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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 12:07:08
Hello Everyone .... Just wanted to chat a bit, and hope my issues/concerns will be of interest to someone. I am ... feeling so trapped ... and so stuck. I just returned "home" from a week with my boyfriend in NY. But that's leaving out so much background history .... Growing up in a nightmare of abuse and trauma, I left home as soon as I was able, worked a variety of jobs from coast-to-coast, got pregnant at 31, and returned to my "home" when my infant son was -- well, an infant. After working a number of years in corporate America, attempting to climb my way up the career ladder, moving in with my parents made returning to school a possibility, and -- somehow -- clawing hand-over-fist, I graduated from college at age 45 with an education degree. My son is now 18 and leaving home for school in California next month. We are still in my parent's house, and my father -- as you may have read -- is in the full-blown stages of some kind of manic malaise. "Grandpa" is irritable and irrational. It's difficult to be around him. I've tried to protect my son all these years, while saving for a house and planning for a move -- but when the time came to do so, my son didn't want to leave .... Then, after 17-odd years of celibacy and struggle, I hooked up with this man I'd known 20 years previously in NY.
I always loved Paul. There was always a presence about him. You know? That sense of looking into someone's eyes, and actually finding someone there? It was a beyond-the-surface level friendship, and when we got together last November, things ignited ... fast.
But Paul has issues I never knew about. He's unemployed and homeless. He's been crashing here and there, or camping in the woods. The woman he was with before me (which I knew nothing about) filed assault and battery charges against him after one of our burning-up-the-wires-late-night chats .... I didn't know about Jane, and don't know whether she attacked him, as Paul says, or whether he hurt her when he subdued her (as she says). This all ties in to losing his job, due to the charges ... and good grief. The story goes on and on. Now he's got a court case pending. In fact, he's got two. There's another woman, with another story .... It's hard to know what to believe! He's such a sweet guy, but has certainly gotten mixed up with some pretty questionable ladies .... At least it seems so, to me. He's also got PTSD pretty bad from his Vietnam experience, and he's a pot head. Plus he drinks. I mean, driving down the road before breakfast, he'll have a joint in one hand, and a beer in another. Sometimes he's pretty irritable.
So we spent this week together, which I thought would be a week of sort of enjoying one another but wrapping things up -- and now that I'm "home" again in the suffocating confines of hiding from my crazy father (either in the basement, or my bedroom), I miss Paul. I miss the way he knows me, and accepts me.
And I'm really really really stuck and troubled about my job and financial life. I have only a 50-percent contract with the local school district. As they hired me late in the year last fall, my prorated salary was a whopping $14,200 for the year. Can you imagine? So all those savings ... are gone ... and rendezvous with Paul have put me in debt, and now my son's going to college -- on a nearly free-ride, thank God, but I've still gotta come up with $300-500 a month for my end of the deal ... for tuition, insurance, etc. And I'm in grad school, too -- which ate up the salary I was using to keep me afloat through the summer, and for which I'll likely have to take out loans for in the fall.
Jeesh! What is the MATTER with me? Why -- despite years of introspection, and active seeking/searching to lift up and become more whole -- why do I feel this compulsion to be with a man who isn't totally "good" for me, and why do I struggle so finding my place in the world in terms of work, a home of my own, etc., and financial security?
I'm an attractive woman, not that I care, but a former model who still turns heads at fifty -- the blessings of beauty alone are useful in opening doors, if nothing else -- but are my feelings of worth -- or lack of worth -- the cause of my feeling so many doors shut in my face?
I don't know what to do. I am bellyaching here, for sure, but -- seemingly, still so out of touch with reality, and the momentum I need to lift up and make something happen.
Can any of you relate to this? I'd sure appreciate talking with someone.
Lonely,
Temmie
Posted by giget on July 18, 2003, at 13:14:16
In reply to Lonely and Confused, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 12:07:08
I just wanted to reply so you know someone is out here. Sorry I can't help with your problems, nothing I have had in my life, I don't even have children...
Keep strong.
Posted by fallsfall on July 18, 2003, at 14:51:02
In reply to Lonely and Confused, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 12:07:08
Temmie,
You have accomplished so much in your life - starting with abuse, modelling, raising your son who wants to go to college, getting enough money to move out of your parents (even though you didn't), getting a degree at the age of 45, being in grad school, taking care of your dad. I'm tired just writing about it! I think that you are very much a success.
Money - just keep your eyes open for a full time job - your day will come.
Paul - It sounds to me like Paul has very big problems. It is one thing to have one court case (though, I've never had any, have you?), but it is quite something else to have two. One could be an accident, or a misunderstanding. But not two. Not at the same time. It also sounds like he isn't trying to help himself - drugs, alchohol, I don't recall you saying that he was in therapy. I don't know how to say this - please hear it with the idea that I am caring and concerned - I have heard that people who have been abused are attracted to abusive people - it is the way they know, the way they grew up. Please be careful.
Your dad - I almost answered one of your earlier posts, but I didn't know what to say. My dad was manic only once (hospitalized for 3 weeks), but the rest of the attitude is identical - he is the only one who knows what is right, if you disagree with him then you are not only wrong but you are stupid, everything has to be his way or he throws a fit, did you know that the meat, vegetable, and potato are supposed to be in a particular order on the plate? He is verbally abusive to my mother whenever she breaks one of his rules or doesn't anticipate a need. I know of no way (without destroying a 75 year old man) to have him be more compassionate. He's depressed (never figured out what "retirement" meant), but refuses therapy. When he was hospitalized he convinced the psychiatrist on discharge that he needed neither medication nor therapy. I don't see him a lot, but I do love him (I think the small doses help). I can't imagine living with him. If you have any great ideas I'd love to hear them.
You have so much going for you. You have accomplished so much. Keep making good decisions, and acknowledge what you have done.
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 16:17:54
In reply to Re: Lonely and Confused » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on July 18, 2003, at 14:51:02
Thank you Fallsfall ~
What a beautiful letter. It is so helpful to hear from you during such a despairing time. I know full-well what you're talking about (and take no offense) in the suggestion that abused individuals tend to repeat their abuse in relationships with others. How horrible, and what an unexpected turn of events, considering what I knew/remembered about Paul, and how he seemed (before I learned more of the story). Good also to raise the concern of there being not one, but two incidents. It will be interesting to find -- at the end of this month -- what the judges decide in both cases. Innocent or not, Paul was certainly involved in relationships which turned volatile. I have simply got to face that fact and grow up here (despite feeling so hopelessly ensnared with this man.) After so many years of being alone -- I wonder what I did -- it wasn't even conscious -- to set things in motion for hooking up with one even more troubled than myself.
I called one of the local modeling agencies to look into getting some assignments and perhaps bringing in a few hundred here and there, but I'm no longer 112 pounds and don't know whether: (a) they would have me, or (b) I could put up with the B.S. involved in playing that role. It was never anything serious for me, anyhow, just a way of making money at the time -- and Lord, I could use some now! I also called the local Barnes and Nobles, but the woman I know in management there wasn't working. It seems a bit crazy, working two jobs (especially one that surely won't pay much) AND doing grad school, but I think expanding my social/work schedule might open more avenues for me ... somewhere. On making money, in general -- thank you for suggesting that I keep my eyes open. Surely something will come up -- and if I can just keep my head up, look where I'm going, and try to manifest a little more positivity -- I'll be there to see it and read it when it happens.
Re. your Dad, my goodness! I DID know that meat, potatoes and vegetables had to be arranged in a certain order! Good question! :-) Your dad sounds so like mine, it isn't funny. (And sadly, I have no solutions for either of us.) My dad also talked his MDs out of both prescriptions and therapy. He knows more than the doctors do, anyhow, so what would be the point? He has also, like your dad, I'm sure, and as I've written elsewhere -- micromanaged everything: where and how to put the step stool, the phone book, pots and pans (and in which order they should be hung), dish towels, dish rags, salt and pepper shakers, etc. etc. etc. Speaking of meat and potatoes, I've also been admonished for the way I cut my steak -- and now -- he wants to paint the mailbox in red and white stripes. Can you imagine? I wonder what for .... We have a carpenter helping us out with odd jobs around the house (finally!), and I learned today that last week my dad backed into his truck not once, but twice. Given his recent collision with the rear of my car, that makes three questionable incidents .... We are so annoyed, despite calls to his MD by two of us siblings, that his license hasn't been taken away .... He also ran over my son -- but that was a long time ago, and I guess I'm repeating myself here ....
Anyhow ... I guess that's all for now. I so appreciate being able to pour out my heart here, and finding such encouraging replies. So much of what I've written spells the way for clear and easy solutions, I know, but clear and easy solutions seem so out-of-reach at this point -- I feel so unable to think and function. Thank you again for your support. If you don't mind, and at the risk of detailing even stupider mistakes re. my ongoing saga with Paul, I'll keep you posted on how things are going.
Best wishes,
Temmie
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 16:21:04
In reply to Re: Lonely and Confused, posted by giget on July 18, 2003, at 13:14:16
Oops, I think my thank-you got lost. "Stay strong" is a good bit of encouragement, Giget. Thank you. Temmie
Posted by Mercury on July 18, 2003, at 17:22:01
In reply to Lonely and Confused, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 12:07:08
Hey Girl!
Now that we're almost, sort, kinda, might be friends. Let me give you some straight up feedback here. No beating around the bush. No sugar coating for message board style points. Just the straight poop.
Run for your life. Get away from this guy as fast as you can. Don't look back. Don't dilly dally and waste another day. This Paul guy sounds like a big fat loser. And he's going to hurt you. Guaranteed. So cut bait, and cut him off. Immediately. You don't need that kind of drama in your life.
That said, don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of love. I think everyone should have someone who loves them. I just think you should look in some other places. Maybe there's someone at your college? A professor maybe? Another student? An older guy? Maybe ever a younger guy! (Shhhhh!) You're obviously a kind, smart and determined woman. If your really as attractive as you say then it sounds to me like you've got the goods! Use 'em sister! Your boy will be out of the house soon. Sounds to me like its right on time! Find yourself the best looking, most successful single guy you can find and knock his socks off! Give him "the treatment" then get him to help you out financially as well as emotionally. Tell him straight up what you want, companionship, respect and support, and then give him what he wants. As a man, I'll tell you that guys appreciate a fair trade. Don't go looking for love right away. Look for Joy and let Love find you. Have fun. Take no prisoners. And watch while they worship the ground that you walk on. Ok, now I know I'm really in some controvertial territory here, and God knows there are going to be some here that take offense to this...but to heck with them. Shake what your mother gave you and get yourself a man whose smart, good looking and rich.
Ok. Give it to me ladies. LOL!
Mercury
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 17:30:18
In reply to Re: Lonely and Confused -- Temmie, posted by Mercury on July 18, 2003, at 17:22:01
Thank you, honey, I should do just that! Maybe I should print this post out and stick it in on the mirror (or pin it to my underwear). Good Lord, there's a lot of good in this advice, let's just keep it our little secret ... and I'll let you know how I make out. Thanks for the fresh perspective!
Temmie
Posted by Mercury on July 18, 2003, at 17:32:37
In reply to Re: Lonely and Confused -- Temmie, posted by Mercury on July 18, 2003, at 17:22:01
I've got additional suggestion. My wife just became a Mary Kay lady. At first I was skeptical, but they run a great organization. Its as much about improving your own feelings of self worth as it is about selling make up. You can make some money now and get a make over in the process. These ladies have got it to-ge-ther! You might even be able to get a new car out of the deal. What you've got to do is find contact one your area, and let them know what you want to do. Check it out.
Mercury
Posted by fallsfall on July 18, 2003, at 17:38:05
In reply to Re: Lonely and Confused » fallsfall, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 16:17:54
Temmie,
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. I did manage to survive 18 years in that house without know what the order was for the meat, vegetables, and potatoes. I think it was a type of rebellion. At their house my mother puts the food on the plates (and you eat how much she thinks you are hungry for - she dishes all of the food out, and you can't leave anything on your plate), so my mom has to know the order. When they visit my house we pass bowls around and everyone serves themselves - so my dad is the only one who needs to know the order.
Did you know there are right handed and left handed pieces of cake? This one I do, too. With a piece of cake on a plate the frosting covers two sides, the top and one of the sides. If you are right handed, then you want the unfrosted side on your right so your fork doesn't get all covered with frosting. Flip it over for a left handed person. I admit to teaching this one to my kids, too.
When I was probably 5 or 6 there were the weekly chicken lessons (we always had chicken on Sunday). He would explain the anatomy of the chicken to my sisters and me, and show us how if we disconnected the meat where it was attached to the bone that it would come off cleanly and we would not leave any meat behind. He tried the chicken lessons on my kids, but they weren't quite such a captive audience so they just think he's strange.
Does your dad look things up in the dictionary at the dinner table? I do admit to doing this, too, much to my children's chagrin. But we're talking about the word and what it means, so why not find out for sure. I do have to go to the next room to get my dictionary. My dad's is within arm's reach of his dining room chair. My kids report this as one of the shameful things that I do.
You know, you really would save a lot of time, effort and aggravation if you would put everything away the way he suggests, and use the proper hand for reaching, and just curl your index finger under when you pick that particular thing up. You also would save money and make things last longer. Because that is the way that the world is designed - don't you see that??
Backing into things with his car can certainly signal the start of problems. I can't imagine confronting my dad about not driving anymore. He drives too fast, but is otherwise relatively not dangerous. (Besides, if you didn't park your car where it was he wouldn't have backed into it. It was plain to see that he couldn't get out of his parking space - so why did you park there! Of course, a carpenter wouldn't be expected to understand these kinds of things, so that's why he parked in the wrong place.)
What was your dad's occupation? Mine was a Computer programmer (from the days when computers filled up a whole room) who started his own company.
Please do keep us updated on Paul and how many jobs you can juggle. Keep the faith.
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 18:46:13
In reply to You made me laugh » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on July 18, 2003, at 17:38:05
Dear Mercury, Fallsfall, and anyone else tuning in ....
So much for laughter around the supper hour. Mercury, you are sooooo right, and echo things I’ve heard from others (“Get out there and shake your groove things while you’ve still got something worth shaking.”). Problem is: I’m lazy! Perhaps I can parlay this angst into the necessary fuel to get up and get moving. I don’t want to sound overly preoccupied with my appearance, but sometimes people look at me and then ... just sort of catch their breath or gasp. It’s weird. I asked Paul about it. Was it a spiritual thing? You know, a response to my spirit, or ??? He said something along the lines of “Honey, you’ve just got that thang.” Hmmmm. Let’s see if I can get that thang going too – or at least put it to use in a way that’s going to serve me.
Sadly, now that we’ve become almost-sort-of-kinda-might-be friends, it’s hard to be honest – and the truth is, I’ve encouraged Paul shamelessly. Good grief. He is such a sweet lover, and being – essentially – somewhat shy – I haven’t been able to imagine being in anyone else’s arms .... Love is sweet. Love is too darn sweet. So we’ll see. If I might – (and this is just a horrible thing to say), but if I might be brazen – brazen, but not hateful – I almost wish he’d get some jail time.
That would settle things down.
That would buy me some think time.
That said, I think I’ll just try and hang out here, instead. Instead of loving him, missing him, calling him (and telling him how much I’m loving and missing him), maybe I can just ... cut it off. Or start cutting things off here. Here and now.
On the subject of – well – insanity in the family, Fallsfall – my dad is a retired engineering professor, and is frequently heard to ramble, “The Good Lord created the entire universe and everything beyond in just seven days, but it’s my job to fix things. I’m an engineer ... that’s my job ...,” and another favorite, “anything can be improved upon.” I did not know about the “left” and “right” of cakes ... (!) ... nor have I experienced detailed lessons on the anatomy of a chicken – but dictionaries, encyclopedias, and those little – you know – fact manuals – almanacs – they’re all about the house. When my son turned 18, I asked friends, family and teachers to write a page of “wit, wisdom or whimsy” to assemble in a book for him. You know, along the lines of “Life’s Little Instruction Book,” or Heaven forbid, things you always wished your mother had always told you about life .... My dad started mid-May, and his work is still in progress (although Jared’s birthday was the 7th). Grandpa’s essay now tops 126 pages and quotes (I’ve written this elsewhere) references to/from the Bible, “The Three Musketeers” (it took a bit of digging to remember the author Alexandre Dumas), Benjamin Franklin (a separate essay in itself) ... and on and on and on .... Yesterday he wanted to know the date of when Armstrong landed on the moon. The week before, he wanted to know the precise definition of the Japanese expression, “ah so” (a colloquialism, meaning, “you don’t say.”) There is also verse and discussion related to the magnitude of certain stars, the surface tension on a drop of water, the number of cubic yards of water in the seven seas, and various matters related to logarithms I don’t understand. Nor did I understand much of the rest of it for that matter. That’s just touching the surface .... I guess I should be grateful it’s kept him busy, although I’m sure this project is largely responsible for his current manic episode.
You’re right, though, it was just, plain thoughtless of me to have parked where I did. :-) We now have my mom’s older model Tempo in the parking part of the drive, while my car is alongside my dad’s in the garage.
Lately, thank God, he seems to have calmed down a bit .... Let’s just hope it lasts.
Back to the subject of men, women, love, sex, and romance (who can resist such an enticing topic?), I figure if Demi can go for a 25-year old, I might start looking in the 35-and-up range. Come to think of it, I’d better hustle over to the fitness center (anything to keep me away from the phone) and start cruising.
Thank you friends,
Temmie
Posted by noa on July 18, 2003, at 19:42:16
In reply to Mercury, you got me laughing! » Mercury, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 17:30:18
And if the fear of his hurting you doesn't do it, how about picturing how you'll have to take care of him when/if he gets more dysfunctional, feeble, whatever!
It sounds like you want so badly to be out of your living situation and Paul kind of represents the escape. But realistically, he is not in a stable enough place in his life to have a good relationship, anyway. That is the best spin on it. You can imagine the other spins....
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 21:06:22
In reply to Re: Mercury, you got me laughing! » Temmie, posted by noa on July 18, 2003, at 19:42:16
Thank you. I know that you're right. Paul is not well physically. (Guess who mowed his mom's lawn when we went to visit?) He's crabby when he doesn't have drugs. He has aches and pains and ... God, what a mess. It is still painful, and all laughing aside, it's been helpful to write/read here, but I'm still miserable. I hope I don't wear you guys out on this subject. Temmie.
Posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 22:34:36
In reply to Lonely and Confused, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 12:07:08
Perusing the online personals (even though it's way too early), I am still feeling lonely and confused. I guess there's no way through this, but to feel the pain ... and keep moving forward ... and hopefully -- soon -- to arrive on the other side of the experience. Thank you all for keeping me company today. I am still waiting for the phone to ring ... but seem to have one foot in reality, thanks to the dialogue here. G'night. Temmie.
Posted by habbyshabit on July 21, 2003, at 4:41:48
In reply to Perusing the Online Personals, posted by Temmie on July 18, 2003, at 22:34:36
just wanted you to know that I've read this whole thread. And be notified by email that more has been posted! Good night (3:41AM)
This is the end of the thread.
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