just saw my doctor....How's that for an attentive doctor? I am lucky.
<<Yes, she sounds wonderful. I'm glad.<<She wanted to put me in the hosptial. I balked because I am afraid. Irrational I know. I know she is justified.
<<What are you afraid of? I don't know anything about hospitals, I'm afraid....last time I was in a hospital, I had my tonsils out at 5 years old and thought it was a blast.
> We are stopping the zonegran in case that's the culprit and seeing how I do over the next few days.
<<I don't know anything about that drug....is it something you just recently started taking or recently increased the dose? Personally, I get *every* single friggin side effect of any drug I have ever used. I got dizzy (bad, like vertigo), for goodness sake, on a low-dose antibiotic for acne! It very well could be drugs.....definitely worth sticking it out to see if that's the case...Hang in there. If it's the zonegran, think how much better you'll feel in a few days. :-)
Susan
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 18:52:29
In reply to Re: Hey, Are You There?, posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 11:24:03
Hospitals really aren't so bad. Some are better than others. I've been in twice (8 years ago and 1 year ago), and have found it really helpful both times.
You might want to find out what hospital she would recommend and then ask the hospital for a short tour. That way you could *see* it, and see what kind of program they have. Sometimes that can reduce the apprehension. Know that Psych hospitals have some weird rules (but most of them make sense if you think about them) - like they will take anything that you could use to hurt yourself (razors, belts, poisonous (or harmful) shampoos, ...). My unit was locked. At first you had to stay on the unit. As you gained privileges because you were less suicidal etc, you could have certain limited freedoms (on the highest privilege you could go most anywhere on the grounds, but you had to come back every 30 minutes so they knew you were OK). We had different groups (Art therapy- my favorite, learning about cognitive distortions, coping mechanisms, talking about how to arrange your life so you don't get into the same problem, trying to see yourself more realistically, lots of really useful stuff.) I saw my psychiatrist almost every day. We talked about the meds, but he also did a little (10 minutes) therapy - and he was really good. There was a counselor who was assigned to me for every shift. I could ask to talk to them (up to 30 minutes per shift, depending on what else was going on on the unit) about my own personal stuff. One of the counselors my first hospitalization has been one of my favorite therapists of all time.
When you are feeling so, so bad and suicidal a hospital can give you a break from your life so that you can collect yourself and figure out how to make things better.
If you need it, it really can help.
Posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 19:49:31
In reply to Re: Hey, Are You There? » Emme, posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 18:52:29
Thanks so much for your input Fallsfall. My doctor is actually going with me for a short tour of one hospital next week (if I don't end up there sooner). Maybe I'll go myself to look at a second place.
I'm afraid I don't take well to directed group activities. But I am sure I could benefit from one-on-one talk therapy and more intensive work with a doctor as you described. I like the idea of a counselor assigned to you for every shift. And getting to get a break and regroup. Part of me wants to go, part of me is scared. I know my doctor is very justified in her concern.
Not being able to go outdoors in the autumn would really increase my mental distress, so how locked up I would be is a *major* *MAJOR* issue - like if I could at least go outside even if it was with someone would really help. (I think I could use some kayak therapy.) No matter how suicidal I was I just think I would completely and totally lose it if I felt locked up. I'd have to ask about it when I see the place I guess. Gawd, I just have such a claustrophobic/mental block about this.
We'll see if I even out a bit in the next few days...
Emme still feels horrid.
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 20:54:53
In reply to Re: Hey, Are You There? » fallsfall, posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 19:49:31
I'm sorry you are still feeling horrid.
I know what you mean about going outdoors. My hospital has beautiful grounds (and even swings). Most people don't stay locked in for more than a day or two (there are exceptions, though).
A lot of hospital patients smoke. At my hospital the smokers smoked outdoors. They had scheduled cigarette breaks. I only saw one person who couldn't go out for a cig break for more than 8 hours (or so?) after they got there. They gave her a nicotine patch. People who weren't smokers could go out then, too (one of the staff took everybody out) if they stayed with the group (but not in the smoke!). So even if you didn't have privileges to go off the unit, you could go out with the smokers.
I saw one hospital where the smokers had a room, but you could get privileges to go off the unit when you were stable.
My hospital's grassy area is surrounded by lots of trees. The first time I was there I learned to associate the sound of the wind in the trees with being safe and comforted. I still feel that way when the wind blows through the trees.
I have found that climbing back up after a psychological crash is much harder than holding even. Just like it is easier to plug a small hole in a boat than to bail out the boat and fix a bigger hole. If you find yourself going down, please consider the hospital.
You could call them (they are open 24 hours) and ask about outside access.
((((Emme))))
Posted by Emme on September 17, 2003, at 23:24:10
In reply to Re: Hey, Are You There? » Emme, posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 20:54:53
Thanks for the extra input Fallsfall. That makes it a little less scary sounding. It sounds like you were at a very good place and benefitted a lot.
Looks like I'm headed for another insomnia kind of night. I'm going to use it to clear out some stuff I need to take care of just in case....
Emme
And thanks for the ((((( )))))
Sending one to you too.
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