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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kalyb on September 1, 2003, at 12:58:33
Last thursday (28th) was my birthday. And quite possibly the worst one ever. On the day, I didn't get a single card or gift from anyone. My sister and an internet friend in the USA sent e-cards, but they really aren't the same, are they.
I was staying with New Guy, who had to go to work. It was pouring with rain, but I spent the day trudging miserably around the city where he lives looking for somewhere to live. I've decided I have to move there - to get away from the Evil Landlady situation here, and to be nearer him and his friends, back to civilisation. I've met more people there in a few weeks than I have here in well over a year.
So I was walking around (I don't drive and have no car), putting Accommodation Wanted notices in all the shop notice-boards I could find in the city, and calling newspaper ads for flats to rent, getting wet through, soaked to the skin (it's been gloriously hot here, right up until my birthday).
No luck with the places to live. It's very very hard to find somewhere, anywhere in this country - landlords want students, not people on welfare benefits.
New Guy came home from work, no card, no gift: said he hadn't had time. I tried so hard not to make anything of it, but sadly I've had too many sad, empty birthdays in the past and I couldn't help bursting into tears.
(For his birthday a couple of weeks ago, he took the day off work and we went to France for a day trip - my idea and I arranged it [although he paid for it, I'm broke] to make his day something special).
We'd already planned to go out for dinner, but he was reluctant and I almost said no - I was feeling so bad, so hurt. He's known about my upcoming birthday for weeks. Okay so he didn't know I was carrying all this "bad birthday baggage" - but I was being optimistic, hopeful, and anyway, who wants to voluntarily reveal their neuroses - especially one that only occurs once a year - to a new partner?
We had a good meal out and drinks afterwards although he ate almost nothing - he doesn't like food at all really and rarely eats anything except junk - and I felt better. Then on Saturday we went shopping for a present for me - although we couldn't get what he'd decided to buy me, so I am still waiting, and he seems to have forgotten about a card.
Last night I had to come back to the Evil Landlady situation, after over a week away. The thing about this is, it's great to escape because I feel normal when I'm away, "myself", etc. but soon as I get back here I turn into Cinderella again, some kind of au pair, spoken to like a servant and not in control of my own life. It's so, so hard to come back after being away.
Landlady - who for those of you who don't know - is a so-called friend, who took me in when I was homeless. I pay rent to her, but she demands a lot of help around the place because she had a baby about 6 months ago. The place is filthy. She can't cope at all.
She asked what I'd done on my birthday, so I told her, but didn't say how hurt I'd felt. She didn't say Happy Birthday to me, and there was no card or gift waiting here for me from her and her partner. I can't tell her how hurt that makes me feel, it's most unwise for me to reveal my weaknesses to her because she loves to kick fallen, poor old me when she can.
On her birthday, the guy I was seeing took us all - me, her, her partner and baby - out for a wonderful dinner. I got her a card and spent some of my benefit money on a gift. On her partner's birthday a couple of months ago, I got him a card and a gift too. On her baby son's 6-month birthday, I bought cake candles and a chocolate muffin on which I stuck half a candle - his first "half" birthday.
But on MY birthday, from the people I am closest to, NOTHING. How lonely, miserable and unloved I feel. I wish this wasn't so important to me, but it is. Until two years ago I'd never spent my birthday with a Significant Other (and I am now in my 40's). I really thought this year was going to be different. It's been 22 years since I last recieved a birthday gift from a partner. Sad, isn't it?
Bless my Mum though - she did send a card which I opened when I got back here last night. But it's the only card I've had this year.
Today it's back to the grind at the landlady's - being told all the long list of things that need doing and expected to just get on and do stuff for her. But I don't want to!! I am in tears! Why should I care about what she wants - when not even a Happy Birthday came my way from her? She could have made me a card if she couldn't afford one, sent me an e-card, phoned me on the day, at the very least. She is meant to be my friend. I am so sure she's done this on purpose to hurt, perhaps to provoke me, that I cannot even mention it to her.
Oh god, I want to get out of here so bad, and I can't, I have nowhere to go, and nobody cares. I won't be going back to the New Guy's for several days and already I'm climbing the walls here - not to mention I have spent so much time at New Guy's that he feels he needs his own space for a while. And all I want to do is get a train and get out of here.... but apart from him, I've nowhere to go.
Oh no.... landlady knows I'm depressed about something and has come in to ask what's wrong - I can't tell her. I've invented something instead. And worse, she probably read some of this over my shoulder before I could get it off the screen...... :(
Posted by fallsfall on September 1, 2003, at 13:30:43
In reply to Birthday Pain, posted by kalyb on September 1, 2003, at 12:58:33
Happy Birthday!
It is interesting how "small" things can be really important to us. But birthdays aren't really small. They say "I'm happy you were born. I'm happy you are here". You've gone to a lot of effort to make sure that other people's birthdays have been special - and I'm sure that they have appreciated that. Would it be too much to ask them to expend a little effort for your birthday? I think not.
Sometimes people can miss something like this, not because they don't care about you, but because maybe their brain works so poorly (like mine) that they couldn't remember what day it was. Or maybe the way that they see birthdays is very different from you - and to them presents and cards don't mean anything - so it doesn't occur to them that they might mean something to you (maybe they could have figured it out by how you handled their birthday). Maybe they had no money. So there might be some extenuating circumstances for one or more of your friends. But I think you can be hurt that none of them came through.
I haven't seen many posts from you recently and it looks like new things are happening! New Guy! That is so exciting. I'm so happy for you. And looking for an apartment away from LandLady. That is very big! I'll also mention (though I hate it when people say this to me) that your post sounds better than your posts months ago. Even though you aren't happy, it sounds like you are moving - you don't sound as stuck as you did. That must be nice.
So good luck with New Guy, and finding an apartment. And if New Guy is still around next year, do tell him what you NEED to make your birthday feel right (I can understand why you didn't for this year.).
Posted by gabbix2 on September 1, 2003, at 13:56:10
In reply to Re: Birthday Pain » kalyb, posted by fallsfall on September 1, 2003, at 13:30:43
I hope that didn't make you feel worse..
I know sometimes these things can have a backward effect.I have much birthday baggage. I think I understand. And I'm sorry you had an awful birthday, I really am. Those aren't just words honey, I felt that.
I posted a while back, that My sister had sent me a supposedly innocent quiz via e-mail,
(it was sent to lots of people, some of the answers of course she knew, because I'm her sister)One of the questions was.
"How many candles on your birthday cake?"
It made me cry, It wouldn't have bothered me so much if it had asked how old I was.It was the way it was phrased.
I can't remember the last time I had a cake with candles on it on my birthday.
Or even more than a
"oh it was your birthday? I'll have to buy you a drink" which never transpiresI'm in my thirties, and this birthday I spent completely alone, Thank God for "Chicklet" who had balloons sent to my door!
She'd remembered my teary email from the
week before saying"I don't want another birthday alone, I want a cake and balloons, and new shoes!"
And I'll remind you again I'm in my thirties..
I think FallsFall gave all the wisdom, I just thought I'd give you a little fellow commiseration. And may next year be better for both of us. Or as Chicklet put in her card with
the balloons,
Ah!Birthday Shmirthday!
Posted by kara lynne on September 1, 2003, at 15:27:53
In reply to Happy Birthday!!, posted by gabbix2 on September 1, 2003, at 13:56:10
Hi kales!
Good to hear from you, but sorry you're feeling blue. I think fallsfall hit it on the head (as usual) with "...the way that they see birthdays is very different from you - and to them presents and cards don't mean anything - so it doesn't occur to them that they might mean something to you ...", but she's also right that you can still be hurt and that it really isn't a very good excuse.
People are so daft. It does seem like New Guy tried in his own way to come through for you; maybe through learning about each other he will do better next time. Perhaps a little Basic Training is in order. My Old Guy refused to get it even after I spoon fed it to him. You know, that even though Valentine's day is a capitalist invention designed for the brain dead masses or whatever blah blah frigging blah I would *still* like to get a card, he would simply forget or just determine that it didn't mean anything because he decided it didn't. But that was him.
Aside from that how is it going with the New Guy?
And a belated birthday hug from me.
{{{{{{{kalyb}}}}}}}}
(notice special bracketed hug!)
Posted by Dinah on September 1, 2003, at 18:08:56
In reply to Birthday Pain, posted by kalyb on September 1, 2003, at 12:58:33
I hate birthdays. My birthdays were always so disappointing and filled with bad luck that I always greet my birthday by hoping no one dies before the day is over. So naturally I keep mine low key.
Now in my husband's house, his birthdays were treated as high holidays. Much like my son's are. So I'm terrified each birthday that I'm going to let him down, which I always do.
And I'm sure there are many other ways of celebrating that fall between those two extremes.
So I think the others are right. It may just be a difference in family customs of celebrating birthdays. So maybe some very strong hinting is in order.
I think it's great that you're looking at options to get out of your current living situation. Being somewhere less oppressive and with more access to fun can only be good for you.
Aside from being somewhat slow in the birthday celebrating department, is New Guy a generally terrific guy? Are you enjoying your time with him?
Nice to see you again. :)
Posted by KimberlyDi on September 3, 2003, at 10:27:58
In reply to Birthday Pain, posted by kalyb on September 1, 2003, at 12:58:33
I'm worried about this New Guy. If this is a new relationship, he's treating you like the honeymoon's already over. That's a bad place to be. New relationships are usually the best of times with gifts, flowers and so-on. If he's not trying to impress you now... Just don't jump to live with New Guy to try and fix Landlady problem. Good luck sweetie.
KDi in Texas
> Last thursday (28th) was my birthday. And quite possibly the worst one ever. On the day, I didn't get a single card or gift from anyone. My sister and an internet friend in the USA sent e-cards, but they really aren't the same, are they.
>
> I was staying with New Guy, who had to go to work. It was pouring with rain, but I spent the day trudging miserably around the city where he lives looking for somewhere to live. I've decided I have to move there - to get away from the Evil Landlady situation here, and to be nearer him and his friends, back to civilisation. I've met more people there in a few weeks than I have here in well over a year.
>
> So I was walking around (I don't drive and have no car), putting Accommodation Wanted notices in all the shop notice-boards I could find in the city, and calling newspaper ads for flats to rent, getting wet through, soaked to the skin (it's been gloriously hot here, right up until my birthday).
>
> No luck with the places to live. It's very very hard to find somewhere, anywhere in this country - landlords want students, not people on welfare benefits.
>
> New Guy came home from work, no card, no gift: said he hadn't had time. I tried so hard not to make anything of it, but sadly I've had too many sad, empty birthdays in the past and I couldn't help bursting into tears.
>
> (For his birthday a couple of weeks ago, he took the day off work and we went to France for a day trip - my idea and I arranged it [although he paid for it, I'm broke] to make his day something special).
>
> We'd already planned to go out for dinner, but he was reluctant and I almost said no - I was feeling so bad, so hurt. He's known about my upcoming birthday for weeks. Okay so he didn't know I was carrying all this "bad birthday baggage" - but I was being optimistic, hopeful, and anyway, who wants to voluntarily reveal their neuroses - especially one that only occurs once a year - to a new partner?
>
> We had a good meal out and drinks afterwards although he ate almost nothing - he doesn't like food at all really and rarely eats anything except junk - and I felt better. Then on Saturday we went shopping for a present for me - although we couldn't get what he'd decided to buy me, so I am still waiting, and he seems to have forgotten about a card.
>
> Last night I had to come back to the Evil Landlady situation, after over a week away. The thing about this is, it's great to escape because I feel normal when I'm away, "myself", etc. but soon as I get back here I turn into Cinderella again, some kind of au pair, spoken to like a servant and not in control of my own life. It's so, so hard to come back after being away.
>
> Landlady - who for those of you who don't know - is a so-called friend, who took me in when I was homeless. I pay rent to her, but she demands a lot of help around the place because she had a baby about 6 months ago. The place is filthy. She can't cope at all.
>
> She asked what I'd done on my birthday, so I told her, but didn't say how hurt I'd felt. She didn't say Happy Birthday to me, and there was no card or gift waiting here for me from her and her partner. I can't tell her how hurt that makes me feel, it's most unwise for me to reveal my weaknesses to her because she loves to kick fallen, poor old me when she can.
>
> On her birthday, the guy I was seeing took us all - me, her, her partner and baby - out for a wonderful dinner. I got her a card and spent some of my benefit money on a gift. On her partner's birthday a couple of months ago, I got him a card and a gift too. On her baby son's 6-month birthday, I bought cake candles and a chocolate muffin on which I stuck half a candle - his first "half" birthday.
>
> But on MY birthday, from the people I am closest to, NOTHING. How lonely, miserable and unloved I feel. I wish this wasn't so important to me, but it is. Until two years ago I'd never spent my birthday with a Significant Other (and I am now in my 40's). I really thought this year was going to be different. It's been 22 years since I last recieved a birthday gift from a partner. Sad, isn't it?
>
> Bless my Mum though - she did send a card which I opened when I got back here last night. But it's the only card I've had this year.
>
> Today it's back to the grind at the landlady's - being told all the long list of things that need doing and expected to just get on and do stuff for her. But I don't want to!! I am in tears! Why should I care about what she wants - when not even a Happy Birthday came my way from her? She could have made me a card if she couldn't afford one, sent me an e-card, phoned me on the day, at the very least. She is meant to be my friend. I am so sure she's done this on purpose to hurt, perhaps to provoke me, that I cannot even mention it to her.
>
> Oh god, I want to get out of here so bad, and I can't, I have nowhere to go, and nobody cares. I won't be going back to the New Guy's for several days and already I'm climbing the walls here - not to mention I have spent so much time at New Guy's that he feels he needs his own space for a while. And all I want to do is get a train and get out of here.... but apart from him, I've nowhere to go.
>
> Oh no.... landlady knows I'm depressed about something and has come in to ask what's wrong - I can't tell her. I've invented something instead. And worse, she probably read some of this over my shoulder before I could get it off the screen...... :(
>
Posted by kalyb on September 4, 2003, at 18:39:40
In reply to Re: Birthday Pain » kalyb, posted by KimberlyDi on September 3, 2003, at 10:27:58
Thanks everyone for your replies and support!!!
I'm feeling much better now - it's taken a few days to dissipate and thankfully Landlady's not been too bad this week.
Fallsfall wrote:
> I haven't seen many posts from you recently and it looks like new things are
> happening! New Guy! That is so exciting. I'm so happy for you. And looking for
> an apartment away from LandLady. That is very big! I'll also mention (though I
> hate it when people say this to me) that your post sounds better than your
> posts months ago. Even though you aren't happy, it sounds like you are moving
> - you don't sound as stuck as you did. That must be nice.I am feeling a lot better - it's part of that is the Effexor, part the new and exciting horizons ahead. New Guy lives about 50 miles away, so I spend quite a lot of time staying with him. He has friends who he meets almost every night down the pub, and while going to pubs and drinking wouldn't be my first choice of pastimes, I get on very well with his friends and they're becoming my friends too - I have lots in common with some of them.
And I'm exploring his city, which I like much more than where I am living. It's old, run-down in places, crowded, but interesting and with something different round every corner. Before moving here I spent 18 years in Big Bad London and I miss it!! This new place reminds me of it in some ways, plus it's a great place for walking or cycling and has plenty of cycle lanes. And it's small enough to get anywhere by bicycle.
Gabbix wrote:
> I have much birthday baggage. I think I understand. And I'm sorry you had an
> awful birthday, I really am. Those aren't just words honey, I felt that.Ahhh.... :))))
Birthday baggage. Not nice is it? Yes I have loads. And I guess every year I hope to have a good one to make up for the past...> And may next year be better for both of us.
Amen!!Kara Lynne wrote:
> Aside from that how is it going with the New Guy?
>
> And a belated birthday hug from me.
> {{{{{{{kalyb}}}}}}}}
> (notice special bracketed hug!)I noticed! Thank you, sweetie :))))
New Guy is odd.... not quite what I'd have thought I might end up with but he's also very keen despite the birthday fiasco. Like me, he's an eccentric, but a brainy one - for some reason I go for guys with very high IQ's. He seems to have his own self-esteem issues which I won't go into here. But as a positive influence, he's fantastic. It's not just the moving to the new city, he's actually bought me a [very old and decrepit but working] motorbike and I'm saving up to do my compulsory bike training so I can get on the road - my very first motorized transport :)
He's also pushing me kindly but gently towards getting a job, and sometimes not so kindly.. *grin* All-in-all, I have a new life, and even if me & he don't work out, I'll be in a much better, more secure and positive position than I am now.
Dinah wrote:
> Now in my husband's house, his birthdays were treated as high holidays.I think that's part of my baggage, Dinah... right up till I was about 15, my birthdays were, too. Then one sudden birthday, I got a card from my folks, no gift as previous years, and they went out for the day leaving me to look after my younger sister. They told me I was too old for a party now. It was such a contrast - I can't tell you how unloved I suddenly felt. I cried all day. Maybe I just hook into that feeling of abandonment when I have a bad birthday now... or hope they will be like the others I had as a child?
> Aside from being somewhat slow in the birthday celebrating department, is New
> Guy a generally terrific guy? Are you enjoying your time with him?See above... *grin*
Kimberly Di wrote:
> I'm worried about this New Guy. If this is a new relationship, he's treating
> you like the honeymoon's already over. That's a bad place to be. New
> relationships are usually the best of times with gifts, flowers and so-on. If
> he's not trying to impress you now... Just don't jump to live with New Guy to
> try and fix Landlady problem. Good luck sweetie.You know, that crossed my mind too - but isn't that just a dream? I've never had a guy buy me flowers like that ever, anyway. I don't think he makes much of birthdays himself. But he is good for me in other ways, I really can't complain. Even if we're not going to be together forever he's pulled me out of a difficult time. I'm not going to rush into living with him either, I am looking for my own place, but near him and these new friends. In fact he's said he doesn't want to live with me yet... see how good and sensible he is? ;)
Thanks again everyone for your kind comments and well-wishes... hugs to everyone... I still read the board even if I don't post much (and I make a point of seeing how you're doing Kara, so if I don't write I think of you and send you my good thoughts).
love to all, kalyb xx
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